AIBU for not inviting family after being treated as a fallback at Christmas

[HumbugTurkey]

Even though it’s Aug, I’m getting in there early.

PiL for the past 3 years have been invited for Christmas (live quite locally). Each time they said they weren’t sure what they were doing, if their other DC was inviting them and they would let us know. Then went with DH's siblings offer. Expected us to be available Boxing Day.

My parents - again wait out a better offer and only come when other offers don’t materialise. Often let me know a week before and I have to rush round sorting out rooms. No one offers them, and they come to me.

I work Christmas Eve.

This year I’m not inviting anyone and I don’t care what they think. Not inviting Christmas or Boxing Day. My family is not the 2nd or 3rd choice when no one else offers. My siblings can put themselves out for a change.

AIBU?

The treat is guilt free peace and quiet.

No you are not. They are being very rude and I wouldn’t bother inviting them at all either.

It’s really freaking rude to be asked to spend Christmas with our family, be told “oh, urmm, not sure what we are doing yet. I need to see what (DH’s sibling) is doing, we’ll let you know.

Then my DH is left dangling from Oct and told mid Dec they aren’t coming. They used to alternate with us, but stopped this a few years ago.

Good enough for Boxing Day though. The thing is I don’t want a repeat of a feast on BD. I want to slob about or go out for the day. I don’t want to host round 2.

Not sure my DH will agree, but I say don’t invite them, then you won’t be disappointed, “oh, we just assumed you’d be going to Xxxxxx’s”.

Funny thing is before they stopped accepting we got serious grief if we ever decided to do anything different.

Same with my lot, I’ve done the last 3 Christmases so one of my siblings can step up this year. I’m not offering.

YANBU and I really hope you tell them how badly they've treated you in holding you as fallback in previous years.

Honestly, do people not have eyes to see.

YANBU!
Stick to your own plan.
Say nothing. Be vague. Play cards close to chest. There’s power in secrecy.
OR
Gird your loins and tell them all straight, “we are having Christmas on our own this year.”

It’ll be fine. You’ll see.

We had to do Christmas and Boxing Day every year with DH's parents. One year I said my DM and SF were coming. I was told by PIL that it was their Christmas at ours and mine were not to be included. I stopped that carry on and my DM and SF came. PIL made our life miserable all over that Christmas by ringing up all the time. We took phone off the cradle (you could only have BT) but it kept buzzing and making other noises.

I wouldn't volunteer anything about Christmas plans.

If anyone asks what you're doing, tell them you're not sure yet.

Order Christmas food just for your immediate family.

Keep repeating 'not sure yet' until 20 December, then if they're still asking, tell them you've decided to have a quiet Christmas / New Year season this year and you won't be having any visitors.

Job done.

No, absolutely not. Stay quiet OP, and if they do ask (tell) you they are coming over just say sorry, but no and tell them honestly why.

I definitely wouldn’t host but I’d also be upfront about your plans. That’s what you want from them in the future so I don’t think it will help you long term to keep quiet or be vague.

At the time you normally invite them just say something like “we’ve made our Christmas plans for this year which are to have Christmas on our own. It’s too much stress extending invitations which are not responded to until right before Christmas and I’m not in a position to do that any more. The relief in having it sorted now and being able to make lovely plans is huge. I can see this becoming a trend for us.

Male sure you stick to your guns on this. They are taking the piss. I from you will get guilted into things though if better offers dont materialise so I think you should book a lunch out of something for Boxing Day or tell them soon you've made different plans for both Xmas and boxing day.

I bet the other sibling is your SIL

Just have Christmas at home by yourselves. We do it's lovely and then boxing day we go out for the day or chill at home.

YANBU, enjoy Christmas however you want.
My DDad asked me around 10yrs ago if we minded not seeing them on Xmas day as it was too much for DM to host (& cos we had 3 kids were easiest to cull )of course fine but all my siblings still went every yr. We instead travelled to them on boxing day just for the day. Turns out 5 of us had a lovely time without all the pressure & as kids have turned into young adults with own social.lives & work its been much easier being at home instead of travelling 2 hrs each way.
DP now older & youngest DB heavily hinted last yr that someone i.e. me should be taking over hosting, sorry we don't go at Xmas so you'll need to sort it among rest of you who is cooking the turkey.
Don't be 2nd best, make your own plans & have a lovely time

Enjoy your family Christmas and the rest can take a long run, off a short pier!

Good on you OP. Tell them to you’re having a quiet one all round as it’s easier to plan. Last few years only found out near the day what everyone was doing so would like to relax and have everything done. We’ll see you in the New Year!

@Woodfiresareamazing2 like your style!

Surely as an adult you can see that your plan is totally reasonable? Whether you stick to it or not is a different story.

'DP now older and youngest DB heavily hinted last yr that someone i.e. me should be taking over hosting'

@Kittycat2mom Did he now? The brass neck of it.😂

I think that’s reasonable.

YANBU but get a restaurant table booked for Boxing Day to stop the CF's inviting themselves or just turning up expecting Turkey dinner #2.

We had this last year where we asked MIL to come for Xmas dinner and she agreed and then a few weeks later said my DH sibling had asked her for Xmas dinner and so would we mind if she went there.
DH was really pissed off, given we always invite her even if it should be one of the siblings turn as he doesn’t like her to be on her own.
Not this year, he says no invite.
I think you would be better of saying we’re having Xmas/Boxing day on your own and leave it at that.

I've just been commenting on another thread about in-laws and was saying that my MIL and her side kick/ chip off the old block SIL like to play games, and it is like they have a chessboard with all family members on it. They are constantly after the checkmate.

I don't care if they don't come to my house on Christmas Day. In fact I'd prefer it if they didn't. I just hate hearing my DH asking them, then being brushed off, or fobbed off, then hearing him ask a few times in the run up to Christmas and letting me know finally who is not coming a few days before.

This year I want him to have a bit of self respect and I just don't want him to ask them. They will wonder why we haven't and we will have taken away another opportunity for a drama/ saga/ game for bored MIL and SIL. If they ask he, or I am happy to, can say "Oh, we have asked you here for the past 3 years and you have declined every one, so we have stopped asking. We got the hint".

Love this. Can't wait for the updates.

This is the best response. Good luck, OP, and stick to your guns!

This is very good. Don't let your husband guilt trip you into weakening over this!