Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

It's marvellous news to hear you now have your little bundle of joy there with you in your arms, a huge CONGRATULATIONS to you xxxxx

Hi all.

I've been shocked and upset by what google and miss have said about the treatment you have recieved regarding the funeral and memorial arrangements for your children. We were offered cremation at the local crem and burial at the local Sands memorial garden. We were given everything, coffin, funeral etc at no cost. It was explained to us that we do not own the plot our daughter is buried in, but the land is owned by SANDS.

Me and DH are so saddened to hear that miss you were offered a communal grave and google you can't have the memorial you want for the time you would like. We had no idea the excellent treatment we were given was not universally offered to everyone. We and our family and friends have subsequently raised funds for SANDS which we hope will help more of these gardens to be maintained, but it seems we also owe thanks to our local hospital too, more than we realised.

There is a link here to a list of SANDS memorial gardens. I obviously have no idea where you live google but i wondered whether it would be worth looking into a local one. At ours there are lots of memorial plaques as well as the burial plots. It is beautifully kept, and maybe you could have a plaque here in addition to the church one. That would be a permanent memorial. In addition, the arboretum in Alrewas has a beautiful SANDS garden. It is full of memorial pebbles decorated by people with their child's details. As far as we can work out you just turn up and put the stone down. I appreciate it may be a long way away from you, but i thought it was worth a mention. Also contact your local cemetery, they may have a memorial garden separate from SANDS where you could put a plaque.

I know none of these things are the same as the church memorial, but i wanted to make the suggestions. It's quite likely you have already considered all of these!

Also I am pregnant! 3 tests later it is finally feeling (slightly) real. I am remembering what other ladies on here have said. One day at a time. Today i am pregnant. We are delighted, terrified, excited, everything. Thank you for your support over the last week. Can't tell anyone in RL but just want to scream it from the rooftops tbh. Thinking of all of you guys all the time, and hoping for more bfps soon for everybody.

Congratulations Owl, that is wonderful news, keeping everything crossed that it all goes smoothly. We are here for you x

Also-Andy Murray won Wimbledon! Instead of enjoying the sunshine I've been glued to the tv for 3.5 hours, but he did it!!!!

Thanks star we had it on here too. DH says we will have to call it Andy!

Ha ha ha!

Owl that is wonderful news, I'm so chuffed for you and your DH! :) It must be such a wonderful/scary feeling. Wouldnt be so bad if Little Owl turned out to be a future Wimbledon champion would it! Try and enjoy every single day as much as you can.

Lovely ideas for baby memorials, I had no idea the Sands gardens even existed. That is so kind of you to raise money for the gardens upkeep. Its good to hear that some parents get kind and gentle treatment when they lose their precious children.

Star I too was glued to the tv missing the sunshine! Was worth it though, great match AM so deserved it.

AFM got through the first night without DH, at 4am the dog woke me, she was growling as if there was someone downstairs and scared me a bit!

xx

Thanks for your kind messages miss. I really feel all parents deserve kind and gentle treatment, i'm so sorry this was not the case for you. Feel angry for you all over again.

Well done on the first night! That's the hardest one. Don't watch Luther tho!

Lemon- congratulations. So glad all is well with you and the little man.

Owl- congratulations to you too. So pleased for you. Will keep everything crossed that all goes well. How exciting and yet frightening all at once!

Sorry you have been struggling with memorials miss and Google. It never ceases to amaze me how insensitive people can be, especially when you would expect them to know better. We still have Daisy's and Lily's ashes. Not sure what we want to do with them so for now they will stay at home with us.

Star it was an excellent match wasn't it.

Miss- I hate it when when our dogs do that when DH is not at home. Very unnerving in the middle of the night!

Just milling along here. Trying to patiently wait for appointment on 29th, but not good at waiting or being patient. Got a week off after next week and got dog competition on 20th so trying to keep focused on them. Also, so busy at work but finding it difficult to motivate myself.

Hugs to anyone that needs it and waves to everyone else. Hope you are all ok, xx

Hi all,

Miss well done for making it through the first couple of nights, not long to go now..... I sympathise with the dog though, my dog used to do that and it frightened the life out of me, she is now too old to hear most things!

Google have you had any more thoughts about the memorial for Eddy?

Olivia how are you doing?

Lemon it must be hard waiting for the appointment, but good that you have things to keeps you busy. Is the person you are seeing a specialist? Are you hoping to get answers, or just referrals for tests etc?

Star - I'm not entirely sure who I'll be seeing or what they'll do until I get there. I think it will be a specialist as Lincoln hospital don't have a clue why I'm miscarrying. They said at follow up that they'd put a stitch in in case it's a weak cervix, but they say what's happening is not typical of that and then scan me every two weeks from 16 weeks if we try again. We asked for a stitch last time but they said I didn't need one and when I asked about what if that's not the cause they couldn't answer, so have no confidence that they are actually gonna look after me next time. I spoke to my Dr who said he recommended I go to Notts as they have more experience, etc to see if they have any ideas.

Hi everyone, I have had a really crap time this last week, me and my partner went to a family bbq at the weekend. My brother was there with his two girls they're youngest was born 3 weeks before Olivia. I have seen her since Olivia passed but it was just in the car for a couple of minutes. I spent the whole afternoon trying to be brave and not cry I didn't want to upset anyone. They're oldest girl is 3 so I was playing with her most of the day and my sister in law asked me if I could d hold the baby for her I sort if froze and couldn't understand why she asked me when there was plenty of other people that could have done it, I didn't want to cause a fuss so I held my baby niece it was heartbreaking I could feel myself welling up I just kept thinking it should be my baby im holding then my SIL asked if I wanted to feed her I said to her no I couldn't do it as I never got to feed my girl she just laughed it off. Then she said that she didn't want me too treat her girls any different she feels im favouring the oldest one and she said as her baby grows up it will think I don't care about it I was shocked I tried to explain that it's not that I don't care about the baby but I just find it too hard to be around her just now. I ended up walking away as I could hold the tears no more. My brother apologised and said she didn't mean to upset me but I should know by now what she's like she says it how it is. It really hurt me I feel like they expect me to be ok they left not long after and I was so glad to see the back of them but I still couldn't enjoy the day. Even now I feel so angry at my sister in law I feel she doesn't realise how lucky she is.

Im starting to get out on my own now, I go to the shops and take the dog for a walk I don't go far but im pleased im able to get out when my partner is at work, we got an appointment sent through the post from the IVF clinic for the end of August it's gave me some hope we still have a frozen embryo so we are going to ask about when we would be allowed to use it. I know it's going to be a while away as I had a c section but I feel better having some hope for the future. It's 8 and a bit weeks since I had Olivia and I still haven't had my periods yet. Can anyone tell me how long it is before they come back. I was chatting too my mum and she said I should have had six week check up and they would have mentioned periods to me. I haven't had a check up s I phoned the doctor and he said I should have had one and he doesn't know what's happened. I think it might be because I have no baby and the health visitor doesn't need to come to me so they have forgot. Well I have an appointment for next week now.
I was really pleased to read the good news this week a healthy baby born and a pregnancy congratulations ladies
I hope everyone else is good x

ORM What an awful experience for you at that BBQ. You did really well to get through that. I am sure you will enjoy spending time with both your nieces, you just need a little time and the other mother was being a bit OTT there. I hate this idea of people 'saying it how it is'. Just sounds like code for being rude to me. It's only been 8 weeks, how thoughtless. I hope the rest of your family were more supportive.

Good news about the new appointment at the IVF clinic, at least you will be able to find out what's what. My baby was born on 4th sept, and my period returned on xmas day, so that's 16 weeks. I think that's quite long tho, maybe stress plays a part? Glad you are getting out and about a bit too. Hope this week is better.

Little good news about your appointment too. At least it seems like a step in the right direction. Time will go quick till then. I can't really believe how the time has flown by this year. July already.

Thanks to you all for your kind wishes too. I am ok except hungry and have heartburn all the time! Waves to everyone.

Oliviarosemummy Oh poor you I so feel for you and your horrid experience with your SIL. She was incredibly insensitive, I cant believe the things she has said! I'm afraid people being insensitive is something we've all had to deal with, and still do. It seems the great majority of people just cannot understand how we are feeling. They really dont mean to be cruel, but the end result is the same. I think you should definitely distance yourself from her, at least for the time being as no doubt she will carry on with her pearls of wisdom. When you are feeling so fragile you just dont need the added pain of people like her, so try and just be around people who care and are sensitive if you can.

I am 6 months down the line from losing my daughter and only got together with my in-laws for the first time last weekend. It was hard for me too as there was a baby there, so I can only imagine how awful it was for you when only 8 weeks have passed and you had a baby forced into your arms. I am so angry with your SIL

Good for you at getting out and about a bit, even though you dont feel like it in the end just a change of scenery helps to lift your spirits a tiny bit. After my c-section it took me 9 weeks to get my period back.

Of course you should feel some hope for the future, even though its hard to imagine right now. I hope your appointment at the clinic goes well and you its not too long before you can go pick up your frostie :)

Owl any news?

Waves to all xx

Owl our messages must have crossed! So glad to hear you are hungry and have heartburn...very definite pregnancy symtoms! :) xx

oliviarosemummy I'm so sorry you had such a horrible time with your sil. I can't believe someone would behave that way - even though most people don't know how we feel or what to say, they're normally well-meaning at least! Incredibly insensitive, I'm angry on your behalf. Well done for getting through it, and also for getting out with the dog each day etc. My first period took 11weeks; if you scroll up thread to a couple of months ago I was asking the same question (think I was also at about 8-9 weeks after Eddy) and lots of people replied. Really good you have the ivf appt to 'look forward' to, hope they'll be happy to get moving in whatever timing you feel is best for you.

owl congratulations I am so so happy for you :) I actually thought you were! Thank you for the ideas for a memorial for Eddy, that really helped. I hadn't heard of the arboretum and really like the idea of putting a stone there, we will probably do that whatever else we do. I am feeling a bit more back on track now, but for a while it really knocked me back (hence me going back to lurking not posting, been hiding away again a bit). I felt more like at the beginning (but without the shock).
We're still not sure what we're going to do, but have visited the local cemetery and another church nearby as both are options. Tbh, we haven't been badly treated, i feel bad that i've given that impression! The hospital did give us the option of them arranging everything (not sure what that would have involved) but we opted to have a service at our church as that felt right - more like what we'd do for any other member of our family; it feels so important that he's not just hidden away like he never existed and both the hospital and crem aren't in our town so it felt right that it should be here and not miles away iyswim? The funeral parlour we used didn't charge us, we only paid for the flowers and cars, and our church didn't charge. Nobody seems to quite know why the plaques can only go up for 10years, currently we are without a vicar and a lovely retired vicar who takes some services did Eddy's funeral for us, and even he didn't know about the 10yr thing.
I think we'll spend a bit of time mulling it over. I feel more ok with it, but still sad that we'll have to make special trips somewhere rather than him being slightly more a part of our normal lives if that makes any sense?

miss hope you're managing ok with dh away - over half way now :)

google I'm glad you haven't been badly treated and that the memorial ideas helped. It's a difficult decision to make, but i'm glad you had choices. We are currently starting to think about a stone for our daughter. DH has been to get the info, but i can't quite start looking yet. Maybe in a few weeks.

Google its good that you have other options for Eddys memorial, but like you say its a shame he cant be part of your weekly visit to the church. Dont suppose you could donate a wooden bench for your churchyard and have a littel plaque put on the back could you? There is one near my Mums grave and its a lovely place to sit and at the same time as remembering Eddy you'd be creating a peaceful place for other bereaved people to rest and spend some time close to their loved ones.

Finally got DH back, missed him so much! To be truthful I coped better than I thought I would, so I have now got up the courage to go visit my Dad for a while. Havent seen him for over a year what with everything thats happened. So I might be AWOL for a few days as I wont have regular Internet conection there...hope the only news I miss is good...

Waves to all xx

Hope everyone is enjoying the nice weather we are having - I've been seeing lots of little butterflies these last few days and every time I say 'hey Ben' to my little boy - butterflies are so significant for me and my hubbie.
I've not been about much but wanted to drop by and wish everyone gentle days.

missalex I'm glad your dh is back and you're feeling more confident having coped with him being away. I think every time we force ourselves to do things that we find a bit hard and it turns out ok we gain a little bit of confidence back iykwim?
A bench would be really nice but it sounds like they're often not for more than a few years either although we've not looked into it in detail yet. I would like that though if it's possible :)

jules yes the weather's lovely here. I've seen several red admirals today (I think? The pretty reddish ones anyway), there are loads, i will remember Ben now when i see them :) Can I ask why the butterflies remind you of him?

lemon a bit belated, but congratulations, I hope everything is going smoothly and you're not too tired. So pleased for you.

Hello to star, oliviarosemummy, little, fanjo, anyone I've rudely missed.

Af was due here yesterday and I'm getting impatient - I even tested today because I needed to paint the kitchen and drink some beer in the sun so now I know the stick says no, I just want to get on with the next month! Grr.

babyh, not seen you on here for a while hope things are ok

owl realised I didn't say what I'd meant to to you - it dawned on me the other day that I'd always thought of you as 'owlina' (pronounced owleena). Finally realised. Duh, how thick am I?!
Hope you're not feeling sick or anything & all's ok.

google butterflies are significant because the first thing we were given when we lost Ben was a few lines about a butterfly; then we saw one not long after loosing Ben and then we met some people who said butterflies are like our angels - perfect, pretty, fluttering here and there - I guess they just remind us of Ben. If you watch them they flutter about, landing only for a short while before they fly on again - a bit like Ben - here for only a short time and then he flew on again. It might sound crazy but it's comforting x

owl congratulations

oliviarosemummy can not believe your SIL, talk about being thick!!. What did she seriously expect. I think you did really well am sure I would have been in floods on tears.

missit took me quite a while to get my confidence back. I remember going round a garden centre in the early days and being on the verge of tears. Think it was because there was lots of mums there with prams. But it does get easier and you are doing well.

jules love the butterfly being an angel. It is a lovely way to think of Ben being around with you.

little glad your appointment came through.It has seemed like you have been waiting ages for that.

jules that's beautiful - I have been finding today hard and have watched butterflies and like you say, they're there for a short time and then fly on again. It made me think how glad I am Eddy was in our lives, just not for as long as I'd have liked. There's a kind of peace with that, in a way.

Butterflies have a meaning for us too. When we looked back at the photos we took on our daughter's last day we realised we were both wearing tops with butterflies on. It just happened to be what my mum had grabbed from home and brought to the hospital for us. I love what jules has said, it's a beautiful way of saying it. We have a few butterfly things on the little grave too.

google i quite like owleena, sounds quite sweet! Not feeling too grim at the mo, towards lunch is the worst if i haven't managed to eat mid morning. v tired tho.

google I'm sorry you're having a difficult day but glad the butterflies are giving you some peace.
This is the poem we were given when we first lost Ben - our best friends had it stitched onto a cushion for us, which has butterflies on one side and is plain on the other side. The cushion sits in the lounge with the poem on display:

A Butterfly Lights Beside Us

A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam...
and for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world...
but then it flies on again, and although
we wish it could have stayed,
we are so thankful to have seen it at all.
Author Unknown

Hope everyone is ok x