Me, Dh and our quest for a baby.....Sorry very long [sad]

[pussycatmomma]

Sorry if this post seems really confused, I think I am just overtired and need to get things a little straighter in my mind. I didnt want to post on my ususal thread.......not sure it seemed to fit anywhere. Maybe i just need to get things off my chest to nobody in particular and that might make me feel a little more together.
I am 30yrs and dh is 34. Since dec 05 we have been ttc our first child. Since we got married in Aug 04, I have been craving a child. My dh was unsure for ages and wanted to wait. Although I found this very difficult, there was no way that I would have wanted him to have a baby just for me, or to have put himself in a situation he wasnt comfortable in. So, we set outselves the target of waiting a year (which took us to aug 05). In Aug 05, when said year was up, he said he was not ready and wanted to wait until Christmas. Obviously my inner clock has been ticking a while by this point, but again, as I value my dh, his feelings etc, I overcome my own longing to say "fine, we will wait until you are ready". Deep down, In my heart, i know that i would only want this if he was 100% supportive, and really wanted it as much as me. Anyway, time ticks along, with us both aiming for Christmas 05.
Christmas 05 comes, and dh seems happy to want to start trying for a family. We have lots of sex, hopefully at the right times, but nothing happens. Meanwhile, My sister is going through IVF and for the past year has been undergoing treatment & various ops. My two best friends are currently both pregnant, one with her first, and announced it in Novemeber, the other with her second, whose news came in February.

If you're still reading, thanks for sticking this far..........
January comes and goes without a bfp.
February comes and goes without a bfp.
My sister has another failed IVF.
Dh this month has become really odd about bd, when i think it is the right time, he "doesnt quite feel like", "is busy" or "doesnt want to make love just now"..........
I bought a persona machine last month, and have started using it this month. I got the egg sign, meaning iminent ovulation, and we do it a couple of times before the egg sign, but then when i tell dh the egg sign is there, and i may be ovulating, the next time i want to bd, he doesnt want to again.

For the first time ever i am starting to doubt whether he actually wants me to get pregnant. I try to ask him about this, but of course, i get upset, and then he gets defensive and we get no-where. I think he may be afraid of the responsibility which being a parent will bring.
We both have decent stable jobs. I adore him, he adores me. We have no problems with each other, but i feel like ttc is starting to create problems all of its own. I take everything on board and feel too responsible for things not happening.
He insists I am becoming too obsessive about wanting a child, but i have wanted it for so long now, that it is very difficult not to think about it so much.

Our sex has virtually been overtook by my thoughts of being able to concieve. He will often say jokingly, but mean it, that he is just a "sperm doner" to me. Rubbish of course, but i think it shows how he might be feeling underneath.
I dont know what else to do to reassure him, and I dont know how to deal with these feelings of wanting a child or how to squash them down in order to be able to get on with my life, if it doesnt happen.
Sweet Jesus..................!!!!!!!! Sorry, but like i said maybe i just needed to get if off my chest.
Any thoughts// opinions or analysis greatly recieved.
x x x x x xx x

Well the relationship with your sister is one thing, but I wouldn't dwell on it at present. It is most likely that both of you will fall pregnant in the next year or two, and that when you look back there won't be an issue of who got there first. It sounds more as if your sister's ttc has been a useful excuse for you to justify postponing ttc yourselves, but in fact your dh probably still wouldn't have been ready anyway.

Given that your dream is about the big package and a relationship that will span years, why do you think that you feel that you need to get pg immediately? The childfree time that you have now will not return for many years.

What are your dh's views on becoming a dad?

I would actually caution using your sis as an outlet for venting your own ttc frustrations at this stage, especialy if she is undergoing treatment (and is therefore taking additional hormones etc). I know that your pain is very real, but the long slog of infertility and IVF/FET is a journey, and you are at very different points.

Pussycat (((hugs))).

A lot of good advice given here already. I know that feeling of wanting a baby, and when you want one you want it “now”. When I started TTC for DS I took the opposite approach. I said to myself that it might take up to a year, however, in my heart of hearts I thought that I would fall pg straight away, I’d known so many other people who had fallen pg the first month so why wouldn’t I be one of them. I refused to do temp charting or buy ovulation sticks or any of that because I didn’t want to be obsessive about having a baby. The first three months were fine, after all, it was going to take time, but as time passed, and time passed, the urge to be pregnant became stronger, and the feeling that it might not happen became stronger as well. After 6 months I was very frustrated. Can’t remember ever jumping my dh during that time though, I think we always “made love”, but I remember crying, remember thinking that DH might leave me if I couldn’t give him a child, even though he reassured me countless times that that would never happen. And at 6 months we decided that maybe it wasn’t going to happen after all and we booked a three week holiday to Australia. Byt the time we went we’d been ttc for 9 months. In my heart I thought that the holiday might make for a relaxing time and we might conceive there, we didn’t. Christmas came and still no bfp. TBH I wasn’t nearly as obsessive about testing back then as I am this time but that’s a discussion for another topic. The new year came and I finally decided I’d had enough. We decided that as we had been trying for a year, it was unlikely we were going to fall pregnant naturally. I didn’t want any assisted conception, I’m all in favour of others doing things like that but they weren’t for me, so we decided to have tests to establish why we weren’t conceiving, and once we had the results, we would tell the family that there weren’t going to be any grandchildren. That month I didn’t think about anything, never even thought about babies, and … voila, I was pregnant. This time we’ve been trying for 10 months, and I’ve almost got to that point again, but this time I have my DS. I think I’m almost worse this time because I know how long it took me last time so I know that it could still happen, and yet it isn’t happening. I just still hold on to the thought that I got the DS I was meant to have because that was when I was due to have him. Any other time, it wouldn’t have been the same baby.

You can’t think about your sister in all this. I know that sounds selfish, but what will you do if she’s unable to conceive? Give up your chances of having a baby because you don’t want to hurt her? That’s not a realistic prospect. I think that although your DH has used your sister as a reason not to start trying, imo he’s not done that maliciously, but more because it’s an easier reason to hear than that he’s just not ready to have a baby, because it’s hard to hear that the person you want to have a baby with, doesn’t want the same thing at that moment. I realize that you want him to want it as much as you do, but reality is that that’s unlikely to happen. Not because he doesn’t want it, but because he’s a man, and for men the biological urge just isn’t the same. You should have a very frank discussion and ask him to be honest with you, even if he knows it may hurt. If he doesn’t want a baby at this point in time, then you need to deal with that, because if he’s not ready to have a baby with you, then this is the wrong time to be trying for one. If he does want a baby but just doesn’t want to be caught up in a ttc obsession, then try to tone it down a bit, make love when you feel like it, not when the persona machine says you should, chances are that if you have a loving relationship, you will make love at a point close to ovulation anyway, and he will know you’re with him because you want to show how much you love him, not because there’s an egg sign on the persona machine and he’s under pressure to perform. Remember that a baby is the result of the love you feel for each other J.

I have to shoot now but feel free to email me if you want to talk, it will work out – you’ll see J>

(((hugs))) xxx

I would also suggest you make love when you both feel like it and throw the persona machine away!.
Although their advertising is persuasive you really do not need to use it and also such results can be misleading.

Your sister's situation is very different from your own.

Your story serves as a warning also to what rigorous timing of intercourse can do to a couple with regards to their relationship. You need to take the pressure off both of you so sex becomes enjoyable again for both of you. Making love two or three times a week throughout the cycle is fine. Don't time sex!!. You don't need to do this.

pussycatmomma, how are you today.

i think some people may have taken my posts a bit wrongly, i didnt mean for you to vent all your ttc frustration on your sister, but she does need to understand you have similar feelings as she for a baby but you dont want to hurt her by becoming pg first, but now is your time, iyswim.

i hope you arefeeling a bit better!

I was exactly the same as you, I wasn convinced it was going to take ages, that dh wasn't really bothered, and every time he was too tired etc I took personal offence at it and got so cross!! However despite me not relaxing and driving dh mad it took 3 months the first time and 2 months the 2nd. We tried to 'do it' every three days for 2 weeks around day14+. Really hope it happens for you soon xxx

I agree w/Meerkats 100%.

Pussycatmomma - took years for me and dh to conceive. I had friends who said "How long??? Must start trying now!" and promptly got pregnant. People who started trying after us now have children in Nursery! (DD 20 weeks old) Your sis may feel bad about it for herself, but i am sure she would be pleased for you when you get pregnant.
Please do not stress out about it all - it will take over your life if you let it and that is not good for either of you.

PS Mental poll of my best friends reveals all conceived within a year. Only reason you don't hear about such things is because people like me put a bit of a downer on success stories
PPS What is bfp?

bfp = big fat positive

hi everyone who has posted on this thread. First of all Thankyou for all your honest opinions. I just wanted to respond to some of the points mentioned.
Me and dh have a completely honest, very trusting relationship with each other, and everything i have ever posted on mnet he is aware of, in terms of knowing how i feel about things. I also do believe him regarding his feelings about ttc, Yes, he does want a family, children etc and all that "the package" as someone called it entails. What he is not so urgent about is the timing! Thanks wannabe you have made a good point re. he will probably never have the same physical or emotinal urge to have a child/be pregant, because he is a man. Dont get me wrong, im not saying there are men out there who are greatly looking forward to having a baby, but the hormone thing is never gonna be there, they are never going to have the same "gut feelings" purely down to the chemicals in their brains
I have re-read my original post, and am not quite sure how i came across....thats the thing with me, i just type out my feelings! But from some remarks it sounds as if i am desparate to have a child at the cost of my relationship with dh or even regardless of it. This is so not the case!!! I do appreciate our time together without children, and I do know that the journey we are on together in our lives will hopefully unfold over many many years together. I am also aware enough to realise this may or may not include a family at some point.

We have had many conversations regarding children, and while Yes, my dh is a sensitive sort of guy and is thoughtful of the feelings of my sister, he is strong enough and stubborn enough to definatly tell me how he feels, and i believe him to be honest with me at all times. So while being sensitive to the feelings of my sis, i know that in the past he simply wanted to wait because he wasnt ready. Always in our plans and chats he has said he definately wants children (he has 4 sisters, they all have children), he just didnt want them YET. The "yet" has been something i have waited to happen for so long iyswim, that when he said that he was actually ready, that he wanted to start trying, that he was sure.....well by that time, i had been wanting a family for around 18mths. So you can imagine, when December came, i was straight down to business immediately! in my mind i wanted to lose no time at all.

Of course, to him it has probably come all at once, to me it has been a slow build up in my mind for ages, the "idea" of it all simmering away, the background of my life.
Hope i am making a bit more sense.
As for my sister, yes we are on very very different paths. It is so very difficult watching someone you love so much going through trauma and being unable to help. But both my dh and i have come to the decision that the time is right for us. Hopefully she will become pregnant herself very very soon, but if not, i hope that she could take comfort in having a niece or nephew, and that our family ties would become even stronger with a new addition.
Thankyou so much for everyone who has responded.... x x x

Havent read all the posts but IMHO

1 Relax and dont freak out
2 Work out your dates for ovulation but dont tell DH
3 Seduce him without telling him you are trying to get pregnant. He must feel under a tremendous amount of pressure to 'perform' just because you are ovulating.
4 Put him on zinc as it creates healthy sperm and make sure you are on folic acid.
5 the more you relax and just enjoy sex then the more likely it is that you will fall pregnant.

HTH

thanks collision, that is what i am aiming for honestly! im just getting it all a bit ravelled up in my head at the mo.
thanks for your advice

hope you are feeling better today pussycatmomma, you dont seem as emotionally high strung today, a bit of a clearer head i suppose!

{{{hug}}}

Hi pussycatmomma,

You shouldn't feel bad about feeling overcome by broodyness. I genuinely think its something women can't control. I think you are feeling desperately broody and your husband is feeling like the pressures on and sex has become about baby-making not loving!

It's an instinctive, natural feeling and I think the best way you can deal with it is just to take solice in the fact that you and your husband are trying. Perfectly healthy couples can take a year to get pregnant. Infact, you only have a 25% chance of getting pregnant if you do it on your most fertile days so dont feel disheartend.

Why dont you wipe the slate clean and have a positive perspective? Have a chat to your husband and maybe say your sorry if he's felt pressured etc etc and from now on you would like to just take it slowly and naturally - say as before except no contraception and lets see what happens - enjoying your time as just the two of you and looking forward to the magical mystery ride of parenthood ahead.

There's no need to tell him about ovulation charts & kits, he's said he want to have a bay with you and thats that. you can just instigate it.

good Luck and try to stay positive! x x x x

Sorry for long message too!

Best of luck pussycat,

I must say I read your post and related much to this at times. Its great that you and your dh have such an open and honest relationship and you have decided to get pg. I agree the urge to have a child can often get so consuming we end up getting upset, confused and partners can sometimes get fed up too with the wait, pressure or other related pg issues. As someone has already said, try and relax a little, maybe plan a weekend away around day 14 and enjoy being together then all being well nature will take its course. I like the idea of regular bd'g wk before and after ov time (DH doesn't need to be told all ins and outs so can relieve his pressure there) so there's no sense of urgent "have to do it now" need (which I went through).

With regard to your sister I hope her ivf treatment works for her. When you are pg I am sure she will be happy for you, she may at first feel a little sad if she hasn't got pg before but am sure she will come round.

Take it easy and enjoy each other. Hope to hear of some news in the future.

I'm sure I'm going to come under fire for this but I'll tell you my story anyway-

Dp and I had discussed children and both wanted them 'in the future' - but deep down I knew that there would never be a 'right' time, we would never have 'enough' money etc etc. I also absolutely knew as soon as I was pregnant the time would be right and he would be ecstatic...

(Put down the flamethrowers I am aware it would be dangerous gamble if I wasn't 100000% sure that was the case.)

Anyway I was healthy 24 and he 33...but I didn't get my BFP for a year after stopping the pill.

It was a year of hell getting af every month and not sharing my sadness... but (this is the relevant bit!) because we weren't actively discussing ttc constantly there was never an opportunity for him to feel like a sperm donor or get fed up(although I'm sure more astute men would have worked out that I was all over him like a rash around every four weeks!!)

Anyway in some respects I suffered alone, but looking back on it, now we have our perfect dd (who btw was apple of his eye the moment of the BFP!) I wouldn't change a thing.

Obviously I wouldn't recommend anyone getting pg behind their partners back ordinarily - but for us it was the perfect ttc (and I'm actually doing it again for #2 now...)

Bascically what I'm saying is I think we women have a drive for children that is inexplicable to men - and in that drive we feel more in control when we are testing ovulation etc etc. Men don't get it and they feel under pressure to perform.

Therefore I think the best way is to tell your DH you are going to relax and let nature take its course, to do what you have to do with a bit of surreptitious ov testing or whatever (highly recommend Isis scope its quick and easy) then plan a nice meal or something when the deed needs doing...he need never know, you will feel as if you are doing what you can in ttc and, if you're anything like me, although 3 mths feels like a lifetime (believe me a year felt like 10 lifetimes!) you will conceive your precious baby soon :-)

Good luck and babydust ***

Hi pussycat hun, wishing your sis all the best for the 29th. Also you too, I think TTC2Girl method for you would be ideal as long as you could cope on your 'own' every month if it didn't work.

Hope you have success soon, thinking of you xx

pussycat
I am going through this now ttc my 3rd child.
It still happens even when you've got children already.
I'm having to step back as dp is getting stressed at early preg tests, am I aren't I discussions and any mention of ov dates and expected af dates.
We have been trying 3 yrs for no 3.
I have bought an isis, on the quiet and intend to temp as well. He may be prepared to leave it to chance but I'm 35 and NEED another child.
I've even shelved our wedding for a year while we try.
He is supportive but wants it to happen naturally, well after 3 yrs I'm not quite so relaxed.
I am going to do all this without sharing it with him and hope for the best.
IF you acting relaxed, relaxes your dh then do it, keep it in your head, ov dates and egg stuff and just keep him out of the information loop...
Good luck you have just started and are young, your time will come :)

I am with collisin. Even if you have to know the time yu are ovulting, dont tel ldh, and seduce him at thsoes times and at others. so he can have you for fun not just to conceive.

Good Luck

Pussycat i really feel that I had to post to you,as I am in a very similar situation this is my story to tell you,you are not alone others are here to support you,and explain maybe why your dh feels the way he does.
I came off the pill Nov 2003 so we could start trying for a baby,( had been on it for ten years) I was taken ill and cutting a long story short was in hospital for 4 mths with lots of tests etc (nothing to do with fertility it was my appendics in the end but they couldnt find out what was wrong with me for ages)March 04 i went back to work,and had the all clear from the hospital to try for a baby so we did i didnt obsess at first just thought it would happen soon as you expect it too,you never think it could take you ages,when you first start trying,so we went through the motions fun times, 14 day count down,legs in the air after the deed.Nothing was happening someone got pg at work didnt feel too bad,it will happen for us soon enough i told myself.Nov 2005 was using everything I possibly could fertlity charts,basel thermometers old wives tricks anything,the lady at work had her baby,3 more pg now,started to get a little upset had to distance myself from these people,which i know wasnt right but it wasnt something i could control.Oh and I forgot to add in that time my 2 bf both announced they were pg whilst i was ill in hospital,one not even trying the other one tried for 6 mths.Both babies are nearly 2 they were born within 2 days of each other.So only me left,so christmas came and went no bfp for us,then on new yrs eve i was a 2 days late did a test, v v faint pos later that afternoon started to bleed,went to see the gp explained that bcos test was so faint either v early pg or a chemical pg.Did another test 2 days later bfn i was devastated, as when i got the bfp i had a sense of great joy but also relief thst we could stop trying, i was so down my dh insisted i go to the drs,she wanted to give me antidepressants no way!! i am naturally a very strong person and work in the medical industry so know what these things do,so i refused she then said she would send me for blood tests to check all hormone levels and thyroid.

In the meantime my dh, i felt sometimes was very unsupportive at times,he wasnt as upset as me at the fact it wasnt happening, and his well known phrase was it will happen when it happens,he wasnt always in the mood at that time and sometimes refused me,which we would then have huge rows about and not speak for days,my bloods came back eveything fine,dh was to go for sperm tests so i told him to ring about booking a sperm test 2 mths i badgered him for as he kept putting it off,then one day he rang at work and told me was going on such and such a date,i dont know what made me do it and its not something i would ever normally do - I checked up on him,i rang and he hadnt even booked in! So i booked him in and everything came back ok. We had a huge row when i got home and didnt speak for ages, in fact i think it was about 2 weeks, i slept in the spare room accused him of not wanting a baby with me,which knocked my confidence alot and made me think he didnt want me.
It took him weeks to tell me he was scared, that its him with the problem and if it was i would leave him,this knocked down alot of walls between us and after many heart to hearts we agreed we would put our heart and souls in to ttc.May 2005 late again did an early test guess what bfp next day gone again went to gp she then said she would book me in for a hypersterosalpinogram which is a procedure where they flush your tubes out,it also increases your chances of getting pg for 3 mths after,so that 3 mths i was happy sure we would catch and everything would be ok, so i relaxed and we bd away,nothing happened.August 2005 i started using persona to check i was getting the egg sign, i did on my first mth of using it so i thought its got to happen this mth,i have pinpointed the right time down to a t!Nothing happened by this time, i was in floods of tears every time i saw a baby would even avoid going out on a sat shopping, as didnt want to be surrounded by families,floods of tears and inconsoleable everytime af arrived,it was even affecting my relationship with my mum,and i felt no one was supporting me and i was alone,dh is a lot better and i know he wants it as much as me,i became very withdrawn at home 2 more girls at work pg it was every where i bloody went.I realised i needed to give myself a break before i cracked up,so I did i felt alot better and happier than i had in mths, for having a break and had a huge promotion at work which is excellent for when our baby does come along.March 2006 i have now decided i feel strong enough to ttc and have taken the bull by the horns so to speak by having reflexogy and going to see a chinese herbalist today,not going to chart but am going to use persona again and have told myself it will happen it will happen, time and time again,ive just got to relax and not obsess about it.
I wanted to share my story with you to tell you I feel the pain you do, i always say i wish there was a button in my head that would turn this want and need and hurt off,and also to explain that maybe your dh feels like mine did.Be positive it will happen it will happen for both us, if you want a ttc buddy im here
sending you huge hugs (((((((hugs and support))))))

I too am in my 30s 34 in july dh 34 in Oct,and i sometimes feel guilty that i have missed my chance in order to focus on my career,and secure a better future for our children.

i am so sorry for such a long post i too got carried away lol :)

hi debsy, i have only just seen your message, thankyou for your post. i am so sorry for all your heartache up until now, i hope the future brings you joy and i sincerely wish you well
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
i have been a little bit all over the place since i last posted, i have been having alot of heavy bleeding this month, i cant work it out. i had my period and then stopped bleeding on about day 6 which is quite normal for me. got the egg sign on my persona on day 10 & 11 during which time i was still getting some heavy spotting. But then it began to get worse and worse and i have decided that i must have started a period straight afterwards, as the bleeding is heavy now. But it is still here, and im on day 20!!! have made appt at drs but dont think there is anything to say or do.
These little things become so important dont they, every little twinge or whatever becomes so significant.

Take care debsy, and i wish you all the luck in the world x x x x

Thanks pussycat good luck to you too.When are you going to the drs?

hi debbsy my drs appointment is for the 29th, next wednesday i think. The bleeding has almost stopped today, so im not sure if i should still go or not. what do you think?