Gift giving anxiety after reading the gifts I hate receiving thread :(

[birdstone]

I try really hard to give thoughtful gifts and I get quite a bit of anxiety about it because over the years I do keep in mind what people have told me they like or don't like. One friend is a minimalist who doesn't want anything that isn't vegan or cruelty free, who avoids certain toxins and doesn't want anything that will be clutter. People who get migraines (as I do) I don't buy anything that I know triggers them for them, try to remember their preferences for the kind of wine they like and the chocolates they enjoy but also try to get something they might not buy for themselves (we only do foodie gifts between us). Its just really tough and I put myself though the mill over it.

This year I've bought a some really beautiful things for people (no cheap tat) that I'd be thrilled to get myself but when read that gifts I hate to get quite a few are on their repeatedly and I feel a bit defeated. I have in the past suggested with people that we don't do gifts but instead put the money towards a day out, a trip to the theatre together and a meal or something like that but it's met with rejection as people want the gifts.

People on here saying conflicting things to check in with them or ask them what to get them but many other expecting a lovely surprise, some people want you to ask what to get their kids others say it's taking the piss to expect them to come up with gift ideas for you.

I don't know it's just so stressful and spoils Christmas a bit, when I was younger and was just buying my friends a mini set of shower gel and body lotion from the Bodyshop and a big bar of dairy milk it was cheap and cheerful and felt a lot less stressful.

Nothing you wouldn't want, but then some people don't want. MN will be full of peeps complaining about the 'thoughtful' presents they recieved by christmas midday, they always do. It might be a miserable thread but then a lot of people are miserable and expect the impossible.
Years I was given a bastard large Yankee candle in a horrible orange scent I was really to throw it through the lounge window. I hate the bastard things, it went to charity. My ex mil knew I hated candles.

I agree that if you know the person you’re buying for you should be fine. I had a friend who bought me gifts that were very much her style. Things you’d find in her house. We couldn’t be more opposite, she likes pink, sparkles and twee quotes. Those are not my style at all and from one visit in my house she’d know that 🤣!

"Nothing I wouldn’t want myself is my approach"

I don't think that's a good approach because you are assuming everyone likes the same things that you do.

It sounds like people will love your gifts as you've taken trouble to think what they personally may like.

Yesterday someone I buy a small thing for happened to mention she loves pistachios, just in the course of conversation.
I wrote that in my diary when I got home. I know pistachio nuts wouldn't be right for everyone, but I hope they will be perfect for her!

Earlier in the year, another friend said how much she loved jersey black butter on toast when on holiday in Jersey; I made a note of that which I've now just bought ready to give her.

I got a tortoise lover a Christmas tortoise decoration for their tree.

Even if these people are not happy with their presents I will be happy anyway because I know I tried the best I could.

I wouldn't set too much store by what you read on here. I'm sure you buy lovely gifts for your friends, and I am sure they appreciate you for it.

You get a lot of oddbods congregating on here - under-heaters for whom it is a crime to heat your home if the temperature is above minus 20, under-eaters for whom eating a lettuce leaf and a crumb is a huuuuge meal and who can make a small chicken feed a family of 5 for a week etc.

I looked at that thread (they come up every year) and thought that one person's most hated gift can be another's most wanted and treasured. Much of it was bollocks and not worth getting worked up over.

I see it more that I am trying to keep to a certain standard so getting things that I would think were nice so not a basic mug from the supermarket but a really nice Emma Bridgewater mug with artwork I think the person would like. For one friend I think I can do the exactly what I'd want because we do love pretty much all the same things and I think I know my mum well enough to pick things for the home or jewellery she'd love. Another friend though the minimalist vegan is also super busy with work and young kids and so she can be really hard to buy for as ideas I've had like singing lessons (which she'd love) she just doesn't have time for at the moment but I'm saving that up for the future but she isn't a reader, she has Spotify and streaming services so DVDs and CDs are redundant now (present buying is so much harder now we can't buy dvds and cds!) she isn't into board games or cooking, she does like skincare but is picky so I quite often resort to vouchers for a fancy skincare brand she likes but it feels a bit unimaginative.

Don't worry @birdstone It's just the fussy, precious Hyacinths of MUMSNET. They want stuff like £200 candles, and £1550 handbags, and jewellry that is handmade in Scandanavia, (with diamonds cut by a unicorn horn,) and clothes that are uber-vintage and cool and quirky that you can only get from one market stall in Budapest, and food and drink from Harrods, or Fortnum and Mason... Anything else is utter tat, and will be slung in the bin as soon as it touches their hands.

In the real world however, the vast majority of people are chuffed to ribbons to get any gifts at all. I appreciate anything I get. I got 4 pairs of pyjamas last year, and I love every pair! I wear them all.

Don't take the stuff you read (from some posters) on the parallel world of Mumsnet too seriously...

Thanks you gave me a chuckle there with the under eaters and under heaters, I've just stuck the heating on and am having a lovely mug of tea with some dark raspberry lindt chocolate, they obviously aren't my people!

I often just add myself to the shopping list at the time of buying 🤣

We all give each other a few ideas now. And if I have an idea for nephews/nieces I check with their parents. I think it outweighs the surprise element but maybe I’m boring.

@Bananaandmangosmoothie I suppose there are only ever going to be a handful of people who can get you a surprise that you will pretty much always love. I think giving people a few ideas is pretty useful! I even had a mug I really liked picked out for DH as he needs a new one, got an inkling to check with him if he was ok with it and he didn't like it, went with a superhero mug instead!

I should also say that, when looking at the unwanted gifts threads, many of the respondents seem so keen to diss lots of the gifts they get given whilst at the same time painting themselves up as the perfect gift givers. They won't be. They'll have made their misjudgements just like anyone else but just won't admit to it.

It depends on the person really. I saw that thread too - however I would be pleased with a mug, candles, socks, mulled wine. I use all those so seems good to me.

All you can do is go with what you think the person will like. No one is going to say to your face that they didn't like it so the gift giving/receiving custom is complete.

I think the point of that other thread was people saying that they didn't really like the gift not that they would ever say that to the giver. It's a play. We all have our roles as we go through the motions. Ah, how lovely, thank you.

I think if people don't like the gifts they received it's better to ask people not to buy for them because otherwise it is just a waste of time for the buyer, a waste of money and the inevitable plastic landfill waste.

Why put yourself through it? People rarely care that much what they’ve been gifted and more care about the thought you took. So long as it’s not obviously inappropriate (size 20 for a size 6 person/ leather for a vegan / smellies for someone with eczema / alcohol for an alcoholic) then it’s fine.

I've posted on that other thread. Mainly, I just listed things I have far too many of already, like scarves and candles for instance.

I have in the past suggested with people that we don't do gifts but instead put the money towards a day out, a trip to the theatre together and a meal or something like that but it's met with rejection as people want the gifts.

If people want the gifts, then you've nothing to be anxious about - you obviously get it right! You sound very thoughtful actually.

I see your point but I am only talking about eg candles, toiletries, woollen gloves. Not a holiday, painting or home decor. I’ve been buying for these adults for decades so we have have usually bought each other similar in the past.

So just say that you aren’t buying gifts this year and do not expect anything in return. End of. People can’t force you to buy gifts.

I know what you mean OP! Mumsnet makes me mildly fret about all sorts of things I wouldn’t have thought about without it.

I love Christmas it gift giving is my least favourite thing about it nowadays. There is so much choice for everything and people are so specific now. It’s really a bit pointless for fully grown adults.

But then I think of some of the gifts I get from close friends who I exchange token gifts with. Sometimes they are gorgeous and sometimes they don’t hit the mark but it doesn’t make me feel badly about the person at all. One bought me an expensive gift set of some stuff she loves. So thoughtful but I’m not a fan so I just said that it was lovely and thanked her profusely and quietly gave it to my mum who loved it. We’re all in the same boat.

I actually don't mind being given the baylis and harding stuff, which gets absolutely slated on here! I'm really not fussy about bath products and the like. Candles can always be used up. Not so keen on chocolate as I don't eat it but will usually just pass that on to DC. Ultimately, if someone makes the effort then I appreciate it.

The only thing that does annoy me is joke gifts. A couple of years back my sister sent me an out of date bottle of salad cream, that said "salad queen" on it, must have been from the jubilee! Hence being out of date! I didnt even get the "joke", I like salad cream as much as anyone else but am not fanatical about it! When I opened it, me and DC just looked at each other with a wtf face! That did annoy me as the postage wasn't cheap! And for what? It was just stupid.

I think if you have done your best and chosen thoughtful gifts then you will be fine - it genuinely IS the thought that counts.

I've posted about this before, but my DM is the queen of utterly shit gifts and I've had half a century of receiving things that demonstrate that she doesn't know me, doesn't give a shit about me, isn't interested and simply wraps some random (often free) crap rather than put any effort in whatsoever.

My kids think it's hilarious. Note the July birthday when I was given fur lined suede mittens. Does anyone wear mittens over the age of 6? In July? I bet they were cheap in a sale somewhere, but you're not telling me she genuinely thought, 'Hatty will love these, she's frequently mentioned wanting a pair of lovely suede mittens'.

Or the Christmas I was given a book with the words 'I can't imagine anyone will want this, so I'm giving it to you'. She was right. I didn't. It turned out to be a description of regional cuisine - but no recipes. Just a description of what these foods were. (Yorkshire pudding is a classic British side dish made from a simple batter of eggs, flour, and milk (or water), baked until it puffs up into a golden, crisp-edged, soft-centered pastry.)

WTF?

It does seem a shame that there are few surprises now. We’ve all seen everything there is and know how much it costs.

The “other thread” people are particularly miserable so-and-sos though. Throwing around the term “tat” - do they actually mean tat or are they really against naff presents? Every other poster denigrates Baylis&Harding. I would bet good money on the fact that in a blind smell test they couldn’t possibly differentiate between B&H and a brand they would consider acceptable to their elevated self.

Lol. I hope you've gotten to the stage now where it's a constant surprise and a bloody great laugh as to what utter tat you can be gifted by DM?

I always say how much I like/enjoy the presents bought for me/us by the rellies, and then I inwardly thank the cost of living crisis and pay them forward to a charity shop. It makes me feel much better than the present ever could.

Merry Christmas! :)

@Hatty65

Lol

My sister was given a mug with 'This is a shit gift' written on it. That's all, no joke or anything. It was shit gift. It went in the bin.