AIBU for not inviting family after being treated as a fallback at Christmas

[HumbugTurkey]

Even though it’s Aug, I’m getting in there early.

PiL for the past 3 years have been invited for Christmas (live quite locally). Each time they said they weren’t sure what they were doing, if their other DC was inviting them and they would let us know. Then went with DH's siblings offer. Expected us to be available Boxing Day.

My parents - again wait out a better offer and only come when other offers don’t materialise. Often let me know a week before and I have to rush round sorting out rooms. No one offers them, and they come to me.

I work Christmas Eve.

This year I’m not inviting anyone and I don’t care what they think. Not inviting Christmas or Boxing Day. My family is not the 2nd or 3rd choice when no one else offers. My siblings can put themselves out for a change.

AIBU?

I never understand these threads. Surely when your in-laws say "we'll have to see what dh's brother is doing before we commit", you just reply "you'd best go there then. We aren't your back up plan in case you do t get a better offer".
I just don't get how people are so reluctant to stick up for themselves and their families - there no way I'd be sitting around in October waiting for people to let me know whether I'm good enough to visit at Christmas. When they came back to you and said that they'd come to yours, that was the time to say "actually we've made other plans"!

@Aiming4Optimistic- that’s easy to say if you’ve not had a lifetime of being the one that’s not the favourite. The OPs DH clearly has been trained to put his mum and sister first, it’s great he’s on board with not inviting them this year.

OP, I’d go one step further now he’s agreed not to invite them then wait, because they might miss they’ve not been invited then just declare they are coming to you on 20th or some other stupidly late date. Can you arrange to go away so if dh gets the mid-December call asking if they can come after all (missing they were never invited) you already have plans?

That’s poor show on your families OP. Don’t you have a rota? We all alternate - my parents, then ILs. Siblings do the same - my parents and their partners’ parents. The only bit in contention is where it is being hosted - we are moving to the biggest house on ILs side so I’m expecting we will become the default house which I like so no problem there.

I usually get in with my offers to host about now but this year I’m expecting a baby on 19th December so very much not making plans! We’ll broadly spend Xmas day with ILs in some capacity as it is their “turn” but I don’t know if that will be me heavily pregnant at theirs, theirs with a tiny baby or them bringing Christmas to us - thankfully we all live locally so it can be sorted easily.

YANBU

👍😃

We had the same thing with my parents. We would ask in sept/oct every year and would be told 'your brother has already asked us and as you hadn't said anything about xmas we have said yes'. (putting the blame on us of course) They would then go to my sisters on boxing day ( as it was 1/2 way along the 100mile journey home) and we were graced with their presence every New Years day as they lived only 15miles from us.
After 18 years of this both my bro and sis could not or did not invite them so we asked them to ours. Then 2 weeks before Xmas they told us they had booked for the 2 of them to have xmas lunch on their own in a restaurant 6 miles from us. Apparently they didn't think we were serious about inviting them to ours.

too right, I agree completely OP. We’ve had similar done to us.

We now spend Christmas alone in our own home. I see my adult DC as currently living with us, usually works over Christmas though.

We have tree up, pet stockings, snacky foods and some years a drive to the seafront with a mince pie and a flask of hot chocolate. Some years DP cooks a veggie roast on Christmas Eve or New Year’s Day, other years I cook up veggie lasagnes or stews with crusty bread, stuff to just help ourselves too.

if anyone comments (how dare they imho) you say you are having a quiet Christmas at home this year as it’s too stressful when people are invited but don’t say yes please or no thank you at the time. I’ve seen the same disappointment in my DP”s face as his siblings come first, it’s so sad.

is there any chance you can go away otherwise or go out for your Christmas meal on a different day and just have snacks on Xmas day? That way they can’t be invited as you aren’t doing anything to invite them too.

Ask, outright, why SIL is so much more important that you're the second choice-and why they think it's possibly ok for you to hand around like understudies?

Keeping the peace is one thing, but clearly your partner has been very hurt. If they DO have some good reason (like your SIL has some mysterious medical issue that might or might not crop up every 25/12), that's one thing, but if not, it forces them to either admit they're being unfair, or at least gets things into the open which is better than it festering.

Yeah I wouldn’t be lying or being mysterious. I’d just make my own plans (that didn’t include them) and then when they pipe up call it out bluntly ‘well, you didn’t seem that bothered to come to us in previous years so we’ve made our own Christmas plans now.’

Act cool and keep to your guns. It’ll drive them mad but it’ll give a big message about what happens when you take people for granted. I can guarantee they won’t do it a second year.

If DH will struggle to not ask them only to be disappointed, can you break the cycle by making other plans early? Assuming you could afford it, book a self catering place for a few days over Christmas far enough away that PIL can't last minute decide to pop round for lunch (make sure there is only enough sleeping space for you and DC). If that's not an option, make other stay at home plans which mean PILs can't join you. Eg Christmas dinner at a restaurant where you have to book early, ask friends round so there's no room, make plans to go out or have other people over for a few hours for boxing day and Christmas eve so there just isn't time for PIL s to come over etc

On face value I totally agree with you but I'm wondering if maybe you are asking them very early. My sister raises this issue in Sept/Oct when I genuinely don't know what we're doing. It's too far in advance for me to lock in to a plan.

I really don’t like this attitude - why is October too early to think about it, this is when if you want to go away or out for the day to a nice restaurant you’d need to book. If you arent being asked to confirm exactly what puddings you’d want, just would you be going or not, it’s not that early, unless like the OPs in-laws, you expect to get a better offer if you wait.

October is usually when I book my Christmas food delivery slot. I’d hate to wait until December to make plans.