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Original poster

Has anyone managed to put an end to the tyranny of having entire family at Christmas?

91 replies

idlingabout · 04/10/2008 18:04

Just wondered if anyone has managed this and lived to tell the tale ?
Background is that both my and dp's family expect entire family to be present at every Christmas gathering. We do alternate years with the respective families.
Both my parents and DP's have always expected all siblings to be there and now that all the siblings have children, the numbers are getting unmanageable, especially as many of the children take up adult sized space (eg around the table). None of us live less than 1.5 hours drive from anyone else (2.5 in our case)so there is the added issue of people having to stay etc.
I would like to broach the subject but fear getting slapped down and people taking umbrage.
I get slightly peeved at both our sets of parents as neither of them ever entertained more than 2 or 3 extra people to their immediate family whereas they are expecting us to entertain an extra 11 and they never acknowledge this. Neither my parents nor DP's host anymore for various valid reasons - mainly space and age.
I am probably hankering after the impossible aren't I?

OP posts:
GobbledigookisThrifty · 04/10/2008 20:06

Me.
We NEVER have both sides of the family and actually, we don't really see dh's family at Xmas as they are just too far away. We wouldn't go there to stay - there's just no room so it wouldn't be enjoyable and I like to be in my own house on Xmas day.

Last year we had my parents and MIL here but this year I want Xmas day just the 5 of us so we can actually focus on the kids and I don't have to faff about with table presents, swanky table decorating and worrying about what other people think of my cooking - never mind the expense of it all!

Loads of my friends seemed to have just them and their kids last year and had a lovely relaxing time so that's what we are doing this year.

expatinscotland · 04/10/2008 20:06

I like your way of thinking, Lily!

Isn't Boxing Day for visiting relatives and having them visit?

It is in Scotland, where apparently tradition was that Xmas was a working day for many, but not Boxing Day or New Year's Day.

onepieceoflollipop · 04/10/2008 20:10

Mil has her birthday on Boxing Day.

It is expected that we will all spend the afternoon/tea with her, no excuses. Even if I have worked on the 25th and haven't seen my parents. (or my dh and dds for that matter!) She gets very sulky if we don't "comply"

expatinscotland · 04/10/2008 20:10

You know, PandL, when we were kids, we are always dragged 200 miles away to stay with my mother's parents and go visit my dad's on Xmas.

We grew to hate it.

We wanted to spend Xmas in our own house.

As a result that's what we've always done - my sister usually has my folks over to hers and that's it. Unless my folks come over here.

pointydog · 04/10/2008 20:11

lol @ handle's description of father - that is very funny

SqueakyPop · 04/10/2008 20:12

I grew up in Scotland and we would never have visitors on Christmas Day.

From Boxing Day to 2nd January, anyone could drop in with their 'carry oot'. This was a little hold-all with a full bar in it! About four different spirits, a couple of different beers, and some standard mixers. The tradition was that they would give you a drink from their bag, and you would give them a drink from your more static version.

expatinscotland · 04/10/2008 20:12

I would send you husband there, then, onepiece.

I have no patience for adults who sulk, even if their relatives.

LazyLinePainterJane · 04/10/2008 20:12

YOu need to tell them that if they want whole family gatherings at Christmas , they need to host it. Or say you want a quiet year this year. You only need to break the habit once and then you are out of the alternate year thing.

MIL likes to have us for alternate years and tries to get us to come for new year if we dont spend christmas there and just pretends that it is christmas

onepieceoflollipop · 04/10/2008 20:14

Send my husband expat?

No, I love him too much. Let's say he is getting rather p*d off by the drama and mind games displayed by his mother.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 04/10/2008 20:19

Have to say if you want to continue the "family tradition" but just don't fancy it this year tell them you're have your first christmas as a small family unit for a change, there is no doubt that it will upset some but be a cause of relief to others (this years hosts?)

Bascically both you and your dh need to be singing from the same hymm sheet (couldn't resist with a christmas topic!sorry) and then just have the balls to be true to your word and not back down, otherwise this is it for the next X years. (god I bet that's a depressing thought!)

I would add that I would say something now and the less stuborn family members may have got over the disappointment by christmas [ grin] there will of course still be those who still have a face like a slapped arse come easter but that will happen whenever you tell them.

SqueakyPop · 04/10/2008 20:19

I agree about breaking habits. You have to be the first to do it, and it may be painful but probably not.

Among DH's siblings, we had four children before the others had any. They always did loads of presents for us and we felt really uncomfortable about reciprocating (especially as we lived in differnt continents). Now we have five, and the sibs have 2 or 3 each - we still don't have a protocol.

We tend to give family presents our standard gift is a shipment from Amazon (last minute because of my organisational skills), with a selection of books for the whole family, and interchangeable between the different branches of the family.

They don't have a big hamper tradition in the US, but I have found a place local to FIL where I can have a fruit basket made up (with a couple of bottles of wine) and that makes him very happy.

HonoriaGlossop · 04/10/2008 20:31

i think we have a lovely christmas routine now - we have my parents/brother over later morning on Christmas day for pressies/champagne/smoked salmon lunch, followed by walk on beach, then we have later afternoon/evening to ourselves, and early evening we have a Christmas dinner just DH DS and me, it's lovely not having to spend all morning cooking for a bug group of people and it's really special having a candlelit Xmas dinner when it's all dark out

then boxing day we swoop in on the in-laws "because they have a bigger house and the kids can play" (nothing to do with being able to stay a short time then escape and not be left with all the clearing up )

Works for us anyway!

kingfix · 04/10/2008 20:40

It was my mother that finally broke the deadlock of alternating xmasses by saying you know why not have a big family do for our side in February or something when everyone really needs a party. This has been heaven, we still see ils for xmas, which is nice but no longer have seasonal 1600 mile round trip to ours on top. I agree with other posters that you have to decide if this is something you really care about and if so, grit your teeth and stick to it, downcast faces of leeches beloved family notwithsanding

kingfix · 04/10/2008 20:41

oh and the other thing we've done is although sinbling with biggest house hosts, each couple take s it in turns to cook the main meal and others do all the other bits.SIL is great organiser and just gives us our tasks and we do them.

BodenGroupie · 04/10/2008 21:57

I love the bit at the beginning of Bridget Jones' Diary (the book) where her mum rings on August Bank Holiday to find out when she'll be arriving for Christmas! So much like my mum, except in recent years I get a barrage of phone calls from my 3 siblings asking what we're doing this year (ie can they come here). We have a huge age range, sibs from 43 - 60, kids 2 - 27 so it's difficult to please everyone. I won't have my mother to stay (long story) and MIL only accepts invitations from people willing to let her stay through to New Year's Day . I remember when Christmas used to be fun.....

Slickbird · 04/10/2008 22:29

Oh, it's all a minefield! I would really, really like to have a christmas with my DH and kids and some friends, but I have this thing that while my parents are still alive, I shouldn't be wasting any christmases at the moment. You know?

We ususally always go to theirs - we did once, go to DH's in Wales but quite frankly, it was sh*t (sorry, but it was, he thought so too). However, my brother and his wife last year, did take a stand and had a quiet one to themselves with my nephew and I felt quite impressed with that. My parents seemed to understand and didn't take the huff. We had everyone at ours on Boxing Day then. But this year I have no clue what's happening and nobody has mentioned it yet. A couple of years ago, I did mention going out for once, but it was vetoed, but I can't remember who by. Probably my dad, who does none of the cooking.....

chipo · 04/10/2008 23:08

I feel your pain. I will have 23 people for xmas this year (1st year I am host xmas) me and my mum have said this the last year we do this at it is getting ridiculous. It's so many people that I don't a room big enough so there will be 2 tables in different rooms.

LazyLinePainterJane · 05/10/2008 08:10

I think it is hard when you don't live close enough to visit for part of the day. My family has always been day visitors and we like it like that. I don't like to outstay my welcome and feel uncomfortable in someone else's house for long periods of time and also if they are staying with me. DH family though have always been stayers-over. BIL and SIL stay at PIL from a week before Christmas until just after New Year, they do washing there and everything. When we visit we get sly digs from PIL because we don't stay as long. Even if we wanted to, Dh can't get that long off work.

Just makes it miserable. Put your foot down! You don't want to be doing it forever!

elmoandella · 05/10/2008 12:19

after spend years of xmas day being ruined by in laws. i now refuse to go to in laws. or invite them over. they know where we are to visit. but they're so ignorant it would never even occur to them to be the ones to visit.

so we now have xmas in blissfull peace of just me, dp and dc. and my mum usually pops round in morning to watch kids while i make lunch and she keeps dc busy while dp goes back to bed after getting up early with the dc.

it'sgreat. i asked if we were doing this again this year and he was all up for it. it's also great to be able to have a some wine each and turn in early on xmas day after kids go to bed and watch shite on tv in bed. ooooh and have an afternoon nap with dc.

no being a taxi service or having to drive ourselves.

no fighting among in laws.

no bitchin

no drunk in laws

and my in laws are notorious for not eating on xmas day till after 5pm.

me and dp like to eat at lunch time.

lunavix · 05/10/2008 12:28

Idlingabout - can siblings not take it in turns too? I'd refuse until they did.

akhems · 05/10/2008 12:31

reading this has made me realise how glad i am to have no family to spend it with, none of these politics and battles.. such a relief even tho it does tend to be a very quiet affair chez akhems

AuraofDora · 05/10/2008 12:59

omg..dh and i laughing nearly crying reading this..
all our relatives live far away and its a real breeze to visit pil, my folks however are entirely a different matter..

we have got to grow the balls you guys speak of and sort this out
main problemo is my dad (lol at the grumpy grandads, though it still sounds too 'werther's orginal' for my dad, i'd have to say he is more accurately a miserable c*, with uber selfish streak) but he is quite ill and dotes on ds

p&l your mum sounds wise i wish someone had pointed that out, i may instigate a tri-annual thang to start with..

pil never assume we are coming, my folks start shouting 'its our turn' metaphorically finger stabbing the table, roughly around july...

sometimes i feel envious of people on witness protection programmes

thequietone · 05/10/2008 13:02

Yep, moved abroad. It's worked a treat!

Original poster
idlingabout · 05/10/2008 13:04

Expat - tried that some years ago (before any of us had kids) when we went away with friends. Paid the price as had to have gatherings before and after we went with respective clans and ended up exhausted from all the travelling around.
We should have nipped it all in the bud years ago.
It is strange how we are also expected to do this and are not able to have our own family traditions. This is a particular issue when with DP's family as they all expect to have same things as his mother always did, some of which are absolutely not my idea of Christmas at allincluding strange ideas about when to open presents.
I am not advocating that we have no-one over Christmas as DD is an only child and loves to see her cousins but wish it didn't have to be everyone and that our parents could accept this.

OP posts:
compo · 05/10/2008 13:04

'We do christmas morning alone, then allow one set of inlaws in the afternoon, the next day we visit the other set.'

This is how I would love to do it, I am most envious! Sadly both isdes of the family live at least 3 hours away so it involves people staying over. We have made it quite clear we do what we want.
So last year mum invited us so we went there
the year before we had a newborn so stayed at home the 4 of us
This year we've invited my sister and her family
I didn't want to get into this year we definitely go to mum's, next year definitely to inlaws kind of thing.
The inlaws came over last Boxing day, we'd only got home about 2 hours before from my mum's. All i wanted to do was do the washing, unpack, put my feet up, not entertain....

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