Me, Dh and our quest for a baby.....Sorry very long [sad]

[pussycatmomma]

Sorry if this post seems really confused, I think I am just overtired and need to get things a little straighter in my mind. I didnt want to post on my ususal thread.......not sure it seemed to fit anywhere. Maybe i just need to get things off my chest to nobody in particular and that might make me feel a little more together.
I am 30yrs and dh is 34. Since dec 05 we have been ttc our first child. Since we got married in Aug 04, I have been craving a child. My dh was unsure for ages and wanted to wait. Although I found this very difficult, there was no way that I would have wanted him to have a baby just for me, or to have put himself in a situation he wasnt comfortable in. So, we set outselves the target of waiting a year (which took us to aug 05). In Aug 05, when said year was up, he said he was not ready and wanted to wait until Christmas. Obviously my inner clock has been ticking a while by this point, but again, as I value my dh, his feelings etc, I overcome my own longing to say "fine, we will wait until you are ready". Deep down, In my heart, i know that i would only want this if he was 100% supportive, and really wanted it as much as me. Anyway, time ticks along, with us both aiming for Christmas 05.
Christmas 05 comes, and dh seems happy to want to start trying for a family. We have lots of sex, hopefully at the right times, but nothing happens. Meanwhile, My sister is going through IVF and for the past year has been undergoing treatment & various ops. My two best friends are currently both pregnant, one with her first, and announced it in Novemeber, the other with her second, whose news came in February.

If you're still reading, thanks for sticking this far..........
January comes and goes without a bfp.
February comes and goes without a bfp.
My sister has another failed IVF.
Dh this month has become really odd about bd, when i think it is the right time, he "doesnt quite feel like", "is busy" or "doesnt want to make love just now"..........
I bought a persona machine last month, and have started using it this month. I got the egg sign, meaning iminent ovulation, and we do it a couple of times before the egg sign, but then when i tell dh the egg sign is there, and i may be ovulating, the next time i want to bd, he doesnt want to again.

For the first time ever i am starting to doubt whether he actually wants me to get pregnant. I try to ask him about this, but of course, i get upset, and then he gets defensive and we get no-where. I think he may be afraid of the responsibility which being a parent will bring.
We both have decent stable jobs. I adore him, he adores me. We have no problems with each other, but i feel like ttc is starting to create problems all of its own. I take everything on board and feel too responsible for things not happening.
He insists I am becoming too obsessive about wanting a child, but i have wanted it for so long now, that it is very difficult not to think about it so much.

Our sex has virtually been overtook by my thoughts of being able to concieve. He will often say jokingly, but mean it, that he is just a "sperm doner" to me. Rubbish of course, but i think it shows how he might be feeling underneath.
I dont know what else to do to reassure him, and I dont know how to deal with these feelings of wanting a child or how to squash them down in order to be able to get on with my life, if it doesnt happen.
Sweet Jesus..................!!!!!!!! Sorry, but like i said maybe i just needed to get if off my chest.
Any thoughts// opinions or analysis greatly recieved.
x x x x x xx x

I'd have to agree with your husband. You've only been trying for three months and it's already ruining your sex life?! Believe me, that's not a long time. You're only 30!

You haven't even been married but a year and a half.

Sorry, but I think you need to relax a little.

He's probably just worried that your longing for a child is far greater than your longing for him. Men can be very childish and like to be the centre of our world, maybe he just feels like he will always be second place and this is worrying him.

Not sure if I am right but by what you have said this is what i would think.

Am sure somebody else will give you some great advice though.

Have not had problems with getting pregnant so can't advise on that I'm afraid.

Sweetie, I know 30 is a big one, but you've probably got years and years and years of fertility ahead of you. Don't panic about time ticking away!

tell me about it expat!! i know, i realise this, but i cant seem to help it. My head is just so full up of it all, now seeming worse by the fact that the people very close to me are going through what they are going through.
I dont mean to sound flippant, describing my feelings in my post, and i know of the traumas people have to go through (sis has had ectopic, and miscarriage prev). But it doesnt stop me feeling the way i do....

Oh pussycat I don't really know what to say. but I do sort of understand about the Dh's and the worry of responsiblity thing as I have thought this about mine. I think they think about it all but differently to women(IYSWIM)such as money and how it will affect their lives. Mine really hates it if I talk about it all, especially as we near bedtime . Saying to mine oh maybe we will make a baby etc really turns him off and more often or not it turns into a minor snipeing at each other row. I am around for a bit if you want to chat

agree with expat this is way too early to be getting this stressed about having a baby you have only been going 3 months... and if you are getting this uptight about it, I guess your DH is beginning to feel pressurised and we all know that makes people head off in different directions... why not relax into married life, enjoy sex for what it is and try to take the focus of conception get back to making love to your DH and not BDing.... take the stress out make it fun and maybe he will relax more and get back on the idea of the baby...

thankyou motherinf.......
like you have said, i prob might have yrs left, but it all seems so close to home at the moment.
And you never really get to hear about the "good/quick" conception stories do you? only the distressing, long , drawn out traumas of infertility and ivf, of missed chances and babes that were never meant to be.

Maybe your intense desire for a child (which I really understand - been there) is scaring your dh. He may be enjoying having you to himself and fear losing you to a small baby with whom he can't compete. If this is the case, you could certainly help reassure him by ensuring you keep your baby-making efforts in balance with your enjoyment of your life together now (and yes, your sex life too).

Or there could be something more profound going on for him. Who knows. All you can do is ask him in as calm and unpressurising way as possible. And then maybe consider your options (couple counselling?) if he says what you don't want to hear.

I can see how painful this is for you. Very best of luck.

pussycatmomma - I think that some men (well, our dh's anyway?!) find it a turn-off to be jumped on only before ov and then not again until after next af. I definitely became obsessive when ttc no. 3 last autumn - taking temp, plotting (irregular) cycle, bd'ing like mad for around 10 days around poss ov. It started to get me down after 3 months with no result (no's 1 & 2 were conceived really quickly) so I put the thermometer back in the bathroom - and bam, bfp. I know it's a massive cliche, but you have to relax into your new (baby-making) relationship with your dh.

And I know that there are a million 'sure-fire baby making tips', but the one I like is bd every other day - that way, you're sure to bd around the right time, and dh hasn't got a clue when it might be the right time, so he thinks you just love him, and that's the best way to remember making your baby!

Good luck

I've got a quick conception story if you want one - got up the duff at 36, not particularly intentionally. It does happen!

peachy, hi hun. Yes, we do seem to be different species at times dont we? For all the thoughts on "just relaxing" etc, i KNOW this to be true, but how do you suddenly take the baby yearning and "turn it off"????? It isnt like its a passing fad, something ive just considered because a girl in the office is pregnant, or ive just bought an Ann Geddes calender for gods sake.........i really wish i just didnt have it all in my head. I really do try not to mention it to dh much anymore, but the thing is, I want him to want it as much as me iyswim....Him being all relaxed and "if it happens if happens" - fine in theory but difficult in practice.

I know i must sound so naive and young to all you experienced ladies out there......to all you mums etc. But surely other people have felt this way before? please tell me it isnt just me?

i know how you feel, it is one thing to know there are people worse off but its another to think that that means you shouldnt get worked up.

i will tell you something quick.

me and dp are both young (im 19 hes 20) we have been trying for 6 months and i olny got my BFP this month. sometimes things take a while in that respect and its just worth waiting out for.

as for dh, dont pressure him into bding just at the right time, they feel like they'r being used just for sex (which you would think they'd like) try and bd every other day (or so) throughout your cycle (if you can both manage it) and he wont feel like you only want him to make a baby!

make it romantic, try something new, relax and enjoy!!! there will be no midday/midnight romps when you have a baby you'll be too busy/tired!

i hope this helps, i do know its hard especially when other people close to you seem to have no problem (or lots of problems which causes you to worry more!)!!!

{{{{{hug}}}}}}

It isn't just you.
I'm really trying to fight not thinking about it all the time. I know Dh doesn't want to hear about it, don't really want to discuss it with friends. It's worse also at certain times of the month but at th end fo the day we have our lives to get on with These women have said some realy wise and positive things Pussycat especially jamiesam - although where anyone can get the energy to have sex every other night is beyond me!

oh this sounds so familiar!
When trying to concieve ds1 I was like a mad thing.We tried for ...ohhh-must be knocking on two years before i fell pregnant, and i felt like i was going loopy.I was crying all the time and making dh come home at lunch time to have sex because i was ovulating etc.It was really hard.
I think once you have decided that you are ready for a child then you want it now!
But honestly , it's early days.If you want to keep using the ovulation sticks, just have it as your little secret! don't say to him, 'we've got to have sex i'm ovulating', just try and keep it about making love.iyswim.you need to relax.

when i did get pregnant-it was like all my birthdays and christmases coming at once!

hi stace, tbh, i think my sisters ivf has alot to do with the way i feel. For so long, while we were waiting to start, before dh was ready, we were constantly saying to each other, "lets wait until X is pregnant, it would be awful for her if we just started trying and it happened straight away" . i didnt want to feel guilty etc or cause her more pain. Thing is , shes about to embark on her 3rd try, and over the past 18 months or so, i really do feel like i cant put my life on hold for her any longer. I feel guilty in case i get prg and it comes relaively easy to me after all she is going through. But its not even easy for me (i KNOW we havent been trying long, but the feelings are still there.......)and i still feel guilty. I just keep on imagining how much pain she has been through to get as far as she has, and i feel like some sort of imposter. What right have i to feel bad when we have only just started ttc??? What right have i to get prgt when she has been through so much?? Sorry to sound garbled, just feel jumbled up about it all..........

and how do you think she would feel if she knew you were putting your life on hold for her?

it isnt garbled at all (sp?)! you have the feelings your body is telling you to have, you feel empathy for you sis but you still have your life to lead and your feelings to feel. have you told her your ttc and how you'd feel about it if you fell pg before she did? it might be easier to get that out in the open so it wont be a shock to her which would prob be worse.

we have discussed it, yes. But she has been through such a rollercoaster recently, i certainly havent harped on about it. Something came up in the family last year, and we spoke briefly that dh and i would begin ttc in jan this year. I have tried to broach the subject since then with regards to our own trying, but the conv doesnt really go anywhere, tbh, i think she doesnt want to "go there" with me. I know she has alot of support from a fertility network, and i sometimes think she thinks that i dont fall into her camp as it were. But i feel like i dont fit in with anyone else atm, 2 bfriends both prg, sis having major probs and perhaps feel that her feelings dont apply to me and vice versa.

But I thought that you were putting ttc on hold because your dh didn't feel ready. Having a baby can totally change a relationship, so you are wise to wait for both of you to be ready.

Out of interest, what is it that you desire? Is it a "baby" (they don't stay that way for long), or being pg, or being a mother? What's in your dream that is so strong?

thats right, we were waiting because dh wasnt ready, but something that came up often in discussion was that he didnt think it was right that we have a baby before my sis. He maybe rightly assumes we have everything going for us in terms of babymaking, and wanted her to have first bite of the cherry as it were. At the time, this seemed reasonable, it is only since we have been trying that i have become so obsessive about it. For ages, i thought it would be wonderful to allow her to become pregnant first as they had been through so much. Somehow doesnt seem right to just say "oh right, we;ve decided" and steal her thunder as it were.
As for your question, i think it is children or becoming a family which i value so much. Not really the prg thing, or the baby times so much either. I have twin niece and nephew whom i am close to and spend alot of time with.......i dont know how to describe it really, its not the prgcy, the baby or the child, it is the whole package. The being a mum and a dad i suppose.

you need to sit her down and explain, as a sis she will understand but you do need to be blunt, she needs to know how you feel not just that you are trying, you need to explain you really dotn want to hurt her or make her feel out of place but now is your time to do this and you want her invlolved as much as pos (to be able to talk to and not walk on eggshells) say you understand if she cant as she is in a hard possition but she is your sis and you want her to be there for you the same as you want to be there for her in this.

i can honestly say i bet you are both having similar if not the same feelings and need to share them, it may make it easier!

well she is having a FET (frozen embryo transfer) tomorrw. I am hopin with all my heart it is successful, and she is prgt by the end of the month. She not only truly deseves it, bt it would make things a hell of a lot easier on my consience also.

pussycatmomma, im leaving now to spend some much needed time with dp now hes off the xbox, i really hope you can get this pain off your chest and out in the open, people may say its unwarranted but pain is pain, it is not irrational.

i will check in and see how you're doing, just remember there is hope, for all of us!!!

thankyou stacy, and huge congrats on your very own bfp x xx x

thank you, remember your one will be along soon, just you wait and see!!!