Has anyone managed to put an end to the tyranny of having entire family at Christmas?

[idlingabout]

Just wondered if anyone has managed this and lived to tell the tale ?
Background is that both my and dp's family expect entire family to be present at every Christmas gathering. We do alternate years with the respective families.
Both my parents and DP's have always expected all siblings to be there and now that all the siblings have children, the numbers are getting unmanageable, especially as many of the children take up adult sized space (eg around the table). None of us live less than 1.5 hours drive from anyone else (2.5 in our case)so there is the added issue of people having to stay etc.
I would like to broach the subject but fear getting slapped down and people taking umbrage.
I get slightly peeved at both our sets of parents as neither of them ever entertained more than 2 or 3 extra people to their immediate family whereas they are expecting us to entertain an extra 11 and they never acknowledge this. Neither my parents nor DP's host anymore for various valid reasons - mainly space and age.
I am probably hankering after the impossible aren't I?

I'm thinking that there is a bit of a difference between Scottish Christmas day and the English one?
It is mainly for the children that we put up a tree, presents etc but it is still a working day for us and some of our neighbours.

I cannot wrap my head round why the pre Christmas thing starts about nowish though? No wonder it gets stressful for some people as there is such a big build up to it.

Magazines and articles are always going on about 'How to have a perfect Christmas' 'The perfect dinner' yada. They are setting un unreal precedence and some people really try to live up to these expectations then get hurt when it all goes pear shaped.

Interesting to see how my posts haven't been very clear. We do share out the hosting between the siblings although for years it was just us, my sister or DP's sister who hosted as the brothers didn't live anywhere large enough.
Very grateful for all the advice/comments but alot of whta seems to work for other posters is down to the fact they live near enough to do 'day' visits which simply isn't an option for most of our family; we live near enough to DP's sister to do this (1hour drive) but everyone else is much further away.
Perhaps I should start with a smaller compromise - if we are with one set for Christmas then we don't have to have a gathering with others.
The parents don't host - mine live over 4 hours away and their house is too small. DP's parents don't really have space either and get really stressed.

we're going away! Christmas in the french alps with sombody else doing the cooking - perfect! We invited everyone but the final numbers are the 4 of us, Mil,Fil, My dad and his partner, BIL and his new wife, My sis and BIL. I can't wait!

I am still hiding from the whole Christmas question mainly because it's PILs 'turn' for us to be there and I really don't want to go as it's also their 'turn' to have SIL and her family and BIL and his family meaning 13 in the house. I do love them all but we did that for a week at New Year and just over a week in the summer and it just gets a bit much - I know it's all terribly nice that we're all together and no other trips have to be made but I WANT TO BE AT HOME.

In fact, I wouldn't even mind if they all came here as I postively enjoy doing the whole catering/entertaining thing (maybe I'm just a control freak ) but that's a non starter. Elderly relatives etc.

My parents are fab - they just pitch up wherever and are entirely flexible making it terribly easy.

Have done Christmas on our own once and it was a bit miserable when all was said and done - we had a lovely day but really missed all the people stuff in the days surrounding Christmas.

One to ponder.

One word "No"

We ended up with this ridiculous situation at our house when our DDS were small. One christmas we were so run off our feet we actually didn't have time to play with the kids or share their enjoyment of the day.

We tactfully told our families that although we were quite happy to get together for boxing day or another day around christmas, we wanted to have christmas day with just the four of us and apart from MIL who is a widow and comes once every three years, that is what happens.

THe other good thing is that the family presents are spread out over a few days and no matter whose house we go to everyone brings something (a pudding or savoury) and we have a relaxed buffet without the host slaving over a hot stove for hours.

Before children, dH used to be in army and we lived in Germany, if he was at home we either went on holiday or went for lunch at some nice restaurant. Nobody was bothered about seeing us as we had no children.

Then 3 yrs ago we adopted 3 children and now everybody wants to see us. But 1st xmas we spent on our own and then went to ILs for New year, then 2nd yr went to my mums for xmas and came home boxing day.

Last year on our own and lovely it was. This year my mum is coming to us on boxing day as she is working on xmas day and she lives 300 miles away, in laws wanted to come but we told them they would have to stay in hotel as not moving children out of bedrooms at such a special time, so they have got the huff and aren't coming at all.

If i am really honest i like it just us as a family, DH only gets bank holidays off so is just a nice break for us.

then unfortunately, from what i can make of your posts, idling, you're going to have to put your foot down and deal with people getting grumpy if you ever want this to end.

'no' seems teh only way forward.

it can be framed nicely, as some have suggested, but it needs to be firm and you both need to be in full agreement and supportive of it and present a united front or it won't work.

or you could suggest a restaurant where everyone meets.

You are so right expat - normally I am very clear about saying 'no' and as a result am often seen as the awkward one in the family . The problem here is that whiole I could braoch this with my lot, I don't think DP would stand firm.

if he refuses to stand firm with his family, then it's only fair that he should do everything with regards to hosting them then.

My ILs have same mentality as onepieceoflollipop's, as in do it once and it's a family tradition. When dp and I moved in together, MIL said they'd be coming that Xmas! And...in best Panto tradition...oh no they didn't!

...and dp is aware that if he caves in he does all the running around

At Christmas for the past 6 years it's just been me, dh, ds and dd. It's FAB.

Put your foot down it makes for a pleasurable day where you only have to please yourselves.

I have done Xmas day lunch for the last 15 years or so for my parents and db and his family. Cost's a fortune and nobody brings anything either or helps clear up.

Decided last year i'd had enough of cooking all flipping day and not getting to play with my dc's etc. Also host buffet etc on Boxing Day for DH's family.

So i suggested to the family that we go out for dinner on Xmas day which was lovely. We have booked it again this year for just us 6. My parents said it was a bit early for them to decide about Christmas (i had a bit of a falling out with them last year about db) I think it's because of that they are not coming but i am ecstatic lol

So looking forward to it. I will never again waste time/money/effort for ungrateful lazy sods!!

i can't believe all these families who treat going to their relatives' house like going to a restaurant and not offering to furnish anything or clean up.

or insisting on it!

before i had kids if i went 'home' for Xmas my sister always has Mama and Papa over for Xmas - just them (her husband's mother lives far away, as does his sister who has 4 kids and their father is long dead).

and even at the issue of an invitation, wouldn't you say, 'sound great! i'm doing the puddings (or starters, sides, drinks, etc), so anything you lot don't like/can't eat?'

or, whilst there, after the meal's concluded, just read straight for the kitchen and start the cleaning up?

i mean, WTF?

Exactly why that's me done with being the hostess on xmas day. I shop/prepare/cook and serve. DH does the clearing up and washing up too.

Feel stupid to have actually done it for so long.

fuckin' hell.

sis and i would have a great time on Xmas Eve going to Whole Foods, a very lovely supermarket, and picking out all the goodies to make and eat.

spend Xmas Eve together with Mama drinking lovely wine and baking, chopping, preparing. when her mother was alive she'd sit at the table with us, making us laugh.

Papa and BIL making marinades for the meat and drinking beer.

supposed to be a family, not a restaurant.

Yep should be like that Expat but i have realised that they think we are loaded and can "afford" to do it.

I will spend much less money going for yummy Indian food with DH and my 4 dc than if i was cooking here which makes me

My mum is too busy wanting to get home to her babies too (has 2 vile dogs) to help out with cooking etc.

I am desperate to break the cycle of Christmas Greyskull sytle..
I just know that it will cause so much trouble.

My Mum always does the whole - "it doesn't really matter" thing but she makes a huge christmas cake every year and continually goes on about how there haven't been enough people round to eat it. well make some F(*Ying friends then.

it is so awful she won't ask us to go she just expects it. We have hosted Christmas a few times here but I really want to break it all together and have a year of just the 4/5 of us (me DH 2DS's and my sister)

Oh well I guess this year is going to be another christmas filled with doing the right thing politically.

my sister is loaded, but that doesn't mean you don't even offer to pay, to help with the prep and cooking or pour her another glass of wine and tell her to sit down whilst rounding up the nieces to help out in the kitchen.

i mean, how hard is it to rinse stuff and stick it in the dishwasher and turn the machine on?

you can even sip wine whilst doing it.

oh, yes, agalch, the ILs have their nasty dogs, too.

i don't give a rat's arse, either, they know well those damn things aren't welcome in our home. they're ill-behaved, big and stinky and our cat hates dogs.

and with two little girls and a newborn, the dogs stay out in the car or run about in the garden.

Lol my parents know not to even bring them here. My dd's are scared of them so i haven't even visited them at their house for around 18 months now. They won't put them outside or in a bedroom for an hour while we visit cos it's not fair to the dogs.

FFS it's only a bloody dog!! One of them has to wear a muzzle when folk are in too.

Are you having anyone for Christmas Expat?

Just started thinking about this the other day, will probs have my mum over, she doesnt have anyone else apart from my selfish brother, who spends it in the pub.
She helps cook and clear away and doesnt outstay her welcome.
PILs on the other hand - dont get me started!! Expect to be waited on hand and foot and stay FFAAAAARRR too long, whilst making snide comments, and MIL cant shut up long enough to draw breath, so often talks with her mouth full, still shovelling away, turns my stomach and spoils the meal IMO.

But, as she's been too 'ill and housebound' to come for kids birthdays (miraculously making full recovery on her anniversay to go out for lunch), I imagine she'll obviously be still 'ill' at xmas.
YAY!!
(bet I still get lumbered tho)

lol auraofDora 'sometimes i feel envious of people on witness protection programmes'

I think I have had more arguments and tears with DH over Christmas and MIL then over anything else in our 14 years of marriage (with the possible exception of map reading). It got to the point where I would start feeling stressed about it in July.

Now we take it in turns with my parents and MIL, and as my brother and DH both have to work on Christmas Day, the parents whose turn it is come to us, rather than we having to travel.

The thing I do miss is not being just the 6 of us for Christmas, but being able to have friends for Christmas Day or being able to invite people who don't have anywhere else to go. I grew up abroad, away from grandparents, and the fun of Christmas Day was always being able to have anyone over who would otherwise be on their own. Now it feels too much about having to be with blood relatives.

Determined not to inflict this situation on our own children. I have told DH to be very forceful with me if I start feeling stroppy about Christmas arrangements in my old age.

nope, agalch, it will be just hte 5 of us for Xmas this year.

we might go to the US next year for it, but my folks and sister have large houses and it would be like a big party, tbh, especially for DH and me because my sister's kids are teens who would love to babysit their wee cousins whilst we got out and get pissed have dinner .