First Christmas without my grandmother who raised me, how to cope? 💔

[ChristmasMad1]

Hi everyone,
I'm already dreading this Christmas because it will be our first one without my grandmother.

She passed away this year, and I'm finding it so hard to imagine how Christmas will feel without her.
My mum passed away when I was born, so my grandmother raised me. She wasn't just my grandmother, she was my mum in every way that mattered.

She lived with me and my grandfather, so the house feels completely different now. It used to be the three of us, and now it's just me and my grandfather. Everywhere I look, I think of her, and I know Christmas is going to make that even harder.

We were both huge Christmas people, and this is usually the time of year we'd start getting excited. We'd begin buying gifts around now, planning what everyone was getting, and talking about Christmas Day. It was something we both looked forward to every year.

My grandmother always cooked Christmas dinner, and everyone came to our house. We normally had little children running around, along with a few adults, so the house was always full of laughter, noise and excitement. I just can't imagine Christmas without her at the centre of it all.

I'm worried about how emotional it's going to be and how we'll get through the day without her. I keep thinking about all the little traditions we shared, and it just doesn't feel right.

Has anyone else been through their first Christmas after losing someone who was like a parent? How hard did you find it? Is there anything you did to honour their memory that brought you some comfort? I'd love to hear any ideas or traditions that helped you or your family.

Thank you for reading. ❤️

@ChristmasMad1 I'm sorry for your loss. The first Christmas is always the worst. Maybe just have a quiet time and raise a glass to your wonderful nan. What does your grandad want to do x sending hugs x

He's not a big Christmas person, as long as the kids in the family are happy he doesn't mind. Me and my grandmother were the big Christmas people, I know a lot of family will offer to go with them but not sure.

Christmas is such an emotional time of year anyway. So when you are grieving, often that grief feels magnified.

An important thing to remember is that grief comes in waves. There will be times you feel ok and times you feel floored by a wave of grief.

When Christmas comes following a bereavement, I think often people go one of two ways. They either decide to ignore Christmas completely and come back to it the next year, or they decide to put on a brave face, push through pretending they are fine, usually breaking from the pressure of that.

Actually I think neither of those options work. Accept there will be times, many times, over the Christmas period when you feel sad, lost, overwhelmed. You’ll cry, and it’s important to let yourself cry whenever you feel like it. Crying is the body’s way of relieving sadness. Likewise, your grandad will have all of those moments too. Let him cry when he wants to. Agree together that when either of you wants comfort you’ll tell the other. But when either of you wants space to have a good cry on your own you’ll allow each other that space.

Sit down together and think of all the little things grandma used to do that made Christmas special for you. Do some of those things together to keep her spirit with you. Those things have been part of your previous christmases and can be part of every Christmas going forward.

But also, try to think of something new. Life is not the same when someone close has gone. It’s impossible to keep everything exactly how it was. One way to help yourself through that change is to think of something new you would like that helps form a new habit, or a new tradition. So you’re continuing with some of the old but allowing something new as well.

Sending a hug. Your grandma sounds like a wonderful woman!

Thank you ♥️ what would you suggest doing in the form of a new tradition?

We didn't have many traditions in that sense, apart from starting shopping now, she cooked most of dinner and we used to host.

It might not be as bad as what you are thinking. My MIL passed and it was much less painful than we thought it would be for my sil and partner. The kids take your mind off it. So invite them as usual if you can. For us Me and SIL made dinner to save her dad stress and we played card games and her brother came and we had a nice dinner and raaied a glass. After assuming it would be an upsetting day we all actually did manage to enjoy it. Your grandma will not want you to be unhappy. Try and think of the good times x

Also facing my first Christmas without a beloved Grandma. My parents are still about but our entire family revolved around her.

I see it as two choices- the first is to lean in, go big, pick up her roles, do all the things she loved as a celebration and tribute to her. Accept you may cry and have sad moments but really try and find the joy in her memory.

Or do something totally different- change the structure and layout of the day. Let someone else host, make new traditions, or have a quiet one. Either way, I think we have to accept it will be a tough one, and some Christmases just are.

Everyone finds their own path, it will be different, hard, emotional but you will be ok. Perhaps think about what things make it your Christmas, do you want to cook to replicate your grandmother’s meal or do you prefer a quiet or different time. But don’t forget it’s ok to be sad and worried, and it’s ok to change things and accept help

Speak to your grandfather, just the 2 of you and ask him what he wants this year to look like. Take this year to just do what the 2 of you want, it dosnt have to be the new look going forward. The first year is always difficult, first Christmas, birthdays etc..

when my DF died we let the first year be the year we mourned those days and dates, then after that started moving forward. My DF died on my DBs birthday just before Christmas, we all did what our mother wanted for Christmas that year even though we’d all been doing very different Christmas’s for years. My brother said my DF could have the first birthday (DFs 1 year anniversary) but after that he was reclaiming his birthdays back. My DF would have hated us all putting our lives on hold or not enjoying celebrations, he loved Christmas and a party but would have understood our need to grieve at the same time. Now when doing something funny my DF would have done or loved we remember how much he would have been laughing and it dosnt make us sad any more or at least hurt anymore.

Sorry for your loss op x

Oh @ChristmasMad1 I was in a very similar situation & I hated people saying they knew I his felt & it’d get better, because nobody could and I knew it wouldn’t. And honestly no one knows the exact relationship you had and it doesn’t get ‘better’ at all, life just totally changes and you get on with it. For me I had a life up to the age of 31 years, 2 weeks & 3days, then a different life. All of the ‘firsts’ are very difficult, and for me Christmas was the hardest as it was our shared obsession. I made the decision to have the Christmas gran would have wanted, I had never in my life made a roast for more than 4 people, but I invited everyone who usually came and cooked for 17, it didn’t taste the same but we were together. I bought a huge canvas of her looking amazing & put it at the head of the table so that gran was with us & we talked about her all day. We laughed, cried, felt thankful for the time we’d had with her and sorry for the newborn who’d never know her. Every Christmas since has been different, & good, but that was the ‘let’s all just get through it’ one.

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied ❤️ I really appreciate all the kind words and suggestions.

We are considering booking a meal somewhere for Christmas instead this year. I am disabled, although I can cook, and normally I do, but it can be quite stressful, especially with everything else going on. Usually, we stay at home and everyone comes to us at different times throughout the day, but trying to work out how that would look this year is proving quite difficult.

On top of everything, we may also be moving out of the house soon as it might no longer be suitable for us, so that is another big change to think about.
The Christmas shopping is another thing I’m trying to get my head around. It has always been something my grandmother and I loved doing together. Normally it was split between us, with my grandfather contributing financially to Christmas, and he will still be doing that this year, but the organising and buying is now mainly down to me. We have a big family, so there are lots of presents to buy, and I’m a big gift giver, just like my grandmother was.

I really want to keep some of the Christmas magic and traditions alive, but I’m also trying to be realistic about what we can manage this year.

Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas for making Christmas special while taking some of the pressure off? ❤️

what pressure is it your wanting to remove @ChristmasMad1 ? Is it cost, present organising, logistics of the season?

I suppose one thing I’d look at is gift giving. This year you’re finding a way to still do what you want but just by yourself. Talk to everyone say given this my first year without grandmother I’m worried it’s going to be overwhelming so I’m focussing on the children only or just doing 1 gift per person, let me know if there is anything you want up-to X budget or if you prefer a surprise. Then you can work off a list. Gift bags and boxs instead of wrapping paper.

If your having people round tell them what if any help you will need.

Most pressure is usually put on my others in the family or on ourselves.

I have chronic health issues so I set myself timeframes and reasonable expectations.
The bulk of Christmas shopping done by September ( I’m no where near this year).
Limit DCs Christmas lists to 4 items they need to do by September. This gives me time to organise anything I’ve not already got.
All wrapping done by 1 Dec when the decs start going up, no rush they can take a week or 3 depending on how I feel.
House is tidy by the 23rd when we usually see Santa, eat out after so no mess. In the past I’d book 2 separate Santa visits in case I was too unwell to make one. Christmas Eve it’s easy food on paper plates and takeaway, again so no mess.
Christmas dinner is what ever I buy Christmas week, we don’t care what it is. Non perishables and long dated food is bought in the weeks leading up to Christmas week.
We do a Christmas brunch then dinner but no set time frame, everything is relaxed throughout the day.
As DH dose all the cooking and cleaning these days he has opted to cook and serve some food on foil trays so we can just throw them away and reduce washing up.
If something dosnt work out as planned so be it, as long as everyone is happy that’s all that matters.

I reckon it’s the emotional weight of it all, plus the cooking and hosting because I’m doing it solo. I do love giving gifts, but since there are only two of us, I’m cutting back by half to save money. Plus, I have three chronic health issues, so I know how much pressure we put on ourselves.

The only thing I can suggest is how much weight you have to deal with is how much you put on yourself. Don’t be afraid to say no, put boundaries in place and ask for help. If your hosting still then decide what you feel comfortable doing and allocate everyone else with a task. Be specific and put it in writing, ideally in a group chat so everyone is 100%clear when everyone stands.

Uncle Bob I need you to bring 24 pigs in blankets already cooked.
Aunt May Can you please being2 large punnets of strawberries and 2 tubs of double whipping cream
Cousin Jill I need you to make up the Brussels sprouts, enough for 12 of us… Everyone bringing hot food it needs to be already cooked. If people can bring everything already in serving dishes that will take a huge weight off my shoulders and so on.

Edited to say - don’t stress if people don’t bring what you ask, if it’s missing on the day or if anyone is difficult that’s on them not you.

What does your GF want to do? I'd really recommend shaking it up and doing something different to the usual. If you do the same then you will notice her absence much more.

We are thinking of going out for food on Christmas Day, like our local pub restaurant. I would have said go away, but he is not well, so that is not an option. I would like to somehow recreate the feeling of going away, but without actually going. So, we are looking at going out for food. Maybe we could go out for Christmas dinner for just the two of us and ask the others to host at someone else’s place instead. Then, I am not sure what to do about them visiting, as I would like to spend the day out of the house, but I am not sure what to do or where to go apart from the meal?

Ask everyone to bring something for the table and do it totally differently. One year I bought some Wooppee cushions, which went down a storm. We sometimes go the races on Boxing Day. Maybe go to a Panto on another day if there is one local. When ours got married and had their own children we said come any day during December or January you want and we will make that Our Christmas.

Why not ask someone else to host and you and your GF can go to them instead. You can still contribute by making a pudding or maybe something else you like to make or bake .It would take the pressure off you and be a complete change, but a good day & still surrounded by your loved ones.