TTC 10+ months thread 12

[buzzybee123]

A very friendly and supportive thread for those taking way longer than they had ever expected to make a baby.

Just popping in....very quickly as I saw lemons post. And it made me feel so and I wanted to offer some words of princessy advice. Warning, may be long and essay like....

So, Dear Lemon,

First of all, please have one of my paws to hold and a very big non MN hug, some real love and understanding and some organic homemade lemony madelines.

Second, I will say as someone who has experienced 2 MCs that they are the most traumatic things I have ever been through in my life. I have had a relatively charmed existence with a lovely family and probably not enough knocks in life. Some knocks, but not really serious ones. I didn't cope with the MC - and lots of people couldn't understand what I was going through and thought I needed a big dose of pulling together. They hadn't had MCs either and only those that have can truly know the emotional wrench it has on your life. This makes TTC post MC very grueling. The knowledge that you can get pregnant, the frustration of the next cycles not working, the fear of getting pregnant and MC happening again and not being sure if you want to continue but being spurred on by some weird primal force that keeps you going. I know some people have the magic post MC diffage. I expected this to be me in July 2009, August 2009, September 2009.... I had to give up trying altogether in October 2009 because I couldn't take it any more. I was really pretty weak. I was a healthy 27 year old - people have sex and get babies - that's what we're taught, right? The month in month out trying is just exhausting and the emotional toll is huge - that's why you have to give yourself extra love at these times when it gets you in its clutches. I had depression, I wasn't myself, I put on weight, I couldn't focus on anything. I went from bubbly party girl to dumpy desperate to be mummy. But as time went on it did get better (and a good personal trainer helped me shift the weight!) and I started to come back happier, albeit less shiny happy. It took me about a year to be stronger and happier and positive and to have put the MC in place for what it was - an unfortunate act of nature that I couldn't control - something just not meant to be. We then started trying post wedding in September 2010 (wedding July 2010) I expected to be pregnant by Xmas. We would have our baby before our 1st wedding anniversary. The next natural diffage was April 2011, found out May, lost second baby two weeks later. It wasn't nearly as bad as the first one but was very upsetting and this time I was full of rage and it's not fair, why me, self pity etc. I knew then that either something was wrong, I was very unlucky or it was just another not meant to be baby. I could get pregnant - it would happen soon - I really thought that baby would be here sometime early 2012 - hold the skiing hols I thought to myself. Wasn't to be and ended up at the doctors, then consultants having all the tests and waiting for referral for IVF. And giving up dairy and doing the brown diet and only using organic toiletries and throwing ££££s of make up out and getting to grips with myself through therapy and meditation. If you had told me this a few years back, I would have laughed in your face and snorted a huge amount of gin at you through my nostrils. Really I cannot explain how angry at the world I was last year. I really did need therapy. By the end of summer I was less angry but fed up. The recent surprise diffage (strange to be hit by it like an unplanned pregnancy) wasn't believable until the first scan. It amazes me everyday: how did it happen? What was different? (yes, I know you all know the mechanics and no I don't need reminding ) and I still wonder whether any of the stuff I did: diet, life coaching, meditation, positive visualisation, moving house, resting more, acupuncture - really helped. Or was it just the right circumstances, the right egg, the right sperm... Who knows it's all a bit magical this making babies lark. I don't over think it now, I'm just concentrating on not killing my in laws and preparing life for the big upheaval later this year. I'm also a bit terrified about what's going to happen, in a totally different way to TTC. I'm glad I respect and appreciate the process though. I'm glad I got a chance to grow up before having my baby. I do believe that some of the 'head' and diet stuff I did must have had an effect because I didn't have an identifiable problem. But who knows, eh? For me, from instadiff to baby will have taken 4 years. That's a big chunk of my adult life - 30% to be precise. Some of which, I can't even remember because I found some months so traumatic. But it's not all been bad and I do have nice memories to look back on as well as the bad ones and I guess I feel like a much more sage and wise princess. I certainly don't take any of the TTC / pregnancy process for granted. I also find so much more wonderment in the universe and have so much more empathy for human beings. We all have shit to deal with. You can't understand this until you've been through your life mill.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad or say that it will take as long as me. That would be the last thing I would want to to. I really believe that you will get there. You are getting help - the finest washed and coiffed sperms and some help to make your eggs extra juicy. You know that this works for you, the process - natural or AC - just doesn't always end up in the babies we all want so badly. But you have the plus of being a much more pragmatic, sensible and less angry person than me. You are strong. You haven't given up. These lows hit because of the frustration and because you are still grieving. That's understandable. And if no-one else gets it, I do.

Please don't lose hope, lemon you will get there. When you least expect it. I am proof, so are the other grads. We're not just a select chosen few, it's just a matter of time.

Lots of love, Princess xxxxx

This goes for all the lovely 10 plussers. I still read most days and I'm up to speed with you all. I just keep on the sidelines, quietly cheerleading. Still rooting for you all lovely ladies. Keep it going - it will happen :) Princessy promises. :)

xxxx

Thanks princess, thank you. You are wonderful. Sorely missed on here. So massive thanks for popping back to help and support. I totally agree with you that MCs are the work of the devil and have the incredibly unfair tendency to come back and overwhelm you with grief on a regular basis. I did not see my wave of crying as yet another bit of grief for the MC, but it is still there, underneath it all. And of course, last night we had dinner with one of the pregnant people due just beyond my what-should-have-been date. So it must be playing a role still, even if I am feeling much better generally.

So what have I done? I got myself a lovely homemade RL biscuit to join your lemony ones and a big cup of herbal tea. And I am just letting the misery be for now. It clearly needs some space again.

I am angry on all our behalfs for the lengthy trials and tribulations. I am cross and sad. Both of which are normal. Where I differ from you princess is that I need to start engaging with the what-ifs, with the monster of despair that is awaiting me after a number of failed tries. I do think we'll get out baby, but I don't know any longer. As I really need some control, one way of gaining this, is by engaging with the what ifs. But that is sad and difficult and not fair. So I suppose a good cry is to be expected.

Thanks for the compliment about being sensible and less angry. The growing up out of that blessed childhood went with plenty of serious challenges, that should make me reasonably equipped to deal with all types of shit that life throws. But infertility has proven itself as one I could not manage myself. But counselling did make a huge difference, and I am just trying to use what I learned and knowing I can always get more (and pay lots for it!) if need be. I am sorry I inflicted my misery on you lot, but it feels like a safe place and sometimes it helps if people recognise feelings. So thank you princess. And don't worry, I am sure I'll be okay. With or without natural children, SB and I have improved massively as a pair in talking about it, so I think we'll emerge, eventually, strong, together and with a future we can be excited about...

Right, waves, thanks and tail feathers!

You're very welcome. A bucket load more love and hugs for your shitty day. xxxx

Congratulations Becks. I'm glad you got your baby. How was the birth?

Viv sorry to hear about the bedroom problems (although I'm glad to hear you got there in the end). Could you try a turkey baster to take the pressure off? Just knowing that there is an alternative might make it easier for Mr Viv? I've just read down and see that buzz has suggested the same thing.

doll that announcement must have been hard. Another adoption could be lovely though. Your first one seems to have worked really well!

madness that's not far away at all. Excellent news.

Drizz I know what you mean. I too wish for simpler times when I had far less to worry about. Being a grown up is just a bit sh1t sometimes.

Thanks for the belated birthday wishes, ladies.

I missed the last page of posts. to Princess. I hope you are doing well. I think you are very restrained not to have killed your inlaws already frankly.

As for me, I'm on CD6 and had a pre-IVF scan this morning. Everything looks good to go. I have another scan on Thursday and at that they might tell me when to trigger, then it's egg collection. Eek. I'm probably only a week away from sperm and egg getting it together in a petri dish (hopefully).

Just a reminder of my story for lemons TTC for 2 years, started fertility investigations. Husband had SA, sample adequate. Had PCT found I had thick acidic cervical mucous. Was prescribed oestrogen and clomid for next cycle. Had ovulation scan and advised to try a sodium bicarb douche at the time of ovulation. Gave it a go and when next period was due we got our BFP. She's now asleep on my lap. Can't believe how lucky we are to have her. It felt like it was never going to happen.

Well done as well for not killing in-laws! I failed to notice that earlier. The clinic called back, having a month off, as they're over run with people wanting treatment. So off to get better (am flu-y as well) and then to an alcoholic cheery month.

And thanks becks now I remember enjoy the little girl!

Hello ladies,

So sorry you're feeling blue lemons. I have some lovely pastry delivered by my mum will wonders never cease that I'm happy to share. I think a month off sounds a good idea. I am currently feeling like my downregging drugs are doing me a world of good. Perhaps I'm just at the top of a humongous mood swing, but having someone else take everything out of my hands and say that it is impossible for me to get pregnant for a couple of months has given me room to breathe. There is no pressure for sex, no spotting and no Af. This is the longest I have ever gone in my entire life without bleeding or cramps and it is bliss .

Thanks doll. Our friends had their child placed with them about a year after starting the process but it has taken several more months for the adoption to be almost official. Added a lot of extra stress for them as the mum was contesting the council taking permanent custody. She is an addict and is in no state to have him back but ongoing contact has been very difficult for everyone. The other couple they know who are adopting have had several matches not work out (prior to placement) which must be an emotional roller coaster of a completely different kind .

euro these things go so quickly once they actually get started don't they?? Lots of positive thoughts headed your way.

rabbit sorry for technical issues. So frustrating!

Thanks princess for the kind and wise words. We can all take a lot from them even if we haven't gone through the trauma of mc.

Congrats becks and I send you lots of cuddles and sleep filled nights

I am trying to look forward to the Feb appointment. Not sure how long things will take. The initial letter said April for ivf so first appointment will be all about blood tests and history I think. Will get my first amh test which is a bit worrying but only because I would rather not know. At 34 surely I won't have to deal with that as well?

Waves to everyone else. No snow at my house but lots at school. I do love it

lots of loves lemon and hi princess nice to see you here.

madness yes that's a good point, actual adoption doesn't occur until after the placement, sometimes a long time after. Actually it distorts the stats on average age that children are adopted in the UK, i.e. the placement can be much earlier because the stats are for the adoption rather than placement. Of course it's the placement that counts most in the experience, it's tough though when there are complications like in your friends case. My case was not UK but two legal adoption processes, one completed a month before we met and the other after he had been with us for a year.

I will post then continue.....

sorry ...keep losing stuff, you back to normal rabbit ?

So following my crappy weekend I decided I needed to take charge of the situation. In summary I didn't go to the meeting, kept my Drs appointment, followed by drug shopping, Ken is prepping the first injection as I write. I just have to move forward and get this stuff done. Back later.

mrsd hope all went well today and that you are resting up

becks I thought you were the douche lady we'll all be trying it now, enjoy your special time with your little girl

euro its all getting very exciting now :) 3 weeks till a BFP for you

lemon I am so sorry that you feel down,you've come so far, I think when you feel a bit better it is perhaps an idea to think about your other options, it is scary to start with, but it helps to know what the next step might be, but you'll get your baby just not how you planned :) big hugs

becks I shall be down regging in about 6 weeks I was worried about my AMH but in the end I think its best to actually know where things are at, it helped me make decisions about the future,

Well I have booked my A/L for the first week in May, we'll pay our deposit tonight then its just flights and accommodation to sort out. Oh and somebody to look after the cat

Aw lemon I'm sorry for your sad day. Sometimes these days just get you don't they and I think just being with the feeling is very wise and insightful. Nostalgia for times where fertility was not considered is very understandable, I often get it when I look at photos of me pre ttc. Odd cycles are always very unsettling as they present themselves as something not working. However, pre ttc these things happened to me from time to time and I thought not a lot of it (sometimes panicking I was pregnant, ha). Things will go back to 'normal' both in terms of your cycle and, in time, in the bigger picture. I have no doubt you will conceive again with a happier outcome but the waiting is intolerably difficult some days. Big squeeze.

buzzy good on you for having a date and a plan. Has the clinic been easy to arrange things with?

madness your date seems to have come round quickly?! Is there more down regging to go once you begin?

doll I'm ok. Lots of new baby Facebook pictures and perhaps a grieving for having now no close friends without children. I find that quite difficult to come to terms with. Hats off for grabbing the bull by the horns and going again. Will you get feedback on the last cycle? Same dr?

becks I can't remember if I said hurray for your new baby girl. Love it when people come back and pass on good news. Wave too to princess and your nice lemon message. Are you blooming not vomming now? That looks like a horrible sentence but the sentiment is nice!

gin when is your fet?

Thinking of mrsden and joycep and waves to pout did you start ivf? Other waves to other 10 plussers.

I have little to report. Other than feeling as barren as can be.

rabbit no barren talk thank you, yes they are very helpful, email within 24 hours, very efficient, have a list of drugs and a date I have to call them to get the ball rolling, so just have to pay up and then rock up in May

don't know what is wrong with the cat but she is very unsettled tonight

big hugs rabbit

Yes same Dr. He agreed we didn't learn much from the last cycle but considering my response in terms of numbers wasn't great the LP likely doesn't hold an advantage. I had a surprise period-fannycam to check for cysts (common if you haven't ov'ed which is, in turn, common post-IVF, he says). No cysts so I decided to start a short protocol today.

Hope you are ok mrsden

Buzzy ? my first step of AC will be IUI with Clomid. I start the drugs tomorrow. I have been TTC for 3 yrs & 4 mths. Never been pregnant. I?m 35. Both me and DH all tests are okay. Good luck with the IVF journey overseas. Good that the clinic had a good review in the newspapers!

Madness ? thanks for the encouragement. I am excited but also a little apprehensive. To be expected I guess.

Doll & Rabbit? yes I have been told that about adoption by 2 friends who have been through the adoption process and a doctor friend who I asked informally. I was on antidepressants for about a year but I think the concern was because I was actually hospitalised for a short time. That?s the feedback I have always had. Doll ? do you mind me asking? Was your son a baby when you adopted? How did you find the adoption process overall?

Freedom ? good luck with your IUI mark 4. I too have an appointment booked already for March to discuss IVF even though I have not yet done my 1st IVF. I wish you lots of luck.

Lemon ? I am sorry to read you are feeling so down. I think TTC can really get to you. I have days where I feel really positive and don?t really think about it and others where I can?t sleep and wonder how I got to this place and if I will always be childless and cannot stop crying. I have had a few of those days recently. It?s ups and downs ? just like life really. I do think this makes you stronger though and I hope to look back one day and feel I got something from all the heartache.

Mrsd ? lots of luck for your Lapo. I am sure it will go well. Better out than in. It help solve whatever issues you had. I have heard of that happening before.

Princess ? I don?t know you at all but your post was very lovely. Brought tears to my eyes. So happy it was a good result for you.

Becks ? Congrats on your baby! I am really intrigued by your post. I have heard of acidic mucous before but never heard of sodium bicarb douche as a solution. Did you have tests done to confirm you had this ?unfriendly? mucous? If so, was this done privately or on nhs?

Hello to everyone else! I am having the period from hell but the happiest I have ever been to have a period as it means Clomid tomorrow and hopefully IUI in a few weeks. My 1st time doing anything AC. Wish me luck.

Sending positive vibes to all!

Very best of luck with the AC sea On the adoption, if your friends were prevented from adoption because of mental health issues that's really grim news, there are plenty of folk who have direct experience of successful processes with history of depression and other plenty of other issues. Yes, our son was a baby. We were actually rejected in the initial interview, we just didn't take no for an answer. It was complicated but so worth it.

Ooh buzzy that all sounds so real, doesn't it? Dates and drug regimes and tickets to buy

rabbit sorry you're feeling a bit meh today. This appointment has been quick but the paperwork says that amh results can take 4 weeks so I think the estimate of April is probably accurate, by the time they get results and decide what we should do. I can live in hope for an earlier date though! My downregging injections last a month and the next one is due about a week and a half after our appointment with the clinic. I imagine they will probably keep me on it until at least the mid march, but perhaps they'll switch to a different drug that doesn't last a whole month. But what the heck do I know??? I will go in there and turn into a nodding dog that will do anything at all they tell me too

doll thinking of you as you start the injections. Sometimes you do just need to throw yourself into it. Happy stabbing!!

Ridiculous that i feel ready for bed at just after half eight..... That combined with a rather startling increase in grey hairs is making me feel very old!

Back tomorrow

Freedom, I'm sorry about the percentage of poor swimmers - how do you feel? Hang in there...it only takes one.

Mrsden, how did it go today? Hope you are okay.

Lemon, I choked up reading your post - such despair. When I say women like us are 'warriors', I really mean it. Miscarriage is unutterably painful and unfair and the subsequent sense of failure and doom simply feels unbearable. I know how it feels to still be waiting for a pregnancy and losing hope as the months roll by. Unlike you, I don't know how it feels to have an AC cycle fail. You are a warrior and you will continue to fight for this baby. I, too, think you will be successful, but I know this means little to you at this time. We need to do whatever it takes to silence the demons that would tell us this isn't going to happen; that we are somehow unluckier or too different to everybody else around us. Take courage...we are all stronger than we think x

Princess, I don't know you (I'm a relative newbie) but your advice and support is very generous-hearted. Congratulations on your pregnancy

Euro, how egg-citing!! [groan]

Seaview, good luck!

Mr. Viv managed to ejaculate again tonight (I'm ovulating sometime today) and has promised to wake me with a sample I can inseminate myself with in the morning (I have a proper self-insemination kit).

Lemon, I hope you don't take this as me patronising you, but something that was drilled into us in rehab during therapy was to avoid - at all costs - living in the past. Memories are good and nostalgia, too, but to yearn for an age where everything was simple and where hurt didn't yet exist is to deny the present and all it has to offer. I am not trying to negate what you are feeling, honestly I'm not. I spend far too long wishing my present situation was different; that I wasn't burdened with this millstone around my neck called TTC; that I could be gifted with a child as easily as those who pop the fuckers out. But this is my reality, and whilst I can't say for sure that this journey will enrich us in some way, I have a very strong feeling it's not all for nothing. You sound like a strong lady with a sound relationship. Keep looking up..

Thoughtful post viv that I've found helpful. Thank you.

Sorry freedom, missed you yesterday. I send you it only takes one sperm loves x

viv and seaview and rabbit thanks for your thoughts and good wishes. I am not too hopeful but trying to improve my attitude and think positive thoughts. The doctor just pointed at the stats and said - "Just 8% fast swimmers, that's your problem right there." On Friday I am going to see an alternative medicine doctor. He's come recommended from friends who've had success conceiving with him and it's taken about 8-9 months to get an appointment. I am a bit dubious but DH is coming along so if he can put his scepticism to one side then so can I.

big hugs lemon I hope you feel better soon. wow euro I hope this is you nearing the end of your TTC epic journey and starting on having kids one. Fingers crossed for you, tell us all about it.

to be clear - my friends conceived with their partners - not the doctor. He just helped with herbs and secret potions and suchlike.

Interesting post viv. I am not sure the advice applies to all, in every situation. I think one of the things I learned in counselling is that I am so busy doing the stuff I need to day-to-day and being as brave as I think I need to be, that I overlook how I feel. So for me, to accept the crying fit and work out what it is, even if it is yearning for a simpler time, is a big thing. I don't think I run the risk of negating my current life, or overlooking how rich it is. I am just learning to feel what I am feeling without judging it. The life we have, is good in so many ways. I do indeed have a wonderful husband (who went and got me fresh bread this morning before going to work, as I am now officially ill, and not too miserable anymore actually). Our relationship is good, and I treasure that, I was single for a LONG time before meeting SB and I am still grateful for him coming into my life. Moreover, I have a loving family and particularly my sister's children are very close to both of us. I would not want to change the clocks back, whilst yearning for the simplicity that came with that time. In fact, going back would mean needing to grow up once again, which would really be unpleasant, as I struggled with that a lot. Friends and work also bring me a surprising amount of joy (and some money). If I look around me, which I do when I am not hitting rock bottom, I feel immensily grateful for the things I have. However, that does not remove the pit of despair that comes with TTC long-term. And what I need to learn is to look the despair in the face, feel it, let it be, and continue with life to make it smaller and more manageable. I hope that makes some sense...

freedom swimmers can vary a lot as well. SB has had boundering on mild-male-factor some of the IUIs and at the last failed one he produced a wopping 50mil of them. Fingers crossed mrFree's improve over time. And good luck with the witch-doctor!

freedom at doctor sex and secret potions. Good for you, find out what you can, who knows says the wise words of the ultimate barren of all barrens I spent much of my appointment yesterday berating my Doctor because there was a Christmas up in the IVF area, don't they know it's unlucky? Honestly I gave him such a hard time, my parting words were "I don't expect to see that when I come in on Saturday" Got my priorities right, me

Lots of loves lemon hope the fresh bread as healing powers.