Time for a bad/ bizarre Christmas food thread

[SantaHasABigYuleLog]

Inspired by the shit presents thread tell us about your horror food stories.

I’m from the southern hemisphere, Christmas was all about bbqs, lots of MASSIVE fancy salads, grilled/roasted veg, roasts (mainly lamb), curries, grilled seafood and a million and one desserts. Usually by the beach or in someone’s garden. Huge family and friends gathering together.

My first ‘family’ Christmas in the UK was with my British boyfriend’s family I was expecting the charming, cosy TV scene (I don’t know why, I had visited their house before) It was his parents and sibling, starter was prawn cocktail - a couple prawns were still frozen, one small just cooked chicken (the fat was still jiggly), boiled potatoes and boiled brussels sprouts. No music was playing, no one said anything and the heating wasn’t on either (they were rich by the way so not a money thing) No seasoning at all - not even salt or pepper. After we were done b/f’s father picked the chicken skin and fat from everyone’s plate and ate them.

It was a massive culture shock for me.

My mum read somewhere that orange went well with carrots. So she cooked them in orange squash. They were also boiled to death. I can’t even describe the taste. I think I’ve blocked it from my mind.

😂

That sounds disgusting OP and definitely not the norm . They just sound like poor hosts and poor cooks .

🤢 at the thought of your boyfriend's father picking the chicken skin and fat from everyone's plates and eating it!

Christmas with my exDH's family when he was my boyfriend of most of a year, so I'll call him bf in this story. Bf's mum was a lovely woman and a good cook, in fact - but she was one of those people who makes you, on Xmas Eve, eat a bizarre meal cobbled together from leftovers in the fridge (think of a plate with a sausage roll, a fish finger, 3 or 4 chips...). You pop to the fridge to get some milk when you're making tea and find it groaning with food... By Boxing Day, she was trying to get people to eat massive amounts of food as there was so much and it was "all going to go to waste."

Christmas day, there's bf's mum and dad, his older brother, his grandma and a young cousin who came to them every school holiday because he had alcoholic parents. It's 1986 and bf's mum has recently acquired her first microwave. She's in the kitchen from very early in the morning - putting the turkey in, preparing everything, etc and she refuses all offers of help.

Meanwhile, although I brought two good bottles of wine, these have disappeared into a cupboard somewhere and bf's dad gets out a bottle of warm Liebfraumilch. I refuse it and drink water all day. I also brought a large box of Leonidas chocolates - these similarly disappear and his dad gets ou t the Quality Street.

Eventually, his mum calls us to the table. She has plated up everyone's meal some time ago and is now microwaving each plate, which she then brings through and puts in front of a person, beginning with young cousin, then grandma, then older brother, then dad, then me, then bf. By the time I get mine, everyone else except bf (and his mum) has eaten theirs. His mum obvously sits down with hers last of all and eats alone whilst we all watch. The food was nice enough - but you get the picture as to why it was a crap Christmas meal.

My PIL always cook beef and then slice it with an electric knife. But its always cooked for HOURS and it literally just crumbles. Its impossible to chew if you find a bit still intact. It stays in my mouth for an eternity until I excuse myself and get rid of it in the toilet. My kids never have it now as they have to try and spit it out in napkins. Awful. They must spend a fortune on it to just incinerate it.

Remind me not to invite you to parties...

I’m sorry, I should have said when there are no physical or mental obstacles to learning.
My statement was too sweeping.

My pp statement remains

We're just sharing silly stories.

First Christmas away from home at exh’s parents long before marriage - both awake late hung over from getting in at 2am. Get offered a bacon roll but I could smell sprouts and other assorted veg so turned it down - dinner was 2 hours later and that veg was cooking the whole time!

I cook fine myself and so does my mum no other disasters

We were invited to a friend's for boxing Day, for a second Christmas dinner type of affair, as she wanted to do the whole thing but were compelled to go to her parents on the day. But she really wanted to make Christmas dinner for people.

We offered to bring pudding, help next. Nope.

We got there and were served with garlic bread (the type that is 2 loaves in a plastic bag, you know the sort) for starters. Unusual, but hey ho. She disappeared into kitchen and brought plates of some sort attempt roast. It was some frozen sliced Turkey in gravy, tinned peas and aunt Bessie roasties. Pudding was those little microwave puddings you get in plastic pits in cardboard sleeves.

We ate it, and it wasn't awful, free food and some one else cooking means a double win!

However, we found it odd that this was what she served as her Christmas dinner. We discovered on the day as we were eating, this is roughly what they had for Christmas dinner growing up, and she didn't really know what to do to get a proper roast and pudding.

Invited her to ours for a New Year's "Christmas Dinner", and showed her how to do everything. She cooked again for us about a month later, where in assisted and guided... She practised and we were her official roast testers LOL helped her a bit here and there, reminding her how to make proper gravy etc she went from the Christmas dinner of Doom, to a fantastic roast at Easter, with home made pudding and even made the custard. xx

@Greenscheesecake - while I do agree with you that cooking is a skill that can be learned, I would also say that, like every teachable skill, some people will be much better at it than others, because we all have different abilities.

Take maths, for example - my dh finds maths really easy - if maths were a foreign language, he would speak it like a native, whereas I have always had to work hard to understand it. We both studied the same curriculum, and had good teachers - in fact, I had extra tuition at home because my dad was a maths teacher - but not only did he do better than me at O level - I got a B, he got an A - but numbers and maths still make perfect sense to him, but not to me.

So I can absolutely accept that two people could have the same teaching in the art of cookery, and one could do much better or worse than the other person.

Having done a quick internet search, it seems that ‘savoury lime jello/jelly salads’ and similar veggie dishes were ‘popular’ in the 1960’s.
Some of them look quite disgusting tbh…

OMG no steak pie? I'd have been raging lol

Ken…that said her version of steak pie is an abomination. Rank, over salted tough as old boots stewing steak with a square inch of puff pastry on top. The pastry manages to be simultaneously burnt and soggy. I don’t know how she manages to make it so awful. She’s a lovely lady but she just can’t cook.

I'll hold up my hands here - I take the easy road oot. I buy mine from the butcher's in Lochore.

Footnote

A friend who worked in a Fife school had a conversation with a foreign language assistant who was puzzled at "the large number of children from India" in the school. Aye. She thought they were saying "A'm fae Lahore."

I think this is still a thing in parts of the States?

Same thing happened with my first Christmas turkey. We were baffled by the absence of meat and DH and I had a row, each blaming the other.

Later we spent one Christmas with DB and his GF. She did her best, everyone was served a whole (small) bird each. and the crackers had bottles of spirits inside. Popular with the adults, less so with the kids.

But for some reason she believed that brandy butter was meant to go on the Brussels sprouts. Absolutely vile! We confine it to Christmas Pudding and mince pies.

“brandy butter was meant to go on the Brussels sprouts.”

that could work, but then I’ve always regretted not trying the curried sprouts I saw in Whole Foods

Quite a few people cook and freeze their Christmas dinner. Or parts of it anyway. I think it’s a bit grim 🤮🤮

No, it certainly does not work. Curried sprouts are fine; DH often includes them in a curry. Delicious.

I can understand this if you're feeding a dozen people, but in that case I'd be buying frozen veg anyway, making the gravy beforehand and freezing it, yes, having a cold first course and microwaving the Christmas pud and serving it with cream. So I'd only be worrying about the roast and the roasties on the day.

We make and freeze the braised red cabbage, the stuffing to go in the goose, the duck stock for the gravy, and the breadcrumbs for the bread sauce. Most of it is ingredients partially prepared ahead of time, but the red cabbage is defrosted, heated and served, and tastes fine - in fact, I think it tastes better than if we made it fresh.

I found it made my life a lot easier if I did some of the work ahead of time, then on Christmas Eve, I just had to stuff the bird, make the gravy and bread sauce, and peel the potatoes, sprouts and parsnips - and I can promise you the food tasted exactly the same as if I’d cooked it fresh on the day.

America, that bastion of good taste and fine palates not only brings us roast turkey served with macaroni cheese and pumpkin topped with marshmallows at Thanksvomming, but also Christmas turkey served with vegetables in lime jelly and curried sprouts!

I was once persuaded by an American collèague that macaroni cheese made with tinned condensed milk was the food of the Gods. I tried it, much against better judgment. It was utterly revolting.

sally spit that gum out now you naughty child

I do love a good ending. yay for her and for you