The big fat posifrickintivity, but only on a friday thread - TTC after MC and not lose your head

[Mummytothearkbuilder]

Ladies - a brand new lovely shiny thread for us to fill! Enjoy x

[LittleBairn]

mrsthe questions are so hard it can be so awkward. Being a nanny and married I get asked about have babies a LOT.
I know in general it's harmless chatter they don't mean to be hurtful. I know now I will avoid saying such things to other women, along with is this your first and how many do you have? It's certainly made me a lot more aware and sensitive, you just never know what is going on in someone's private life.

[ChocolateCremeEggBag]

I have been answering the thoughtless questions with the brutal truth - "I had a miscarriage before Christmas...." I find it shuts them up quite nicely

But I can be a bit a lot up front at times. Having had an MC does make me think a lot more about what I say to others re having children. And being a bossy cow I also feel need to educate others (I am the stereotypical eldest child with 3 long suffering siblings)

[Bakingtins]

Chocolate I aspire to your bluntness!

[Sal1977]

Thanks for not making me feel like a total bastid for having those thoughts!

Here's a scenario that I'd like your fabulously straight talking non-emotionally-involved opinion on if you have a second.....?

DP and I are getting married in June. We chose the date so that we would be married before (now broken) baby was born and stupidly being organised I already have my maternity wedding dress which I'll make a decision on at some point in the next few weeks. My issue at the moment is that I really don't want to see this girl as our due dates were identical especially on my wedding day as she'll be showing off a 'should've been me' size bump and I don't want it to ruin my day. Problem is we've already invited them and they've accepted. Same goes for my hen-do.

At the moment they don't know that I was even up-duffed let alone de-duffed. Should I just email her and explain my worries and hope she does the decent thing and offer to stay away or should I open up a can of man-up and hope for the best but risk meltdown on wedding day? It's still 11 weeks away and I'm only 4 days post ERPC so very hormonal still.....any advice would be gratefully received. Xx

[LittleBairn]

sal I would email her ( or get a friend to do it) shame her gentally into having a bit of humility.
If we can't understand why and takes offense she won't come problem solved and if she does I'm would have friend and family block her out from you.

[LittleBairn]

Odd just used a FR early test again...absolutely no reaction not even a control line[buhmm] Can hardly go wave it in the face of customer service and demand a refund for a faulty test!

Day 25 CBFM finally showing a low fertilty (1 bar) hopefully it won't ask for anymore sticks otherwise I will have to resuse today's I've run out.

It's been a disappointing cycle but probably best I'm not pregnant I would be due around the time DS died and in the same hospital.
So 2014 I will be having a baby as will we all. [busmile]

[alyant79]

Hmm. That's a tough one sal. I have a friend with the same due date and have seen her a couple of times, first time about 4 days post mc. It was very hard but ok. What if you explain the situation and try and see her before your wedding, so that it's not so bad on the day?
I am now almost 2 months since missed mc was initially diagnosed and the pain is much less raw. Still sad of course, but not as much as those first few hormonal weeks.

Lb it must be really really hard for you being a nanny. I don't know how you cope.

Agree with the life in limbo feeling. In a small way I'm trying to ignore it. Went and bought some new jeans yesterday. Hoping I will therefore get pg this cycle and only have a few more weeks of wearing them. Fx

[Sal1977]

Thanks Aly, I guess I should just sit on it for another couple of weeks and see how I feel then...

[shellshock7]

Aaaggggh lost my post

sal my best friend was due 4 weeks before me when I had my MMC...it was very tough but we had a frank chat and she was great...it doesn't have to ruin your day...also you are so happy/excited/busy on your wedding day you won't spend much time with that one guest? AND you may have your BFP by then anyway

[LittleBairn]

aalynt it has been difficult emotionally and just damn awkward at times.
I am just glad that all the kids are out of the baby stage it makes it easier. In fact the kids (4,4 and 6) have probably been the most open, understanding, sympathetic and senstive about it compared to almost everyone else in my life!
They are just so honest about it without all the bullshit and aren't afraid to say his name and talk about him.

But I do get invited along to the toddler group often (lots of the women go even when kids are in nursery for a catch up) but I just can't face all those babies.
Then the mothers that do know give me the pity nod, oh how I hate the pity nod.

A silly part of me is desperate to gt pregant ASAP and be showing before I leave end of Aug just to "show" them all I can do it!

[SaggyOldClothCatPuss]

{{hugs}} to all today.
Sal as others say, I'm sure you won't even notice her on the day.

I've just worked out dates. No chance of a 2013 baby for me now. Look out 2014 here I come.

[Bakingtins]

Sal I don't think you can un-invite them without causing massive offence. If she doesn't know about the MC then you can't really blame her for crowing about her scan, however hurtful it is. That's just how people behave when they haven't experienced a loss, not understanding how wounding it can be to someone grieving the loss of a baby or struggling with infertility. It's very self-centred, but I'm sure she didn't set out to hurt you.
I think you need to either tell her yourself or make it a bridesmaid duty to tell her, so that she has the opportunity to wind her neck in and be a bit sensitive. I don't think you will care on the day, you will have a wonderful day and weddings are all about hope for the future - whether that is a little bump you are nurturing or the hope of a family together in the next few years. It will seem less raw in June than it does now, and you'll realise it is not her baby that you want, it's the special one you and DH-to-be will make and raise together.

[Sal1977]

Awww...that's a really nice way of putting it baking. Good job there are nice people like you around...I'm like a fricking evil bad ass demon at the moment!!!

[ChocolateCremeEggBag]

Sal - I would agree with tins, I don't think you can uninvite her. If she is someone you can see 1:1 then maybe meet up in a couple of weeks and tell her about the MC? If you see her once or twice before hen do/wedding at least it will lessen the impact of her having a big bump. Plus she should then hopefully get the message to act a bit more sensitively. When I was pg with DS I really had no clue about mc and possibly upset loads of people unwittingly so you are kind of doing her a favour in the long run

CD21, still just getting high on CBFM and then got a load of bloody CM late morning. Reckoning that it's already AF on her way to top off this flicking WTF cycle. Sorry bit of a positivity fail here.

[jmf294]

So much sadness and heartbreak here.
Thinking of you and hoping that you all get those BFPs soon.

Thank you for all the support you have me as I was really in a bad place the last few months and everyone (except DH) treated me like it didn't happen.
Although I got a positive on the clearblue today I don't feel optimistic and am waiting for it to go wrong.
I have joined the graduate thread but can't face joining the December thread as leaving the September thread was horrid.

[DIYandEatCake]

Hey everyone, been reading now and then but not posting as not much happening here (in 2ww time but not optimistic as in-laws were staying at the crucial time and poor dp couldn't, ahem, get into his stride with them in the house. Dammit.)

sal I can understand how you feel. I can't add much to bakingtins' lovely post, agree that perhaps it would be best to get a mutual friend to have a quiet word and ask her to be sensitive. My best friend found out she was pregnant just as I was having my miscarriage, she has a proper baby bump now and I do find it hard to see, but am trying to carry on as normal and be interested in her pregnancy. Things can feel a bit strained though, I think she feels a bit awkward too though has an annoying habit of telling me to 'think positive, stressing doesn't help'. Easy to say in her position, we started ttc a year ago now, miscarried at Christmas and the monthly hope/despair cycle does get a bit wearing after a while.

Sorry, waffling on.

[Sal1977]

If anyone dares to give me the 'just relax and it'll happen' or 'stop trying and it'll happen' talk, I'm going to pull up a chair and ask them for specifics. I'm going ask "so if we only fancy doing it at the start of the month and at the end of the month, but I ovulate in the middle, how exactly will it work?" Oh I have soo many responses stacked up for this time round....anyone else have any good ones?

[DIYandEatCake]

'Unfortunately it happens much easier for some people than others' is my favourite at the moment.

[LittleBairn]

I hate those two phrases with a passion! Alomg with everyone, midwives and Drs included who told me how easily women seem to get pregant after a MC, that they are always back on the maternity ward within the year.
Talk about giving someone false hope! 4 months later still no baby I wasn't mentally prepared for it to take this long actually longer than the first go at TTC.

[LittleBairn]

sal honestly people are incredibly ignorant over how short women's fertile period lasts. I had to goggle to prove to my sister, she was absolutely convinced you could get pregant anytime over the 3 weeks you aren't on your period. She has two kids!

[SaggyOldClothCatPuss]

People just need something to say I think. Cliches come easily to hand. Im sure we have all done it at one point or another, its just truly shit to be on the receiving end.
Nobody round here seems to even consider that we would try again. It hasnt been mentioned by anyone other than my best friend and the kids.
I might break it to my mother this week just to see her reaction!

[SaggyOldClothCatPuss]

We are going to need a new thread soon. Any ideas for a title?

[Thundercatsarego]

Hello everybody, how are we all today?

Bloomin freezing here but at least the sun's out? Sorry to hear about shitty comments and sal I agree about the approach of trying to talk to your friend or getting someone sensitive to do so. I can't imagine ever having a bump but I know that if something I had made someone else feel bad then I would feel terrible but I would want to know.

Hey diy, nice to see you!

sag hmmm a new name.....

[LittleBairn]

WTF is going on with my Cycle! I've came on early, each month my cycle seems to get a day shorter when before MC it was 28 days exactly for years, my luteal phase is also (I think) shorter now too. And if the CBFM is to be believed is didn't ovulate this month.
I'm so confused I just don't know where I should start to address and fix these problems.

[Thundercatsarego]

Hey LB, do you think your body is still recovering and sorting itself out after mc? I don't know if there's any truth in it but I heard somewhere that recovery (physical) can take as long as the time you were pg for. So that would be a few months for you eh? Doesn't make it any less annoying of course.