How do I face a friend who is pregnant?

[joycep]

We have been trying to conceive for nearly a year now. I can?t tell you how much it is praying on my mind ? the worry, the not knowing if something is wrong etc etc...But one of my closest friends has announced her pregnancy and it sounds awful but I just don?t want to see her anymore. If she rings up, I feel I have to ask her about how everything is going but I hate hearing about it. We see them all the time as well. I really don?t want to be unfriendly but I can see myself slithering out of meetings up with her and it?s only going to get worse as she starts getting a bump.

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to admit to her that I'm feeling like this...I am truly happy for her but I guess it's just envy that it has happened all so quickly for them and I'm so worried about myself.

Has anyone got like this before or is this irrational??

Na its not irrational its understandabe tbh.

I bet your friend has agonised over how & when to tell you.

Is she a close friend? If she is, can you not tell her that while you are happy for her, it is difficult for you?

I have been trying for baby mo 2 for 18 months and ad a close friend who feel pregnant i stayed quiet close 2 her she had her baby in january and since then i ave seen her twice it seems now she has her baby she dont wanna know me.

I don't think you are being irrational, but then I would say that as I have felt exactly the same as you

Its really really difficult and I remember feeling quite resentful that it had been so easy for my friend to get pregnant and every time she complained about anything to do with the pregnancy (ie.tiredness etc) I felt furious that she didn't know how lucky she was and every enquiry she made about our fertility problems I felt was insincere - she really couldn't win!!

I found myself seeing her regularly, but for shorter meetings so that I could recompose myself if it became difficult, all I would say is that the problem only lasted for the time she was pregnant, for some reason when she had the baby I found it much easier seeing her.

If your friend knows you have been trying for a year and she is a true friend she should realise that this would be difficult for you without you having to spell it out. FWIW I'm very glad that I managed to sustain my friendship.

Its totally understandable and very normal. I've been on both sides- in floods of tears when someone told me she was pregnant and then watching friends hold back tears in similar situation.

I think it easier once you have met up a couple of times- once the initial congratulations etc is over it doesn't necessarily get worse as the bump grows.

Does she know your situation? it is difficult if she doesn't as you might find yourself on the end of comments about the fact that you are choosing not to have children or her recommending it. that said when I wasn't pregnant (but was trying desperately) i found other people not knowing slightly easier to deal with as I personally would have founnd sympathy etc more intrusive.

The other way round is difficult as well- i knew my friends were happy for me and it wasn't my pregnancy that upset them but the lack of one themselves - but i still found myself treading carefully - I'd answer the how are you questions quite quickly and change the subject so that they didn't have to talk about it anymore if they didn't want and I'd think about moaning about pregnancy stuff to them.

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I'm coming to the end of my 12th cycle TTC with no luck. At Christmas I found out that my DP's cousin and wife are expecting their first (must have conceived practically the month they got married). I felt sick when DP's mum told me and to my shame had to make a real effort to sound interested/happy.

Fortunately we don't see them that often but I am dreading any forth coming family get togethers and am avoiding going to the grandparents-to-be house because I simply don't want to hear about it. I feel most miffed because we had been trying before they even got married.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that I get how you are feeling. For Gods sake when I read in the paper that Victoria Beckham was expecting again I threw the paper across the room spitting bile about "how could that stick insect get pregnant, she doesn't eat". Not attractive behaviour, totally ridiculous and I'm not proud of myself but I just think I wasn't prepared for the fact that falling pregnant can take a long time and was not prepared for the emotional toll involved. You become consumed with the excitement of the trying, get yourself hyped up during the 2 week wait with the constant am I/aren't I & analysing every twinge and then get the crushing disappointment of AF. All in all it's exhausting and leaves you emotionally fragile. Well me anyway!

Sorry long post but just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are feeling.

I know exactly how u feel after being in this situation...I act really pleased (which i am for them)but at the same time seething with jealously. I try not to let this show tho as you may look selfish or spiteful and I always ask how there getting on and just make general chit chat.

It is hard but try to reverse the situation and imagine how bad she must be feeling telling you all about her pregnancy knowing you long to be a mummy too. However some friends can be completely insensitive (esp if they've never had problems) and if shes like this i'd ease up on seeing her for a little while.

Poutintrout= i wasn't prepared either for all this stress and turmoil in falling pregnant..i always thought this sort of thing happened to other people!! And yes i get quite stressed at any celeb falling pregnant at the moment it's all i keep reading about..ARGHHHH!!!!!

oooo I understand this. It feels like pretty much everyone I know is pregnant. Including the couple whose wedding we went to in July who are due in May.

The hardest one for me though has been my younger sister. She already has a two year old and gave birth to her daughter 2 days ago. I cry every time I see a photo and I struggle to hold it together. I can't pretend I am happy. No matter hard I try.

i know its really hard. i have had 3 mcs, the last one me and my friend both said we were pregnant at a friend's wedding, i went on to miscarry but my friend's is due on the same due date. at that time i decided i was not going to avoid my friends, two other fell pregnant in the same group.

what i remembered is my mad uncle telling me the secret to getting rich is to hang around rich people and be physically near money. I applied this philosophy to getting pregnant and hung round with bumps and babies. By mere virtue of the fact that there's loads of pregnant women about proves that its entirely likely to happen.

I'm now 20 weeks pregnant again. Start thinking positively, it works. I also had some success with the Fertility diet by sarah dobbyn - lots of sweet potato, no caffeine, no alcohol, no peas.

It's worth a try.

talk about the celebs - everytime someone mentions either of the up coming royal weddings, all i can think is that they'll both be pregnant by the end of the year and i still won't be. i feel so horrible that i am starting to get depressed. i can't share this my husband, my best friend can't have kids and most of my other friends have babies / children... i have had some blood tests on the nhs (i think they just checked hormone levels) it was good to know that although of course there still might be a problem. it is worth going to ask for a blood test if you haven't already. we've been ttc#1 for over a year.

you are not alone and we aren't bad people, just worried we'll never experience the joy of motherhood and having our own family

Thank you ladies. I am glad I am nOt alone in these feelings. My friend does know we are trying and to be fair she has been vert gracious but still I find it so hard. I don't know anyone in my social circles who have taken this long.
I also thought I was alone on seething on the celeb pregnancy news as well. Stupid me for discovering the Mail online where week after week there is another announcement...claudia winkleman today!
Laughinglemons- haha I have been thinking that about the royals too. I set myself stupid targets to get pregnant like birthday, Xmas (all been and gone) and now to get pregnant before Wills and Kate. Ludicrous and crazy!!

joycep I do the stupid targets to be pregnant by too - my birthday, DP's birthday, Xmas, peoples weddings, bank holidays you name it. Now can't believe that I'm looking at having those same targets all over again this year!

Hadn't thought of the Wills and Kate thing...oh no, if they get pregnant it will be all over everywhere. I feel another target coming on....

I think how you are feeling is completely understandable. Just an idea, but when you do see your friend it may help if you are doing an activity like going to the cinema. That way, the focus is away from the whole issue.

i agree it is nice to know your not alone but i don't wish this on anyone. Laughing lemons my OH doesn't really understand either all get is that theres plenty of time and stop worrying!!! It does make you a bit mental!!

Hey ladies!!

I know how you feel too!! My SIL has just announced she has fallen pg the first time after coming of contraception! I too am dreading family get togethers because that is all we will talk about! Its the first grandchild so Inlaws are super excited.

Luckily they all live far away, however I have already said I don't want to visit until the baby is born. DH is supportive, but I can't really ask for us to see his family until the end of the yr! For me, its seeing her pg is bothering me more than that they are having a baby. I am excited that there is another baby in the family, but I am convinced if I see her pg I will be really. jealous (and it will show)!!

I had to sike myself up for about 4 days just to ring them and congratulate them...how ridiculous (only for her to go on when are we going to have one!)

Rant over!! Good luck ladies,one day it will be our turn...

Hi, just to come to the party late, joycep your reaction is totally normal. Just hard to come to terms with.

It does help knowing that other people fee/have felt the same

Hello to you all - whywait get that thread started, it will be a gem!

My friend is sending messages about how awful it is not being able to drink because she is pregnant. . Every text has a little titbit of information about her pregnancy. Of course she wants to speak about, it's a huge moment in her life and I'm truly horrible but I'm not interested, I don' want to hear about it. I really just want to go and tell her to go away and let's reconvene when I'm at least pregnant. Urrrgh.

my Dh doesn't understand either - oh it will happen he keeps saying. I just want to scream it surely should have happened by now!!

Sorry wobbly day.

I feel exactly the same joycep. I know it's normal but it is horrible to feel like this. We have been trying to conceive our first baby since July. I know this isn't a really long time but it feels like a lifetime. I have lost count of how many people have announced their pregnancy or given birth since we started trying. And there are so many celebs flaunting their pregnancies it is impossible to escape it. It seems like everyone else can get pregnant without any effort although I know this probably isn't true.

My friend is pregnant with twins. She wants to share every tiny detail with me and because it is twins there are so many more scans, midwife appointments etc. She doesn't know we're ttc so she isn't trying to be insensitive but I find it so hard. I find the best thing to do is for me to smile and then sort of switch off when she's going on and on. The hardest part is she conceived without trying, one of those happy accidents and I don't think she realises how lucky she is. People who have no problems conceiving can't imagine that it's not the same for everyone else.

Another friend told me at the weekend that she is about to start ttc. I just know that she will announce her pregnancy in no time. And she will want to share it all with me.

Sorry for the moan, it's so hard when you can't talk to people in real life. My DH is wonderful but he is so laid back and relaxed about the whole thing.

Mrsden it's awful isn't it. I can't believe that it was this time last year I was taking my folic acid and getting very excited because I was about to have unprotected sex for the first time in my life - it was exciting!! Wind on to now and it has become miserable - I think about it all the time and am now avoiding great friends. I guess I'm scared they 're moving on without me.

I don't have anyone I can discuss it with in real life. Single friends count me lucky to have met someone and got married as so do friends who are still waiting for a proposal from their boyfs. And I know I'm SO lucky on that front. So I don't want to be insensitive to them about baby making issues. And I just don't know anyone else who has taken more than 6 months...

Deep breath - I have bad weeks like this where I start worrying myself stupid and here I am at work lurking on MN to get support (it's madness). Other weeks I can feel positive and blase as my DH.

My dsis falls pregnant at the drop of a hat.I take alot longer both with ds and dd.It's horrible.I used to cry if I saw babies in the shops so I understand exactly how you feel.I tried getting preg with dd to no avail,but it's only when I was on my monthly that I caught.I litarly gave up before then

I wished i'd of known about mumsnet when I was having trouble concieving my 1st.I felt really alone.My dp had adult kids so I really dnt think he could of understood what I was going through.Every month i'd get my hopes up only for evil af to arrive.I wouldnt wish it on anyone

I totally get where you are all coming from. My friend announced her pregnancy (knowing our 18 month struggle) and then said "Any news?"

After days of tears, I finally plucked up the courage to text her saying that whilst I couldn't be more pleased for her, it was just too difficult for me to meet up with her at the moment (we've just had a BFN from our first IVF). I explained that I would probably feel better once her baby was born and suggested we keep in touch via text in the meantime. So far so good, although I do feel incredibly guilty.

DH thinks I'm being a cow, but it's self-preservation as far as I'm concerned. I'm hoping the friendship survives, which will be 100% easier if we are lucky enough to fall pregnant.

Oh god, I was just about to start a new thread when I found this.

Have spent quite a lot of the afternoon in proper wailing-and-snot crying, having just heard from one of my closest friends that she's pregnant.

That's it, I've pretty much run out of non-pregnant friends. Even some of the single ones. And I'm pretty sure we've been trying since before all of them.

And I feel like a real fraud because whilst I know there are some people on here who have real medical reasons that make it difficult for them to conceive, we (hopefully) don't have that problem, but we're just finding it really hard to commit to have enough sex at the right times. It's so simple, but with work and other committments I'm finding it almost impossible. So I'm sat here, in a mess, and it's all my own fault, and it sucks.

Be honest with her. Tell her that you are really happy for her but that you are really struggling at the moment. If she is a true friend, she will understand.

I have a couple of people close to me who were struggling and I felt extremely guilty being pregnant, but being honest with each other has brought us closer.