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Conception

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Original poster

Am I too young to want a baby?

67 replies

broodyelle · 18/01/2011 13:20

I am desperate for a baby!! I am twenty and at uni. I spend all my time researching baby related things, writing lists, looking a maternity clothes. I am baby obsessed! I have lived with my boyfriend now for over a year and I guess I just want a baby now complete the package! I think what has mad me want one the most is that my partner has left uni and got a full time job, before we spent all day together and now I am still at uni and at home most of the day on my own, I am getting so lonely and only have 6 hours of lectures a week! Surely it is the perfect timing for a baby! It is going to be hard to persuade my partner as he is not sure about having a baby so young, but I need this for me!!!

OP posts:

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 18/01/2011 19:52

I agree it's not an age thing. It's a 'you're midway through a degree and might feel differently when you're done thing'. Studying and pregnancy is hard, studying and having a child is probably harder! Make the most of your current freedom and TTC when you graduate. You're 20 so it'll probably be a year, 2 tops.

The3Bears · 18/01/2011 19:52

I dont think you are too young to have a baby, I had ds when I was 19. However I would wait until your partner is fully on board as it seems like its only you that wants a baby from your op. You dont want to have a baby together and completley drift apart and him hate you for what he feels has ruined his life, I think its him you should be talking to tbh.

The age thing isnt a bad thing in my opinion, I wouldnt have changed when I had ds although I would have liked to have been able to save more as trying to save for a house deposit and a wedding with a 3 yr old is tough enough :)

Just talk to your partner and really think about what a commitment a baby is you cannot just get rid of it if your bored, just make sure you want one for all the right reasons :) good luck

snowmash · 18/01/2011 19:53

I don't think age has anything to do with it either - second whoever said about where you are in your life.

Now (i.e. uni) is the time that lots of people spend loads of time with friends...I know my relationship with my 'uni' friends (as opposed to 'course', 'profession', 'post-uni etc) is very different - and seems long lasting, perhaps because of the hours spent with them (despite 30-35 hours of lectures a week ;) ).

That said, do you have a personal tutor or student advice centre at your uni - they should be able to give you some advice on what a planned baby during your final year might entail.

I do know know people who've done degrees with DCs (lived in those uni flats, so babysat a lot), but it was very different, and generally involved extensions/compromise.

EricNorthmansMistress · 18/01/2011 19:58

It's not about age! It's about motives, emotional state and life stages. OP has a chance to finish her degree and get a career. I have friends (3 close friends) who all had DCs young, before getting their educations and careers sorted. They have all gone back to uni and studied in the evenings after the DCs are in bed, struggled and strived and still find it hard to get on the career ladder due to being out of employment for several years. They all state that (if they could guarantee the same DCs :) ) they would have sorted that before having children. It's foolish to throw that away IMO.

Also - when I was OP's age I would often get a strong urge to have a baby, it would pass and I would look back and realise I was feeling lonely/unfulfilled/insecure/unsure and was seeing a baby as a role and purpose for me. That is not a good reason to have a child, again, only my opinion...

trixymalixy · 18/01/2011 20:12

I don't think you realise the reality of having a baby. It is bloody had work. You can't just go out to the cinema or to the gym when the fancy takes you. Your time is not your own, having children is relentless, you don't get a lot of time to yourself and it is a huge huge responsibility.

I had my first at 30 and the change to my lifestyle was a huge shock. I even felt like I was too young and wish I had done more beforehand.

Seriously, finish your degree and live your life.

ilovesprouts · 18/01/2011 20:17

if you want a baby go for it its your body and your choice

wouldliketoknow · 18/01/2011 20:32

i am studying with a baby, i am 32 and gone back to uni, in my 2nd year i thought not too tough, i'll be home a lot and be able to study lots, i knew a baby was hard work but i was going to study while the baby sleeps

reality check

i have never been so behind in my studies, my marks are good but not as brilliant as they should be, my baby does not sleep during the day, and at night i am so tired i can't even read, let alone study. i am tired and behind because i had a baby and is hard doesn't cut it as a reason for extenssions with my tutors.

if i was 20 with only one more year to go, i would wait, think about it a year is not long, it will be much easier to finish and then get pregnant, going back to uni in your 30s is not easy neither fun, i have to work too, in the mean time you can research a bit about babies, lack of sleep, breastfeeding, development and all that, so you can be more prepare when the time comes.

shouldnotbehere · 19/01/2011 15:01

My best friend had a baby on her placement from uni, at 21 years old. She still finished her degree looking after baby (got a 2:1), she then got a full-time job when her daughter was a year old. She married the father of her baby, and had a second baby at 26. She had nine months off work second time, and is now working full-time. It can be done, and she and her DH have no regrets. This friend is the most driven person I know, and a lovely mum, and very career orientated. She has sent her daughter to a private school, and plans to do the same for second child. She has lots of help from both her parents and DH parents.

I've been broody since I first met DH at 20 years old. He insisted we got a home together, married, and saved money first etc. We will start trying about nine years after we first met.

I would loved to have had children young, but not without DH's agreement. I think you should do what feels right for you. My mum was a mum at 24 and has never had any regrets.

ThatllDoPig · 19/01/2011 15:07

Have loads of fun first, travel, be selfish, focus on YOU. Having a baby is great, but you've got all the time in the world, and your twenties should be about fun and freedom and exploring who YOU are, not another little human.

Sounds like you will be a fab mum, but why rush it!

MrsBananaGrabber · 19/01/2011 15:34

Well really your twenties are the optimum time to have a baby if you want one, not everyone wants to put it off and end up struggling to get pregnant into their 30's.....when did it become the done thing to look down on women who want babies when their fertility is at it's peak because they may miss out god knows what.....if you don't want one that is absolutly fine but if you do and you have the means to take care of the baby then why not..........my only problem with you OP is that your partner isn't keen. I had my DS at 20, dropped out of uni, did a photography course a few years later and now have my own business, I live abroad and have NEVER been held back by having my children, yes it's hard but my life is so rich with my 3DC's......sometimes you just have to carve your own path.

Sproglet · 20/01/2011 10:06

Right here is my story......I was 22 when I had my first DS, I had finished my education and had a job, we weren't married but had a house together my DH is my soul mate...having my first then was the best descion I ever made,he was a happy accident in the sense we didn't use contreception and both agreed if and when we fell pregnant it would be fine with us!4 yrs later I had my DD now 6yrs later we are TTC #3 I am now 34. It has never got in the way of my life I now run a successful business which fits around my children, they don't have to fit around me, loved having the time to be able to have bigger age gaps between and glad that I will be in my late Forties, early fifties when I could have my first Grand Children.
The only thing I will say is that be sure you really love your partner before making this big choice.Some relationships can break down if you have children too early as you haven't have had your own time to get to know each other before sprogs come along. Me and my DH adore each other and look forward to our time together when we are older and the children are happy and settled.Good Luck !
Oh and I forget to say we finally got married in 2006 and I love the fact that my children were in our wedding photos with us !!!xx

HotSprocket · 20/01/2011 10:27

I think the main issue isn't age it is how happy and secure you are in your relationship. I would not choose to have a baby because i was lonely or bored. Babies don't say much and it can be very isolating.

I fell pregnant at 22 unexpectantly. Me and exDP were in a very happy relationship but it deterioated and I am now a single parent with an 8 month old. She is amazing, but i would not have planend to have got pregnant when i did.

I have found it hard being a 'young mum'. Yes, i have then energy to look after her and be up all night but people manage that in their 30's/40's too. Where i live most mums are in their 30's, married with a career. I have found it very hard to fit in and have been very lonely at times. Any friends i had before i had dd are still at the partying/going out stage so i have very little in common with them now.

FreudianSlipIntoMyLaptop · 20/01/2011 10:34

20 is not too young to have a baby FFS. That is patronising shit. I had my first at 20 (planned) and I'm really glad I had her young.

But.

It is completely unreasonable to expect your partner to come round on this. If he doesn't want a baby yet you cant force him.

HotSprocket · 20/01/2011 11:33

I didn't mean my post to be patronising. I was just sharing my experience.

FreudianSlipIntoMyLaptop · 20/01/2011 12:59

Lol hotsprocket I didn't mean you! :)

I just get really sick of the way some people assume that no 20yo is ready for parenthood. I'll stop now before I rant more :o

JobCarHouseNoBaby · 04/02/2011 20:11

It's interesting reading this thread. I am 25, own a house (mortgage), got a degree, got a good job and in a stable relationship with my partner of 7 years (not married).

Despite all of these 'ticks in the boxes' my immediate family/peers think I'm bonkers to be broody. Yet to other people I'm sorted!

I think that having a baby is one of the most important decisions we can make as women. Forget the nappies and late nights, we will be MOTHERS. Which means caring for another, teaching them, worrying about them, buying things for them rather than ourselves, putting them first instead of us. Unfortunately, the tone of your first and subsequent posts read as if your reasons for wanting a baby are for your own self-satisfaction.

That said, if you follow in my footsteps and get the degree, car, house etc there are new social expectations to meet. So there truly will never be a right time to have a baby, but I reckon you're on the right lines when you want to be a Mother, not want to have a baby.

knittymum · 04/02/2011 20:51

I was 21 and in my final year of uni when I found out I was expecting DS1. He was completely a surprise, and it took me a while to get over the shock of being pregnant, and it took DH a while to adjust as well. Our families initially weren't happy, but came around by the time I was about half way through. I had DS1 a week after I finished lectures and did my exams when he was 4 months old. I've not pursued a career, choosing to be a SAHM instead and have a part time job. And it was the best thing I ever did. Once DH (then boyfriend) got over the shock, he was completely supportive and has been a superb father from the very first moment. I suffered from mild PND, but then that could have happened had I been ten years older (as I am now!) and living in a mansion (which I'm not!).

It's hard for any of us to say what you should or shouldn't do, because we don't know you and all the details properly. It worked for us I think because we knew we were staying together forever, and also had mentioned that we'd like to have children at some point in the future. I haven't missed the typical 20's stuff at all, as I'm much more of a homebody than a pubber and clubber, and am happy to wait and do my travelling when I'm in my forties or fifties with my husband and we can do it in some style!

I hope it all works out for you and that you are happy with your choices. x

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