TTC 10+ months thread 12

[buzzybee123]

A very friendly and supportive thread for those taking way longer than they had ever expected to make a baby.

big hugs rabbit It will be our turn this year ladies

thanks so much for the empathy and hugs rabbit and buzzy What a day yesterday, find out I need to cancel my IVF appointment, 'mid-cycle' spotting followed by actual period making worrying 18 day cycle and pg announcement at a small party at my place. She is the only around me without current bump or baby, we have known each other for a while but got close over the last 6 months or so and found out we were both TTC 'over forty'. It's the first time I have ever have a RL TTC buddy in over a decade. Her situation is so different from mine though, she had her first child at 40 and I guess it makes me feel crazy to hope for myself. Ken spoke last night about taking a year off work to try for another adoption, I was surprised as this is a new angle and a bit radical. A second adoption is always always on the cards for us but more along the lines of trying to move somewhere where we can do an in-country adoption. Bloody hell why is all this so damn complicated?

Ladies, I am really sorry to post without first reading but I really need some advice.

Mr. Viv was not able to ejaculate on Friday night - at all. We tried everything. I thought the problem was exacerbated by too much Pre-seed and an overdose of Viagra so he promised to ditch the pills the next day. Last night we tried again before going out for a meal. Again - epic fail. On our way to the Chinese restaurant he asked the taxi driver to make a detour to Tesco. There, he got another prescription for Viagra and promised me that, if he took only half a pill later, he would be able to ejaculate. Later that night I was waiting and waiting and waiting for his cue...nothing. I asked him when the tablet was going to work (it was knocking on midnight and I was getting tired and anxious). He told me it wasn't working, that he had been to the bedroom and tried to get an erection but couldn't. I went to bed in tears.

Mr. Viv came to me and said he feels 'unworthy' since his relapse and the little confidence he had has disappeared. I told him I couldn't cope with this any more. What I didn't say was that our sex life is shit and I didn't sign up for a relationship where my boyfriend can't fucking ejaculate when he needs to. I barely slept and of course this morning I feel rotten for not handling it very well but, you know what? I'm sick of pussy-footing around a man with erectile dysfunction. I haven't got time to walk on eggshells around ovulation to protect his flagging ego. It's just not fair. I am losing all respect, patience and sexual desire for my boyfriend. I am sorely tempted to fuck other men during my fertile window. I wouldn't care if he found out - at least I would have my baby.

I know you can't help me directly but..I dunno..I'm going crazy. I just got my positive OPK

Just to update you ladies, I had a little girl on the 10/01/13 Eva Halina born at 16.04. She's absolutely perfect. Hope you all get your babies soon. XxxX

doll I'm really sorry to hear about your strange cycle. I really think our bodies absorb our anxiety and does funny things.. I know pg announcements can be v hard too having endured quite a number over the last couple of years. I generally fine I'm fine with close friends good news and with those I know who have tried for quite a while. It's those that I'm not close friends with who get pregnant really easily that I find it really hard to take. They tend to be the people who tell me they have a full schedule planned out for when they will have their next one and what gender baby they want. I guess I'm just envious of their delusional sense of control.
As for adoption, as you know I'm quite new to thus thread. I'm guessing you have already adopted one DC from reding your post?? Good luck with your second. I know it can be a v emotional not to mention v difficult process. I'm godmother to a beautiful adopted little girl. Her parents endured numerous iuis and Ivfs including a couple of really tough ones with steroids etc. They adopted from overseas as it was just too difficult to do it here in the UK. I wish you lots of luck on the adoption journey. It's a really beautiful thing to be able to do. Something i would have considered before AC but for me the chances of being able to adopt is v low as in my 20s I had a v bad nervous breakdown. Even though I'm v much better and happy (and i believe mostly well adjusted) I have been advised that with that kind of medical history it would be next to impossible to pursue an adoption.

viv V Sorry to hear about your partners' problem. You sound like you are having a rough time of it. I know it's hard to consider someone else's feelings when we are down about our own fertility probs but we must remember it can v very tough for the guys too. They are under pressure as we are and that can have an affect on their performance. Sex without TTC is much more fun for everyone. TTC puts a lot of pressure on both parties. I think it's important to talk openly with your partner without attributing blame. Easier said than done I know. And v easy for me to give you armchair advice, you are the one living it. If you need to offload, use this forum or talk to someone you can confide it. TTC is hard enough in the relationship without allowing it to create additional problems. Have u and DP considered some counselling. I think it can really help sometimes to put things in perspective. Good luck and I hope you guys work it out by talking. Never do anything u might regret. Okay to think it, we all do but reality is v different.

AFM, AF finally arrived. I have never been so happy to see her! Can finally start the AC journey.

Hello to everyone else. Hope u are enjoying the snowy weekend. Stay safe on the road and walking!

Congrats becks. Remind me of your story, please?

And massive handhold, bosom squeeze and to you doll and you as well, rabbit!

Feeling a bit miz, because spotting started two days early. Insanely short cycle (21 days anyone) or perhaps three days of pre-AF spotting. Neither great. At this rate this month I had AF for the first five days, than onto pre-IUI avoidance of eachother at CD9-CD11, a little of post-IUI spotting CD11-CD13, a week off and now back to spotting from CD22. It is not FAIR.

congrats becks lovely to hear.

lemon I hear you, I hear you. As I said my spotting yesterday turned into full period on the same day, making a 18 day cycle, ridiculous. Honestly as if things aren't hard enough. I'm really sorry for the way your cycle has turned out this time.

Doll and Lemon, I am so, so sorry for your disappointments (huge understatement, I know).

Seaview, thank you for your reply. We have - rather improbably - managed to have sex with Mr. Viv ejaculating. Lots of me telling him what a wonderful man he is, coupled with an earth-juddering climax (mine - faked) seemed to do the trick. I don't normally fake orgasm but I was too anxious to get there properly and it was, I felt, wholly justified in this instance. I think silencing the demons is key for him - no amount of porn, magazines or dressing up on my part is working - as it is his mind which precludes any summoning of confidence or rationale.

Doll, would you mind quickly recounting your ttc journey?

Lemon, I really am sorry your cycle ended this way.

Gin, 50% sounds so high, doesn't it? I can understand it feels a bitter-sweet statistic, hang in there.

Buzzy, how are you feeling? Glad your wobble subsided a little, I am sure when flights etc are booked your doubts will begin to dissipate. If it weren't for mine and Mr. Viv's criminal records we would adopt in a heartbeat - in fact, we would not have embarked upon this ttc nightmare journey had we been 'good people'.

Happy belated birthday, Euro!

Wishing you and your embies the very, very best of luck, Joy x

afternoon ladies, just come back from playing in the snow

becks congrats on your little girl, its nice to have people come back and let us know how they are :)

lemon could some of it be implantation bleeding??

doll I have had a 21 day cycle and a 45 day cycle too I was told that this is not usual, if I continued to have a few funny cycles then they would look into it. I'd say nearly a third of my cycles in the last year have been duds of some sort, I don't worry about them and just hope the next one is 'normal'. I understand it is frustrating for you as you want to move onto your next IVF cycle, save the energy, you'll need it when the next cycle gives you a BFP :)
I know I have asked you in the past, but have a memory like a sieve, you didn't adopt in the UK did you?? So does this mean that you'll have to be vetted again or will just be able to adopt???

seaview what is your first step of AC then :)

viv I think seaview had some very wise words, I think you might need to have a bit of a break and decide what you really want, if it is a baby and you are not worried about who the father is then you could look into sperm donation, if you are not happy in your relationship then you need to decide if you work it out or just call it a day. I can understand the frustration of the sesh fail as Barry had that problem for a bit, I can assure you that getting upset with them only makes it worse, the more pressure they are under the more they can't do it, and then the worse they feel about it, it just becomes a vicious circle and nothing is achieved, you need to work on his confidence and not take out your frustrations on him, you need to tell him that its ok if it doesn't happen and that you'll try again later on. Has he had his testosterone level checked, we went onto artificial insemination and it works a treat and got us back on track.

Buzzy, you are right, of course, but being 41 brings with it a whole other fear. Even if I did want to let Mr. Viv go (which I don't) there simply isn't time to start over [shudders at the very thought]. I have spent the last year being exceptionally patient, kind and encouraging to my lovely fella, but I think his relapse a fortnight ago has brought to the surface resentments which I had buried along the way. This manifested itself this weekend when his ejaculatory issues were particularly severe. I know all about vicious circles and fragile egos..it's just so very difficult when age is against us, too.

Buzzy, I have just read a marvellous article in the Mail on Sunday's You magazine which highlighted the lengths women will go to to get their babies. One lady spent £30,000 (IVF, acupuncture, immunology treatment, then four failed IVF cycles with donor eggs - one at Bourn Hall Cambridge, three at Instituto Valenciano de Infertilidad Barcelona) until, finally, she went to the Reprofit Clinic in Brno, the Czech Republic for donor egg treatment (£2000)...and her twins were born in 2010! You're going to the Brno clinic, right? I thought this article would be encouraging for you to read.

Buzzy, what do you mean IUI 'worked a treat and got you back on track'? Michael hasn't had his testosterone checked but we are going to CARE Manchester for IUI soon.

viv age is just a number, remember that I wish I had £30,000 to spend on anything including IVF, new windows yes we are going to Brno and thank you for thinking of me. Barry found the pressure of actually 'doing i't a turn off but could could manage into a cup. Being able to do it built up his confidence so we can do the old fashion way, we both prefer the DIY IUI, takes the pressure off and saves time too . I did look into Care as they have a few clinics and was impressed by what I saw

Evening all,

Just popping on quickly to send lots of positive thoughts to mrsd for tomorrow. I had never had an anaesthetic before my first lap and was quite scared. The anaesthetists were great both times and you're asleep before you know it. One more lap medal is being polished up for you in anticipation

Sorry doll that things have been so stressful with a dodgy short cycle. So frustrating...... I found that it was really hard when my TTC friends in real life got pregnant. Even when my rl infertility friend adopted. I am now the only one with no kids. Adoption is definitely on the cards for us as well (hopefully as an option for number 2 but that's me trying to stay positive about ivf) but it is such a long process in the uk and I wouldn't know where to start for overseas adoptions.

I've been playing in the snow too buzzy. We went for a drive up north with friends and did a big hill walk. Not mountain climbing, but big enough for me. Trying to continue with our new healthy lifestyle that involves more than sitting around on the weekends watching telly and feeling sorry for myself.

Hooray for seaview that you're ready to get started

viv I second buzzy's advice. Regardless of age you need to make sure that both you and your partner are in the right place for all of this.

Well we have our appointment to start the ivf process - feb 4th. Have a sheaf of papers from the clinic to read and more forms to fill. Unfortunately we'll have yet another consultant for this process. I was kind of hoping that I would get one of the two that we've seen before but no such luck. If I have any endometriosis related questions though I have my surgeon's office number and he said he'd be happy to see me again in the endo clinic so will keep that in mind. I am just preparing myself for going in there and them being completely unaware that he has me on the downregging drugs already . Maybe they'll move quickly and we can get on with it before April

Sorry not to name check more i have fallen behind. Happy Sunday to everyone - especially joycep if she's lurking!

I can't log into mn on my iPad. Proper message will have to wait. But sparkly knob tail fluffs to all you lovely lot. Why didn't I get any snow!??

hey rabbit have a sparkly knob yourself. x

Thinking of you mrsden love that you get to order food in advance

viv glad to read that things are back on track a bit your side. The short answer to your question is that I started TTC more than ten years ago, unexplained with no AC until a round of IVF last November. I have the dreaded combo of getting on age-wise (40) but also very very long standing infertility. I'm the ultimate 10 plusser

sea yes I have an adopted son. I am shocked that you have been advised that your history would affect your ability to adopt. It comes up all the time as a question on the adoption board and there are plenty of people who adopt with serious mental health issues in their past.

buzzy yes overseas, it was through Ken's home country. If we were able to do it again the same way it would be a bit lighter on the assessments but they would still take place, if it was an in-country adoption it would make no difference, we would follow whatever process exists in that country.

madness friends of friends just adopted in the UK, 14 months beginning to end, child with them at 10 months. I understand it varies area to area. The same assessments would be needed for overseas and in that case it is really expensive unfortunately. Well done on the appointment

Mn still hanging - is it just me? I'm itching to catch up with people but phone too fiddly. Sorry about the spotting and short cycles doll and lemon. I had two v short cycles after my op for the first time ever, might it be the body readjusting after ac drugs perhaps? I never realised how finely tuned things are til last summer.

Oo den hope all is well. Your medal is all ready to go. euro birthday belatedness and ivf soothes.

viv sorry about the sechs issue. Keep talking together. And Iui will help with this!

sea I have a long and colourful history of mental health doolalliness that spans a decade and is quite dark in places. As I worked fecking hard to get 97.5 per cent better I'm damned if it will be held against me if we choose to adopt. I will see whatever medical person they want me to see and talk very openly and I'm hoping all will be ok. If anything, it's made me a wiser more resilient person. Though I could have done without all this shit! Who was it you spoke to? There are a lot of mixed messages out there.

IUI mark 4 done this morning. % of fast moving swimmers down again . Check up on Feb 4th to see if any sperm and egg meeting took place. Provisionary appointment to talk about IVF booked for March.

Good luck and hand holding for MrsDen today. at the menu options.
Gin thanks for asking. I'm good, think it might be starting to sink in now, MrTeu is more excited than I am. Artemis and I have been testing the water on a grads thread, Princess is there too. And some other bods I remember. Good to hear you have a go for FET, FX.
sarlat Gosh what a lot to get your head round. Can I offer a gingernut?
euro very belated birthday.
joy 2 on board, hooray. Hope all is going well.
doll sorry about the wacky cycles.
madness woohoo for getting an IVF date. How are you feeling?
buzzy loved your fun in the snow piccies.
Offering cakes etc to all because I can't eat them and they are going to go to waste Still lurking coz I want to know how you are all doing. Is Nelly still on holibags?

Thinking of you today mrsd.

General waves from miz-corner, as AF turned up overnight, making it (mistake in counting) a 22 day cycle. Someone else who had a pg-loss last year confirmed it could still be the mc causing havoc. GRRR. Emailed the clinic to see what they say.

OMG I intend to work from home today and they are drilling next door. Let's see whether it is bearable in the kitchen, otherwise I'll have to flee into the snow!

This is pathetic. I just got hit by the biggest wave of nostalgia when I ventured back in the living room.

My parents came back from holiday bringing with them a typical local cake for me, which is the source of stupid floods of tears. We used to go there with the whole family and at times like this, I really, really miss my childhood. I miss the holidays with my siblings and parents where I didn't have to worry about grown up things. I miss the simplicity of being a child. I miss just loosing myself in a book for days. I miss not having to think about stuff, not having to plan, never waking up in the night and staying awake. I miss being in a perfectly fine family unit, without the worry whether SB and I could ever built our own. I miss time wasting without feeling guilty. I miss being irresponsible. I miss my sister before she had children, even though she is the best mum and I totally dote on my nephews. I just miss the way things fell into place, without me worrying.

And the stupid thing is, in many many respects I am happier now than I was then. But jee, after worrying half the night about haywire cycles and never having children, the lure of blissful ignorance is just too strong.

Awww lemons massive massive hugs. I'm sure it was just a dud cycle. I often get one in jan I've noticed since ttc and obsessively recording things. I know exactly what you mean about the nostalgia and wanting to have your own family to be able to do what you did as a kid. My brother has been a total rock during the ivf and it makes me so sad to think that even if we manage to produce 1 child, the chance of siblings is v slim. Be nice to yourself, eat some cake and remember that you can get pregnant and will do so again.

Anyway I was just popping in quickly en route to work in the snow hell journey., to wish mrsd good luck. I hope it all goes well chuck and do let us know what they find.

Thanks gin.

I think it is less the failed cycle than the having to deal with the whole shit, I am getting quite blasé about failed cycles. The dealing however is something I don't feel I signed up for and is a bit much at days like these. It is the sadness tinging the wonderful snow-filled childhood memories, which either will lift because we start building our own with our children (or our nephews, I did sledge with small people in the park over the weekend), or it will fade, once we know we won't be blessed with our own children and we start building a different future. It is just sometimes I feel cheated. I loved my life as a child, I've always found growing up a challenge. Then I found jobs I loved, a flat I love and above all a man I love and things fell into place. But then we started this TTC malarky and it just is a whole new level of challenging steps... I am trying to see what is causing the tears (and letting them be) which is one of the things I learned in counselling and it is helping I think.

Also, I got a bad head cold and I might be reacting more extreme because I feel physically crap. Thinking about rain checking on my course tonight, it is a commute away through the snow. Not particularly attractive...