Prepare the Gruffalo!!! :(
Had a 3 1/2 hour 'chat' last night (which mainly involved me in floods of tears). DH has said that he just doesn't want anymore children at all. But he doesn't know why! 
I can't really process this without him giving me a reason why & he says he just doesn't know & has no reason for it. He thought it was down to money, but has come to realise that it isn't that. He has agreed to ring his counsellor on Monday to see if he can talk it through & 'get some answers'. But he says he doesn't know if or when he will feel any different.
I'm in pieces, just don't know what to do with myself at all. I feel so selfish that it is my desire that is driving this wedge between us. He said it was the permanant 'elephant in the room' and admitted that he changed the conversation or ignored me when he thought I was bringing it up. If I wait 5 years, or 10 years to see if he changes his mind then he still feels the same I will probably have missed the boat as far as my MS is concerned. There were even talks last night of separating!
I know I ought to be grateful that I have DD & she is incredible & I adore her (even when she drives me mad)! So many people in this world would give their right leg to have what I have. But I was an only child, and while I never wanted for anything, I was always lonely. My parents, as wonderful as they were, always did 'their thing' & I always fitted in with it. When my dad got sick it was so hard for me coz no one else felt how I felt about it. Knowing that I am ill, and that there might never be a cure/treatment, and that I could reach a point where I have a steady decline, how can I put the burden of myself soley on DD? DH says, she won't be alone, that she'll have him, but it's not the same. :(
Just don't know what to do. Might go to my mums for a bit & get some space. I need him to work out why it is he has done a complete 180. Before we married he always wanted a large family. He even admitted that if we had just done it a year ago, instead of putting it off for the financial reasons that he thought were the issue, we probably wouldn't be having these problems now. (We'd probably have a baby!!) Part of the problem, in my mind, is that is has now become such a big issue, that he feels it is too difficult to deal with. Because of the planning & preparation that is now involved for me there is a complete lack of sponteneity & an 'accident' just isn't really possible. (Well it is, but now he knows I want a baby his sex drive has beatena hasty retreat )
Just don't know what to do. :( Sorry for the long rambling, I could go on & on but I think I've probably bored & depressed you all enough!