Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Hello, and my sincerest condolences to all you angel mummies.

I hope you don't mind me diving in with my story.. My first pregnancy was going smoothly up until I was around 31wks. I began experiencing a niggling pain in my ribs with turned to a constant burning pain. I was misdiagnosed with a kidney infection but antibiotics did nothing to ease the pain. Eventually, at my 33wk antenatal it was found that I was measuring as though I was 2wks overdue. I'd had a massive growth spurt which was cause for concern. A scan 2 days later showed that there was nearly 3x the usual amount of amniotic fluid and my poor baby had fluid in the lungs and under the skin.

It wasn't clear what was happening or why, but it was clear that things weren't good. I was referred to a feral medicine unit in London but had to wait the weekend until they could fit me in. I was there only 3 days, found out my baby was a little girl! Had so many tests and a procedure to remove some of the excess fluid, but in the final scan I watched in disbelief as my baby's heart simply stopped beating. 22nd September 2010. Amia Boo came into the world on 26th September weighing 5lb11.5oz. She was beautiful.

It's been a long road to where I am today.. Amia's dad and I had split halfway though the pregnancy and he remained distant throughout her birth. I grieved alone for our daughter. In Dec 2011 I met my OH. We both wanted the same things from our relationship (to settle down) and we moved in together Dec 2012. I had the contraceptive implant put in Feb 2012 but I've booked to have it removed 8th May as we are 'ready' to start ttc. I say ready, but I don't think I will ever truly be ready for another pregnancy.. As much as it terrified me, I also know that I need another baby. Amia is irreplaceable, but my arms yearn for a baby.

I'm so nervous and excited about what the future holds, and so thankful to have found this thread ! Congratulations to all those who have shared their recent good news xxx

Google: Anyway......10 months on and my children still talk about him.....but kids bounce back easier than adults and they talk about him with more fondness than sadness now. It's still incredibly hard at times and always will be......I remember feeling like I would never smile again but you will and your children will help you to get through these early days of grief. A friend from work came to see me a couple of wks after my son died and she had lost her 2nd child and only son at 30 weeks many years ago. I remember her saying so vividly 'it just takes time' and she would often text me and say 'remember it gets easier in time' and she was right it does eventually and it will for you too. In the meantime the supportive ladies on here will be here to help you through these dark days. I would have been lost without them. Take care xxxxxxxxxxxx

More to follow don't want my posts to disappear into mumsnet cyberspace!

So sorry Amias just cross posted with you will reply in a mo xxxxxx

Amias,

A warm but sad welcome, sorry for the cross post I was just in the middle of a post to GOOGLE and always loose my posts if I type for too long!
I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely Amia boo and everything you went through. I'm also terribly sorry you had to grieve for your beautiful daughter alone. It's lovely to hear you have now met your OH and are ready to try again.......of course you baby girl is irreplaceable but we all understand the need to hold another baby.

I am pregnant again after my beautiful baby boy died 10 months ago today. I have just had my 12 week scan last Monday and I was absolutely terrified......I cried on the way convinced the baby had died because that was how I discovered my son had died. (at a scan) I had attended the hospital following a period of reduced movement and a change of pattern......the Drs face who scanned me said it all and he will be engraved in my mind forever.

Anyway, all is well with this pregnancy so far......I wish you all the luck in the world TTC and hope you will be holding a little rainbow baby very soon xxxxxxxxx

Thank you babyh, for your warm welcome. I'm so sorry about the loss of your son. It never ceases to amaze (and upset) me that there are so many people going through the same thing.. Congratulations on your pregnancy! So pleased that everything is going well so far. I have everything crossed for you! I can imagine how emotional your scan was. I'm so excited to finally be trying for baby number 2 but also dreading all the emotions and memories the pregnancy will unearth. I'm still 3 days away from having the implant removed, but already feeling a little all over the place.

Hello Amias, another warm but sad welcome here. I am so sorry to hear about your little girl, Amia is such a beautiful name. I am here after my son Dexter was born prematurely last year. We had 12 days with him, but at 24 weeks he was just too little to survive. I am now pregnant with a rainbow brother for him. 26 weeks along.

The women here have been a constant support through the difficult journey. SO many different stories and journeys, and so much understanding.

Just wanted to weigh in to the clearblue debate! I had one for a few months as part of a clinical trial, and I didn't find it brilliant to be honest. My cycles can be quite long and varied, and I don't think the monitor ever got used to them. I never got the high fertility reading. I did concieve while using it, but I was also temperature charting so I could spot when I OVed using that. I would recommend charting as well, it is cheap and easy and lets you know what is going on. SO when I got to day 42 with no AF I knew not to panic, because I had seen the OV temp spike on day 38 so I knew I had just had a late one. All you need is a basal body thermometer (about a tenner from amazon) and there are brilliant free websites where you can put in the temperatures and it will draw the graph for you. I used fertilityfriend.com.

Thinking about us all, we have warmth and beautiful sunshine up north, hope you all do too x x

Welcome Amias so sorry you find yourself here, such a sad story to be alone at such a time. Im so glad you have found a new partner and you are ready to start again. I hope you find this thread as supporting as I have and do.
My daughter Ophelia was stillborn two years ago from a true knot in her cord, im currently 14 weeks pg and living day by day.

I never used to the clearblue monitor, I did think about it but fell pg. But after falling pg this last time without using opks and actually might have had sex two of three days before ovulation, I think Im not sure. I used Opks before and that has helped me understand the signs my body gives when Im ovulating. I think though its very helpful to understand how our cycles work.

Its beautiful down here on the south coast, weve been out for ice cream on the beach, lovely! Hope you are all having lovely sun filled days.

cheese and razz how are you both?

Hello Rainbox, I'm so sorry about Dexter. He must have been a real fighter to have held on for those 12 days, bless him. Congratulations and best of wishes for your rainbow pregnancy.

Hello Fanjo, I'm very sorry to hear about Ophelia. I think living life 'day by day' becomes a way of life for us angel mummies. Congratulations and best wishes for your rainbow.

It's a horrible 'club' we all find ourselves in, but I'm very grateful to have angel mummy friends who truly understand. Since Amia was born, I have met so many strong and courageous women who have become true lifelong friends. A lot of the already have their rainbow babies, which gives me hope for the (hopefully not too distant) future.

Hi all.... Sorry it's been a while.
A warm but sad welcome to all the new Angel Mummies here.

Hope everyone is doing ok?

Sorry not to name check.... Things are ok with me. AF finally arrived - exactly 7 weeks post miscarriage. I finally know where I'm at. We will start to TTC our rainbow once more.

We have had a few good days - went to a charity dinner over the weekend for angel babies which was so emotional but a lovely way to remember my gorgeous Ben. I took some time to reflect on him and on my subsequent miscarriage. I felt that I started to let go of my grief a bit - sounds weird but hoping some of you guys here will get that. For a short moment it felt like I might be ok in the end. It didn't last long, but I felt it most definately. Anyone else know this feeling?
I went to see Ben over the weekend too; took some pretty flowers and a solar powered butterfly too which is now fluttering away in the gorgeous sun we are having. Again I felt peaceful for a short few moments.

Anyhow.... Hope everyone here is doing ok and the days are passing gently..... Hugs to all xxx

Thanks everyone for your messages, they are very encouraging and they do give me hope that things will feel better in time.
I haven't managed to reply before as we've had a very busy few days with lots of visitors. It's been good keeping busy, and for the kids to have friends to play with, but we've found today hard emotionally, having been lifted out of the grief for a bit it seems as though you crash back down again afterwards. So, reading your messages again tonight has reminded me to just keep going - hopefully better days will come.

star - yes we opted for a pm but it will be a few more weeks before we hear anything back. They're not expecting it to give any more information though, it sounds like placental abruptions often don't have an obvious cause, and that they aren't predictable. One of the reasons why trying again would be scary - I was being scanned regularly in any case as my other children were small (i'd had one a week and a half before which didn't show a problem).

babyh yes it's the shattering of the kids' innocence that bad things really do happen & sometimes mum& dad can't make it all better that makes me so sad for them - it's good to hear your kids have 'bounced back' - am really hoping mine do. Did you find anything in particular that helped them?

Good luck tomorrow amias

Hello Amiasmummy, welcome to the thread from me too. Your little girl has a very pretty and unusual name, how did you come choose it, if you don't mind me asking?
My little girl Merryn died a year ago when she was six days old after a failed attempt to remove a tumour. We have two boys (10 and 5) and I'm 24 weeks pregnant with another boy. Good luck with TTC, it is very scary, but the time does pass..

Jules.... Hi lovely! I'm 'glad' AF has turned up for you, I remember feeling relief when mine did each time, means you have a focus again...
I understand what you mean about moments when things feel better, I get this, and I grab it tight! I used to feel guilty, but now I think that's what Merryn would have brought, happiness and love. It's closer to her than grief and sadness, so I chase it. I still have sharp edges on the stone that sits inside me though, and unexpected tears are just as likely.... X

Hey.... Hope everyone is doing ok? It's been quiet here over the last week so I thought id stop by and check in.
Hugs to all xx

Hi all, it is quiet on here, we are all busy i guess.

Remember i am poglol, have changed name.

Have been trying the clear blue monitor this month, dh wants to see if i am actually ovulating. We have taken your advice Rainbox and have also bought the thermometer. That will be the cheaper option after this month.

Been a difficult week, friends have just had their baby, ov pleased for them but I've had to unfollow on Twitter as he is making comments and posting pictures (quite understandably). What really got me tho was a comment he made about not believing in God because 'he was a dick'. Now i know this is only a silly twitter comment, but it really made me upset given the circumstances of his just having a fit and healthy baby. Not everyone had to believe of course, but i think it was just a little too much for me.

Hey ho, i know I'm being over sensitive. Hope everyone is getting on OK x

Hi everyone,

Sorry I've been AWOL for a while. A warm but sad welcome to Amia, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter and your subsequent break up, that must have been so tough. Amia is a beautiful name.

Rainbox thinking of you and Dexter lots at the moment xx

Babyh glad you had good hols, hope you are finding work a bit less tiring now.

Jules the charity dinner sounds like a wonderful way to remember Ben and good news that AF has arrived and you know where you are now.

Google hope you are doing ok

Owl Hi! I don't blame you re twitter, I find it so hard to be happy for friends at the moment, their happy news just makes me sad. I have taken myself off FB (well, deleted app from phone) as I find it just too tough to be confronted with pics/happy news etc. Re the "God" comment, it's one of those things that people say without thinking but can actually really hurt and play on your mind. Socialising is such a minefield now. I think every time I see or speak to someone who hasn't been through what we have they say something insensitive. Luckily most of the time I just let it float over me but some of them are harder to let go of than others.

Not much to report from me, waiting for AF to show up (or hopefully not) have telltale signs though so expecting it.... I ov late in the cycle so if AF does arrive I am at least hoping to hold out for another couple of days so that LP is longer. I know far more than I ever cared to about conception and cycles.... I realised today that I haven't cried since 1 May (although then it was real crazy lady wrenching sobs), I'm not sure whether that is a good or a bad thing. Missing my darling boy as always xxxx

And hi to everyone else thinking of us all xxx

Sorry for continual posting.... Green I passed on that hug xx

Hi Jules So sorry to hear about your recent miscarriage. I'm pleased for you that AF arrived and you now know where you are. Wishing you every bit of luck in TTC. I totally "get" what you said about letting go of your grief a bit. I've also had those moments where I feel like everything will be ok in the end, kind of at peace with the world. I like to think that those moments will come more and more. We'll never be 'ok' with the fact our angels are no longer with us, but I like to think that we will be ok one day :)

Google Thank you for your warm welcome and for complementing Amia's name. Typically, I had settled on a boy's name but was still undecided for a girl. I didn't find out she was a girl until 2 days before she passed as I'd originally wanted a surprise. Going through my list of girl's names, I decided my favourite was Amaya but then I found that one of it's meanings was 'end' and I hated it. Amia came up as one of the 'similar names' and it means 'beloved/dearly loved'. I just knew it was the name for my little girl.
Sorry to hear about your sweet little Merryn. That's also a lovely and unusual name! Where did you find it? I've been reading back in the thread and noticed it was Merryn's birthday a few weeks ago so please accept my belated birthday wishes Congratulations and the very best wishes for your rainbow boy.

owl Sending hugs. It's always difficult to see friends and family welcoming their new arrivals. Not because you're not happy for them, or wish things differently for them, but because it really brings home all that we missed with our little ones and obviously we wish we could have had the happy arrival that was meant to be. I'm so sorry that your friend hasn't been more considerate. He clearly wasn't thinking, and would probably be mortified if he knew how much his stupidity had hurt your feelings.
What is the clear blue monitor like? I've been trying to track my basal temperature but finding it difficult to get a true reading. As I understand, you have to take your temp. before getting up or moving around, but I seem to toss and turn a lot in my waking hours so my temp. has been all over the place! Wishing you lots of luck TTC

Hi star Thank you for your warm welcome and kind words. What is your little boy's name? I too feel like I know far too much about fertility and trying to conceive.. there's so much information available on the internet, it can be quite overwhelming! Although I've only just had the implant out, I've been researching for months and doing everything I can to prepare my body. Driving myself mad already but very excited wishing you all the very best!

I hope everyone's week has started off gently. Sending warm wishes and hugs to those who need it. xxx

Oops, sorry star I also wanted to add that it's ok that you haven't cried for a while. I can't remember the last time I cried properly, although the grief has not subsided. When I think of the first year, when I was crying my heart out pretty much all the time it seems strange that I don't cry that often now. But the way I see it is that we grow tough as angel mummies. We spend so much time putting a face on for the world and choking back tears when we're in public that it becomes a long term habit, whether we're in public or not. It sounds silly, but sometimes when I feel I need a good cry I will put on Amia's songs or look through her things and, I suppose, make myself cry. Not that I want to wallow, particularly, but I find it helps to have that release.

Hi guys, nice to hear from you again. I know my twitter friend didn't mean anything by it, thanks for your understanding though.

Clear blue monitor seems easy enough to use, but I've not done a whole cycle yet. DH has bought a thermometer too, think we might try both next month to see how it coincides and then just use thermometer as clear blue sticks are very expensive! My DH is quite keen to find out whether or not I'm ovulating, tho im not suite

... sure what he will do with the info if I'm not! But i think he just wants to feel like we are doing something, not just waiting.

Regarding the time passing and upset, it's a weird one. I don't think i feel any better about what has happened, but i think it's just easier to cope with the situation. Yes amias i think 'putting a face on' makes it easier, but still feel like something is missing.

Fingers crossed for no af star, but i guess you are thinking it's on it's way.

Oh dear, just noticed that my reply to google was meant to be to green
And I meant to say thank you to google for wishing me well. The implant removal went well and I got my AF just 3 days later. Hoping everything settles down soon so I can keep track of my cycles although we will obviously be ttc as soon as AF goes away! Sorry to hear about Eddy. Sending love and strength your way.

Sorry for the confusion! I'm still trying to get to know everybody.

star I hope that you get confirmation that you're ovulating. The price of the clear blue sticks is what put me off and steered me toward the thermometer instead.

Wow, it really has been quiet on here. I will make it a proirity to read and post at lunch today.

lemon how are you?

Hi, I am fine. This week was the second birthday of my angel but managed OK. Agree it as been very quiet on here.

How is everything going fan often thinking about you? Do you know how little is getting on?

Star it is OK not to have cried for a while. We all have good and bad days it does not mean that we love them any less, just that we find ways to cope.

Jules the charity dinner sounds good. Sounds like a lovely way to remember Ben.

amiasmum what a lovely name for your little girl. The ladies on this thread are really supportive but I am sorry you find yourself her.

lemon I chatted to little on facebook a week or two ago, she is doing well, and said to send you all love on this thread and that she hopes to be back soon.
How many weeks are you now lemon?

I'm doing ok, I'm 16 weeks tomorrow, can feel a little bit of movement from bumpkin, buts its generally tightenings, I'm hoping my fibroids are in a different palce this time so I will get to feel more movement. Really for my on piece of mind.

Waves to everyone, I hope you are all having peaceful days.

Hi am 35 weeks. Have consultant appt at start of June to discuss if I should be induced early or not. This one is turning out to be a large baby. Know what you mean about movement. This one had an anterior placenta which cushioned most of the movements early on. Just take it one day at a time. I remember every day after 24 week that the survival goes up.