Tell me your stupid/funny/YANBU in the slightest Xmas anecdotes

[SCARYspicemonster]

A few years ago, my sister decided to host xmas at her house for the first time ever. My sister who has never cooked for more than about six people before is now making Xmas dinner for 14 - all my family (so sisters and husbands and kids) and her MIL who is fairly witchy. MIL says she will bring starter of her choice.

A few days before, MIL says her even witchier sister is going to come too (these are both women in their 70s incidentally).

On the day, MIL turns up with the starter (which she chose). Quails eggs, uncooked so in the middle of trying to prepare food for 5,000 we have to find a pan and a ring to cook the eggs. And then my sister go 'What do you mean you don't have any celery salt?' She also brought a side of smoked salmon, unsliced. She forced my BIL to slice it and then stood behind him the whole time shrieking 'no, no, that's nowhere near thin enough!'

Witchy sister did absolutely sod all. Didn't bring anything, didn't help, just sat there, pursed lipped. Referred to my niece as 'that girl' as in 'get that girl to fill your glass up'. And complained about the food. Loudly 'These bloody carrots are awful!' 'God knows why anyone bothers with turkey, dry as old boots'

So that was the last time they were invited. How about you?

Come on you lot! It's Friday night and I'm bored

Will this do you?

DS nipped his willy in a pair of nutcrackers on Boxing Day last year. He was trying to crack a walnut for DD and put the crackers between his legs for extra purchase...

Yes, yes that's brilliant

Come on the rest of you shirkers!

first christmas I had to host with newborn pfb. I grilled the turkey for 3 hours before realising, even the fire alarm didn't sound. for the last 6 christmas' DH reminds me this is why I won't be cooking again

Worst ever Christmas, at PIL, SIL arrived for lunch 2 hours late, we had to wait for her as though she was the bloody queen of sheba so all totally starving (and drunk a bit tipsy by now). Get a plateful of now mushy veg, dried mains etc. MIL is sat with nephew (her grandson) aged about 1 trying to force feed him said mush etc, after a few minutes he projectile vomited across the table

Mine is quite sweet really. PIL don't drink much, so every Christmas FIL buys a bottle of Blue Nun (yes, really!) and SIL and DH and I buy a couple of bottles of something drinkable more to our taste. EVERY year we go through this ritual:

(at the dinner table)
FIL: Shall I open a bottle of wine?
Chorus: Oh yes
FIL: Which one shall I open? I think I will have a glass of the Blue Nun, I love liebfraumilch, it has such a mellow flavour. I have always loved German wine etc etc.
SIL, DH and me: Hmmmm, shall I have a glass of Blue Nun?
DH: Actually, I quite fancy a sparkling wine. Maybe I will have one of those first and then come back to the Blue Nun.
Me: Yes, that sounds good. I always think sparkling wine goes with roast potatoes/gravy/bread sauce (I try to rotate these)
SIL: Oh you have tempted me now. Shall I have Blue Nun or the sparkling? Well it would be a shame to open the sparkling and let it go flat so perhaps I will have that and go back to the Blue Nun after.
FIL: MIL, you will have Blue Nun won't you?
MIL: Yes but just a small glass, you know how giggly I get.

We do this every year, and every year there is a lot of Blue Nun left and we spend the whole of Boxing Day trying to pretend that we have drunk too much the day before to be able to manage any more wine.

Once my grandad spent the whole year before christmas making his very own 'home brew', god knows what it was, but it was POTENT.

He unleashed it on christmas day before the whole family (about 20 of us) had Dinner, and was determined that everyone had a glass of it. Most of us, of course pretended to drink it, after the first sip which nearly b lew our heads off, managed to get rid of it in some way. However my cousins and uncle and brother in law, fared less well. Less than an hour later, 2 cousins were carried out, followed by my uncle and driven home by a very pissed off auntie. My other cousins fell asleep in their christmas dinner, only to wake up a few hours later with food all over their faces. My gran still hasnt let my grandfather forget it, he killed christmas that year!

I cooked christmas dinner for first time 2 years ago for DH's family and us.

I worked night shift christmas eve, came home feverish and feeling like shit, coughing and sneezing...horrible.

DS's start complaining of feeling unwell, temperatures all round. I continue cooking christmas dinner between coughing fits.

DH's family turn up and devour nibbles.

4pm dinner is served. By this time I feel really shit and ds's are looking pretty ropey. No-one is really hungry because of quantity of nibbles consumed then to really put people off their dinner, DS1 kindly throws up into his

DS1, DS2 and I all slink off to bed, having raging temperatures and DH proceeds to get mightily pissed drunk with his family.

I was ill for the next 3 weeks, ds's for a few days....Never again.