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Christmas

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Original poster

I have upset my mother over Xmas Day (long - sorry!)

75 replies

angie17 · 18/11/2008 21:59

When my DH and I first met we alternated parents house on Christmas Day. It was always hectic as we tried to see as many people as possible and always saw both sets of parents. When our DS was born 4 years ago we said we wanted to stay at home and the family were welcome to visit us but we simply did not want to drag him around to different houses on Christmas Day. I am an only child so it was just taken for granted that my parents would come to us for Christmas dinner and this has been the situation for the last few years.

Last Christmas we were living 100 miles away from family so my parents came to stay with us but we have since moved back and for dinner this year again it was just assumed that my parents would be coming to our house. My grandmother is in her 80's and not in good health so mum said she would be coming too and then she announed that she had invited her cousin who has recently been divorced.

I initially had no problem with this and was trying to get into the Christmas spirit but my Dh was not too pleased and said he didn't mind my grandmother coming but inviting someone else was a bit too much. We don't have a very big dining room so my dd who is 1, and would normally sit at the table on a booster seat, would have to sit in her highchair away from the table and we would have to use spare chairs.

I suggested to my mother that we had dinner at her house as we didn't have the room. She was not happy at first as she wanted to be at my house with the kids and their presents but then said she would do it. A week or so after this my DH suggested that, as we said we would stay at home once we had children, how about we have a Christmas breakfast for the family and instead of going to mothers for dinner we stay at home on the afternoon with the kids and we have a small meal even just sandwiches later in the afternoon once the children have played with their toys. I thought it sounded great so told my mother this who burst into tears and said she could not believe how I could hurt her like that and that I was pushing her out! This was two days ago and we have spoken since but it was very strained and i feel she wants me to change my mind and say that we are going to her house for dinner. I am now adamant that we are not going but just wanted some feedback on whether I am being selfish because I am starting to feel like i am

OP posts:

Original poster

angie17 · 18/11/2008 22:48

We never said that we didn't want to see anyone we have simply said that instead of being together at my mother's house on the afternoon we would prefer to be together at our house on the morning then have the afternoon to ourselves so the children could play with their toys.

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 18/11/2008 22:51

I also think it's more fun to be more the merrier at xmas, there are few christmas dinners that I can recall that we haven't had random friends or neighbours [and at one point some homesick roumanian students that a mate of dh's had found in a pub a few nights previously ] invited along. Goodwill to all men and all that. Surely your DH can cope with an afternoon at his inlaws.

LittleFairySmile · 18/11/2008 22:51

I don?t think you are being selfish because you have to put yourself first sometimes, even if that is over Christmas.

Yes Christmas is about family and yes all should be involved, and I fully agree that your Mum has good reason to be upset (perhaps you could say this to her) but also I do agree that your children are yours. Why should you not have just a few magical moments just for yourselves?

I totally understand your position. I know how it feels to try to accommodate everyone and just end up feeling like you've upset them all instead. You run around after everyone else and try to keep them all involved, but still, someone (DH, Mum or MIL) is not happy. If you are happy with your decision, don?t let us MNers sway you either way, after all, these are just our opinions!

mazzystartled · 18/11/2008 22:53

the children can play with their toys on boxing day, and indeed, the next 364 days though can't they? why not save a special present or two to take and open at granny's?

Original poster

angie17 · 18/11/2008 22:53

Thank you littlefairysmile for your kind words - was about to go to bed very

OP posts:

pooka · 18/11/2008 22:54

We tend to go to my mother's house because she has more downstairs space for us, my brothers and other family. So yes, we do open our presents in morning without family, but only because my mother doesn't expect us to rock up undressed at her house at silly am. But if I were hosting (and I did a couple of years ago), then we would be happy for her to arrive whenever she wanted. But then she is a night owl so could be pretty certain it wouldn't be early for us - the children are larks.

Basically what you are expecting is that she comes )with grandmother?) after you've opened presents as a nuclear family unit, but then goes (in order for her to go home and make a start on lunch for them/grandmother/cousin) about an hour or two later.

It all seems, as Soapbox said, a bit "me, me, me", with the me being your dh and, to a certain extent, you (particularly as you've changed plans to her detriment).

Also, by all means settle the situation about her being overbearing at other times, when that happens. But this is just one day in the year when I think that being flexible and attuned to her desire to enjoy her grandchildren would make a lot of sense.

stepfordknife · 18/11/2008 22:54

"and at one point some homesick roumanian students that a mate of dh's had found in a pub a few nights previously"

Awwww, that is actually quite lovely

ladymariner · 18/11/2008 22:55

But I still don't see why these "magical" moments can't be magical for your parents too, it just seems so precious to want to keep it all to yourself!

And I agree with mabanana, your dh's requests seem a tad, er..., curious. Yes, curious!

ladymariner · 18/11/2008 22:56

Great post, pooka, you said it so much better!

pooka · 18/11/2008 22:57

I know that you are still offering some time, after presents and before lunch. But if she is going to be catering at her house for the other guests, including your grandmother (who may be of the generation that expects lunch at a certain time rather than the 3pm we tend to have "lunch") timing is going to be tricky.

I really don't understand the theory that magical moments are in some way diminished the more people that experience them. On the contrary, aren't they sometimes more magical when they are witnessed by a larger crowd?

pooka · 18/11/2008 22:58

x-posts LM, about "magical moments".

ladymariner · 18/11/2008 22:59

Great minds, pooka

Original poster

angie17 · 18/11/2008 22:59

When i said those magical moments I meant when they first wake up, go downstairs and realise that santa has been. She wanted to be there for that moment. Am i being mean by wanting it just to be me and DH there that early on Christmas morning

OP posts:

pooka · 18/11/2008 23:00

Plonker · 18/11/2008 23:00

I feel very for your mum actually.

Christmas is for all the family, can't you go back to your original plan? I'm sure your dd won't mind being a little set back from the table - just budge up around the table and don't be afraid to knock elbows

Hope you get it sorted

Dropdeadfred · 18/11/2008 23:01

well.......did you soend every christmas as a child with your mother's parents there too?
if not then why should you be expected to?
if you did then i guess this is why your mother expects christmas tradition to continue for her too

Plonker · 18/11/2008 23:01

No, not mean, but i honestly don't understand why you wouldn't want your mum to be a part of it??

soapbox · 18/11/2008 23:01

Angie - what is it about that moment though that means you have to hog it for yourself? Your mother being there does not diminish it for you and your DH. It is one of those wonderful things that brings bottomless happiness- it isn't consumed up by having another person there.

I just don't get it!

Plonker · 18/11/2008 23:02

We did dropdeadfred. My dad's mum always came to stay with us - it was the highlight of our Christmas as children

piratecat · 18/11/2008 23:04

for that early on xmas morning, you and dh and ds fine.

to uninvite yourselves round to hers, and she has to leave your house soemhow and see to xmas dinner, for gran and cousin, i think is a bit sad tbh.

Dropdeadfred · 18/11/2008 23:04

Plonker that's lovely. we did spend aot of either christmas days or boxing days with my mum's parents there too...i just wondered about the OP's situation

mazzystartled · 18/11/2008 23:04

of course you aren't angie, no-one really wants visitors at 6.30 am.

i would also discourage my mum from making an appearance that early. but the thought of not celebrating - eating a meal together, exchanging giftsc- with her makes me sad.

there's a middle way between your mum's idea and your dh's , and just because its a compromise it doesn;t have to mean it won't be fun.

Original poster

angie17 · 18/11/2008 23:05

Dropdeadfred - as a child we had my mother's parents come to us for lunch but not when I was opening presents - that was just me and my mum because tbh my dad didn't get out of bed until after breakfast. The family came to our house because mum didn't want to go anywhere else.

OP posts:

soapbox · 18/11/2008 23:06

To explain a little bit more - it is a bit like when you go to see one of the BIG world views - the san fran bridge, the empire state building, the African plains, the pyramids. You stand there in awe - the fact that several millions of people might also have stood where you are and seen the same sight does not take anything away from you!

I think it is the way that it makes it seem that these children are you possessions that you are hanging onto in a childlike fashion saying 'they're mine, mine, mine and I shall not share them with you'!

Not nice, not pretty, very unkind!

ladymariner · 18/11/2008 23:07

I wouldn't have stopped my parents seeing my ds's face when he saw all his pressies for the world.

And tell your dh he's getting off lightly, my dh puts up with my lot from xmas eve till boxing day!! And we even give our bed up for them, seeing as they're getting on a lot bit!!! Call it making it up to them for my extremely misspent youth

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