Good things come to those who wait...and wait...and wait!!! All aboard, we're IIT!

[bebejones]

Old thread here

Make yourselves at home everyone. Jake & George are just loading everyone's 'baggage'!

Good point AC.

I don't know about anybody else but my DH sometimes doesn't think about things even if he knows it's something I want to talk about. He'll avoid the issue but also avoid thinking about it, so can't explain himself properly even when I do manage to corner him!

The annoying thing is, if he loves your DD and you as much as it sounds like he does, if you did have a happy accident it sounds like he'd probably just accept it and be glad about it. But obviously you can't trap him into it! Perhaps he needs to digest the talk you had, and he might feel differently when he's calmed down a bit. Whatever the outcome of his thinking, you will sort this out - you're obviously committed to doing that, and I'm sure he is too.

You could try ringing the Samaritans or this one: Family Contact Line and Family Centre 0845 120 3788 if you want to talk to someone impartial.

Thank you so much, all of you! You have been so supportive today, & I really didn't want to bring the thread down.

I've not totally given up hope yet. I am really struggling to see our future as a family of just three!

We have kept all of DDs baby stuff...on DHs say so. His decision to keep the cot/moses basket/rocker etc

Just feel in limbo more than ever right now!

We just hope you are ok. Don't worry about using the thread for exactly what it's designed for!

Oh Bebe

Sorry I've not been on before now. I have had a hugely busy weekend and have just logged on in the office this morning and seen your post and all the responses to it.

It is fantastic that you have such great support online here. Especially as you feel that you aren't able to speak to anybody in RL about it. The advice from everybody so far has been excellent and I am sure that there is not much more that I can add but here are my thoughts. They ,ay not be the right advice for you but here goes anyway?..

1. It is good that this is now out in the open. Whilst it may feel awful and have been a complete bombshell that has both shocked and upset you, it is better to have diuscussed this now and a lot better than not knowing.

2. Whilst some may considere it unfair to force your DH into having another DC when he doesn't want one, isn't it equally unfair to force you into not having one when you really want one?

3. With regards to the seperation issue... that is such a hard thing to even begin to contemplate. I know that I love my DH with all my heart but if he told me that he absolutely did not want children ever then I would be completely torn as to what to do. Knowing that we had such completely opposite views on something so massive would make me question the relationship and I think if we stayed together then I would spend the rest of the marriage bitter that I had been deprived of something I so desperately wanted. I am fortunate to not be in this situation (at the moment but with DH's changing views every 3 months or so I could well be here in the future) but it would be so hard to get my head straight and make a decision if I was. I can only image how you are feeling and I suppose that the thing you ahve to weigh up in your mind is "will you resent him forever for preventing you from having more DCs or can you focus on enjoying him and your DD?"

4. With an issue where there are no options to compromise then it is really tough. One person will always be happy to get their way and the other will be upset and probably bitter that they haven?t got what they wanted. When it is something as fundamentally important as a child then the issue becomes even more heated and emotional. If you had discussed having a large family (I am assuming that this is what you and he initially wanted) and now he says that he just wants DD and no more then the obvious ?compromise? would eb to settle for 2 DCs??? however from what you have said so far this is not looking like it is going to be something he is amenable to.

5. On another separation note??. If you feel that you are too in love with him to leave him over him saying no to DC?s when you have so many reasons for wanting them, is he going to leave you if you (using his words now) ?bully? him into having another?

6. You mentioned that your DH is depressed. I think Quod may well have hit the nail on the head about him not feeling able to be a good enough father/provider etc. I know that when I suffered hugely with depression and an eating disorder I was certain of the fact that I did not want children ever because I didn?t want to pass on my ?faulty? genes and risk having children that suffered from depression or eating disorders etc etc etc. Once I had learnt how to manage the issues (and it has been 4 years since I stopped taking my medication now) I knew that my experiences would make me so aware when we do have DCs that I don?t need to worry about ?faulty genes?. Maybe by getting him to a councellor for his depression and also going to marriage guidance to help the two of you work through the issues with having further DCs will help you come to a conclusion that you can both life with.

Finally ? and I know that the moral issues surrounding what I am about to say are cloudy at best and it is probably something that most people would see as horrific but I am going to say it anyway because it is probably what I would find myself doing in this situation through desperation????????? If you will be unhappy without further DCs and you know that it will eat away at your marriage and ruin what you have together then why not make an accident happen??

Whatever decision you make I am sure that it will be the right one for you and your family. In the meantime I am sending in Jake and George with a big slice fo chocolate cake and a mug of mulled wine.

xxx

ps - sorry the post is so long.....

morning all, bebe hope your ok

Morning all.

Oh bebe, I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through this weekend. It's a horrible situation to be in and not one that has an easy answer. For me when that situation came up I was not married, there were no other children to take into consideration and there were other underlying factors in the relationship that made things easier for me to make a decision. So by saying what I did, doesn't mean it is right for everyone, and it's by no way an easy thing to do even when there are other things to take into consideration. Me and my ex did split over the issue of having children, but it was about the 4th time we had split over something, and I knew the relationship wasn't as good as it appeared and looking back there are lots of other things that could have broken us, but the children issue was the straw that broke the camels back. It was still a really hard decision and one that was met with "well what if you don't find someone else?" I knew I needed to try. But I was me on my own and there wasn't the deep love that you have for your DH. Only I didn't see that at the time.

But he does need to realise that what he has said to you is not something that you can just brush aside and carry on as normal and he can't expect you to put on a happy face. And I'm sorry if that upsets him, but he has given you a massive shock, he needs to understand that while he has had all the time in the world to process the information, you were only told the other night and cannot just process it.

Now here is a really awkward question, and I'm really sorry to ask it, but it's something I had with my Ex. He is suggesting you separate and said he doesn't want kids. Is there something else that he isn't saying, is he as happy in the relationship as you are? Is he trying to find a way out? I'm really sorry to ask that. And I may be way off the mark. But my Ex knew that by talking about kids it would break us, and it did, and I am sure that there were other things for him that he wasn't happy about and he knew that was a way out for him. And I'm sorry if I am totally off the mark, or have spoken out of turn here. I don't mean to, I just want to make sure for you that it's only that issue, and not that he is having other doubts.

Either way bebe, I'm sorry you have been through a horrid weekend, I'm glad you now have some answers, even if it's not the answer you really wanted, but you can start to work through things now and decide what is best for you all.

Hugs and you will get through it.

Afternoon lovely ladies!

Trying to not think about it too much when he isn't around. Need to focus on doing my 'normal' things & if I think about it too much I'll just end up moping about. The more I dwell on it the more unfair I think he is being & that just isn't healthy.

I don't think he suggested separation over it to cover up another issue. His parents had a horrible relationship & subsequent break up when he was little & he was suggesting us separating as a solution to stop us from getting to the point where we hate each other like they did/do.

I doubt very much if he will ring his counsellor today, since he is at work.

To top it all off I have had a consultant appointment come through for my MS (was due to see him last Sept, but better late than never I guess!) I know DH will insit on coming as they are so important. But just feel like I can't go & tell him I stopped my meds to have a baby with DH sat there. Have told DH & he said we will chat about it later! :(

Just fed up of always being the one who compromises & gives up what I want. Engineering an accident would be a bit diffuclt as DH won't come to within 10ft of me at the moment as (in his words) he is too worried that I only want him, in that respect, to have a baby and he has lost his sex drive completely!!! It's not like I can magically get pregnant without him, so that is just never going to work!

Must focus on DD & starting my business venture up properly! Just hoping against all hope that things will change & that when he has time to digest what I said he might come round...slightly!

Don't want to hijack this thread with me me me though! So what has everyone else been doing over the weekend? How are you all? x

nonsense bebe you haven't hijacked the thread atall. We are all just hoping that things are resolved soon and that the solution makes you happy.

Damn Men!!!

I'm not being unreasonable to suggest that he thinks over what I want & considers the reasons I have given him before just dissmissing it am I?

I understand he is well within his rights to change his mind. I just don't understand how he can be the one suggesting to keep all the baby stuff in one breath & then in the next saying he doesn't want anymore kids, but doesn't want to get rid of stuff.

Plus he was always the one driving the issue of having a large family, I always always said 2, 3 at most. Now I feel a bit duped, bit like telling me I shall have a chinese for dinner, I look forward to it all day, then finding out at dinnertime there is no food at all.......but on a much bigger scale, obviously!

So not loving Monday!!
My entire body aches with this sodding 1/2 marathon training programme I am following and I am only 2 weeks into it!

I've done over 70km of walking and running in the last 7 days as well as a yoga class..... it had better be worth it!!

UADNBU at all.
It would be unfair (and quite selfish) of him to just make the decision based on his wants and not consider yours. Especially if he can't come up with any reasons why........ I just don't get it!

Make sure that he thinks it over and comes up with a reason behind why he has changed his mind and crapped all over dashed your hopes

No bebe UANBU. And you shouldn't even think that you have taken over the thread, we are all here for each other what ever the problem is, IIT :)

JS that's a high amount of walking and running for a HM training schedule in the second week.

Well my OH doesn't like the idea of me riding my bike outside now, when we discussed it before he had no problem with it, however I am now upduffed he really doesn't want me to. Luckily I have a turbo trainer so I can go on that indoors, I think he just wants to make sure me and Eggbert are safe. It was only 16 months ago that I was knocked off my bike and spent a while recovering.

JS - That is a lot of training! I ache just thinking about that much physical exertion!

100 - I wouldn't want to ride a bike upduffed, I think your OH is right to be wary of you doing it. And I say this as a car driver & definitely not a cyclist!

DH said that he spent my entire pregnancy thinking 'Shit, I'm going to be a dad' then has spent the last 2 years 5 months thinking 'Shit!! I am a dad!' He thinks he is rubbish at it, but he is the most natural parent & kids adore him. DD is such a daddy's girl & he is, and has always been, brilliant with her. I know he gets teased by his dad & his friends who think he is too rough with her, but she loves it & is a very feisty & tough little girl! Is this FOFF again?! I just don't understand it? Keep trying to think of what could be the problem & none of it makes sense to me!

I know!! I was supposed to have 2 rest days but did a 7k walk on one with DH and a 12k pub walk on the other so that is why it was so high this week!! Even so.... not looking forward to the PT session tonihgt.....

Been having some good chat with my yoga teacher about TTC. She is pretty keen but her DP is quite a bit younger so he's not keen yet. Nice to have someone else in RL the same situation!! After a few drinks on NYE she was saying how brilliant it would be if we were PG at the same time :)

Bebe - it really sounds as though your DH is letting his depression make him feel that he isn't good enough. I am sure that every parent has days where they doubt their ability and parenting but from what you have said he is fantastic and maybe he needs to see someone to talk through that and realise how great a Daddy he is?!

Can you train your DD to come out with phrases like this on a regular basis:

"Daddy you are the bestest Daddy in the whole wide world"

"Daddy when is my little sister/brother getting here"

"I love you lots and lots"

etc etc etc!!

She shrieks with delight every day when he gets home. Regularly cuddles up to him & says 'Daddy, I missed you today'! She tells him she loves him all the time. In fact, earlier today she cried coz she wanted to see him & I said we couldn't go to his office coz he was working! :( She loves babies, and I know she would love a sibling. Feel a bit helpless!

I'm back on the diet now (after the excess of Christmas) I know I ought to step up the exercise but my bloody hip is still not 'right'! Don't want to make it any worse! Trouble is with walking in the West-Country (as I'm sure you are aware) is the sneaky bloomin' hills! I grew up in East Anglia, or 'flat land' as my FIL calls it!!

Spent the morning with my friend & her little girl, same age as DD. She has a 4month old & DD kept giving her kisses & cuddles & saying, 'Ahhhhhhh, love baby!' :(

ARGH posted and then the site crashed!!

Bebe - well done to you for going and seing your friend and her newborn when you are feeling so miserable. I would probably have been crap adn postponed.

Also very impressive on the diet and exercise front (says me having chomped my way through a mountin of food already today!!!) I know what you mean about hilly walks in this area. However we found one on Sunday that sis a loop from an amazing pub in Monketon Farleigh with a truly FANTASTIC menu!! The loop is 12k but you could make it shorter and it is predominently flat with some spectacular views. Do you want me to send you a PDF of it?

Also - if you feel like meeting up in Bristol for a drink and rant/cry/moan etc then just shout as I can easily come and meet you when I finish work. It should only take me 15 mins to the centre of town and I finish at 5pm.

Keep strong xxx

Monkton Farleigh even!!!

Pub looks lovely! Miss going to the pub, not been since the summer! Might have to wait til the evenings are a bit lighter to meet up I think (hate driving in Bristol, the road layout has changed & I am easily confused). Especially with all the scary stuff going on in Bristol/Clifton at the moment. (That poor girl & her family, makes me feel so awful thinking about it) I would probably have to bring DD with me too, which might not be so good!

Had cancelled this meeting with my friend twice (well, one time I did & one time she did) so didn't think I could cancel again. Was quite nice to go & see the LO. Shes just got to that really cute smiley, interested in everything stage. :)

bebe don't worry about taking over the thread! It's good to talk things over :) I also don't think it's at all unreasonable for him to consider your views, like I said earlier there's no reason that his view is any more valid than yours. Although, sadly, having kids is one of those things where there's no real compromise - you either do or you don't.

100years can see why you aren't keen to cycle if you had an accident so recently. I am still cycling to work, but I have a nice easy route through the back streets, so fairly low risk for me. Would be more wary of the main roads now though.

js I'm impressed with the training so far! Don't think I've ever done that much in one week

I told my immediate boss today (he was just back from holidays). It's not an ideal time to happen at work due to our budget cuts and other stuff going on, but he was really nice about it. So that's a relief :) I'm hoping to keep it quiet from everyone else for a little while longer (mainly just because I don't like being gossiped about!)

Hope you're all well!

Are we all ready to watch One Born Every Minute? To my delight, DH has popped out to fix his uncle's outside light, so I can watch it!!

I am recording it! Think it's one to watch on my own! :(

Watching Glee instead!

There's a lot of screaming, Bebe, you might be put off - problem solved!

:o You never know!!

I don't think I did much screaming, did lots of 'Oww Oww Oww'!

Definitely not one to watch with DH though!

OMG. A lot of screaming in rather a hysterical fashion!!! Surely it can't be that horrific (she sounded like she was being murdered!!!!)