Adult only child and Christmas

[User0311]

Inspired from a previous thread… Is anyone on MN an only child? What do you do at Christmas?
we would like to alternative Christmas with mine and my DH family but I am my parents only child (at 35 I might add) and they assume and expect I will spend Christmas with them as they have nobody else and it’s a guilt trip every single year. Any advice or anyone in the same boat? I hate when the conversation comes up yearly there’s so much pressure around Christmas! I just want to enjoy it!

That’s what we’ve done -
sodded off to the middle of nowhere !!!
literally said sod the lot of you, not your fault they don’t get along, I presume ???

I’m an only child, I left home aged 18 (in the 70’s!) to do nurse training 200 miles away and didn’t spend a Christmas Day with my parents for 10 years. I went home for a long weekend as close to Christmas as possible and we did Christmas dinner and presents.
I now have 3 adult sons and once they were in relationships I told them that I didn’t “expect” them to spend Christmas Day with me. It’s just a day for goodness sake.

Have a real Christmas Day with one side and a pretend Christmas Day with the other.
Thats what I’ve always had to do with the children as I usually end up working Christmas (not out of choice). We just celebrate a different day.

Invite them if they say they can't make it just say that they'll be missed it won't be the same without them.
But no more than that. Don't plead or accept going out to them that day. You'll be having Christmas at home.
The ball will be in their court.

Families. For goodness sake. I would say you are hosting and they can come to you. Or just say you are having Christmas alone and as they can’t get on together they can stay home too. We decided years ago not to be blackmailed or guilt tripped over one day in the year. When our children were tiny we alternated and if any parent was left alone they would be invited too so as my MIL was divorced and my mum widowed young that sometimes meant us all spending Christmas together. Luckily they all got on though.

In your case with no siblings and difficult parents and PIL you need firm boundaries. That means making a decision and telling them like it or lump it. The fairest thing is to alternate. It is not the end of the world for your parents to not see you Xmas day. They have each other and they don’t seem to be the easiest. Just tell them you are going to PIL this year and see them another day. They shouldn’t guilt trip you just because they only had one child.

It is only a guilt trip if you let it be. If they make comments just ignore. You are perfectly within your rights to sometimes prioritise your own family or your partners family. Don’t be manipulated by your parents and maybe look up FOG.

Whatever you do be careful because it sets the plan forever if you are not careful. I am an only child as is my DH and our parents hate each other. So we have one set christmas day one set boxing day and the alternate. The result is bloody hard work for me. We did get into an awful pattern of then spending new years eve with the inlaws and new years day with my parents. I have now managed to break this. Im sitting here in tears thinking about it all. I would love to go away or go out for christmas dinner but the family wont hear of it.

They can ‘assume and expect’ but you and your H get to decide what to do about both their requests and dysfunctional behaviour. You also don’t need to prioritise their wishes or fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) over your own needs and wishes.

I’m an only child, and my dad died 10 years ago so my mum (also an only child!) only has me. I can’t bear to have her completely on her own on Xmas day, luckily my DH is so kind so we have her every year at ours for the day. His parents have each other and he has 7 other siblings so we all tend to visit them on Boxing Day and it’s a loud party atmosphere with over 30 of us. We have invited his parents to ours as well for Christmas Day but theyve politely declined every year so I don’t think anyone is unhappy with our set-up.

I'm an only child, as is DD.

We've had my Mum most Christmases as she's on her own and there's no other family in the area. However, she's always said she will accept if my DH wants an Xmas with his family which we've done a couple of times. A couple of times, she's chosen to be on her own.

Last year DD travelled and spent the whole of Xmas with BF's family - we totally understood and were expecting it as they can't see them that much. Not quite sure what's happening this Xmas, but we don't want to be parents who put the pressure on - as long as we have some quality time in the year, that's fine.

I'm an only child and I KNOW how you feel. Really, I do. I love my parents dearly but it stresses me out when the Xmas talk begins. I usually alternate years and they spend Xmas either with their sisters and brothers or by themselves when we're not together. They were taken aback, surprised, puzzled and just sheer shocked the first time I did it and it took them a few years to get used to it. I've come to accept that frustating some of their expectations is a small price to pay in order to have freedom and not resent them.

We always used to alternate in the early days, which I hated, as in laws were open with their utter dislike of Christmas , there was no tree or decorations and continuous moaning. In the end we stopped going, we told them why and spent every year at my parents, who loved every bit of Christmas celebrations.

Basically your reply needs to be with a head tilit ' so you are saying that DH parents never get to spend a christmas day with him? hmmm' point out how selfish and demanding they are being.

Husband only child, had children fairly soon after marrying. Could not alternate as could not leave MIL on her own so hosted both sides. Upside was my kids always got to be at home with presents and toys. Downside was all the organisation. Every year. Till suddenly that generation was gone and the kids are adults and have there own needs to please two sides.

A guilt trip only works if you allow yourself to feel guilty. They have each other. Tell them straight what you are doing and don’t brook any nonsense from them.