I have upset my mother over Xmas Day (long - sorry!)

[angie17]

When my DH and I first met we alternated parents house on Christmas Day. It was always hectic as we tried to see as many people as possible and always saw both sets of parents. When our DS was born 4 years ago we said we wanted to stay at home and the family were welcome to visit us but we simply did not want to drag him around to different houses on Christmas Day. I am an only child so it was just taken for granted that my parents would come to us for Christmas dinner and this has been the situation for the last few years.

Last Christmas we were living 100 miles away from family so my parents came to stay with us but we have since moved back and for dinner this year again it was just assumed that my parents would be coming to our house. My grandmother is in her 80's and not in good health so mum said she would be coming too and then she announed that she had invited her cousin who has recently been divorced.

I initially had no problem with this and was trying to get into the Christmas spirit but my Dh was not too pleased and said he didn't mind my grandmother coming but inviting someone else was a bit too much. We don't have a very big dining room so my dd who is 1, and would normally sit at the table on a booster seat, would have to sit in her highchair away from the table and we would have to use spare chairs.

I suggested to my mother that we had dinner at her house as we didn't have the room. She was not happy at first as she wanted to be at my house with the kids and their presents but then said she would do it. A week or so after this my DH suggested that, as we said we would stay at home once we had children, how about we have a Christmas breakfast for the family and instead of going to mothers for dinner we stay at home on the afternoon with the kids and we have a small meal even just sandwiches later in the afternoon once the children have played with their toys. I thought it sounded great so told my mother this who burst into tears and said she could not believe how I could hurt her like that and that I was pushing her out! This was two days ago and we have spoken since but it was very strained and i feel she wants me to change my mind and say that we are going to her house for dinner. I am now adamant that we are not going but just wanted some feedback on whether I am being selfish because I am starting to feel like i am

Crikey, I'm using the grinning emoticon thingy a lot. Must be happy tonight!!!

Mazzystartled speaks sense.

I would not expect guests to arrive at 6.30am (unless they were staying the night before).

But to uninvite her because of the plus 2 of her cousin and your grandmother, then to suggest going to her house, then to change back to you being at home with short morning visit is mean. And also shows very little flexibility on your part. You are expecting everything to be on your terms, which is fine if you can cope with the inevitable fall-out i.e. her being sad and possibly your children missing out on more grown-ups to share their morning excitement.

Her wanting to be in your house with the children and the presents actually makes more sense because the alternative is to up-sticks to her house with the children having little opportunity to play with their new things.

Oh dear, what a shame. I can see your mum's point of view here, it does look rather like you have surreptitiously ousted her from the crimbo celebrations.

Maybe your DH needs to pull his head in a bit about this as well; just because you agreed a few years ago that you would have christmas day at home once you had the DC, doesn't mean it is set in stone. It seems kind of your mum to have invited her recently-divorced cousin along, even though she should have checked with you first (since she was technically inviting her to your house) but now it looks like you're punishing her. She rectified it by agreeing to do dinner at hers instead, and now you don't want to go and don't seem to want her to be a part of it?

Emotional prod here - I would give anything to be able to have this sort of fight with my mum but she died last year before DS was born, so I never had the chance.

Invite her and great granny and cousin for 11am, so you can have your 'christmas breakfast' and stockings, then have a jolly , squashed up lunch together with hats and crackers (NOT sandwiches!) and babies on laps then have lots of family present opening so your mum can see the chlidren opening those gifts esp the ones from her, then watch Dr Who on the telly with the sound turned up for the deaf people. Your dh can go to sleep in an armchair - bob's your uncle, Christmas.

thumbwitch. xxxxx

We nearly lost my dad 3 yars ago, the fact that he's still here with us to celebrate xmas and enjoy it all with us makes it more special than ever.

Yup my dad and both dh's parents are dead. His mum died last Christmas. I'd love my children to be able to have Christmas lunch with their grandparents.

Doesn't sound very me me me at all, sounds like your husband definitely wants a Christmas alone and you want to make him happy. I understand your situation very well and feel very sorry for you being torn so many ways. I really dread Christmas because parents are so easily hurt. DH is insisting on just having my parents round to our place because I will just have given birth and he knows they'll help me, but we have not been to his parents for Xmas for 3 years, and I know they must be absolutely aching to have him there. I'm grateful to him for being so sweet (well, his parents stress him out too), but have decided it's best to have no parents because I don't want to be unfair to his. Whatever we decide, it feels like this will always be hard and someone will always be hurt and lonely. I hope you make things up with your mum whatever you decide to do. Please just keep talking to her and tell her how much you love her.

i would love to see my parents on christmas day, however my dad is a miserable f**r and wont come here, and they dont have room for an extra 7 people at their house, so i have to make do with my mum spending boxing day at my house. this year i have my gran coming from cornwall to stay for 2 weeks over xmas and my sister for christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day. i love spending time with my family over the festive period but if you want to spend it alone thats up to you xx

thanks Ladymariner
for you and your family too mabanana.

I think it sounds a bit sad for your mum really. I tend to think of christmas as not just being about what DH and I want, we both know that family want to see the dc's and we bend over backwards to accommodate this.

I think Grandparents find christmas a really special time with their grandchildren, I know my mum and dad do. It is just 1 day of the year but it will mean alot to your mum to be part of it.

I think it sounds a bit sad for your mum really. I tend to think of christmas as not just being about what DH and I want, we both know that family want to see the dc's and we bend over backwards to accommodate this.

I think Grandparents find christmas a really special time with their grandchildren, I know my mum and dad do. It is just 1 day of the year but it will mean alot to your mum to be part of it.

"my mother did say that she was planning to come over as early as possible so she could be there when the children were opening their presents. As soon as she said it I knew my DH would be furious if that happened. Surely those precious moments of Christmas morning are for the parents"

I disagree completely!

Your mum IS family. Imagine how you'd feel if in 20 years time your DC told you that "sorry, Christmas is for families" and excluded you.

I can understand why she is hurt. Life is very short and families are precious, even if they can be annoying a lot of the time . I think you should make the motst of your relationship with your parents and cousin while you can and that includes spending xmas with them.

I don;t entirely agree with everyone who says that GP's should be allowed into you rmost intimate circle from dawn to dusk just because its Xmas. Maybe it depends on how you were brought up but I'm very very close to my mum and I'd still think it odd if she expected to come over at the crack of dawn and sit on our bed whilst we were in our jim-jams opening stocking presents. Our grandparetns didn't do that so I guess I'm not used to it.

I enjoy watching DS open my presents because I bought them for him, I put a lot of thought into them and want to see if he likes them. My mum feels the same way about her presents for him.

I do think its mean to marginalise your mother into a very samll insignificant part of the day and I'm sure she feels that Xmas lunch will be very dull if its just your parents, grandmother and cousing. Big lunches are much more fun and will form part of your childrens memories of Xmas in future.

I feel sorry for your mum
And your mum's cousin who this has probably got back to and will be feeling vulnerable enough as it is.

I don't get this viewpoint of reigning in Christmas, and the joy of the children, to such a tiny unit. But then I come from a family where sod the size of the house every waif and stray is invited, not just for the day, but to stay. We regularly have had 18-20 for the Christmas period at various family houses with people sleeping in the garage with heaters, or on the landing, wherever space can be found. We've had extremely distant cousins whose husbands have left them, a friend of a friend who's partner beat her up (she ended up staying 6 years ), the bereaved, the lonely - anyone who we can think of who may struggle at Christmas is welcome to join our celebrations whether that makes our numbers 6 or 25. And to me that's the way it should be. And to be completely honest it makes for a bloody good time! Don't you think that maybe, somewhere along the line your DH (and you by agreeing with him) have forgotten what Christmas really should be about? What does it matter if your DD is in a highchair? Isn't it a tiny sacrifice to enable you to welcome a family relative who's had a crap year? Your kids also have the entire year to play with their toys, I don't get this obsession that it has to be done all day on Christmas Day - is that what Christmas is about? Toy playing? Seems pretty sad to me.

I actually think if you want to salvage this you need to go to DH point out the true meaning of Christmas, and call your mother, apologise profusely, say they are of course all welcome back over at yours please bring x,y,z. You have the rest of the year to have a nice day just the four of you.

And deal with her being overbearing at another, more appropriate, time.

I think youve been a bit out of order changing everything. I would suggest you revert to her cooking this year but warn them now that next year it is just you. We've done retty much that and whilst I know my dad in particular will bequietly breaking his heart that baby won't be there it has given them time to organise a treat (hotel meal) for themseves so they wnt be sat at home mournin the kids iyswim?

Next year I hope we can go there.

I do think chopping and changng so close will have embarassed her infront of her relations (she shouldnt have inviyted her cousin) as well.

(BTW three way rotations- nuclear family- in laws - aprents are to be recommended).

I feel for both you and your mother, but I would not do what you are proposing.

You cannot have too much family around at Christmas. For me the whole point of it is a celebration and a coming together of family. If I took that away, it would just be a present fest.

does your dh op have ishoos with your relationship with your mother?

where is his Mum in all this?

......settles on sofa oprah style.....

tell us more

I think that really, it's your DP who is being a bit unreasonable. And your mum is understandably upset as the goal posts keep changing on a day she probably looks forward to for most of the year. She's already agreed to change the plans to have lunch at her house to accommodate your DP's concern about one extra person? Now suddenly she's being turfed out completely?

I understand the desire for a small family focused present opening session, but I remember that one of the best things about a large family when we were small were that we had multiple present opening sessions on christmas! . There were the stockings with just mum and dad and siblings. Then there was the wider gift opening with general family who were around. And then inevitably, family friends etc would turn up and us kids would get to have a whole new session over again. Aaah, those were the days!!!! Believe me, your DCs will absolutely love to have you and DP, then you DP and DGM, then the postman if that seems appropriate, all there for seperate present opening sessions!

Why can't you have a few hours in the morning with you and dp and the kids and then go to your mum's for lunch as planned?

We always have Xmas at my Mum's. I'm on my own with ds so don't have a dh or pil to consider.

Twice in the last 7 years we've gone to Mum's friend's house and it just wasn't the same. I'm happy to spend Christmas with her friends and as many others as can fit into one house but I prefer that house to be my Mum's!!

One of my two sisters is married and she finds it hard because her dh would much prefer to be at home with a beer and the tv to himself, whereas my sister absolutely loves the big family Xmas.

I love there being lots of people around to watch ds open his gifts and for ds to watch everyone open the gifts he's given. I love the house being full and everyone happy and excited about Christmas but that is how it's always been in our family. I can only think of one year when there wasn't a guest from outside the family.

Oooh, I'm getting all excited about Christmas now!!

I hope you can all come up with something to suit everyone!

I think it is too late to change your mind for this year

Make plans for a quiet Christmas NEXT year

Anything else and you are being very mean I'm afraid.

I loved Xmas as a child precisely because the house was filled with all and sundry. Everyone ate and drank too much and played silly games and the grown ups snoozed in front of the James Bond film whilst kids played with new toys. After 2 sad and lonely Xpat Xmas days with just us and DD we are going back to Blighty this year. I must admit it does help that BIL owns a pub and all the waifs and strays will be there. Dinner for 30 anyone?

You and your husband are perfectly entitled to make these plans. I just find it too late for you to make new plans as you already have confirmed plans in place which involve other people.

I would just go along with the original plan and then let them know in the new year that next Christmas we would like to do this.

Can understand why you're a bit miffed that she invisted a cousin - if you're hosting then it would have been nice if she had checked with you before. You would probably have been much happier to squish in if you'd felt you had a choice...... It sounds like if you go to hers then there will be a lot of toing (sp?)and froing for the kids, so I would suggest that you invite her for late morning, so kids can do stockings early on with you and DP but she gets to see them open some presents later. It's probably too late to change things now, so maybe bite the bullet, have them all round, put your feet up after lunch and let all the visitors do the washing up and get yourself a nice bottle to share with DP later when they've all gone to bed..and be firmer earlier next year!

It's also remembering that Christmas is more than one day (unless you have a job that wrecks it anyway)- it doesn't matter which day you make a family day really, opening pressies is nice but so is (actually better imo) the run up on Chriostmas Eve when they can track Santa online and make mince pies for neighbours.... or boxing days when the formalities are done with and you can throw back under a duvet with a good DVD and selection pack.