Adult only child and Christmas

[User0311]

Inspired from a previous thread… Is anyone on MN an only child? What do you do at Christmas?
we would like to alternative Christmas with mine and my DH family but I am my parents only child (at 35 I might add) and they assume and expect I will spend Christmas with them as they have nobody else and it’s a guilt trip every single year. Any advice or anyone in the same boat? I hate when the conversation comes up yearly there’s so much pressure around Christmas! I just want to enjoy it!

I'm as good as an only – I have a sibling who can't be arsed to visit or host our parents. My parents and my inlaws wouldn't choose to spend time with each other because they're very different but they suck it up at Xmas to both come to us and we always have a great time. My parents wouldn't dream of making me feel guilty though if I said we wanted a quiet one with just us, or if we started alternating.

I'm an only. I host and have done since my children were born. My inlaws don't always come. Sometimes they go to one of dh's siblings who live in another country. Sometimes dh's siblings and families come too.

I simply said I wasn't carting the children around at Christmas. They wanted their own beds, to be able to play with all their toys etc. Had a bit of push back but I just ignored it. Pre kids it was ridiculous. We'd go to one of dh's siblings on Christmas Eve for a full meal, then to one set of parents for Christmas day and then the other set on Boxing day. Three massive meals in three days. Now it's lovely. People arrive mid afternoon on Christmas Eve and whilst we're waiting we make sugar cookies for Santa. I do a ham with potato salad, crusty bread etc for an early tea (easy things I can make the night before). We go to Church and then come home and play board games with mulled wine and snacks. Kids wake up excited in their own beds.

That sounds like a them problem 👍🏻. Invite them and let them decline if they want

I’m in the same position as an only child. Our compromise is that my parents come to us for Christmas lunch so we can at least stay where we want to be. We then see DH parents, his sister, brother and their families on Boxing Day. They are all happy to be on their own on Christmas Day so it works out thankfully for everyone!

boot is on the other foot for me now. My adult dd is an only and goes abroad every Xmas to see her bf. Which is fine with me. Parents are all dead and it’s just me and Dh. Nice and peaceful

I host and make it clear I’m not leaving the house on Christmas Day but everyone is welcome to come including aunties, SIL etc. I’ve done this since my (now adult) child was born and if they don’t want to come it’s up to them. Open house.

It’s only fair that you alternate year about they will get used to it.

Go away over xmas. It's the best. Little resort in Spain will do.

I would just announce 'We are going away this year to a cottage,' or 'We are doing a very quiet Christmas alone' - whatever it is you want.

Any kind of guilt trip would be met with a brisk, 'Don't be silly, Mum. I'm mid 30s - not 9 - and I have a husband of my own now. You can't monopolise me at Christmas and I'm not going to be made to feel guilty about it'.

I am (presumably) your DMs age - I have DCs who are mid 30s at least! They are welcome to come here, but all have partners and I fully accept that some years they will be elsewhere.

Start spending Christmas exactly how you and DH would prefer it and refuse to budge. You don't owe anyone anything.

Its unfair for your parents to expect you to have every Christmas with them. They have each other. They will have to "miss out" every other year.

The Christmas guilt trip is huge and sadly not only children who suffer.
I am not there yet because my chn still come home but DH and I have talked about how determined we are to take the pressure off them so they don't suffer as we have.

I have thought that what we would do is have a weekend in November or December where both boys and families join us for family time together, nice dinner etc on the years they can't see us at Christmas.

How far apart does everyone live? That’s quite crucial to how you manage it.

I'm an only. We had Christmas lunch with my parents (when the kids were little we went over the night before, so we had the full Christmas morning there) then switched in the afternoon and had Christmas tea with DHS parents. We stayed with DHS folks and had a second big lunch the next day.

I'd have loved Christmas on our own, and they were happy to let us - two or three times they booked themselves out for Christmas lunch - but my parents were both only children too, with just one single cousin nearby, and I know they much preferred it when we were there.

Now they've all died I would love a big family Christmas again, stressful as it was at the time . . . Having two, or three Christmases seems to be the way to go. We could have had Christmas at ours but it saved quite a lot of driving going straight from one to the other . . .

I have 2 and if both of them decided they wanted to do something else at Christmas, I’d never lay on the guilt but wish them a very happy time. There are other days to get together-and tbh, I’d quite like a break from the pressure. Maybe if you chat to them in a non threatening way and suggest things they might do, they might actually come around to having an intimate Christmas rather than the knee jerk’Bit you always come here’ reaction. But even if not, be nice but firm-and if they don’t like it, it’s their problem to deal with.

I'm the mother of an only child. So I see the situation from the other point of view.

Adult child their partner and I have lived together for about 25 years, their choice, but I welcomed it.

I never presume they will spend Xmas with me. Although adult child's partner is the youngest of six, I'm aware that I get the majority of both their time. So I leave it to them.

this year the two of them are going to partners Mum before xmas, and they are cooking a Xmas meal and exchanging presents two weeks before xmas. Partners Mum will be with three of her other children on Xmas day.

adult child, partner and I will have Xmas day together.

when they've chosen to be at partners Mum on Xmas day, they know I'm just fine with this and we celebrate and give gifts on their return.

the thing is, they decide. And they do it knowing neither mum is going to get offended.

So, I'd say to the opening poster, that they should do whatever they wish to do. If either family takes offense, that's on them, not on you.

Oh, and I should say that neither Mothers in this scenario are capable of travelling to each other. we are too Far apart, distance wise, and too old to manage it.

We do one Christmas day and other boxing day then swap the year after.

It is worth it - you only need to tell them once and then the guilt trip is over. One year at parents, one year at in laws and one year on your own.

Same here. If we’re at my in-laws (over 200 miles away) and my siblings are working, my parents are on their own and they seem to enjoy it. They’ll go out for lunch rather than making it themselves. If we’re at home they’ll be with us and my in-laws will be with one of their other children.

I'm an only and have one (young adult) child. When she was small Christmas was horrific - my parents had no-one else, but my MIL who is The Matriarch expected everything to revolve around her, so we ended up doing Christmas Eve with my folks then having to drive halfway up the country on Christmas Day because even though MIL had chosen to go to BILs it was non-negotiable that we were also there.

After three years of this crap, I put my foot down and declared we would see neither family on Christmas Day, which was a bit boring but also much less stressful and DD got to be in her own home with all her toys etc.

Since getting divorced 9 years ago, XH has either been at his new partner's parents place or working so DD and I have a special day on Christmas Eve and spend Christmas Day with my mum (and dad when he was alive), either at ours or hers as she's walking distance so we can have a drink and totter home whenever. DD spends the day with her dad whenever he's back or just before Christmas and fits in the rest of that side of the family if/when she can.

I do sometimes feel a bit of a yearning for big family Christmasses with lots of people and fun and party games, but honestly I suspect the novelty would wear off before I'd eaten the sprout!

Yes, and do it now while all the parents are in good health and not alone because they have one another. The dynamic will be impossible to change otherwise.
Every time they guilt trip you, repeat your offer to host. If they still won’t come they aren’t sad about missing out on your company, they are sad about not having everything their way.
If you do have both sets of parents, perhaps one set could be there on Christmas eve and day and the other Christmas and boxing day, so each gets their time alone.
Perhaps each person could do a meal or a course if they want to act the host.

I would book a lovely holiday for the two of you.
Get your DH to tell your parents that he’s booked it as a surprise gift away for you but to keep it secret then they can’t complain to you!
you could tell his parents the same story. So you each get the blame with the other ones parents.
then don’t give it another thought!

I had an ex who was an only child who expected me to spend every Christmas with his parents. I refused. It wasn’t my parents fault that they had several kids while his parents decided to only have one child. We used to alternate years and you should do the same.

Yep, I have this except my parents are divorced and both want to see me. My mum expects Xmas day and my dad expects Boxing Day.
Throw in a clinical job in NHS working Xmas day this year and my DH who will be working every non bank holiday or weekend day over the Xmas period.
I have no idea how we will find space to breathe

Just don't go anywhere.

Honestly leaving the house at Xmas sounds like a nightmare to me. We always stayed home when I was little, DH alternated between 1 year at home and 1 year with family and he hated the family years, we just stay home with our kids now too.

When the kids have flown I in no way expect them to come entertain me. If they are alone and have nowhere to go I will welcome them obviously but once they have their own families I expect they will put them first. I will just happily toddle my ass off on holiday (preferably a nice hot beach somewhere) and see them in the days before or after Xmas.

Seconding PP, they are not ‘alone’, they are together.