First time IVF - male perspective - tips and hints?

[beardpapa]

Hello, I'm a hubby and we're about to start our first stimulated IVF cycle in a few weeks' time. I've read and planned as much as I can, but mindful that there are things that only reveal themselves with hindsight - and things that no book or website can prepare you for - I was wondering if I could ask you ladies on the board who have gone through this (or are going through it now) to share what are/were the things that you most wished your partner and/or you:

• Could understand but didn't?
• Had read up on but didn't bother?
• Had taken initiative on without waiting for you to prompt/do?
• Was better at doing?
• Had organised/thought of before it happened?
• Had talked about before it happened?

And in case any guys happen to be reading this, I'd appreciate your thoughts on what you thought you could have done differently/better, and any insights you might have.

Any advice would be genuinely, and greatly, appreciated.

Thanks!

It just struck me that I should clarify that I'm looking for practical tips on how to better support my wife as she's going through this. I'm not looking to start a general discussion - there are plenty of other threads for that.

She'll already be under enough physical and emotional stress as it is and I'm hoping to reduce any extra stress that will be generated by me and which could have been avoided...

My heartfelt thanks.

At the risk of being a tad patronising bless you! The fact you're posting here suggests that your other half is v. lucky! I've done this twice with no success and am just waiting for an FET so I'll give it my best shot with the caveat that other women have different ways of coping and obviously very different experiences of the procedure.

• Could understand but didn't?

I knew both my cycles had failed before the 2ww. My body was doing all the usual PMT stuff. My OH and a friend urged me to 'keep positive' but that just made me feel pants. First time round especially, my OH was convinced it would work. I felt like I had to deal with my disappointment and I felt responsible for his. Next time round he was more open to both the possibilities of success and failure and that helped me.

• Had read up on but didn't bother?

I read Zita Jones's guide to IVF (and read out bits to OH). I'm a bit sceptical about self help guides but this one was useful. I learnt a lot about nutrition for example. I also wish I'd known about/read up on DHEA.

• Had taken initiative on without waiting for you to prompt/do?

Help following the protocol. I'm in a scientific profession but the protocol I was given was, second time round particularly, really hard to follow. It helps to sanity check with someone else that you are doing the right thing. OH stepped up to the mark for the second round (short protocol) and helped me write a mail to the private consultant explaining what was wrong with the instructions (or lack of) and how stressed it had made me feel not having adequate guidance.

• Was better at doing?
• Had organised/thought of before it happened?

Can't think of anything specific - perhaps talk about what you will do in every eventuality and scope out all the options available. For example, during my second round I stumbled across information from my clinic about donor egg treatment abroad. It came as a relief and surprise that my OH would consider this and it makes me feel more relaxed as I know that there are other oprions out there. We also had a look in to adoption too.

• Had talked about before it happened

On the first round we had 3 embryos but only put 1 back as we were scared of twins (hollow laugh). We had a cursory conversation in the transfer room with the embryologist about what to do. Really we should have both talked to the consultant before hand.

On the physical and emotional stress - physically I didn't find it too bad. If your OH is concerned over injecting then she needn't be, it's very simple (think warm knife through butter). The retrieval was all fine too. Emotionally it's harder. It's a big emotional (and possibly financial) investment over a long time period with no guaranteed outcome. As a couple perhaps think about and agree who and what you want to tell people. Don't just think about this cycle - think about all eventualities. Having IVF is kind of exciting as suddenly there is an opportunity potentially opening up. In the first flush of optimism there can be a strong desire to share. People have different comfort levels in terms of sharing but think long term with this (will they still be helpful if you are several cycles in/considering donor eggs/considering adoption) and remember you can always tell someone but you can't untell them. Primarily, it should be a joint decision so something to talk about.

Good luck to you both!

... would also suggest that you and your wife have a look at the fertility friends website - there is a mens section there. It can be a bit off putting at first as it's quite a 'dense' website - loads of sections, long threads that probably contain answers but your eyes/will may give out before you find them. I'd recommend persisting with fertility friends though and also hopping over to 'infertility' section here too. It was set up so women having problems can discuss seperate from those tryng but not having problems if you see what I mean! that said, I have had useful advice and support from this section, the infertility section AND fertility friends!

Looks like lozster has it covered! Just wanted to say good luck, I hope it all goes well for you.

Thank you lozster for the long, thoughtful reply and the tip to FF. I had a look around there before and you're right - it is pretty heavy duty, but lots of useful nuggets there. I think your suggestions are great, particularly about talking about all the options and eventualities beforehand. I think like a lot (if not most) men I tend to default to the 'it'll be alright' / 'wait and see' mentality when dealing with something this big and out of my natural comfort zone. Taking charge by addressing the outcomes, including the disappointing ones, isn't something that comes naturally, but would be of great benefit in this situation I think. I'll try my best.

Thanks for the good wishes MiB!

2 things my DH did which I massively appreciated - 1 was he did all the injections for me to start with which took the pressure of me a bit and made it feel 'joint', and 2 he just instantly agreed to any weird request i had which i felt might make a difference (including driving me into central london and back just because i didn't want to get on public transport!). Everything seems heightened, even doing a bit of housework you think 'will this affect it' - having a DH who just agreed with whatever, no arguments was bliss! Oh and fwiw my DH always takes the 'it'll be alright and wait and see' mentality which i've found massively helpful when i'm stressing out about things. Best of luck. x

Being aware of what the hormones might do to her would be the thing I would mention. We are also about to start our first IVF cycle and I haven't yet met any kind of hormone-based drug that didn't turn me into Eeyore. I get very moody and depressed, even on the Pill. So I am dreading what the higher doses of hormones will do to me. So I want my other half to be prepared for that and treat me with kid gloves for a while (I am normally a fairly resilient person so that is not something that is normally necessary). I would also like him to take as much ownership of the process as I do and do stuff like offer to call the clinic for me if I need to check something, etc.

Thanks CareBear1 and eurochick.

I have read that the hormones are likely to make women go a little bit mad so I have braced myself for this... but of course when it happens for real I'm hoping I'm going to be able to remember this advice. I agree that the best way forward is the "instant agreement" policy, in conjunction with a robust "no questions asked" rule.

I plan on giving the injections myself. In the first interview we had with the nurse coordinator I asked to try out a real injector pen to get a feel for it. Actually I had wanted to do a trial injection on myself (without the drugs, obviously) to get an understanding of what it feels like, but the nurse wasn't too keen on this and only allowed me to practice on a rubber mat. We're also going to be near to the clininc so we could go get it done by the nurses if need be.

This is great - lots of useful advice and all greatfully appreciated.

I'd agree with all of the good advice above.

In my case I was also very appreciative of a big box of Hotel Chocolat chocolates which Dh bought and I had as a reward each evening after jabbing myself. I'm not even that in to chocolate, but they really are good!

Good luck to you both. You and/or your other half should feel free to come join us all on the Assisted Conception thread - I found it very good for venting and asking questions of others throughout my cycle.