Adult only child and Christmas

[User0311]

Inspired from a previous thread… Is anyone on MN an only child? What do you do at Christmas?
we would like to alternative Christmas with mine and my DH family but I am my parents only child (at 35 I might add) and they assume and expect I will spend Christmas with them as they have nobody else and it’s a guilt trip every single year. Any advice or anyone in the same boat? I hate when the conversation comes up yearly there’s so much pressure around Christmas! I just want to enjoy it!

Can you host and have both sets of parents?

Must admit I’m selfish about Xmas and refuse to leave my house. Anyone who wants to can come here. Stems from 20 years of working in the nhs and having only either Xmas day or boxing Day off.

The only solution is for you to host and invite both sides. (And hope at least one side refuses...)

I’m an only child and we do alternate and sometimes do something completely different. It does mean my parents are sometimes in their own, but we can’t never see DHs family or go away ourselves. We make sure we do something with them before or after if we’re not seeing them on the day.

I would happily but they don’t get along 🙄 they both want to be hosters too. It’s hard work I can’t remember the last time Christmas was enjoyed and wasn’t hard work!

@User0311 Christmas eve with one set of parents, Christmas day for yourself and boxing day for the other set?? If they can't get along then you need to have some time just for yourself x

My adult children alternate between us and inlaws at Christmas I know you are an only but I think it isn't as uncommon as you think, either go to your inlaws without any guilt or host and have everyone at yours.

God stay in your own house that sounds stressful.

Agree with this. If they can't get along then that's their issue not yours.

I’m not an only child, but there are years when I’m at the in-laws and siblings are at theirs so my parents spend it alone. That’s happening this year. I’m hosting them a few days after and we will have Christmas then. It’s never been an issue, but my parents are understanding and would never guilt trip any of us.

Then I would plan something different just for you!

Country cottage, trip abroad. Neither side invited.

Solves the issue about one set of parents feeling left out!

Pre-child we used to do one set of parents on Christmas Day, the other on Boxing Day, and alternate each year. Now we host and everyone comes to us - much easier.

If they don't get along they'll just have to grow up, won't they 🙄

I would do one year at in-laws, one year at your parents and one year at home with just your partner and child. That’s happening way you can at least have one year in three having a relaxing Christmas.

My DH is an only child and I’m one of five. We took it in turns to spend Christmas at our parents before DD came along. She’s 13 and we’ve only had three Christmas’s with my parents since.

Some were because we lived quite a long way from my parents and it wasn’t easy to get there so my in laws came those years.

our parents are getting older now and a few years ago my Mum and Dad started taking it in turns to spend Christmas with their children in turns (so one in five, but a year was missed in Covid and another when my Dad was ill). So we always have the in laws. If I’m honest it annoys me a bit, but it is what it is.

They can't expect you to spend every Christmas with them even if you are an only child. That's completely unreasonable. It would be rather different if they were alone but they've got each other. Surely they must know that it's normal to alternate with in-laws once children marry.

It is!! It’s not enjoyable but the guilt trips completely aren’t worth it either!

Just start alternating with you having Christmas 1 year in your own house , the parents will just have to suck it up!

I'm the only surviving child.

We have a three year cycle - Inlaws, my parents, home alone. Often the inlaws go on holiday, so we go to my parents more frequently, but they sort themselves out the other years. That might need to change if there was only one of them, but we aren't there yet.

Everyone lives too far apart to do more than one household over the period (3 hours to my parents, and 6 to the inlaws).

Decide how you would like to spend your perfect Christmas @User0311 and do that 😊

Another that says just stay in your house, sounds like too much hassle!!!

The fact they don’t get on, or can’t put their differences aside for their children (on both sides) is bad. I have an only child (teen) and am totally prepared that they aren’t going to want or be able to spend Xmas with us every year. I’m looking forward to lying on a beach in the Caribbean those years :-)
if I were you I’d stick to my guns. Alternate. If anyone says anything just say ‘I know it’s unfortunate you and X don’t get on so I can’t host you all together’ then repeat.

1. They have each other, so neither of them is "alone"
2. It's only a few hours - so why is it a big deal?
3. Even if they are "alone", why is that bad? Peaceful, relaxed, can do whatever they like. Result.
4. OO, you're 35 - time to stop letting your parents push you around. What would you like to do? Go on holiday? Book it. Stay at home in your PJs? Lock the door, and don't answer the phone.

I'd just say that you really enjoy seeing them for Christmas, but for the sake of fairness, you and DH have agreed to alternate Christmas between the families and so this year you will be spending the day with his family but would love to come and see them on [insert date of your choice] if that works for them too?
Don't get drawn into a debate and don't worry too much if they're grumpy this year. They'll get used to the routine and you and DH can have the Christmas' that you both want to have.

Edit just to say: my DD is an only child and she's little at the moment, but when she's grown up, it will be completely up to her where she spends Christmas and our job as parents is to support and make things easy for our kids where we can. As long as you're being kind and respectful in how you tell them, your parents just need to get on with it, OP. Best of luck!

DH is an only child and we alternate prioritising each side (sometimes they both come to us). Dh parents don’t complain on the years they don’t see us they just make plans to see other people. Your parents shouldn’t be guilt tripping you, that is completely unfair

As an only child honestly kind of lucky my mum hates Christmas so it is just me and DH. I have two sets of in-laws as MIL and FIL remarried, and we used to alternate between them which was intense but fun. Cosy Christmas at his mum's and boozy theatre kid Christmas with his dad. Now they're both travelling or considering emigrating so the last few years it's just us in our house with our cat, watching Lord of the Rings.

I have told his siblings (well those who still live in the UK!) that they're always welcome here, as are the in-laws, but nobody has taken us up on it! Since COVID really. Suits us really well as DH is autistic and I have anxiety and Christmas travel was incredibly stressful. We see them all sometime in December usually, but not between 24th-26th.