How do I face a friend who is pregnant?

[joycep]

We have been trying to conceive for nearly a year now. I can?t tell you how much it is praying on my mind ? the worry, the not knowing if something is wrong etc etc...But one of my closest friends has announced her pregnancy and it sounds awful but I just don?t want to see her anymore. If she rings up, I feel I have to ask her about how everything is going but I hate hearing about it. We see them all the time as well. I really don?t want to be unfriendly but I can see myself slithering out of meetings up with her and it?s only going to get worse as she starts getting a bump.

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to admit to her that I'm feeling like this...I am truly happy for her but I guess it's just envy that it has happened all so quickly for them and I'm so worried about myself.

Has anyone got like this before or is this irrational??

Ooh joycep I know how you feel. Had the same feelings with my sister in law. I struggled through her pregnancy. Then she gave birth on Sunday night. Now it just feels harder, I can't bring myself to go see her or talk to her at all. It's not her fault. But I've seen pictures, but I look at them and just feel angry like why can't that be me holding my own gorgeous baby. Makes it worse that hers wasn't even planned, she's barely sexually active with her boyfriend. So she barely tried and gets it and I can't. It's her second child, she must be lucky.. Either that or I'm just very unlucky.

But I can totally see where your coming from. I just found it's a case of you just have to bite your lip, deal with it and do the best you can.

Oh feck, OP, you are so not irrational. It is hideously painful to have people announce pregnancies all around you, when you are struggling.

Randomgal - I have had a very similar experience. My DP's brother and his DP announced their pregnancy, exactly two weeks to the day I had my last MC. I thought I was dealing with it - until the day their DD was born. I sobbed my heart out, in a bloody Sainsbo's car park, when DP's Mum called to tell us that they had had a DD.

I was handed their baby in the hospital (as we were guilted into visiting), and all I could think was, 'this should be my baby. I should have a baby this small, precious and amazing'. Hideous of me, I know.

I'd love to say I have moved on. I haven't though. I can now hold DP's niece without crying, or feeling bitter. That really is the best I can manage. Feck, I must be a cow.

So, OP, no, your feelings are not irrational.

Fuck, OP, I have so monopolised your post. Sorry. And I am so, so sorry for your pain. I completely understand how you feel. It really is horrendous, isn't it?

Thinking of you OP.

Hi, just to put my twopennies worth in.

This thread is ideal for me right now as someone at work announced about a monthago that she was pg, and that she was really upset about it, doesn't want any more kids (has one 6 months old) and hates being pg, she's gonna keep it anyway. I absolutely broke down and sobbed my heart out. I nearly went home from work as I couldn't stop welling up constantly. It was unbelievably difficult.

I was starting to deal with it until I had an appraisal and my senior asked if I was ok, when I started welling up again and since then (last week) I have been a complete and utter wreck. The girls in the office now know what's going on (been trying 8 months, which I know isn't long but it is for me)I am now suffering from depression and going to docs next week as I've started having panic attacks. My team manager brought her daughter and her new baby (conceived accidentally) in yesterday and I had to leave the room and go upstairs as I was going to have a panic attack, then my pg colleague brought her 6 month old daughter in and I ran away again. I'm really having a difficult time and it's good to know that I'm not alone, and I hope my story helps some of you too.

I just want to get bloody pg! I'm frustrated and angry and upset all at once and it feels like she's flaunting it in my face with her belly and her scan pictures. Poo to her. ERTD is due today, can you tell

Me too, have been trying for 2 years and in the meantime every single one of my close friends has had at least one, including two who got pregnant by accident after the three of us had a chat about how I really wanted to have a baby and they absolutely didn't.

Another one told me she was going to start trying, and then two weeks later I texted her saying "are you preggers yet" and she wrote back going "er yes, I was wondering how to tell you". It took me quite a few days before I could call her because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep from crying. Then she had a miscarriage and I felt terrible for resenting her being pregnant, but... also found myself still feeling envious and thinking "well, at least she knows she can GET pregnant".

Awful no?

Dzudzi you are not awful, everyone on this thread is having completely normal thoughts/feelings etc to something that is a horrible situation for us. We've been trying officially now for 9 months. Just think if I'd have caught first month I could be shoving one out right now! It's so hard and it hurts like hell but I've found consolation in a couple of things that others have mentioned a lot above:

Sometimes we don't know people's back stories, just because they fell pregnant as soon as they got married doesn't mean they weren't trying before baby came along.

A friend of a friend of mine got married and announced they were pg within weeks. I kind of snorted about it being so easy for some people and my friend said, well no actually they had been trying for over three years and were waiting for IVF.

Another friend who is now pg with her second baby, after a mc back last year and already had a 2 yr old, all seemed to be 'fell pg at the drop of a hat' stuff told me that they were trying for at least two years for first baby, had given up and were about to take the next steps (she then tried OPKs for the mc baby and the one she currently has and caught within three months each time)

Look at the lady on one born every minute - 4 years and rounds of IVF to get their three babies but they got there in the end.

Not all celebs fall pg really easily, look at Sarah Jane Parker, Nicole Kidman and some of the Royals had IVF and numerous miscarriages too and those are just off the top of my head not to mention Lily Allen and Amanda Holden.

We can and will get there but it is just painful while we are on the journey. I've told a few friends because I need people to talk to about it when I get really down and everyone is supportive, I also know a few people who caught at the drop of a hat but they are sensitive as they know how they would feel if they were in my position. I'm lucky in that DP is very sensible and calming about it all and my friends are also very supportive so at least i have that network. Just wish it would happen sooner rather than later xx

Thanks for being the voice of reason Raspberrytipple! I keep trying to remember that it's not necessarily as easy as it seems for everyone else either, but just had a bad day of being bitter yesterday. I have no problem with telling anyone and everyone that I'm finding it hard, but most of my friends never even ask - I think the fact that it's not generally something people share with everyone makes them think they shouldn't, and makes me think I shouldn't go on about it too much too. I wish I'd thought of having a moan on here yesterday, it probably would have helped me not embarassingly cry at work after getting my period AGAIN.
x

I think it's normal to feel like this, it's hard, but as I'm finding it's possible to stay friends! I'm lucky that my friend isn't a moaner, but I don't think she would around me....

My story is a little different. My friend knew I was trying and it took 6 long months, but we got bfp's at the same time. Hers was an accident!! We were chuffed to bits to be doing it together, even more so as our dd's are the same age and do everything together. Unfortunately I had a mmc at 10 wks (in Jan), and am now going through my 2nd mc. It's been incredibly tough, but we've talked about openly. I don't want any baby, I want my babies!! We've been shopping and looked at maternity stuff, I tried to persuade her to buy a buggy in M&P's lol...... it's hard, but it's doable because I don't want to lose her friendship. She's been fabulous all the way through and listened to me time and time again.

I don't know how I'll feel as our due dates approach, but hopefully, fingers x'd I'll have a sticky bfp by then.

I have hidden some of the "moaners" on FB though!!!

Don't get me wrong, I have awful days too and just cry, cry, cry and all I can see is pg women/babies everywhere. I deleted loads of 'friends' off FB as they weren't really friends, just people I knew from school who were all on their 2nd/3rd and some even on their 4th babies. Don't get me wrong I don't ever begrudge someone their baby as a new life is just a little miracle that should be celebrated but sometimes it just gets too much so it's better not to have to look at it all the time. I was a little miffed that someone I knew who got pg accidentally has managed to get pg accidentally again and her first baby is not very old really, she doesn't want either baby particularly but it's keeping her boyfriend (who cheats and doesn't want to be with her) at her side for the time being. Very sad, so at least I can take comfort that I'll never be in that position.

It's mice to hear other feel the same. We have been trying for 14 months and I am finding it so hard. I know 4 people due to give birth this week!
I sometime someone would Write an article or bog about what it is like as a way to explain how I feel to dh. He was very much it will happen when it happens although I think it is getting to him a lot now. It all just seems so unfair. Every month I hope and then I am so sad when ertd turns up.
With friends some I avoid completly as I just can't bear it others I am ok with not sure why the difference. The one I find hard are the ones who give minute by minute updates on facebook. For those I stop them appearing in my news feed then look at their profiles to "catch up" with them when I am feeling stronger.
Mumsnet is fab though without the support of everyone on here I think I would be rocking in the corner. It helps knowing I am not the only one and hearing from ladies who have gone through it and then been successful.

Opps! Meant nice-sodding iPhone!

I know, it only occurred to me to look at Mumsnet yesterday to see if other people were going through the same thing and even though it's sad for everyone who is, it is helping me feel less lonely and less like doing some really useless loud screaming/wall punching/small dog kicking. Also my man is relieved that I've stopped crying because it makes him sad that he can't help by going "cheer up, I'll just get you pregnant. There you go."
x

Hello,

Just wanted to say that I understand your feelings. We have been trying for a year with no luck.
I also wanted to say that there is a thread called TTC6+months that a few of us are on. It is a good place to rant and when AF gets you a place to spit bile! It has kept me sane over the last few weeks!

Mean't to say TTC for 6months+.

I'd like to put forward another POV. I have 2 DC ( also had 2 MMC and with DD we were TTC for 12 months ), and a very close friend who had her first at age 44 and then 4 mcs and now at 51 will not have another. Both our first are close in age, which is how I got to know her, and she was a brilliant friend through my 2nd MMC, but when I got to 12 weeks with DD, she withdrew massively, all throughout the pregnancy and really the first year of DD's life.

I completely understood her anguish, but as a good friend, had hoped that we could discuss it and that that our friendship was about more than children. I felt like a leper in her presence and so very sad for her, wanting to comfort her and be her friend through it, but she wouldn't let me.

Things are much better now, but they will never be back to where they were, and this saddens me.

I know, I understand that it's horrible for the pregnant friends too when they just want everyone to share their joy and the people they thought would be the first to do that start distancing themselves, but for me it wasn't that I hated seeing my friend, I just hated the fact that she would see that I wasn't completely happy for her and feel bad about it. Then when she had a miscarriage and was distraught I was really sad for her, but I also thought she was probably thinking "don't pretend to be sad for me, you obviously found it hard to cope with me being pregnant so you're probably glad this has happened." Obviously that's just me paranoidly putting paranoid thoughts into someone else's head and she probably wasn't thinking anything of the sort, but she didn't want to talk to me about it and I felt even more shut out. Now we haven't been in touch for nearly two months and I'm really sad about it but at the same time angry with her for not getting in touch with me and find myself putting off calling her because I'm sure that when I do speak to her she'll be pregnant again and it'll be the whole same emotional rollercoaster.

dzudzi just call her !

I had a mmc in Jan and fell to pieces, got a bfp 10 days ago and have mc'd again. Even if she's prg again, she'll be in bits. It's soooo worrying and stressful I can't tell you.

Oh, that's awful for you. Sorry.

I know I should call her. I will do it today.

Thanks and take care x

Just sent her an e-mail.

I know exactly how you feel. Trying to be positive but it is really hard! We've been trying for nearly 18 months (had mc in Jan) and now can't help worrying it'll be another year or even never.
A friend is due in two weeks and another is going to try for her third in the next couple of months- I just know she'll be pg before me! I love her to bits and would hate to feel jealous of her but worry I won't be able to help it.
Anyway think I'll give the no peas and tonnes of sweet potato ago-can't harm. Thinking positive! xx

Maybe you ladies can help me .... after more than 2yrs of TTC including 1MMC and 1MC, we got another BFP in exactly our last month before embarking on IVF. Through all this time we spoke to no-one - all our friends think we don't want children (I honestly think this was the best thing for us, not having to deal with questions and pity). In those 2yrs I withdrew from everyone who was PG (seemingly everyone) because it was so acutely painful to me, pretending it was my workload. My DH would go onto MY Facebook page and secretely hide anyone who announced a PG, because the moment I saw it I'd cry for weeks. I eventually gave up Facebook altogether. Through those months I wrote a list in my head of the kind of person I'd be if I ever did get PG - how I'd be 'different' and more 'sensitive', never forgetting that even if I had a BFP, others may be struggling, and to never forget the pain of that.

Well, we are PG now - 16weeks - and still not told a soul. Mostly because we can't believe this will last and would rather not tell people, only to then have to deal with pity if the worst happens.

In the meanwhile, one of my friends who got her BFP before me (which devastated me) has recently gone through the worst experience I can imagine in my life: her baby died in utero at 6.5 months and she had to be induced to give birth to her dead baby.

Neither she nor her DH know we're PG. The shoe is now on the other foot, and I don't know how to tell them - especially knowing as I do how it will hurt so much. I KNOW that my baby (if it sticks) will be a constant reminder of their loss. I thought - when I was TTC - that'd I'd thought about this situation so often I'd know how to break the news of my BFP to someone who was TTC. But this is bigger than I thought I'd have to face up to - and I don't know what to say or how to say it ... or when to say it....? How long do we leave for them to grieve before we tell them? Will it be easier or harder if it comes from us or someone else?

Also to say, that the thoughts about mums-to-be wanting to be happy and share the news, and families talking of nothing but the baby - all that fills me with horror. DH and I have had such a terrible time that all we want is to be treated as normal with no fuss or ceremony, and allowed to worry in private and walk this road alone. We don;t want our hopes raised, and we don;t want to have to masqueraude as a couple who have never had issues just to keep others happy. I know that this alone is going to draw flack from people we know because they'll think I'm 'weird' when I ask them to not talk about my PG. In a biazaare way, as cuatiously hopeful as we are, we're both still hurting very badly from the last 2yrs.

Anyway .... hoping you have some advice.

ChoccieChip, what an awful ordeal you have both been through. I will keep my fingers crossed that all will be fine with this one. It sounds unimaginable for your friend and I think you need to gauge what sort of people they are and how close you are to them and how you think they may want to be told. You probably should wait before saying anything whilst it is extremely raw for them but I am presuming it will become quite obvious very soon. I?m not sure it would matter if they found out via someone else ? at least in that way, the ball is in their court as to whether they contact you or not. However, I?m sure people will be sensitive towards them before blabbing about other people?s pregnancies. If you are going to meet up with them, I think it would be polite to perhaps write a letter or email to let them digest the news especially if they're going to notice straight away that you have a bump. Again, if it?s a close friend and you are in touch quite a bit then you will have to let them know at some point and you will have to decide whether that's over the phone or letter or whether you can do it face to face before a bump is noticed.

There is no easy way and very sadly for your friend, i?m sure you won?t be the only one having to inform them of a pregnancy. I would think what they're going through is very distressing and very lonely especially as it is unlikely that there will be friends who have been through the same thing at such a late stage. If you have lost someone close in life, condolence letters from people who have been through similar situations can offer much solace. I'm not saying you should compare your 2 1st trimester losses to her 3rd trimester but for me, i think it would soften the blow if I knew a friend had been trying for 2 years with 2 m/cs and then they announced their pregnancy. but I understand you wanting that privacy and wanting to keep what you have been through private.

In the meantime, best of luck with your pregnancy - I would be exactly the same as you. Screw people who think you are being strange and not harping on about your pregnancy, personally i think that is a breath of fresh air.

All the best, chocciechip
x

Hi joycep, I am sorry you are feeling so down. i read your post and just felt I had to reply. I have an 8 month old baby girl who I love dearly but as a result I no longer have my best friend which I am very sad about. My best friend was having IVF and had to pay and unfortunatley it did not work. I found out I was pregnant and did not want to tell her, I felt embarrased, sad, frightened, stressed more emotions than I care to mention. Obviously I had to tell her, I played it down tried to be aware of her feelings. But over the months the visits and phone calls and texts grew less, she has only seen the baby a couple of times and now she hardly ever contacts me and only if I text her. I miss my friend. I have been down since my daughters birth and miss her terribly. I don't understand, I feel her pain I see the look in her eyes and I want to help I want to tell her it will be ok, that I love her. But I am hurting her unitentionally just by having my baby. I do not know what to do now how to find a way back, if there is one? I am trying to say that the pain is on both sides, I don't want to appear patronising. But we were friends for over 20 years, been through births deaths, divorces, you name it but for some reason we can't get through this. I wish I knew how to make things right, would she rather I did not haver my baby? I don't know, I hope you can come through this, you both need each other. Take care and good luck I hope things work out for you xx

HI missingonelibido, I know how you feel about the sex thing. I think I have let myself down if I know we have not had sex enough that month and not pregnant. I'm looking at ways to spice things up. We all get tired so dont beat yourself up about it please.

God this is the perfect thread for me to rant. I know how you all feel as my friend and I fell pregnant at the same time, she is due in May the same week I would have been. Now my other friend, because she knew how long it took for me to get pregnant thought they better get trying, well she fell pregnant in a few months. I know she felt awfull telling me but it dosnt help that she's updating her facebook every week saying going for scan, heard babies heart beat etc.

I want her to enjoy it obviously, but just seems like everyone around me is getting on with their lives, getting married and having kids, and I havent done either so feel life wont really start up again until I'm pregnant again.

I know we all have to be postive as thinking negatively can reduce chances, so I think its good to make an effect to do enjoyable things to take mind off it and kind of lie sometime to yourself thats all fine to convince your mind.

Well I feel better now after that rant and as when I mention these thoughts to DP he understands that I dont really mean it, but thinks its useless thinking these things.

I'm sure our time will come

Hi wrighty2010- i'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your friend. I hope i don't end up like this and losing friends but I can totally understand it from your friend's view. It obviously is far too painful for her to see a happy family and for her to see something she can't have. I get a pang in my heart when I see a lovely family walking in the street - so to see friends in that situation would be even worse. It is probably easier for her to lose contact rather than face this. I can imagine it could almost be distressing for her especially after giong through a failed ivf.
It's funny but parenthood can separate friends. My SiL says that she feels much closer to her friends with babies than to her school friends now - you do lead a different life. When we go round there, we feel like bit parts. We are invited around but all eyes are on the little one. It's very difficult to have a proper sit down and a chat- their chat is about baby and when we start talking, things are interrupted by the baby. And of course it would be like this. I have no doubt we would be the same, you can't ignore a child but it's very hard for the ones on the other end who want that!
Anyway, It will have nothing to do with your friend not wanting you to have a baby but everything to do with her not being able to have one of her own. You sound like a good friend who is sensitive to her feelings and understands she is in pain. I hope it works out for your friend and if it doesn't happen for her and she comes to accpet that, I am sure your friendship will be revived.