Rubbish conception advice you've been given (lighthearted)

[Sprite21]

When trying to conceive dd it took quite a while and I confided in DM that we were having fertility issues. Her response was to ask her neighbour (who has 6! kids so obviously no issues there). DM then tells me that neighbour's sage advice is 'to just have. have sex on days 10, 12 and 14 of your cycle".
I was . It's not particularly good advice anyways, plus I have really irregular cycles, and what does she think I'm an idiot I haven't figured that bit out yet. Plus I don't particularly appreciate her discussing my fertility with her extremely fertile neighbour. It still pisses me off thinking about it.
Now we are TTC #2 and I need something to make me smile as this topic can get depressing. So has anyone else received some possibly well intentioned but basically rubbish advice about TTC?

My DM "just decided what date you want to have a baby and subtract nine months and have sex then" .....

I didn't tell her Id already been trying for three months at this point despite being strangely delighted I had the ability to prove her wrong. She has successfully done this three times though.

However, almost in the same breath she decided to tell me my father's family has bad infertility!! (No contact so I had no idea).

"just relax"

"You're thinking about it too much"

Yes because I grow a baby in my head!

You're doing it wrong!!

These are very funny. Yes, Queene, didn't you read the instruction manual? But decide when you want to have a baby and subtract 9 months?! ROFL.
How did these people ever get pregnant?

DM thinks London is preventing me from conceiving.

.com

Sex at night for a boy, sex on the morning for a girl.

"When you wipe and get the snot just shag like mad"

Has basis in fact obviously but as a friend told me this before we were ttc I was totally baffled obviously ewcm is now recorded diligently

I second Euro with the relax advice - bloody infuriating!

My parents think we just aren't having enough sex so whenever discussing how we spent the weekend - exciting stuff like a trip to the shops or watching a film - I get raised eyebrows and 'that's why we haven't got any grandchildren'

Oh and another one - "book a luxury holiday, relax, and you're guaranteed to get knocked up". Back from the Maldives two months ago and still no BFP yet. The holiday was bloody lovely though!

Just forget about it
Relax
Book a holiday
Get a new job

Arrrgghhhh

Book a holiday - already been on 3!
Try and relax -

The worst - "have fun while you try and don't think about it"

If only conception was about having fun, we'd have gotten pregnant 11 cycles back