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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Over 40

39 replies

speedymama · 09/01/2006 13:04

We have twin boys (age 22 months) and were planning to try for a third (or third and fourth) towards the end of year when I will be 42 years of age. I was discussing this with my mother yesterday and now, I am in full retreat. Even though I gave birth to the twins when I was 39 years old (conceived after 3 weeks), she thinks that the risks are much higher now and that I should get a medical check up first. Even then, she thinks that I'm too advance in age for more children (DM is 73) and the risks of having a child with disabilities increases.

After discussing this with DH, I have decided not to try for another one because I have been panicked about the age issue and the increase risks in having a disabled child. However, I do not feel happy with the decision and wonder if I'm cheating myself of a new and wonderful experience. I'm so confused and really do not know what to do. DH would like another one but recognises that the final decision will have to be mine. I am healthy, exercise regularly and most people think I'm 10 years younger than my actual age - they are quite shock when I tell them my real age.

Would anyone out there like to share their experiences and offer any advice?

Thanks for reading this.

OP posts:

Lonelymum · 09/01/2006 13:16

Your mother is right in that the risks increase greatly as you get older, but I think the real rise begins when you are 35 so you have already successfully overcome that barrier.

I would suggest you discussed it with your GP who might have more facts and figures at his/her fingertips. Can't harm to go and talk about it, can it?

Joje · 09/01/2006 14:16

I am a 1962 baby and after a long time finally had a baby in July.I did have discussions with a gyne at the hospital about getting pregnant but not once did they mention disabilities. I read about amnio and was concerned at the results of miscarraige, so opted out.I did however pay to have a scan at to see what the "chances" of a downs child would be.Obviously they only give a percentage but that was good enough as we had already decided that we would have the baby.The info reads ```Hope this helps
The Nuchal translucency scan
This is a screening test for Down's syndrome that's usually offered at 11-14 weeks. It involves an ultrasound scan to measure the thickness of the layer of fluid at the back of the baby's neck. Babies with Down's syndrome have a thicker layer. If it is thicker than average, women are usually offered an amniocentesis for diagnosis

mckenzie · 09/01/2006 14:35

Isn't there new evidence that suggests it's the age and health of the father that has the biggest impact on the unborn feotus?

Original poster

speedymama · 09/01/2006 14:57

That's interesting Mackensie because DH is 8 years younger than me and runs half marathons!

I guess I should speak to GP but would like to hear about the experiences of others who have actually been in this position.

Thanks for all the comments/advice

OP posts:

Aloha · 09/01/2006 15:00

Well, fertility drops away as you get into your 40s certainly, but the 'risks' do not rise enormously if you are fit and healthy. The main risk is the chance of having a baby with Downs syndrome, for which you can be tested (if you are prepared to terminate for Downs). I certainly wouldn't bother talking to the GP! What nonsense if you are a healthy person.(I'm 42 btw, had dd at 41) Just get your folic acid in!

Original poster

speedymama · 09/01/2006 15:14

Well we would not terminate for Downs so thankfully that is not an issue. I must admit that talking to the GP does not fill me with glee, particularly as my normal one is currently on maternity leave.

I wish someone would wave a wand and tell me what is the right decision for my circumstances.
The impression I get from the media is that more women in their 40s are having babies but is that really true and what percentage have healthy babies and straight forward pregnancies? In both my NCT and postnatal groups, I was the only one over 35 and most of the other women were under 30! Most of the women I know have had their babies in their 20s or early 30s.

OP posts:

Aloha · 09/01/2006 16:42

There is no point talking to your GP IMO. YOu don't have any chronic conditions such as diabetes do you?. What do you expect him to do? With age, your risk of miscarriage rises, as does the risk of Downs syndrome - and there is nothing you or your Gp can do about that. Apart from those two issues, you stand every chance of having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Aloha · 09/01/2006 16:44

I personally would feel entirely comfortable having another baby at 42, if I didn't have my two. I woudl have screening for DS though. However with dd I only had the nuchal fold (I was 40/41) and decided the results I had were Ok and didn't have more tests. If I had found out the baby had DS I probably would have had a termination. So that's my story.

Aloha · 09/01/2006 16:46

and it has to be up to you and your dh if you want more children. not me, not your best friend and certainly not your mother,

AlmostAnAngel · 09/01/2006 16:51

i am a child of an "older mother" she was 47 when i was born ..i just want to say i had a wonderful childhood up until about 9 when my mum then my mum was always in and out of hospital she is now 85 my dad died nearly 2 years ago aged over 80 having had both his legs amputated due to smoking ..my brothers are all a lot older than me the eldest is old enough to be my dad [i was an auntie at 2 years old] i have 3 dds and whilst bringing them up i have also cared for my parents...i love my mum very much and miss my dad soooo very much .. i hope this dosent offend you i just want to give you the thoughts of a child with older parents

AlmostAnAngel · 09/01/2006 16:56

gosh i just read that back ,,i really didnt mean it to sound so anti! just giving the point of view from the other side..sorry

Freckle · 09/01/2006 16:57

I had DS1 at 37, DS2 at 38 and DS3 at 41. I had no problems conceiving and I kept myself fit and healthy - oh and DH is younger than I too!

Very little emphasis was put on the increased risks of having another child when older - apart from, strangely, my mother. What is it about our mothers? My mother was very negative about my 3rd pregnancy right up until the birth. She absolutely adores DS3 and seems to have gone into denial about the fact that she didn't think we should have him.

Go with your own feelings on the matter. Don't let others persuade you. You are the one who has to live with the decision, so you should be the one to make it on your own terms.

Elibean · 09/01/2006 17:00

I'm 45 with a two year old, but don't really 'count' in TTC terms as dd was conceived via egg donation (premature menopause, though by the time I had dd after years of trying, it didn't seem as premature!). But my best pal had her second dd four months ago at nearly 44, and had all the same worries as you - slightly harder pregnancy, but her dd is fine and so is she.

AlmostAnAngel · 09/01/2006 17:02

and also please dont forget that older women are younger now iykwim

Elibean · 09/01/2006 17:04

Oops, pressed 'post' prematurely

Don't want to hijack your thread, but am also trying to make a decision about TTC a second time, and feel embarrassed to say so at my age...but its true. I don't have the worries about 'old eggs' as I'd be going through IVF with DE again, but I do have worries about coping with pregnancy and a toddler at my age, and then the added energy needed for two kids. SHould probably screw up my courage and start another thread on this one - just to say, you're not alone!

Also, I agree with Aloha, GP not necessarily helpful - and its YOUR decision, no on else's!

Elibean · 09/01/2006 17:08

My mother, and father, and grandmother (98) and sister are all trying hard not to say so, but they think I'd be mad to try for another at 45. They were really anxious for me through the last pregnancy, too.
They might be right, but its not their decision either!

Elibean · 09/01/2006 17:09

AlmostAA, what happened when you were 9? I couldn't follow that bit of your post, hope you do'nt mind me asking - it sounded as though your mother's health deteriorated, but not sure. I'm so sorry about your Dad. Thanks for posting your point of view, I find it helpful to hear lots!

oldfool · 09/01/2006 17:14

I know you wanted positives but I got pregnant accidentally last June at the age of 42 and had a missed miscarriage in August. I found out after August that the risk of miscarrying is very high at our age- something like one in three instead of the usual one in five. We haven't ruled out trying again but I'm not too hopeful.

AlmostAnAngel · 09/01/2006 17:17

when i was nine mum used to colapse a lot and it took a few years to find out she had a heart problem ..i really didnt men to put you off or upset you i feel really bad now ...she has had heart attacks and a pacemaker fitted.two replacement hips.etc as i said women these day look act and health wise are a lot younger

Easy · 09/01/2006 17:22

I think you have to decide based on your views of disability and abortion.

I was 38 when I had my son. I knew I was at increased risk of Downs syndrome, and had a CVS test to check for it. DH and I knew that if Downs was found (or any other abnormality) then we would abort. This was mainly because I am disabled myself, with an undiagnosed condition, and I know what life is like as a disabled child, and what my parents went thru during my childhood (my sister and I both disabled).

If you couldn't cope with the possiblilty of a disabled child or abortion, then I guess the risk gets too high.
On the other hand, if you and dh can rationally discuss what you would do in those circumstances, then it's your choice to try for another baby.

For what it's worth, I didn't tell my family we were TTC, and when I told them I was PG (at 15 weeks) they were HORRIFIED.

But it's your life.

Hadalifeonce · 09/01/2006 17:24

I didn't get married until I was 41, I had ds at 42, no problem conceiving, then had a miscarriage 15 months later. Then fell pg again no trouble and had dd at 45, I am now 48. I made sure I took folic acid, didn't drink too much, generally fit. I have 2 very healthy happy children (thankfully). It's the luck of the draw, I know younger mums who have children with all sorts of problems.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Mercedes · 09/01/2006 17:28

I had my dd after 10 years of ttc. I did have an amnio and it confirmed what I was convinced of already - healthy child. yes the risks increase after 40 but it's not that strange for women in their 40s to have babies. It's just that in the past women would have large families spread over 20 years as opposed to starting in your 30s. My dp's mum had him at 48 - he is the youngest of 8. DDs now 4 and if I could have another one I would go for it.
Given that I've managed to get pregnant once every 10 years I reckon I will get pregnant again at 50 and that is too old for me.

Elibean · 09/01/2006 17:29

Almost, please do'nt feel bad! Its absolutely true that health risks increase with age, even though of course they can happen at any time - I for one am fine with what you posted! I'm sorry your Mum went through all that, and you too - it sounds rough. xx

Elibean · 09/01/2006 17:31

'too old for me' is exactly it: its such an individual thing. My pal who had her dds at 40 and 43 felt her 'cut off' age was 44. My sister's best pal had twins (naturally, and by 'mistake') at 49. Others feel too old at 36.

AlmostAnAngel · 09/01/2006 17:33

thank you ..

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