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Conception

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Original poster

Over 40

39 replies

speedymama · 09/01/2006 13:04

We have twin boys (age 22 months) and were planning to try for a third (or third and fourth) towards the end of year when I will be 42 years of age. I was discussing this with my mother yesterday and now, I am in full retreat. Even though I gave birth to the twins when I was 39 years old (conceived after 3 weeks), she thinks that the risks are much higher now and that I should get a medical check up first. Even then, she thinks that I'm too advance in age for more children (DM is 73) and the risks of having a child with disabilities increases.

After discussing this with DH, I have decided not to try for another one because I have been panicked about the age issue and the increase risks in having a disabled child. However, I do not feel happy with the decision and wonder if I'm cheating myself of a new and wonderful experience. I'm so confused and really do not know what to do. DH would like another one but recognises that the final decision will have to be mine. I am healthy, exercise regularly and most people think I'm 10 years younger than my actual age - they are quite shock when I tell them my real age.

Would anyone out there like to share their experiences and offer any advice?

Thanks for reading this.

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Original poster
speedymama · 10/01/2006 08:29

Thanks for all the messages. With energetic twin toddlers, I don't often have the time to check and respond to messages.

Ultimately, I know that DH and I have to weigh up the pro and cons of having another child(ren) now. I do not feel old at 41 years of age and compared to some of my younger colleagues at work, I am definitely more healthy. I do not smoke, rarely drink alcohol, eat a healthy diet and exercise frequently. I did have a miscarriage with my first pregnancy when I was 38 and the main problem I had with my 2nd pregnancy was the normal problem one has with twin pregnancy - one foetus developing more rapidly at the expense of the other.

I know my mother means well but ultimately, it is not her decision or her life so I will not be discussing it with her again until DH and I make our own decision. If we decide to go ahead, we will start trying in the autumn so we have a long time to really think about it.

Thanks for your support and advice

OP posts:
AlmostAnAngel · 10/01/2006 14:31

loads of luck and love for your future what ever you decide...your already a greaat mum

lemonstartree · 10/01/2006 17:33

I have 3 children, conceived when I was 33, 36 and 39. I am now 41 and would love one more. Its true the risks of miscarriage increase with age ( I had one mc between ds1 and ds2 and two between Ds2 an ds3) and that the risk of Downs syndrome (andother chromosomal abnormalities) increases with age but more children are born without these problems. In the end its up to you, but I always remember someone saying that you are very unlikely to regret the children you do have , but might well regret not having the ones you want....

I say go for it!

Arabica · 10/01/2006 19:27

Nobody can make this important decision for you, but in my case (I'm 44 and nearly 11wks pg) I just thought ahead to my 50th birthday and asked myself whether I would feel relief or regret if I didn't try for another baby after my miscarriage last year. It helps that I have a 46-year-old friend who's just given birth to a healthy baby and she is coping fine. Good luck whatever you decide.

Elibean · 10/01/2006 22:19

Arabica, I will borrow your 'think 50' tip to help me make my decisions, thanks. More importantly, congratulations - wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy!

Milliways · 10/01/2006 22:30

Good`luck with your decision.

It makes me realise how the "age barrier" shifts over time. We were fortunate to be married young, enjoy 4 childfree years & hae children young. DH was adamant that children should be born before we hit 30!(DS in his family). I am almost 40 and feel no different health wise (apart from more tired as now dealing with teenager & 10 yr old) as at 30. If I hadn't had my children yet I would definately be trying.

Totally agree with Arabica's advice.

Arabica · 11/01/2006 01:08

Thanks Elibean!

jabberwocky · 11/01/2006 01:27

Hi speedymama, I turn 41 in March and have told dh that what I want for my birthday is to start TTC for baby no.2. I had ds at 38 and would love to have another. FWIW, I had a very early miscarriage several months ago and my mother was horrified that I would "let" myself get pregnant again. I've decided not to tell her until I am hopefully well along with the next pregnancy! Dh is 57 and has some concerns about his energy levels with 2 children, so we have been discussing it quite a lot.

Oh, and as far as potential problems, I was also very concerned. Dh stated that at his age he did not think he could face caring for a disabled child. I elected for an amnio and we would have aborted if a problem had been detected. Fortunately we have beautiful healthy ds!

christie1 · 11/01/2006 03:01

I had a healthy lovely baby at 41. Your ageis oemthing to consider ut the risk does nto go up after 40 like everyone said, it goes up after 35. The real issue is the drop in fertility. But it sound like your heart is telling you to try for it and if it doesn't happen, then at least you will nto wonder later when it really will be too late. I will bet that if you do have a third, you won't be able to pry her from your mom's arms. My mom worries about me too, they are our moms, but, it is your life in the end, not hers.

bobbybobbobbingalong · 11/01/2006 03:24

I think the risk of having more twins is your main concern - if you feel you could do that again then go for it. After all you will only be 4 years older than the first time - the longer you think about it the older you will be.

Alipiggie · 11/01/2006 03:34

I have a friend who had both her boys in her forties after miscarriages, both healthy. I sometimes wonder if I was to hasty in saying two was enough - I'm 40. It is purely a personal decision - health and happiness come into it as well as the question will I hope as an older mother. Personally i think my two are keeping me young

Alipiggie · 11/01/2006 03:35

oops meant cope

Elibean · 11/01/2006 19:05

Hmm, I sometimes think my one is keeping me young, other times I'm quite sure she's making me feel a hundred

Original poster
speedymama · 12/01/2006 13:52

I have shown this thread to my DH and he would like to thank you all for your comments and advice. The supportive comments and personal experiences shared have been extremely touching and helpful and hopefully, in autumn, we will arrive at the decision that is right for us.

Thanks again

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