I really struggle not to buy my children lots of presents.

[ThatFunnyCoralScroller]

For background and content
Both me and Dh grew up in Abusive and neglectful homes. I spent Christmas growing up in a cold home without food nevermind gifts. While my mum got merry on drink and drug's.

Both me and dh have against the odds became successful in our own ways We are far from rich but definitely not struggling.

Anyway we have 3 dc that we love to spoil at Christmas especially but we spend far two much on presents for them. Last yrwe hit almost hit 3ish k

We decided that even though they aren't spoilt brats etc alot of gifts were still in boxes at Easter. Think lego unopened etc. So this year we asked them to write a list with a ballpark budget wise.

We are also going away right after Xmas to a lovely cottage in the Highlands.

They have plenty i know that but I have already started to buy extra for them

We wanted this year to be different but already ive failed in November.

btw I know how lucky we are. That is something I will never forget or take for granted.

Can you save a few things for a birthday or a rainy day ?

can you think - did you miss gifts or a loving parent ? Perhaps because you didn’t have one you don’t know how to show you are one? How do you show you love your partner ? Gifts or time or laugher or traditions ?

Spoil them with your love and your time and show them how much love you have for each other instead.💐 Forget the Lego

We usually end up putting at least some presents aside at the end when we realise how much each child has. But two of ours have birthdays in spring so its easy to put aside til then.

Could you return some of the extras, if saving for birthday isn't feasible?

You haven't failed. You're doing your best and being thoughtful about how you raise your children as well as how you show them love.

Could you buy presents for disadvantaged children, like you were once? Your own children are clearly adored and don't need all this stuff to know that. I suspect they may know this is more about you and this compulsion, if not now then in time. Or use the money for some talking therapy to really examine all this.

What’s the question? Just don’t buy them as much? You’ve recognised it’s OTT and the presents sit unopened so…don’t buy so many? Put the money you’d spend in a savings account for them?

Regift or return some you’ve already got and let the kids choose charities to support or you can choose charities that support kids like you/husband were.

How many are we talking though as sometimes there is a middle ground between the obscene mountains for trashy gifts photographed on FB or Instagram and the “something to wear and read” naff minuscule amount that some MNers profess to gift…

Keep lists or a spreadsheet each year, and take a look before you buy presents the next year.

Its fun to look back, but it also makes it very obvious

1, what they didn't use, or wasn't useful, so you can avoid it again,
2, how much you actually gave them, so you can adjust this years presents to match or be more/less etc.

Op I'd put money in their savings.

I think its easy to go OTT or if you want to bulk out their piles I'd go for clothes and practical stuff they need rather than more toys.

I love lego but too much of mixed up it becomes a pain as you can't put sets together or find the correct bits.

Can you focus your attention on planning fun activities instead? Come up with games, scavenger hunts, become a gingerbread house expert. Make decorations with them and lots of christmas baking.

As a parent of older kids, these are the things they remember.

Don't be too hard on yourself. We are all influenced by our childhoods. It sounds like you are aware, just need some support maybe in changing your patterns.

I think you just need to remind yourself that what it is that your children actually want (and what you really missed out on as a child) isn't gifts that are still in the box at Easter, but love, attention and happy family memories.

Return the excess gifts and do something else with money:

Book some tickets for a family day out
Buy a season pass to the zoo/a theme park
Put it in a holiday fund and save up for a big family trip (or lots of small ones)
Put it in a child's ISA for them
Give them each the cash and take them to one of those shops where you can buy a gift for a stranger - teach them the value of giving!
Put it away for Uni fees/a tutor/school clubs etc.

Have a different focus for the money and it'll help stop the present buying. You don't need to withhold that money from your children, you just need to use it for something they actually want/need. Handing over a big wedge of cash when they're 21 will go down much better than boxes of unused Lego and endless stocking fillers, for example.

So the stuff we buy are high quality for example dd 14 git a ps5 and a new ipad with various lego sets last year including ps5 games etc so it's not the amount as such but more i feel the need to give them everything.

We booked to cottage with that in mind spending money in memories somewhere truly special. ( to us anyway)

Ive managed to scale back alot not.just Christmas.

I used to buy food for the house all the time for example and School uniform always looked new ( i have two football loving boys si that was hard lol)

We already do this. Me and dd go out shopping and stick it in a collection point at the supermarket

Ok can relate to this, firstly be careful you don’t make one materialistic. Secondly I did similar when mine were younger however we also very much made them aware other children would be going without so we involved them in charity gifts and donating to food bank. Also can you gear some of the presents towards stuff they need anyways. Our present pile included
new socks/undies
toiletries
pjs
trainers/football boots/sports gear etc
hats/gloves
couple of books
art supplies
craft/science sets
all things they’d mostly need anyways but also the craft sets were used up throughout the year.

It helps me to have a list or photo of the gifts I've already got, when I'm tempted to buy extra, to remind me I have enough!

dunelm do a sort of ‘angel tree’ where they have tags on a tree with a wish list for disadvantaged children and o.a.p’s who otherwise won’t get anything for Christmas. Could you grab a couple of tags (maybe with the help of your kids) and redirect your need to spoil your own children who don’t need it, with children like you used to be who need a bit of Christmas magic?
Just a suggestion, also not a criticism as I grew up similarly and feel the same about treating my own DC, but we still financially need to budget so thats the only thing that helps keep me in check, otherwise I might be similar to you.

I know what you mean, I love finding things I know my kids will love or picking up bits that remind me of them.
What I do for Christmas is keep a running list of ideas on my phone and tick things off when I get them or add something to the list if I’ve seen it out or had a new idea. Then it’s easier to keep tabs on the volume of stuff rather than shoving it in a cupboard or the loft and getting it all out to wrap and seeing the amount.

@ThatFunnyCoralScroller I understand where you're coming from but tell yourself that you are basically trying to "feed" the little girl you were with all the gifts and food. Try to detach your children from your lived experience. My friend is like you and sadly to say her children are extremely spoilt and entitled. If you feel an urge to spend money on them then put that in their savings account and tell them. Our teen boys don't ask for much because they are happy with what they got (far from the latest tablets and phones) so we therefore buy them some gifts and put the rest in savings for them which they are happy about.

Did you post about this a few months ago, OP?

Anyway, cut yourself some slack. You've obviously done very well after a very difficult start and if your worst parenting fail is spending a bit too much at Christmas, that's really not that bad.

My tip would be not to buy anything on a whim. Instead keep a list of ideas on an app or in a notebook and when you get the urge to buy something, just add it to the list. Then pick a date and sit down with your other half to talk through all the ideas and decide how much you are happy to buy. Remember that part of the pleasure of a gift is lost if it's just one in a sea of gifts.

Buy gifts but give them to charity, get your children involved. They need to see what life is like for less advantaged.

Look, I get you. My partner grew up in an abusive and neglectful foster home, and the bio kids would get presents while he got nothing. It breaks my heart and that combined with my hang up on the kids not having many people who buy from them, plus my own childhood of getting lots of gifts, means we do tend to go a bit overboard at Christmas.

I like to balance the desire to buy, especially as mine are getting a little older (6, 9 and 11), against these thoughts:

1. I need to balance the things that come into the house with the space we have in our home, to ensure the kids aren't living in chaos and clutter, and can't even access/don't even bother with the things we have, because they have so much stuff
2. Focus on quality and Wow factor (I definitely don't mean necessarily in terms of cost, but more so a special/unusual/put together present) than quantity
3. Think about what they can use or will need throughout the year. If you like to make Christmas extra heavy on gifts, forward plan so you can incorporate things you need to get them later in the year anyway, if possible
4. Focus on experiences or passes, or gift cards as a brilliant present that doesn't take up space in the home and allows for happy moments beyond Christmas Day. For example, my son always wants to go to Starbucks for a treat, I can't usually afford it so I will get him a Starbucks gift card and we can save it for a couple of special treat days beyond the festive period.
5. If you have the budget, allow your children to experience the magic of giving gifts at this time of year. Ask them to pick out gifts to donate to social services, or a toy drive, or any other of the many schemes that ask for donations at this time of year. You can also give them money to get parents, siblings or other family members a gift. Studies show people tend to get more joy out of giving than receiving gifts, and it benefits other children who might be in positions similar to the ones you and your DH found yourselves in when younger.

All that being said, I think you deserve to enjoy Christmas the way you enjoy it. It's one day a year. If you feel guilty, then you're not enjoying it and so should change it until you feel happy with the balance.