Should I keep on plugging away at DH or not? Honest views...

[HorridCold]

Hi there,

I am desperate to have a 2nd DC.

When we first got together we had a scary month where contraception hadn't worked and I thought I was PG, my now DH had said 'Cool - let's start thinking about names!'.

Turned out that I wasn't PG and the relationship continued as before. As we got more serious, DH started saying that he'd never really had any plans to have DCs or to get married. I told him there and then that I definitely wanted to get married and have children and that if he wasn't sure we needed to discuss it. He then back-tracked.

Fast forward 4 years and we're married and expecting our first DC. First there was an MC, then a horrendous PG with DD. DD is now two and is worshipped, totally, by both of us. Our relationship however has had real ups and downs, but I know that he really does love DD and I and we would never be without DD.

During the awful labour that I had, I made him promise to stop me if I ever got desperate for another child. As is often the case, even though I've forgotten about the horrendous experience I look at DD and know now that I am desperate to have a second child. I never expected to love being a Mum as much as I do and I never thought it possible to love another human being like I do DD.

So I raised the issue with DH. After a long-drawn-out conversation, DH reluctantly agreed but pretty much said that he was doing it for me as he would be happy with just the one. He said that we need to sit down and discuss timescales (can't afford two lots of childcare but my salary far outweighs our current childcare costs as I'm the higher earner so can't reduce hours either) and go through all our finances so we haven't actually started TTCing yet.

When people ask if we're having another one, DH says yes we probably will and smiles which makes me feel really encouraged and the last two times we BDd (without actually TTCing) he didn't use the 'natural' contraception method like he had until recently (even though he knows that I'm not longer on the pill).

But sometimes when I talk about TTCing, he says "I didn't know that we'd agreed that we were definitely having another one" and I get all hurt and confused.

My friends say that he's scared to because we had problems in our relationship after DD was born and things are still not 100% and he's scared that he will lose DD and I if things go badly again. But we can't really afford to wait. I'm 37 now and even though we were lucky enough to fall first month with DD, it's unlikely it will happen that quickly again...

So, sorry for the long post but has anyone been through anything similar? Anyone got any advice as to how to handle it? More importantly, has anyone gone ahead under these circumstances and their DH has been really happy once DC was born?

Thank you for reading...

It sounds like he's just not fussed either way, rather than actively not wanting another dc.

I think you need to get it through to him how much this matters to you -- I'd be sitting him down and laying my heart on the table, and telling DH that if we didn't ttc that I'd live with that regret for the rest of my life. Imho that sort of trumps his whatever, not bothered attitude lol

And be honest with him about his mixed messages. He just sounds undecided, but you can't float along like that forever (my dh is juuuuust the same lol) - you don't want to be having subtle do-we-dont-we conversations in 5 years. He needs to tell you exactly what he wants, and if he's on the fence he needs tipping over one way or another ;)

Xx

Thank you SnOwGoose. I think you're right. When I look back to when DD was coming up for a year old, I thought I was PG. Late AF, various symptoms. I had stressed about it for a good few days before finally breaking down and telling him. He said "well there's nothing we can do about it, try not to worry". The next morning, on waking up he turned to me and said "so, what names will we choose this time?" with a smile on his face.

AF arrived that afternoon.

But this is what I mean, seems dead against, until it's a possibility and then seems all for it!

Sometimes its just the decision making thats scary, i think he sounds like he's happy to go ahead.