Right, someone come and give me a slap and tell me to get over myself!
We're aiming for EOD from end of AF to, well, haven't really thought that far but I guess maybe around CD22 ish so as to give ourselves a good chance (not temping or doing the stck thingies, just going for plenty of sex - worked for us last time).
So last night would have been a night 'off' as it were, but since hubs works away Tuesdays and Wednesdays we were getting an extra session in, or trying. Thing is it didn't work out and I'm really cross with myself about that and I need someone to tell me the sex doesn't have to be all about TTC and it was good that we stopped (i'm coming on to why we did in a minute, sorry this will be a long post, just need to get it off my chest) and really, if it doesn't happen this month it won't automatically be because of not finishing the deed last night. In fact if I get prego in the first 3 or 4 months I should count my self bloody lucky and expecting it in first month is asking a lot, and only opening myself up to a big disappointment. Yes it can happen first month, but expecting it to is not a good way to go. All day I've just been thinking, we should have tried again and got it into my head that was THE day and now it won't happen because we missed sex ONE night. So, come on, virtual slaps for me!
Onto why we had to stop, which is a whole other thing which now worries me slightly. Not sure what happened but hubs did something, I'm not sure what, but it HURT. It only hurt for a second but it sparked horrid and very vivid flashback from DS birth. I had a bit of a rough time, though I now would say a good portion of it was really just standard first birth, you really can't be prepared for it no matter how hard you try, sort of trauma, and plenty of people have worse. But I felt pretty traumatised for the first couple of weeks after DS was born and for first few days had horrible flashbacks. I really thought I'd dealt with it all and was fine about it now, but having the flash back last night was horrible (see, really could not have gone on with the sex, was in floods of tears, and not feeling remotely like continuing with any of that business, and no way trying again would have been enjoyable, or realistic, so now should not be berating myself for stopping)and now I?m wondering how I?m going to feel when I get pregnant and have the prospect of giving birth again looming. Hubs hasn?t got over the birth, he will barely talk about it, and when I?ve managed to discuss it with him slightly more once or twice (I ?ve always felt he should try to talk about it ,to try and deal with it somehow) I?ve had him in tears. So, we both accept he is going to be a panicked mess when we get to next time round, but I thought I would be OK. Now I?m not so sure.
I suspect a lot of what caused the flash back was because I?m really not happy generally at present. We moved out of London up north (to be nearer family, which is great) relatively recently and I started a new job. Unfortunately I?m really not enjoying said new job and am finding it really tough. I also went from working 4 days a week and finishing at 4pm, to 5 days a week finishing at 5pm so see far less of DS which is tough. So I guess the combination fo feeling a bit down and stressed along with the rather random pain caused it, and the pain alone would not have brought about the flashback.
And finally, just to finish my woe is me tales, I think my obsessive worry that last nights failure will mean disaster for baby making this month is only because I?m trying to get through work by keep telling myself it is just a means to an end. The job made it possible to move up here and that was our first step towards another baby, and working full time is temporary as I?ll do it until starting mat leave, then either negotiate to go part time on returning, or not go back if they don?t agree and find something part time or do freelance stuff.
There, that?s got it off my chest. Sorry, Hubs away tonight so no one at home to obsess to, and there is only so much I can admit to anyone in RL, otherwise I?ll scare them 
.