I have upset my mother over Xmas Day (long - sorry!)

[angie17]

When my DH and I first met we alternated parents house on Christmas Day. It was always hectic as we tried to see as many people as possible and always saw both sets of parents. When our DS was born 4 years ago we said we wanted to stay at home and the family were welcome to visit us but we simply did not want to drag him around to different houses on Christmas Day. I am an only child so it was just taken for granted that my parents would come to us for Christmas dinner and this has been the situation for the last few years.

Last Christmas we were living 100 miles away from family so my parents came to stay with us but we have since moved back and for dinner this year again it was just assumed that my parents would be coming to our house. My grandmother is in her 80's and not in good health so mum said she would be coming too and then she announed that she had invited her cousin who has recently been divorced.

I initially had no problem with this and was trying to get into the Christmas spirit but my Dh was not too pleased and said he didn't mind my grandmother coming but inviting someone else was a bit too much. We don't have a very big dining room so my dd who is 1, and would normally sit at the table on a booster seat, would have to sit in her highchair away from the table and we would have to use spare chairs.

I suggested to my mother that we had dinner at her house as we didn't have the room. She was not happy at first as she wanted to be at my house with the kids and their presents but then said she would do it. A week or so after this my DH suggested that, as we said we would stay at home once we had children, how about we have a Christmas breakfast for the family and instead of going to mothers for dinner we stay at home on the afternoon with the kids and we have a small meal even just sandwiches later in the afternoon once the children have played with their toys. I thought it sounded great so told my mother this who burst into tears and said she could not believe how I could hurt her like that and that I was pushing her out! This was two days ago and we have spoken since but it was very strained and i feel she wants me to change my mind and say that we are going to her house for dinner. I am now adamant that we are not going but just wanted some feedback on whether I am being selfish because I am starting to feel like i am

I guess I can understand a bit why your mum is upset, as you did originally have plans to spend the day with her one way or the other...But I do understand how you feel too. She is being a bit over dramatic though. Why don't you have a chat with her about the logisitics and extra people and see if you can come to a compromise?

Oh, the trauma that is Christmas where emotions run high!

It seems that your concerns were mainly logistical - i.e. you didn't have enough space.

Your mom, however, places a huge degree of importance on Christmas.

Your DH was trying to solve the problem of staying at home and accomodating family, but the crux of the matter is that your mom still thinks of herself as family, whereas your DH defines family as you and the kids.

I don't know that there are any right or wrong answers here. Your mom is probably upset that plans keep changing just as she was getting used to them, and let's face it, you call the shots as you have the kids.

Um, sounds a bit out of order tbh

I;m confused. Did you invite your mum over, then change your mind to having dinner at her house, then change your mind again to not seeing her at all?

Is that right?

ilovemydog - I think you have hit the nail on the head when you says my mother still thinks of herself as family whereas DH defines family as me and the kids. During the conversations we have had about this my mother did say that she was planning to come over as early as possible so she could be there when the children were opening their presents. As soon as she said it I knew my DH would be furious if that happened. Surely those precious moments of Christmas morning are for the parents She also said that she was upset because she wouldn't be spending as much time with her grandchildren - she was looking forward to seeing them all day - i don't realise how much she loves them etc. She can be very overpowering so far as the children are concerned but I was trying to make allowances because of Christmas but i suppose there comes a point where you have to decide what is more important

Sorry, I think you're being really mean - if you're not allowing your mum to see her grandchildren on xmas day (I couldn't quite work it out from your post).

Family isn't just mum, dad and the kids. Sure, it would be much easier, but your kids are entitled to see their grandparents - I imagine they'd love seeing their gran on xmas day.

To put it another way, how would you feel if your DS decided to 'ban' you on xmas day when he's grown up and with his own kids?

If it was me, I'd be gutted.

I don't always get on with my parents and MIL but they're more than welcome to spend xmas day with us. That's what xmas is about - family. The whole family.

Sufi- it is confusing! I didn't invite my mum as such - everyone just assumed that she would be coming because that is what normally happens. The change of plan came about when my mum's cousin was invited and I realised that i didn't have room for everyone so subtly suggested that, as mum had invited her, maybe we should have lunch at mum's house. All this happened while DH was working away so when I spoke to him he said he would prefer to stay at home as this is what we agreed we would do so we said we would still see everyone on the morning but not go for lunch.

TBH, i think you are being a bit unfair. I couldn't imagine xmas without spending it with my mum/nan ect and my ex mil is also welcome to see the kids on xmas day (she never bothers though) I spent every xmas with my nan when i was younger and now we go to my mum's.

I would hate not seeing my DC on xmas day when they have families of their own, I would be really upset actually. I think xmas is about family tbh

"there comes a point where you have to decide what is more important"

Does there? Why? There doesn't really, you know.

Is the crux of the issue the fact that your DH doesn't like your mum?

i think you are being quite unchristmassy about the whle thing, really. does it really matter if your dd is in a highchair, when everyone will be making a fuss of her anyway?

I don't think its unreasonable for it just to be you your DH and DC's for opening stickings and your own presents. COuldn;tyou stillgo to dinner (perhaps have a teatime dinner) and open other presents then?

Thast what we do.

Own presents with just us in the morning takepresents to whomever we're having dinner with and open them together later. It has never occured to me we would be differnt so my mum has got used to that.

can't you kust stick with the plan to go to them for dinner later. You can open your presents before you go and stick to a 4hour afternoon visit with you parents.

Also where is it written that the opening of presents and the excitement related to that is limited to parental viewing only? I don't get that at all - isn't it nice for people you love to be there to see the people they love enjoy the thrill of present opening.

I am getting the sense from your posts that your dh has a problem with your mother.

I do sympathise, but the to-ing and fro-ing from your house, to suggesting she hosts, to her not being invited for lunch at all is a bit mean.

I think all of this obsession about your close family unit at the expense of your extended family is very me, me, me! For generations Christmas has been a time for wider families to get together and share the joy of Christmas time. Now we seek to exclude in order to promote our right to see our children open their presents exclusively for mum and dad.

Having another person in the room to see their faces when they open their gifts does not take any of the pleasure away from you! You can still look at their faces!

I hope you are of the same view as to the importance of the wider family at Christmas, when it is you left out and lonely and deprived of time with your grandchildren! What goes around comes around!

I tthink you're not being that unreasonable actually. You're mum needs to rein back a bit if she wants to be there when you're still in pyjamas.
I agree that xmas is family time, but that can be over a few days imo. It's just us on xmas day and them my mum and pil coming over on boxing day.

I think you're being really mean, and perhaps you ought to think to a few years in the future when you're in your mother's shoes.

So she wants to spend xmas day with you all, surely thats a good thing. And as quattro said, why does there have to be a point to decide? Why can't you all just muck in together? We've never had a Christmas on our own, simply because I couldn't have enjoyed it knowing my parents were missing out. Dh's parents live 200 miles away and go to his sister's who lives near to them, but I've always given them an invite, even though we'd all be squashing in. Thats what you do at Christmas when you're lucky enough to have a family who love you.

I do think you have to imagine how you would feel if you were on your own, excited about seeing your daughter and grandchildren on Christmas day and then found all your kids had decided that you were no longer welcome for lunch on Christmas day. I would be pretty devastated, frankly. Why on earth can't you have the lonely cousin? So what if you have to squash up a bit? What's the harm? I honestly don't get the having to choose thing - why do you? Where is your Christmas spirit?

I agree that not going for lunch seems a bitmean. But expecting to be able to be at their house all day seems a bit excessive.

I find it too sressful to do it all at once - 3 kids and presents is very hyper in my house. If my mum was desperate to come then of course I'd have her over, but she's got my brother coming over and is fine, she also finds my dc tiring!. My pil see the kids twice a week, seeing them with unwrapped presents isn't going to upset them.

You are right my Dh does have a problem with my mother but it has gone on for some time because of her overpowering nature. I have spoken to my dad about this who feels I should do what we want to do on Christmas day and not worry about my mum because she is just so used to getting her own way. My DH simply does not want to go now after this so i am torn between keeping my DH happy and keeping mum happy

Would it hurt to go to your mum's for Christmas Dinner (and be waited on whilst she prepares the food - sounds good to me). Unless she is 'difficult' company, why can't you go along with it?

If however she is challenging to spend time with I accept why you might not want to go.

Perhaps your grandmother might not have many more Christmases left to spend with the great grandchildren either? - just something to weigh up....

I think your mother's reaction might not have been quite so violent if you hadn't previously agreed to go to hers. Having previously agreed this I think it's mean to pull the rug out from under her feet

And as Soapbox says, having your mum there doesn't take anything away from you and your dh.
Your dh with his bizarre 'christmas breakfast' and sandwiches sounds positively Scrooge-like!

I am also an only child and my mum would be gutted, absolutely gutted, if I didn't spend some time with her at Christmas. And to be honest, I get so much pleasure from seeing her relationship with my children that I would be gutted too.

I know this is controversial here on mn but we have fancy breakfast and christmas stockings in the mornings, at home or before visitors arrive, and then presents after our main xmas meal. that way everyone happy.

if you and dh are v keen to do something special with just you and children why not make xmas eve really special, your own little tradition?

Seen the bit about a personality clash with your mum and your dh....That's a tricky one. Is he being reasonable? - is she really overbearing? If she is - can you broach the subject with her?

But what has your poor mum actually done wrong here that deserves this? This might be your grandmother's last Christmas ever.