Good things come to those who wait...and wait...and wait!!! All aboard, we're IIT!

[bebejones]

Old thread here

Make yourselves at home everyone. Jake & George are just loading everyone's 'baggage'!

How can I understand why he doesn't want another baby if he can't give me a legitimate reason why it's not what he wants?!

It was discussed last night if he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't change his mind, whether or not I should leave so as to have another relationship with someone who did want children!! We both agreed we still love each other but that this issue could really end up making us resent each other & we don't want to get to that. The thing that scares me is, if I leave still in love with my DH & a few years down the line he meets someone else & has children with them, I would feel beyond awful. And there are no guarantees that I would meet anyone else anyway. Am I prepared to throw away a 9 year relationship for this? No, probably not. But it needs sorting coz it will only get worse. And let's face it, there aren't many blokes who would take on a divorced single mother with long term health issues!! Can't even comprehend leving DH, for me it just is a non issue.

Yes the thought has flitted through my mind before now but I find it hard to understand how people can actually bring themselves to leave their partner over this, particularly at an early enough stage to make another relationship a reasonable possibility. I've read lots of threads where people have recommended this course of action in an almost casual way, as though other potential partners are just queuing up ouside everyone's door desperate to step in and start reproducing!

And as if we are not desperately in love with out current DH!

Sorry that last bit just goes without saying in my mind, so I forgot to say it!

bebe- i am so sorry he will not giv u answers that must b the most frustrating thing not knowing y! do u think mayb its an answer he doesnt think u will like so wud rather not say, my DP used to tell me that he didnt want another one till r relationship was back on track we had a very tough first year with DD and its taking us a long time to recover from it, i cud understand his viewpoint but at the same time kept thinking are u seeing if were still together in a year, personally i think people r entitled to change there mind yes but when someone has married u on the premise of having a large family together u need to completly explain to them the reasons y u have changed your mind. Lets hope that the councillor helps sort out y he is feeling this way and enable u to get the answers u deserve. guess this is why he was putting of talking to u about it for so long.

I suggested so many things that could be the reason. Gave him plenty of opportunity to say if they were right.

I suggested that it was the 'baby stage' that he didn't like. - No. Just the first 2 weeks, when we hadn't got a clue! (Which obviously wouldn't be the case 2nd time round)

I suggested that it was work stresses - No. Family life keeps him going!

I suggested that maybe he just didn't want any more kids with me - No. Just doesn't want any full stop.

I suggested that maybe he doesn't want to upset the dynamic of our family. - No. He can see how another child could fit in & even be beneficial.

I suggested that it was deep down a financial worry. - No. He can see that the cost wouldn't initially be that high.

The only thing(s) I can think of are that a.The problems with his step sisters baby have rattled him alot and b.He gets alot of stick off people (usually his dad & his friends) that he doesn't 'know' what he is doing & can be irresponsible. He did say that he thinks I have a go at him for not doing things properly & I make him feel like he is a shit dad! He isn't at all! I do get frustrated with him, like if I ask him to change DD & he makes a fuss or takes 15mins to get up off the sofa to go and do it. Or if I ask him to go & get her up in the morning & it takes him 45 minutes to get up & go & get her! (Believe me, it happens & I get into trouble if I go & get her after 10mins if he hasn't moved!) He is a good dad, and DD adores him. He is always calm in a crisis & loves her so much it is really heartwarming.

Just have no idea where all this feeling of not wanting any more children has come from. And apparently my pros & cons list was designed to make him feel like crap! Erm....no...it was designed to help me rationalise things & suggest that it wasn't all a bad idea. He did conceed, in the end, that all my points were valid & that, yes, it did make the most sense to have a baby now...he just doesn't want to!!

hmmm but wot made him change his mind in the last 2 years, or did he say he has known for ages now that he did not want anymore.

MY DP is the same with chnging nappies and getting out of bed in the morning and we had a lot of arguements over the bed issue, we have now resolved these by on a sat he gets out of bed with her and takes her down, and on a sunday i do, altho she normally gets passed a cereal bar instead of a bowl of cereal when he gets up lol.

has he sed that he feels bad as he knows u always sed u didnt want DD to be an only child and knows how much u want another one?

I said I can't comprehend a life without him & I can't take DD away from her daddy. We have no other 'issues' other than this & still desperately love each other. I said that I would just have to learn to live with it & that it's a life lesson that you don't always get what you want. He said that I wouldn't possibly be able to do that & it's unfair of him to ask me to. If he can change his mind then why can't I? How can I jeopordise what we already have for a child who doesn't exsist?! It breaks my heart, but what can I do?

its a tough one not a lot u can do i supose except both try to understand how the other one is feeling, hopefully he will give u time to adjust to the idea. i definatly agree maybe a couple of days at your mums to clear your head could be a good idea, altho saying that a while ago i thought DP going to his dads for a couple of days wud be gud idea turned out it made things worse and took nearly a week for him to come back. it is a horrible situation for u to be in, i really hope u figure things out one way or another

bebe i wish i had something constructive to say or a majic wand to wave.

i do think some time away, perhaps at your mums would be a good idea though.

It has to happen now though, so typical. All DDs classes/groups start this week. Things for her are 'back to normal' I just don't feel like it's fair on her to take her away again. Plus my mum is going away on a course this week & it's DHs birthday next Saturday! Everything is just too complicated. I can't think straight. And he is trying to be all normal & wonders why I'm being distant & quiet. Can barely look him in the eye without welling up. Feel destroyed.

For ages he has been 'blaming' finances. Now things are improving it's not that that's the problem....so what the f**k is?!?! It really is a case of him moveing the goal posts all the time. And while it isn't a complete surprise that he said no, again, to TTC, his reasoning behind it is...in fact he has no reason! :(

I also don't know what to say. I think you need to speak to a counsellor and also maybe have a little time to yourself to process all this. Is your mum going away on a course for the whole week?

And don't worry about courses and groups, this issue is big enough and important enough to justify a change to DD's routine if you need time out. An impromptu visit to nanny's won't do her any harm.

bebe it sounds like this has really thrown you (which is perfectly normal!) and you both need some time to think things over.

FWIW, I think that just not wanting another child is an ok reason in itself. Plenty of women want children for no other reason than just wanting them, and that is fine too. That said, I think it is unfair of him to avoid the issue for so long, tell you no, and then expect you to carry on as normal. And I think it's unfair of him to make the decision, it should be something that you discuss together. What if this were some other big life-changing decision that you had different opinions on?

I am not advocating bullying anyone into anything they don't want to do, especially when it comes to something as important as having a child. But I do think that if you are seriously thinking about how to come to terms with not having another child, the least he could do is give proper consideration to having another. One partner taking such an important decision in a marriage and then refusing to budge is not a recipe for happiness. Maybe he still won't change his mind, but I'd rather know that my opinion was considered properly rather than rejected outright.

And if you do need to get away, I'm sure that missing a few classes will be okay with your DD.

Yes, my mum is away all week! DD hasn't had any 'actvities' for over a month now! Cabin fever setting in!

Just took her to church & come home & DH is all 'normal' and grumpy that I'm still a bit stand offish. How can he expect me just to forget all about it in less than 24hours?!

Just feel metally exhausted. I keep going over & over things in my mind. Not sure going away is the answer. DD doesn't know that there is a problem & DH will be at work most of the time in the week anyway. Just have no one to talk to about this in RL. As much as I talk to my mum about stuff, I just can't talk to her about this, about him suggesting sepration & the 'D' word. All over a child that doesn't even exist!

Squirrel - It is his complete lack of consideration for how I feel & what I want that is making me most angry. He spent ages last night saying we needed to talk about this & resolve things. But then didn't seem to consider the things I was saying & thus, yet again, nothing was resolved. His only solution is (because of course I am never going to be able to change my mind , apparently that is a given ) that if he cannot establish a reason for not wanting a child & therefore decide if it is just a short term blip or a long term permanent decsion, that we will have to seperate!

I'm so confused. If he is capable of changing his mind, then surely I am capapble of changing mine. If I can give him reasons why I think having another child is a good idea & beneficial to our family. Then surely he can give me reasons why we should stick at just one?! Maybe I am just expecting too much. Could almost see where he was coming from if we didn't have DD & if he hadn't always led me to believe that he wanted a large family. Last time we discussed this 4(ish) months ago, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted anymore children & he needed time. Then refused to talk about it, and now has decided that he pretty much is convinced he will not ever change his mind!

What you mean it's him suggesting separation, even though the status quo is exactly what he wants???

bebe I'd be the same - I like to think my DH would always consider my view as equal to his (and vice versa). I'd find it much harder to accept his decision if I felt he hadn't given consideration to my point of view.

Have you told him that separating isn't what you want to do? It seems to me like a knee-jerk reaction to stop him feeling guilty about denying you a second child, without actually having to talk through the decision with you.

I was thinking maybe he just feels that he's completely happy with his family the way it is.

I agree with whywait - if I went away in the same situation I'd just be stressing about what he was doing and about not being able to talk to him about it. (but, as whywait said, that's just me.) You might need to let the dust settle and give it another try in a bit, maddening as that may be. He might change his mind over some months. If not, and you don't want to leave him (and I think I'd think the same as you - I couldn't ever imagine leaving my DH), then you'll just have to reconcile yourself to having no more children. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and you probably know this already...!

I think AC's advice is great, too - I agree that, upsetting as this is, it's still progress as you've started addressing it between you. Things as big as this never get sorted out in one evening anyway, but you've made a good start in that process. At least he's not avoiding the issue any more.

Sorry for not being helpful... I'm not sure what to say... just that as whywait said we are here if you need us!

Yes, separation was his suggestion. Because we can't possibly continue with the marriage if we want different things. He changed his mind & decided against having more children, for whatever reason. So maybe I just need to reconcile myself to that & get on with it?! How can I abandon my marriage over a child that isn't here, and throw away an otherwise good relationship & deny DD her daddy?! To me, that is just bonkers!

I don't think I can go to my mums, I'll just be fretting all the time & it'll upset me more when DD asks to see daddy! :(

I just need to him to fully take on board what I said to him & consider it. I've tried so hard to be supportive of what he wanted all along. If I'd had things my way we would have been TTC a year ago , when quite frankly things would have been far easier on me! But, he didn't feel ready & I didn't push it! My reasons go beyond just wanting to have a baby. I'm thinking of the bigger picture & what is best for our family & my health in the long term. Don't want another night like last night again tonight. Feel drained!

AC - I asked if it was coz he didn't want to upset our family dynamic & he said it wasn't that!

bebe I'm so sorry you are going through this. There has been lots of good advice and I agree with the others who have suggested staying put for the time being. I think your OH needs to come to realise how much this has upset you and you need to keep the lines of communication open IMHO.

I also think that seeing a counsellor yourself might be a good idea so you can talk things through in RL with someone you can be completely honest with.

Hope you start to feel better soon bebe, we are all here for you, I wish I could do more to help

He's probably scared you might leave him and wanted to prompt you to tell him you don't want that.

Bebe, really sorry to hear that your discussions haven't gone well, I was really hoping they would. I can understand in some way what you're going through, as discussions on the issue with my DP on holiday reached the same kind of horrible dead-end several times, and in a similar way we've been forced to look at whether there's a point we decide not to be together anymore if we want different things. (These issues are still rumbling on without resolution) It's terrifying and horribly destabilising in our situation and I can only imagine it's worse when you are married with a child in the equation.

I think people above have said some really sound things. I'd echo WhyWait and say that you shouldn't have to dance around the fact that you feel really sad to him - it's fine to say, honestly, that you're feeling terribly overwhelmed by what's happening between you and that's why you're appearing to be silent/'off'/whatever. You're not intentionally punishing him.

Echoing Squirrel too that unfortunately if someone doesn't want a child, then that choice has to be respected, but equally, he should do everything in his power to make that choice an OK thing for both of you, together. You need to understand that choice, so he needs to put the emotional work in to provide you with some sort of explanation to help you to an understanding. (Yes AC we are def right on this one).

Maybe his suggestion of separation is because he doesn't feel good enough for you, feeling the way he does? Just because separation has been mentioned, doesn't mean it's anywhere near needing to be a reality. Maybe there's something good from having that alternative life possibility out in the open, even if neither of you wants to take it?

The final thing I wanted to say (and again, I'm no psychologist) was that I wonder if your DH's depression is underlying his feelings on this? If he feels (even without logical reason) inadequate, unsure of his ability to provide for you because of the financial issues, frequently stressed, under pressure, and/or frightened of your potential illness/the illness of a child (however irrational those fears) - well, those aren't the conditions that make you full of hope and optimism and eager to bring a new life into the world. On a purely animal level, stressed animals don't breed! Maybe that might be oversimplifying, and it certainly can't help you with your frustration - but maybe those feelings might also change in the future?

Final final thing - don't worry about spouting off on here, it's what we're all here for.