TTC 10 + months, part 14 (eek)

[GinSoaked]

A friendly, supportive thread for lovely ladies taking waaay longer than they ever expected to win their babies

Just to let you know that the test this morning was a BFN. No real surprise so I am feeling strangely okay(ish). I've got quite strong period pains but still no proper flow yet. It's weird, it feels like going back into the darkness. The last few weeks have felt like I might actually have a shot and it felt like being a "normal" person who is TTC. It really does feel like heading back into the sad fog. The sadness is so familiar that it kind of feels normal. I think the spotting & negative OPK helped in a strange way because I was able to come to terms with the cycle failure over a few days rather than the shock of a negative HPT today. Oh well. Hopes now pinned totally on a FET with just one frozen embie - scary stuff!
Just to makes things even more surreal today I have just had to call the police about a woman walking around carrying a massive knife & have had the police round You couldn't make it up!

Massive love to you all and especially gin Huge good luck to you. I will be thinking of you and send you all the luck in the world

I'm going to clean the house and eat crumpets slathered in peanut butter.

oh pout I truly am so sorry, big hugs x

pout I am so sorry. Your post was just heartbreaking - I so know what you mean about the sad fog - but I am so sorry that you are going back there. I know that these past few days must have been awful and I am just gutted for you. I am glad that you have your frostie waiting for you, although I know it must feel like a lot of pressure. Crumpets and peanut butter sound like a very good idea. Can you and MrP do something calm and nice together this weekend?

oh pout I'm so sorry. I'd really hoped you would have good news. It's good you've got the fet to focus on now though. I wish I could know you in person to give you a big squeeze. That's scary about the woman and the knife, I hope the police manage to find her.

I caught a bus today and there was a huge row between a wheelchair user and a mum with pram about who got the space. The whole bus got involved, it was quite entertaining. I was secretly rooting for the wheelchair user, the mother could easily have taken her child out of chair but she was flatly refusing. I was imagining her going on AIBU later to have a good rant.

Pout I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel but you have Frostie hope. This isn't over for you. But wallow at will until you feel ready to look forward.

Mrsden I'm appalled at the bus incident. What did the mum expect, that the wheelchair user would just get up and miraculously walk to a seat .

Re passing on family heirlooms and genetics. This used to bother me. But now I think a non-biological child (like Persil???) would be no bad thing, as my family are not without their faults...

Got some work to finish. Chat later.

pout I'm sorry. You had such a good haul of eggs, I was really hopeful that this might work for you. But you still have your frostie. :)

Oh Pout I?m SO desperately sorry. I really think we are all wired to expect bad news and it just makes me so to think that so many of us are so familiar with the sad depressing fog that actually we think it is normal. You still have your FET though ? so there is hope there. And a woman wielding a knife?! Good god, how terrifying!! Do you have anything nice planned this weekend ?

This thread has had a particularly bad run lately...(well apart from Doll and Art who are our beacons of hope).... It?s really dismal.

MRsd ? no contest, i would be routing for the disabled person.

Critter ? so when are you exactly starting ivf? You?ll be fine with the mixing of drugs. I know it?s better to be doing in the privacy of your own home but you ?ll be able to do it on the sly without anyone finding out.

Euro ? i can see how it would be hard to stop natural ivf especially after a bfp. I really hope your body gets back to normal straight away. I thought it was very common not to ovulate after a miscarriage though. I didn?t after my natural one. I was told I wouldn?t ovulate this month either. I am dreading what my cycles will do now. They really shortened after the last m/c and went from being clockwork to being unpredictable. I am hoping that by some miracle they?ll be going back to what they were like 3 years ago but I very much doubt it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter break. My mission for tomorrow is to attempt to make my own hot cross buns. Has anyone ever tried? I think I have been feeling chirpier lately. I feel better as I badgered Roy for an opinion about what our plan should be. It has always been me researching, googling and deciding on what we should be doing and when. I was never quite sure whether we were on the same page if things don?t work out. He actually mentioned looking in to adoption next year and I just found this really reassuring to know he is open to it. In the meantime I am trying to coach myself to make the most of my time and be happy and grateful for the things I have. I want to learn how to get rid of this sadness that seems to constantly linger. I?m not sure whether it?s possible but am going to try!

Another paw squeeze to pout. What sh*tty news. And about the knife.

mrsd how outrageous about the woman with the buggy. I am on the side of the disabled wheelchair user too! The entitlement of some people beggars belief.

nelly at non-bio Persil child. They'd smell lovely and fresh!

joy it's good that Roy is thinking about this too. One step at a time - I can imagine feeling worried about your cycles, but most people seem to find theirs come back quickly after IVF cycles and mcs... I think that's what I've seen on here in the past. Have you been researching clinics overseas at all? I liked the sound of the Bahamas. I start lupron on April 10th, then start stimming on April 18th... so they reckon EC would be around April 30th. It's actually going to be much shorter than a 'normal' panda cycle for me.

I've got to finish up work and leave for hollibobs... can't wait, it will be so nice to have a break. I must say that hot cross buns sound like an amazing idea and will make the house smell like heaven. Inspired.

Thank you ladies for your kindness. It means a great deal especially as MrP is in the office today rather than working from home which he has been all the rest of this week - typical!
The woman with the knife was an elderly scary looking woman. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The knife was massive and she was carrying nothing but this huge blade. I've seen her about before, right before my IVF cycle and now today. I reckon she is a bad omen! To top off my strange day I have just seen outside the window a man in an orange jumpsuit (think Guantanamo Bay stylee) carrying a very large wooden crucifix on his shoulders??????

joycep I hope that your cycles do reset themselves back to something you are happier with. God knows you deserve that at the very least.
Did you watch Paul Hollywood make hot cross buns the other night? They looked amazing. I make a mean loaf of bread and I wondered about how easy buns would be to make. The supermarket ones are really quite pants especially compared to the ones Paul produced.
It is great that you and Roy are on the same page. I know what you mean about feeling like the driving force and not really knowing what MrP thinks. It has been strange but this bum cycle has affected MrP more than I thought it would. He seems genuinely very disappointed (though he has run off with all the Ibubrofen today!). I hear you on the trying to appreciate what we have. I was laying in bed last night listening to the dogs snuffling and snoring and thinking that I was really very lucky.

critter the drugs thing will be fine, honestly. I worried myself literally sick over it and it turned out to be the easiest part of the process. I found that preparing the drugs was a positive thing because it got me into a calm clinical mindset before injecting. You will be absolutely fine I promise you.

euro I agree that with your amazing natural IVF success you would be reluctant to opt for a medicated cycle. This process is so full of difficult decisions to weigh up. Oh for a quick shag and bingo.

mrsd Oh good at the bus barney. How rude of that woman with the pram. MrP and I are always remarking on how rude people with buggies and gaggles of children are. They seem to lose all awareness of anybody but themselves and think that producing a baby makes the somehow special and superior beings. Bitter, much

nelly It is interesting that you are thinking of adoption. It's still not something I feel is for me and MrP is dead set against it. Over the last few days I have been letting my mind mull over egg donation as a way to get a free go of a fresh IVF cycle but I'm really not sure how comfortable I feel with that right now. MrP kind of instantly shut me down on it too when I floated the notion.

Any nice plans for Easter anybody? My plan involved celebrating a BFP but now looks like it will involve some gardening instead!

pout where on earth do you live? Your neighbours sound worse than mine. I'm sorry that it didn't work out this time, I know what you mean about the OPK breaking your fall a bit, I didn't have any spotting but despite the fact that OPKs as HPTs have a bad rep around here mine didn't lie either (either time). Onwards, my dear.

Interesting talk on the Persil non-bios, one thing I'd add is that (assuming the other half is on board too) it's much less defined regarding who takes the lead in the process as partners have equal possibilities. I think that there is a tendency for men to stand back a bit from AC being that it's not their body that's taking all the shit. Ken certainly said he didn't feel like he could be the decision-maker but he was right in front when it came to the adoption process. It extends into childcare to even for the little ones being that boobs are taken out of the picture.

That an interesting perspective doll. I'd never thought about it that way.

Critter an April cycle would be just around the corner but is dependent on my awol cycle returning by then and the clinic being happy for me to have just one period between mc and new cycle. We have a consultation in a couple of weeks to ask how soon we can go again.

pout I understand doing the OPK to break your fall. That is exactly the reason why I POAS at home before doing the blood test on OTD. I really wasn't expecting it to be anything other than negative.

Oh pout that's rubbish . Wish that I could give you a rl hug as well. I am so glad that you have a frostie but totally understand that it'll be difficult to see any positives just now. Was just talking about egg donation with a friend today. There are a lot of ethical issues to think about and MrP might be more open to it in time. Make sure you do something nice for yourself this weekend. at your knife wielding woman! The police were once called to our old stair because a neighbour's husband was standing on a window ledge with a butcher knife. He had had a row with another neighbour about whether said neighbour was sleeping with his wife unlikely since he was gay and the husband somehow ended up locked in the neighbour's flat and thought he might get out via the window . We called him Jumper from that day on. My neighborhood is dead posh dontcha know .

joy I hope your cycles do reset quickly this time but understand your apprehension after your previous experience. I'm wondering what will happen with mine if this cycle doesn't work. I'm hoping they might put me on the pill for a few months to keep the endo in check until we can go again. I don't know that back to back cycles are a good idea but the cysts returning wouldn't be good either. I'm glad you and Roy are discussing your options. I really think it helps to have a plan for going forward. It's not about being pessimistic, but about having a positive plan of action to move on after AC.

euro we've had the talk about how it would be more difficult to stop ivf after 3 goes if we had managed to get a bfp followed by a miscarriage. Three failed rounds would feel like it made sense to stop, but if implantation had occurred then that would make it harder not to have hope for future cycles. In your case, with a bfp from a natural cycle I would imagine that it would be even more of a challenge to move on.

mrsd our buses here are starting to include a buggy space and a wheelchair space which helps accommodate both but in the older buses of course the disabled person always gets precedence. It might have been a pain in the backside but she could definitely have folded the buggy. If I had been on the bus I would have been very . When are you starting your cycle? I know there are quite a few of us .

Enjoy your holiday critter and good luck with shooting up in an unfamiliar loo .

Must get on with some cooking but big waves to nelly, buzzy, gin, free et al. Here's to happy long weekends for all.

Just popping in quickly on the way to the pub

I'm so bloody sorry pout. It seems so random how ivf works for some people and not others. I was hoping to log in and see a surprise bfp. I totally know what you mean about feeling like there's some hope during an AC cycle, before returning to the sad fog. Pleased to hear you are feeling okish at the mo, but here's a big hug and slobber from me.

Mmmm homemade hot x buns. One of my colleagues made some and said they were awesome. I've been feeding my progesterone hunger with m&s hot x bun loaf. Tres tasty.

The embryologist rang and ET is booked for 11.15 tomoz. I am so so worried about the defrost. I didn't have nerves like this during the ivf, probably cos I knew I had a no. of eggs. I can't describe how nervous I feel about it! He said that 90% survive the thaw but we always seem to be on the wrong side of the stats, and i have worries about this being a slow developing embryo. They'll call us tomorrow to let us know how it's gone. Anyway I'm off the meet friends in the pub and am going to allow myself 1 nerve calming glass of vino.

Luffs to all.

My sister always said she would do one go only. But when that worked, as in a BFP, but ended up in a MC, they decided one more, which did work! I think I'll just keep throwing my money at it for a while...

Re Persil baby, to be honest I was thinking more DE than straight to adoption. There's a weird reason for that. MrN looks insanely like his nephew. The thought of having a baby that is a mini-him (even if it's a girl ) is almost even more enticing than one that is part me. But recently I did realise adoption feels ok too; that there is love to give and my cats are fed up receiving it. But I also want to experience pregnancy, which is why I think DE would be our next step if we don't get there by ourselves.

Pout you sound like you live in a very interesting area!

Doll - as always you are very wise, that's an interesting point re the guys involvement. Hope Bump is doing well. I am still so utterly thrilled for you!

Critter like Pout says - the injections are a non-event. Really. You will be fine :)

oh yes nelly I used to want a bio boy, because I found it easier to imagine a child as a mini Ken, god knows the idea of a child getting anything from my side is not very attractive to me. Mind you now I have a boy I realize its the same as living with a wild animal so I'm more 'balanced' in my views about gender. People often 'see Ken' in little doll despite the lack of genetic connection. I never found adoption difficult to get my head around at all, I hadn't thought about DE before being on MN, I must admit I find it much more of a challenge somehow. I think it was gin that asked up thread, no bump here. I think that's a while away although my little fatty roll (just for the injectables you understand) is flabbier than ever, perhaps it's sitting a little further forward Anyway gin enjoy your glass and I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

evening ladies

gin fingers are crossed for little frostie tomorrow, have a glass for me

mrsd i'm all for the wheelchair guy, and I would have said so too, but then I'm just gobby

joy I am glad you have a plan and are looking into other avenues. You can most certainly coach yourself, positive thinking has made such a difference to me

nelly gingerness runs in my family so I think Barry is slightly relieved that the chances of our kids being ginger with DE is slim I am not fussed about persil thing, I believe being a good parent happens after the child is born, how I get my child doesn't matter,we will still pass on my ideas/culture/rituals etc.

pout just be kind to yourself right now, I was totally freaked out about DE when it was first mentioned to me and Barry was not keen on adoption. Look at us now, we are willing to try both, it just takes time to process it all and then to decide what feels right to you.

madness I don't really think I have thought/worried about the ethical issues too much. I just look at it as a business transaction. She is selling her goods I am buying her goods really. We are fulfilling our dream and she is helping us do that.
I am in two minds about the child being able to track her down, as we are doing it overseas it does not apply to us as it is anonymous, part of me thinks its good they can track them down, another part of me thinks what will they get from it, what if they tracked her down and she didn't want to know.

critter wow its very close now

well I'm not sure if I can be trusted with a child as I have just managed to singe Kaylas whiskers

Will be thinking of you tomorrow gin. I have everything crossed for you that this time you end up on the right side of the statistics

buzzy I don't think I have any issues with using someone else's eggs as I agree that I would feel just as much the mother having carried the child for nine months and raised them from the beginning. It is more the issues around donating my own eggs. I understand that eggs are not children but i would find it hard to get my head around. If I got to choose who they went to perhaps I would feel better about it . A bit of a moot point for me though as I will be lucky to get enough eggs to get myself pregnant let alone anyone else. I am very very very glad that there is someone out there who is able and happy to help you fulfil your dream. I'd like to think that I would be able to do it after some careful thought and consideration. I really hope that I've not offended you in any way by discussing it.

madness not offended at all I now feel happy to donate eggs although mine are crap and now. Barry said he would donate his sperm if it helped us along.

Pout -oh sweetheart. i am so sorry. This shitty weird feeling will pass, I promise. Try to distract yourself, very soon things will feel better. Xx

Gin -I totally understand your nerves. I wont lie, the thaw is terribly nerve wracking. Good on ya for going to the pub, you are very much allowed to dream that this will work out, blastos have a great chance. X

gin I made Mr Euro come with me to ET at the last minute purely because I was convinced that the embryo would have failed in the 24 hrs since they called us to tell us it had fertilised. Such mentalling is normal. Your little frostie will be fine.

Madness I completely understand. I'd donate eggs to someone I knew and trusted but struggle more with the idea of them going to an unknown person. It's moot for me too, because I'm over the age limit.

buzz how did you manage that? Kayla won't be quite so photogenic now!

Nelly I feel the same - I should just ask my firm to pay my salary direct to Create for the foreseeable. :)

I now want hot X buns and have just realised that I have not had a single one yet this year.

euro she was sitting near the cooker, she looked like she was going to jump down so I turned the gas on and it kind of went poof and then some of her whiskers were gone I'll have to take her photo from her good side now

All thê very best Gin. Good Friday has to be lucky .

buzz I wonder if she will walk into things and become clumsy Kayla now. Don't they use their whiskers to judge distances?

Thinking of you gin.

Good luck gin. Today has good in the title, that must be a good sign.

Best of luck gin check in soon. x