Sorry if this post seems really confused, I think I am just overtired and need to get things a little straighter in my mind. I didnt want to post on my ususal thread.......not sure it seemed to fit anywhere. Maybe i just need to get things off my chest to nobody in particular and that might make me feel a little more together.
I am 30yrs and dh is 34. Since dec 05 we have been ttc our first child. Since we got married in Aug 04, I have been craving a child. My dh was unsure for ages and wanted to wait. Although I found this very difficult, there was no way that I would have wanted him to have a baby just for me, or to have put himself in a situation he wasnt comfortable in. So, we set outselves the target of waiting a year (which took us to aug 05). In Aug 05, when said year was up, he said he was not ready and wanted to wait until Christmas. Obviously my inner clock has been ticking a while by this point, but again, as I value my dh, his feelings etc, I overcome my own longing to say "fine, we will wait until you are ready". Deep down, In my heart, i know that i would only want this if he was 100% supportive, and really wanted it as much as me. Anyway, time ticks along, with us both aiming for Christmas 05.
Christmas 05 comes, and dh seems happy to want to start trying for a family. We have lots of sex, hopefully at the right times, but nothing happens. Meanwhile, My sister is going through IVF and for the past year has been undergoing treatment & various ops. My two best friends are currently both pregnant, one with her first, and announced it in Novemeber, the other with her second, whose news came in February.
If you're still reading, thanks for sticking this far..........
January comes and goes without a bfp.
February comes and goes without a bfp.
My sister has another failed IVF.
Dh this month has become really odd about bd, when i think it is the right time, he "doesnt quite feel like", "is busy" or "doesnt want to make love just now"..........
I bought a persona machine last month, and have started using it this month. I got the egg sign, meaning iminent ovulation, and we do it a couple of times before the egg sign, but then when i tell dh the egg sign is there, and i may be ovulating, the next time i want to bd, he doesnt want to again.
For the first time ever i am starting to doubt whether he actually wants me to get pregnant. I try to ask him about this, but of course, i get upset, and then he gets defensive and we get no-where. I think he may be afraid of the responsibility which being a parent will bring.
We both have decent stable jobs. I adore him, he adores me. We have no problems with each other, but i feel like ttc is starting to create problems all of its own. I take everything on board and feel too responsible for things not happening.
He insists I am becoming too obsessive about wanting a child, but i have wanted it for so long now, that it is very difficult not to think about it so much.
Our sex has virtually been overtook by my thoughts of being able to concieve. He will often say jokingly, but mean it, that he is just a "sperm doner" to me. Rubbish of course, but i think it shows how he might be feeling underneath.
I dont know what else to do to reassure him, and I dont know how to deal with these feelings of wanting a child or how to squash them down in order to be able to get on with my life, if it doesnt happen.
Sweet Jesus..................!!!!!!!! Sorry, but like i said maybe i just needed to get if off my chest.
Any thoughts// opinions or analysis greatly recieved.
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