Good Morning girls.
Glad you found us Fireflies
Jbrd, I am pleased to hear it all went well. I hope your recovery is smooth. I found I was very,very tired afterwards, but I think more than anything it was the anesthetic.
Greenlizard, I completely sympathise with you - I too have those mind-games all the time. Even today, with my low temperature, spotting and less than tender boobs, I too wonder if perhaps I am pregnant because a) I haven't had a proper bleed yet, b)my boobs are a little bit sensitive, c)I gagged on my toothbrush yesterday and d)I really, really want to be pregnant
Unfortunately I had a shit day yesterday too, Calibee,I got a letter from the tax department telling me I've made a mistake on my return and will have to pay money back, which they'll let me know about soon
. And for some reason, my DH lost his temper at me (I still don't really understand, except that he is grumpy) and shouted and swore, so I took off for the day with my youngest in tow. Later, he apologised and we talked, and it seems he is just finding things a bit overwhelming. I am glad he is going away next week for a few days (though he is taking DD2 to her friend's place in the city), and then the following weekend he's having a golfing weekend with friends. Which is kind of a relief - I think he needs some time without us. Anyway, I said something about how it seems that DS(our youngest) and I seem to get on his nerves, and he said, "that was always going to happen with DS". I said, "I had always hoped the positives would outshine the negatives", he replied,"well, it clearly isn't".
It makes me feel and . Sad because he doesn't enjoy our gorgeous little boy in the same way I do (though I know he loves him very much), and angry because I feel it is partly his own fault that he hasn't bonded well with DS. I have done almost all of the getting up at night, all the hands on stuff,spent the most time with him, and DH has not tried to get close to him. So now that DS is four, he clearly has a preference for his mum and DH doesn't get the same attention/cuddles etc from DS. I honestly think if DS had been an "accident" baby, DH would have been better with him, but it seems because I wanted him,instigated ttc, etc, that there is an unspoken expectation that I would do most of the baby-raising, and that is kind of what happened. But I can't really say anything about it because it just upsets DH if I say he needs to try harder to bond with DS.
The upshot of all this is that I feel I can't really keep ttc the way I have been. I think if I get pregnant it really has to be a surprise, miracle, totally unexpected thing so that it puts DH and me on a level playing field IYKWIM. I don't think I can cope with the responsibility of making DH miserable by willingly bringing a new child into our lives.
So it looks like I should be relieved that I'm not pregnant this month (I'm not relieved), and should also be thankful that DH is away during my next fertile phase, so I won't be tempted to tempt him
. And after that I should probably use my CBFM to avoid fertile time.
It makes me feel like shit to think all this, but I don't what else to do. I suppose it is about time I thought about something else, but giving up on this dream feels like giving up a part of myself. If I could have anything, it would be that my DH and I could be on the same page about this. He still risks us getting pregnant because he won't use contraception (and I'm not going to start), but he isn't actively ttc like I have been, though I think I am stopping that now.
I won't be leaving the thread though, I feel at home here and really want to see how everyone else gets on.
Sorry this post is so self-centred, just trying to get my head around everything