Am I too young to want a baby?

[broodyelle]

I am desperate for a baby!! I am twenty and at uni. I spend all my time researching baby related things, writing lists, looking a maternity clothes. I am baby obsessed! I have lived with my boyfriend now for over a year and I guess I just want a baby now complete the package! I think what has mad me want one the most is that my partner has left uni and got a full time job, before we spent all day together and now I am still at uni and at home most of the day on my own, I am getting so lonely and only have 6 hours of lectures a week! Surely it is the perfect timing for a baby! It is going to be hard to persuade my partner as he is not sure about having a baby so young, but I need this for me!!!

Ahem, first off, you are being very honest here, and it is lovely that you feel so strongly about wanting a family....but, and I cannot stress the blindingly obvious but it is a MASSIVE change to your lifestyle which you can never go back to for a long time. I had my first child at 32 and even though I've seen friends have babies I just didn't realise how much my life would change. Don;t get me wrong, it is the most fantastic thing I have ever done BUT, I can say that, having already started a great career, travelled a bit, had fun with my husband and done all those things which you should do in your twenties - which are so much harder for time or money reasons once you have a baby.

Don't get me wrong, people make these things work when they find themselves pregnant young and I take my hat off to them, but if you have a choice now, I would really recommend you grab these carefree years and plan for the future, but you don't have to do it all now.

Once you've finished your degree, you'll be able to start your career and hopefully get that underway so that you'll have a career to go back to when you do have children.

Have you thought about trying to get some part-time work which is children related? Does your uni have a creche? I have no idea how hard it is to get the CRB stuff done, but I bet there are plenty of things you could do to gain experience with other people's children - babysitting is a goldmine!!

I agree with Felicity - sorry.

And if I sound in anyway condescending I really don't mean it that way, I guess I am still in some amount of shock at how much my life changed in 1 year with a baby, and I thought I was pretty well prepared!

No, you are not too young to "want" a baby
but you are definitely too young to have a baby.

You say you are lonely and it sounds like you are a bit bored, but having a baby does not stop you being those things. I have never been so lonely as when I was at home looking after a little baby and I previously worked freelance from home, so thought it would make no difference.

Felicity's suggestion to get a part-time job sounds good. You don't have to wait until you are 30 to have a baby, but waiting until you've finished uni would be a good idea.

I second what Felicity has said. I am also concerned by some of the phrases you use:

"I guess I just want a baby now complete the package!"

"I am getting so lonely and only have 6 hours of lectures a week! Surely it is the perfect timing for a baby!"

"but I need this for me!!!"

I might be way off the mark here, but it sounds like you're hoping to use the baby to fill a hole or need. It doesn't actually work like that.

Having said that, my mum was young when she had me and a close fried had hers when she was young. Both have of course loved their DC but did miss out on different things as a result of their choices.

*friend

Agree with all the above, but just wanted to add (and really hope this doesn't sound patronising, as it's not meant to be), when I was 22 and in my final year at university I went through a phase of thinking A LOT about having a baby. I knew I wasn't ready, but for some reason I just couldn't get the thought out of my head. I think it must have been some kind of hormonal thing or something, because my head was saying one thing but my body was saying another. Anyway, it kind of calmed down once I'd started in a career I was happy with. Maybe it's a symptom of wanting something to happen (the next stage of your life, for example). I definitely finish uni and work for a couple of years before you contemplate children - having something more (paid or voluntary work) to occupy you now could be a really good thing, though.

maybe I should have mentioned some things... The thing is we are very comfortable for money. I own my own home, I never go out clubbing or anything. I have been told I am very mature for my age. I have done lots of travelling in my childhood and late teens as I come from a privileged background, nowadays I am fed up with all the flying and don't travel much any more. I don't want a career in an office, the only thing I want to be is a children's author an I can do that from home.

After reading this do you still think I am too young?

I know it sounds like I have already made up my mind but I do want to hear your opinions!!

Also I have heard that if you have a baby in your early twenties instead of 30s you have more energy for it!

I had my first child at 19.

Looking back I managed pretty well but now at 35 if I could turn back time but still be guaranteed the same Dc at the right time I would wait.

Thankfully I was never into the pub and club scene but I do feel I missed out on a lot of the stuff my friends got to do.

I had a place at Uni but DS was born the week I was due to take up my place. I do now have my degree but in a completely different subject as where we now live and the DC (now have 4) don't really give me the time to do the original subject.

My advice would be to live a little, enjoy your freedom and uni, go travelling and do all the things you want to do, see the places you want to see before settling down and having a baby.

Just another thought....

Many of us here on the conception threads are older. And we naturally think others should do things the same way as we do. That's the way we're made.

So maybe you'd do well to post another thread in parenting or anti-natal or one of those. Just an idea....

I had DS a week after my 22 birthday. It was very hard, tbh. But I have been supporting myself since the age of 15 and so in some ways I was quite mature and ready for a responsibility of caring for another human being. I didn't plan to get preganant, btw.

You sound a bit like you just want a doll to play with, tbh. Are you really ready to have a year of broken nights, of having to be on call every moment of your life? To deal with tons of dirty nappies, with teething etc? With not having much time with your partner, because in the evening you'll be so tired all you'll want will be just to crawl between the sheets and hope for a few hours of sleep?

I guess if you have money, you can get a live-in nanny. But children are very demanding and you have to give a lot of your time and attention and love. It really is 24/7.

You are not too young to want OR have a baby, but you are being very niave in thinking a baby will fill the void in your life

get a cat

Money really has nothing to do with it, I was in the same position as you, but it was still good to experience life independent from your parents first. Money helps when you have a baby, we were fortunate and able to solve some things by throwing some money at the problem, but it doesn't solve everything. Becoming an established author will no doubt take quite some focus.

Agree you don't need to wait until your thirty, but believe me, the 25 yo mothers at playgroups look just as knackered!! We're not quite past it yet, hee hee!

I don't think you sound mature. That isn't meant as an insult, but you sound like a 20 year old.

I agree with the others - you should look at getting a job or something else to fill your time. Find something you are really interested in and if after that you still want a baby, then you know you are not trying to fill a gap in your life.

You can afford to wait 5 - 10 years and still be having a baby young while you have loads of energy for it.

I had my first at 29 and I felt so young and inexperienced at times. Frankly the thought of me having had a baby at 20 is terrifying!

I had my DD at 20.

I love her to bits and I wouldn't change her for the world but if I could guarantee that I would get the same DD ten years later I would have waited.

I never did my A levels, never went to uni, never learnt to drive, never been abroad.

I did the partying, getting drunk stuff from about 14 so I'd outgrown that by the time I got pregnant so that wasn't an issue.

But things like holidays, learning to drive etc are much more expensive once you have children. Fair enough you are financially stable.

You say you have travelled alot but have you travelled alot with your DP? Built memories with him? Done stuff together that you want to do?

Try establishing your career as an author before you have children. Going to interviews and meetings is ten times harder when you have to try and juggle childcare.

A year living with your DP really isn't that long at all. A baby is a huge strain on your relationship even for the strongest couples.

Personally I'd be concerned that you'd have to "persuade your partner", rather than your age. I had my babies at 31, 33 and am due in 4 weeks (36) One of my closest friends had her babies at 22, 23 and 26. I sometimes look at her and think she'll only be 40 when her youngest is 14, she can almost live her life over again whereas at 40, my youngest won't even be at school but she got married very young and made a conscious decision to have her children young.

She is no less knackered than me. I'll be honest I wish I had my children a little younger but it wasn't to be. But you need to be so solid in your relationship and positive that you both want this. Babies aren't great company, neither are toddlers and small children to be honest.

i am 32 and have been with my partner for 12 years, we have now an 8 months old baby who we love and are very happy with... but...
a baby does not complete the package, it breaks it at least for a long while, dh works long hours as i am on maternity, we don't sleeo, i hardly eat anything other than toast, and the first few months, when he got home i gave him the baby and collapse in my bed, i say mine, because he hardly ever got to use it at the same time i did... it is hard and you need a strong partnership and knowing what is coming to survive as a couple.
i am not going to tell you wheather your circunstances are right to have a baby, only you know that, only if you do, know what you are doing, and what the implications are, it is not a doll you can just turn off to have your birthday dinner, or xmas dinner, i spent that feeding and trying to get him to sleep, i hardly ate anything and interact with anyone, and i have a very hands on partner who makes sure that doesn't happen...much.

how lucky to own your own home at 20 ....

my advice , especially as your partner is not keen, is to wait.

you are 20, finish your degree , finish uni and then re assess

if you are lonely and looking for something ot fill your time, try some voluntary work.. maybe something with children /children related , maybe with underprivileged children

The age thing is almost irrelevant, the two main things aer your partner is not keen and you are bored.

you can be bored and lonely with a baby..it is not all fun and games and having someone to love

you fancy wokring from home as an author? great.. try doing it in 1 hour bursts, having had no sleep, or with a poorly child dangled on your knee, with no breaks

you have a very idealised notion of motherhood, whihc is not a bad thing per se, but you also need the support of a partner.. examine why yuou need this for you.. think about the baby you are wanting to bring intot he world

there can be few situations lonelier than as a single mum with no friends and no partner, doing it all 24/7 , alone

while you are independent and financially secure, fill your time with things,. i can think of so mcuh I would love to do, if i didn't have to fit children and work and houseowrk etc into the day

I say that you should finish your degree, putting your focus into your studies. Spend the time left over from that doing the things that become hard when pregnant or with a small baby. Let the obsession fade a bit.

Look at your circumstances when you have graduated. If it all looks workable then, then that would be a better time to try.

I want to re-iterate that my mum and my close friend were excellent mums. As kids, although we didn't have loads of money, she was amazing. I wanted to be a young mum becuase of her example. And my close friend sounds like you - in that she has always wanted children and that's what she did. She says its the best thing.

I have plenty of other friends too, who are young mums.

What is right for one person isn't always right for someone else.

There is a difference between 'wanting a baby' which sounds like wanting another accessory and 'wanting to be a mother' which is where you should be. I was always broody, always wanted to be a mother and never had much ambition to do anything else. I waited until I was 24, had a house and a loving partner before we started trying for a baby and I think that at 24 I had more to offer a child emotionally and materialistically then if I had been 20. I feel I made the right decision by waiting for a bit longer and I am absoloutley loving it.

It does sound like you want a baby to fill a gap so why don't you say to yourself that you will wait another year and in the meantime find another passion, if after a year you still feel the same way and your circumstances are good then go for it.

As others have said, you are not too young to want a baby, but you are at the wrong point in your life to have a baby.

Finish university, get your degree, start working. When you are comfortable at your job and feel you can go back to it after maternity leave then have your baby.

Otherwise, it is very likely that you will not finish university, and will not be working for a good few years, either.

Then, when your baby is in school, where do you think you will work, with no degree and no work experience?

I second the "get a cat" recommendation.

Also, make friends, read books, stay up all night talking with girlfriends. All those things that you will not have time to do once you do have a baby.

Finish your degree - you have spare time so there is no excuse for you not to get a first. STUDY!