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Christmas

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Original poster

clash of traditions -trouble already!

80 replies

themulledmanneredjanitor · 16/12/2008 22:04

pil moved abroad when i was pregnant with ds2. ds1 was very young too.
so we have always had christmas at home or at my parents house and our tradition is..they wake up and have their stockings in bed, then we go downstairs and open the presents.usually about 7.am!

this year-pils are in the uk for christmas and are hosting christmas. and we are going to spend it with them.

they want to adhere to the tradition that they had when dh was a child. you have your stocking. then you come downstairs-have breakfast, tidy up, get showered and dressed, get the dinner in the oven and then when everyone is sitting down with a gin and tonic-you can open presents.

i think it would HUGELY unfair on my children to do this t them. they have done christmas a certain way their whole lives and now , we are going to bring them downstairs, show them a load of gifts and say 'but you can't open them yet'

if they were 12 or something then fair enough, they would be able to understand but they are not. they are 5 and 8 and so excited.

so what is the solution?

OP posts:
TeenyTinyTorya · 17/12/2008 22:31

We always had Santa presents when we woke up, presents from Mum and Dad before lunch, and then opened gifts from relatives after lunch. Spreads it out a bit.

I'm sure if your dc have had some presents when they get up, they can wait until a little bit later to open the others.

piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 22:32

I am not awake enough to do turns and lists before breakfast!

Original poster
themulledmanneredjanitor · 17/12/2008 22:37

i think i should leave this now because i am actually getting quite irate! and that is always a bad sign!(have you seen [[http://blogs.technet.com/photos/gray_knowlton/images/2998979/original.aspx this cartoon?])

we will have to reach some sort of compromise obviously. i will talk to mil when i see her on the 23rd.

OP posts:
vesela · 17/12/2008 22:37

Lots of people travel that far at Christmas!

"it's just 2 adults. why does it really matter to them what time the children open their presents?"

Because adults have feelings too... especially grandparents. They'd like to see the children open their presents, without having to get up at 7.30 on Christmas Day when they're probably knackered from preparations the day beforehand, have a really quick shower etc. etc. so they can be there at 8am.

I can understand you feeling at their moving away, but I don't get why you want them to be up so early on Christmas Day when it's they who are the hosts.

Original poster
themulledmanneredjanitor · 17/12/2008 22:37

this

sorry-poor link !

OP posts:
Original poster
themulledmanneredjanitor · 17/12/2008 22:39

yes grandparents who are involved in their grandchildrens lives! who are there for the bad times as well as the good!

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mazzystartled · 17/12/2008 22:41

I honestly don't imagine they will upset mmj. They are not going to remember exactly what happens in what timeframe - and if they do they will cope. So long as they get presents at some point.

Maybe don't put the presents out until just before opening time or something if you think it's just to tantalising? And plan a Chrsitmassy activity - get invloved in kitchen prep, play a game, to pass the time whilst the pils get in the movd?

Original poster
themulledmanneredjanitor · 17/12/2008 22:44

but i don't put the presents out-how am i going to explain what santa has done with them. 'er yes kids-santa has been but he has hidden the gifts and told me not to bring them ut until gran says it's ok to open them'?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 22:45

I thought they were opening the stockings from Santa and saving the presents from family?

Original poster
themulledmanneredjanitor · 17/12/2008 22:47

right-medium is on so i am logging off. thank you for listening to me moan and telling me i abu. i disagree but never mind!

OP posts:
OhLITTLEFISHofBethlehem · 17/12/2008 22:48

At TMMJ - therein lies the problem if you tell children that Santa brings the big presents, rather than just the stocking presents

mazzystartled · 17/12/2008 22:49

ah, see the problem - didn't understand - santa only brings stockings in our house, presents are from people [only because i am trying to futureproof expectations a bit]

no that won't work

but honestly, i reckon they won't mind as much as you fear, especially if there is something to take their mind off it - plan a game or go out or buy a game that is complicated and involved and keep them occupied - and surely their gps will want to be hanging out with them?

vesela · 17/12/2008 22:59

that's a great cartoon!

TeenyTinyTorya · 17/12/2008 23:09

That's now my desktop background, TMMJ - thanks!

sunnygirl1412 · 17/12/2008 23:48

TMMJ - I love the cartoon too!

Bottom line, if you are relaxed and happy, your children will enjoy the day. We've handed out plenty of advice, but only you can tell what will work best for your family.

I hope you are feeling a bit better by the time you read this.

Hugs.

PortAndStilton · 17/12/2008 23:49

It does sound as though what you're angry about isn't actually Christmas traditions but your ILs in general and their attitude towards your DCs. Which is fine, but try not to focus all those feelings on one (fairly minor) issue.

Original poster
themulledmanneredjanitor · 18/12/2008 09:04

you are right port and stilton-you have hit the nail on the head. i really struggle with their attitude towards my children-especially fil's. this is the man who phoned up to say he was in our city but too busy to meet up despite not having seen the boys for 6 months. they live a 7 hour flight away!!!!! it's not like they live in spain and we can pop over to see them anytime we want!

imnkae HUGE efforts to facilitate their relationship with the kids-huge.

right i am going to stop worrying and ranting about this. had a huge vent to dh last after i logged off and feel a bit better about it all i guess. it's up to us to make sure that whatever we do it is fun and that WE are happy.

OP posts:
clam · 18/12/2008 12:19

OK, I've been thinking about this while houseworking. How would I feel in your shoes - really. I think I was with your ILs before because, like them, my preference is to open presents at a more civilised hour mid-morning, when I can justify a glass of something or other at the same time. The DCs have always been fine about waiting, and have got the unwrapping frenzy over with their stockings - plus choosing one gift from under the tree to open before breakfast. But, if I liked to open everything at the crack of dawn (and yes, 8am is the crack of dawn to me!) I would be hacked off at having to keep the kids occupied, if they're unused to waiting.
I think, however, if you are the guests, you have to be a little more laid-back about fitting in, and think about how you'd feel if you were hosting and your visitors said "this is how we do it at ours, and how we intend to do it here too."
So, as someone else has said, this isn't actually about what time you get up at all, but the fact that your ILs are not in your good books, so you're going to feel twitchy about all sorts of stuff anyway. This is just the surface stuff. If you're adamant about what you want, then I think you're going to have to get DH on the case. His parents, his challenge.

mogs0 · 18/12/2008 17:03

Could you send your dc in to wake up their GPs? I usually stay at my mum's for Christmas. She is a night owl and not an early riser so I usually send ds in about 7am to wake her up so she can watch him open some of his presents. I don't think she minds too much!!!

One year, when I was a teenager, my sister decided that we should wait until after dinner to open presents and it was torture!! I don't think we opened anything until the evening.

I do think it's a good idea to spread the gifts out over the day and will be trying that with ds this year!!

I hope you work things out tmmj.

aGalChangedHerName · 18/12/2008 21:46

Sorry they are your children TMMJ. Your life, your dc,and your way!1

My out in-laws live abroad for 6 or more months of the year but thankfully don't have anything to do with us despite being 5 mins away when they are home.

If they wanted to spend Xmas with us they would need to fit in with us. They are adults FFS,can they not go along with what you do normally with your dc??

I am fairly inflexible about how i do stuff with my dc tho

I figure the fact that they have never babysat once in 17 years for any of my 4 dc kinda indicates their level of interst huh? Oh added to that they don't know what age they actually are!!

Your xmas,so do it your way!!

MrsWilburton · 18/12/2008 21:47

IM WITH THE INLAWS.

aGalChangedHerName · 18/12/2008 22:11

Take it you are a MIL then Mrs Wilburton?

Waswondering · 18/12/2008 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumofMagnus · 18/12/2008 23:22

Totally see your point - Christmas is a big deal for you and your children - you are going out of your way to spend it with your in laws rather than at home and they should, as part of hosting Christmas, accomodate you. If they don't see their grandchildren very often they should be keen to get up with you altogether and see the children open their stockings and presents that way. If their tradition is gifts later they can then present their own gifts to the kids at that set time. Otherwise the children are 1. not in their homes and familiar beds 2. having all their xmas anticipation and traditions changed by a pair of long distance gradparents who are too set in their ways and selfish to get up a couple of hours earlier than usual. Put your own family first and be play this down (there doesn't need to be any great discussion) just be clear and firm and non-confrontational. The children open stockings when they wake up and play with toys. The grandparents are welcome to watch this and you would be happy to wake them for it - it is a lovely tradition that YOUR family has.

Imagine if your MIL or FIL had posted; My DS and DIL are travelling 4 hours with 2 children to stay with us for our first christmas altogether as we live overseas, am I unreasonable to expect them to adhere to our christmas traditions rather than their own? I would be amazed if the overwhelming response was not that they should try to make you feel at home and at the very least merge the traditions...

I thought the point of a stocking is that you wake up to it...If the gradparents can't be bothered to get up to see it being opened that is a sad indictment on them. On the other hand opening formal wrapped presents from relatives like the gradparents you of course wait for them to give it directly to the kids at a time of their choosing...straight forward...don't take any rubbish, you are being more than reasonable even worrying about it...

thritbies · 18/12/2008 23:37

YANBU- I would just do as dh has and say "look the kids will be up early and obviously want to open presents. They will be confused if presents aren't under tree, and will find it hard to wait. I will reign them in until 8am, ok?" then smile. Sweetly.

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