Has anyone managed to put an end to the tyranny of having entire family at Christmas?

[idlingabout]

Just wondered if anyone has managed this and lived to tell the tale ?
Background is that both my and dp's family expect entire family to be present at every Christmas gathering. We do alternate years with the respective families.
Both my parents and DP's have always expected all siblings to be there and now that all the siblings have children, the numbers are getting unmanageable, especially as many of the children take up adult sized space (eg around the table). None of us live less than 1.5 hours drive from anyone else (2.5 in our case)so there is the added issue of people having to stay etc.
I would like to broach the subject but fear getting slapped down and people taking umbrage.
I get slightly peeved at both our sets of parents as neither of them ever entertained more than 2 or 3 extra people to their immediate family whereas they are expecting us to entertain an extra 11 and they never acknowledge this. Neither my parents nor DP's host anymore for various valid reasons - mainly space and age.
I am probably hankering after the impossible aren't I?

Oh that would be nice for you Expat. My ds1 is now 17 and will babysit his sisters willingly. It is so nice to have that.

I feel sooo chilled about Christmas this year already. I would normally be organising the turkey etc but instead i'm perusing the menu. Think it'll be South Indian Garlic Chicken for me

Have decided that i am not doing Boxing Day or New Years Day dinner either!!

God i'm on a roll here lol

We have never had anyone else round on Christmas Day. Christmas Day is our time, the one day every year that is just for us. DH and I knew that this is what we would want when we had children, so started it off from the year we moved in together. And it has continued and never been a problem.

We do family stuff the days before Cjristmas and the days after, with bth sets of parents coming to us on Boxing Day, and any siblings who are around.

As a child I hated being dragged away from my toys to go family visiting. So for DD she doesn;t have to. And for me and DH it is a day of relaxing and having fun together, starts with champagne for breakfast and goes onf rom thre. Bliss!

What we do is everyone gets together Chgristmas eve

In a restaurant

so no hosting to be done- yay!

Cristmas day we know we are welcome at Mum's, we also now that she is OK if we want to not go- as this year we are doing for the first time in 5 years. I don't thik they like us not being there, but teyr espec that we also have our own family now

Boxing day apparenlty my sister is arrnaging somethig, usually that means we don't get an invite. C'est la vie!

All the family are pretty easy about who goes where - we arrange something different every year (MIL likes to get organised in July, that's the only problem).

My trouble is that DH wants to have 20 people to stay, or go to stay with family, and I want it to be just us and the kids at home. So dh and I kind of take it in turns.

I didn't care last year so we had all his family here. I was expecting to be in hospital, and as it turned out was 2-weeks-post hysterectomy, and ds2 came home from NICU on Christmas Eve. So I didn't do anything and can't even remember much.

But this year I get to choose.

Actually dh and I do agree on one thing - we spend as little time as possible with my parents. Fortunately they're close enough to visit for an afternoon.

The first christmas I was with DH, I lived with my mate Kbear and her now DH was also new on the scene. Somehow we managed to wangle a Christmas Day with them and not our parents and every other year it has been the same for 18 years now. (gosh, aren't we old!) The result is, of course, that we only have to do families every other year and we get a 'happy^ christmas on the alternate years.

This year, is Happy Christmas and Kbear and her cubs will be here and I can't wait!

We are the ones with the most space and also end up catering for everyone in DH's family with very little help - although MIL does try. They are like an invasion - I feel very bullied by the whole mob of them in my house.

This year we are running away to Australia where my sisters both live, but even the 3 of us getting together is proving stressful. At least I'm not in charge.

Procrastinating parent - god, how I echo your sentiments about not passing on the guilt to our children.

IT'S ONE EFFING DAY OF THE YEAR - WHY does everyone get so het up about it??!!

Oh, and we have Step-family to incorporate too - 3 family dinners per year.

I would LOVE for the LOs to be able to stay at home and play with their new toys . I know, I know, we should be grateful to have family... and we are.

But how I'd love the freedom to be able to do what the hell I sorry WE wanted at Christmas.

We haven't really gotten into the alternate xmas thing. We go to my DP's family every year and I love it that way. When I was a child we would have xmas day at my house and 1 set of GP's would come for the day and the other would come for an hour or so, then on boxing day we would go up to the GP's who came for the day. So it was just me my parents my sister and GP's and it was so so boring.

Now we go to PIL's and there are around 15 people, its so much fun and the older women cook then the younger women wash up after. Its great and now I avoid going to my parents house for xmas as it would just be me and DP and my parents which is no where near as much fun.

All in all I would say do what you want to do, you are never going to get these moments back with your DC's they should be precious memories, not memories of arguments and not getting a moment to yourself!

My parents decided years ago that they were fed up of trekking across the country to their paretns/ILs and preferred Xmas day in their own house. Which made it easier for DH and I to say we were doing the same from the start . Also, our wedding anniversary is on the 28th and we don't drive, so travelling round in the Xmas week is a pain. We usually see family in Dec and Jan. This year, I'm due on the 30th so def no travelling!

i have this sussed, me and the 3 kids will be going on holiday somewhere nice and hot until new years eve

I don't actually find cooking Christmas lunch stressful - it's just a large Sunday Roast really. DP is extremely involved and proactive too ( there is no way on earth I would ever host his family if he wasn't).But we both get fed up with all the other meals/ snacks required. It seems that no sooner is lunch cleared away that the older contingent start expecting cups of tea and yet more food. We'd be quite happy to eat nothing else for the rest of the day! It is the problem with having to have people staying. Breakfast is a nightmare as we have to get up! Our household lies in at week-ends as DD entertains herself quite happily and doesn't wake early.
Trying to fit 14 people around the table isn't really possible in any of our houses,doesn't make for a relaxing eating experience but turns the whole thing into an ordeal.
I really wish we could have friends instead of family every year as it would be so much more relaxed.

'It seems that no sooner is lunch cleared away that the older contingent start expecting cups of tea and yet more food. We'd be quite happy to eat nothing else for the rest of the day! It is the problem with having to have people staying. Breakfast is a nightmare as we have to get up! Our household lies in at week-ends as DD entertains herself quite happily and doesn't wake early.
Trying to fit 14 people around the table isn't really possible in any of our houses,doesn't make for a relaxing eating experience but turns the whole thing into an ordeal.
I really wish we could have friends instead of family every year as it would be so much more relaxed.'

They do this because you are enabling them to behave in such a way.

Mind you, it's incredibly rude to expect to be waiting on like you're in a restaurant when you're in your relatives' home.

But until you tell them to make themselves at home and when they ask for tea or food point them in the direction of the kitchen, tell them where the milk is and tell them you'd like yours with a milk and one sugar, they'll continue behaving the way they do.

Ditto the breakfast.

The night before, you tell them where everything is and remind them about the washing up and joke that there's a hotel down the street/in the town/whatever if yours doesn't suit.

Sounds brutal and rude, but it's either that or put up with it all and silently fume.

Or just put your foot down and say no.

Those are basically the two options.

But if you let people take advantage of you, family or no, a lot of times, they will.

'But until you tell them to make themselves at home and when they ask for tea or food point them in the direction of the kitchen, tell them where the milk is and tell them you'd like yours with a milk and one sugar, they'll continue behaving the way they do.'

yup

when we havi visitors (rare) I place a kettle (about a fiver in woolies), mugs and tea stuff in their room

Funny thing is, they actually appreciate it! add in some posh breakfast bars and then feel free to lie in knowing they are not starving or thirsty! If you can afford it a few papers thrown in and access to a TV if there's one you can move in and they should be laughing.

My parents wake between 5 and 6am; I however do not!

Spot again expat - except I would hate sugar in my tea. Good ideas too Peachy except that I fear how the oldies might cope negotiating down the stairs to fill kettle (only access to water is down steep stairs from spare room) !
It's the assumption that 14 people for 3 meals a day for a minimum of 2 days for ANYONE to organise is what gets me.
Mind you, the idea of living close enough for them to just come for a meal would have the downside of seeing them far too often so perhaps overall I get a good deal.