I am absolutely NOT doing this again.

[OogieBoogieWoogie]

Sat here last night sad, and as today has gone on I’m feeling the same again. I feel a mixture of sad, shame and confusion.

My dad has been married a few times (my mum passed away years ago). Despite being invited to my house, or my siblings, or our other extended family, my Dad chose to go to his step family for Christmas That’s ok, but he tells everyone he’s sad and lonely and makes out his own DC do nothing for him. Truth is we do all the hard yards, and his step family get the Disney version. Up until 21 Dec he was coming to mine but then changed his mind.

It’s not fair that I’m sitting here feeling like shit. I spoke to him very early yesterday so as not to intrude on his day with them, but not today as he’s busy with his step family despite the fact that if I don’t speak to him daily I get accused of not caring about him and that he’s lonely.

On the other side PIL blew us off for a better offer despite year on year saying that family is about Christmas and how they want to spend every Christmas with their DGC.

We planned this Christmas around my PIL and my family coming as they get very upset if we are not hosting or not available to them. I could have booked something for to do. If I’d known I could have gone away, or booked lunch out. Instead my Christmas has been disjointed as we didn’t know who was coming till late.

Then I spent a lot of money on thoughtful gifts for extended family both sides. I delivered them and was met with “oh, we aren’t buying presents any more”. So, since I’m the youngest of my siblings, and I had my DC when older, and they had theirs young, I’ve bought presents for their DC (and never missed a birthday or Christmas) for 30 years, but it’s too much hassle to buy my DC now. I got a message this morning asking for my bank details and they’ll bung my DC a few quid. I said, don’t worry, they are fine. Let’s just draw a line under Christmas now and not do gifts anymore. I got a cheque from my parent and PIL. It’s nice I can buy whatever we want but not very thoughtful.

I’m just done with this shit. Christmas just highlights how much of a dickhead my dad is and how my birth family really don’t give a shit about me. My in-laws are no better either WRT my DH and our DC.

AIBU to say f^ck the lot of ya and in 2025 I’ll put me, DH and my DC first and I’ll ignore the complaining from both sets of DGP about “ family” and do what’s best for us rather than waiting around to be thrown a fish and being upset when they don’t? Also, I’m not buying presents any more. I want to say, look if we are just binging cash. You save it your end and I’ll do the same mine. Also, I’m just not extending the invitation to either side next year. I’m booking us out either for lunch or going away. I’m just not going to give them the opportunity to make me feel like shit. If they are lonely that’s bot on me.

Not unreasonable at all.

That all sounds very hurtful. I would be deeply upset by such behaviour.

I do think there is something helpful about deciding what you want to do and stating it. We can spend so much time trying to second guess what everyone else wants. After all, they can invite us, or say what they want.

Do it. COVID was a revelation for me. It was the best Christmas just our own family unit. Tell them all early that next year you're not going to be home and they'll need to sort something out..let them tantrum.

Tell your dad to knock off the pity party and he knows where you are if he wants to ring for a chat.

Just stop.

YANBU at all. I'd stop chasing after your dad so much as well. Phones work both ways.

Their behaviour is very hurtful, OP, and I would sack the lot of them off and do what makes YOU happy next year. I would get a few things off my chest if that were my Dad, his behaviour is horrible. Just look forward to next year, I bet you will have a great time and it will be very freeing disengaging from these people.

YANBU, it's a great idea. New year and a chance to create a new habit where you don't prioritise people who would never do the same for you.

Might be helpful if you do exactly that put your husband and children first but do not give them the pleasure of fuck off conv. Sometimes mirroring is such a good medicine to those who need it.

And yes, total dickheads.

Team fuck the lot of them :)

Focus on you and your family unit.

We mostly stay at home Christmas Day and love how relaxed it is.
My parents do their own thing and sometimes it feels chaotic at PILs.

This year we hosted PIL and an Aunt due to MIL ill health. This was also lovely. (We said no to SIL and her children and their partners as would have been too much)

Re: gifts we only buy for children on my side. And buy for PIL and SIL on DHs side. But it is a token gift. I don't buy for her adult children anymore.

This approach to presents has been liberating!

Definitely make plans not to include your DF or Inlaws next year as they have been incredibly rude this year.

Definitely not unreasonable. Christmas is a 'high stakes' day for most, we put a lot of throught and effort into it, so plan for something lovely with your DH and DC and if others want to visit or host on the days around Christmas then they're a bonus and not in a position to spoil your day.

Your PIL? "You were happy enough to 'miss out' on Christmas with your grandchildren last year so it's obviously not too much of a problem".

Your father? "You can cope perfectly well without me when you choose to, you demonstrated that over Christmas. I'll call you on xx (day when it suits you)".

Put your effort in to pleasing the people who make an effort for you.

How frustrating and upsetting. Put them all out of your mind and spend some time researching and booking a Christmas getaway for you and your immediate family either in the UK or abroad for next year! Screw the lot of them! 😅

Your dad is bad mouthing you to his step family for no reason anyway, so give him a reason and then just let him crack on with it. If you don't see them, you don't have to waste time and energy worrying about it.

Make your own plans for 2025, and put the gift money towards your own Christmas or a break away with your DH and DC.

Put yourself first. How bloody awful. Sending you love x

Sounds grim. But good decision. It's amazing how the things people say that feel so urgent or stressful ('we Must see the grandchildren more! I'm so lonely!) turn out to be largely people just flapping their mouths and if you say 'oh well, we're doing X, looking forward to it' they respond more to the sense that you are secure in what you're doing.

Come back to this thread if you get pressured.

I had similar so started booking Christmas hols away in the Alps. I've a fantastic Christmas every year since with DD &DP and friends doing the same. Win-win for us all.

Op, well done. Leave it until you are calmer and not upset, and then phone/message and just state the facts. We were a bit disappointed you didn't visit this year. It meant we were on our own and didn't make plans. So, this year, we have decided we are going to go away for Christmas as a family. Just letting you know early so you know that we will be away.

With regards to presents, I feel your pain. Currently buying nieces and nephews presents when they earn more than me! With my friends, we had a clear agreement - presents stop at 21. Why we didn't do it with family, who knows!

Best thing you can do is tell the lot of them that in future you will be focusing on your dc only and dh and they can focus on theirs. And dont let anyone pressure you otherwise. I've not had the best of xmas either and next year will be completely different and drastically putting boundaries in place for ungrateful people etc

Do what works for you

@OogieBoogieWoogie i really feel for you. Sometimes family are the most ungrateful people ever. Next Christmas look after ypur own x

Believe me I understand how you feel. My mum remarried years ago and my dad died a long time ago. Every year without fail she prioritises her husband's family. My oldest is nearly 13 and has seen her once years ago on Christmas day. She spends most of Christmas and new year with his family. We get a little of what's left timewise which by then she is exhausted and grumpy running around after his family. Its horrible to know you never come first. We are never even asked is it ok or does it suit you just expected to fit in.

My younger 2 kids have never stayed at hers despite having asked repeatedly and her step grand child having stayed. Next year will be different I am not spending my boxing day morning scrubbing the house for her to turn up and critisce me for taking my kids out to a special treat on Christmas eve (which we can more than afford and it's not like she invited us to a "family" thing she held). She is getting told no.

I feel for you op. It's heartbreaking to know you and your kids are less important everytime. Dhs family are not much better but at least his mum does make a point of seeing the kids on Christmas day.

I got to a point in my life where I said I'm never doing anything I don't want to do again!!!! And I've stuck to it. I'm so much happier now and don't take crap from anybody. Just wish I'd done it sooner!!

Does your DD still believe in Santa? If so how do you manage presents? I am wondering about going away next year.

Could you arrange to go away for a few days so that you have the perfect excuse not to bother with family? A few days in a country or seaside cottage with DH and DC would be lovely.
Your dad sounds like a child! Very much like my FIL was after MIL died. He took up with a woman who had him under the thumb. He went on about how proud he was of his children and grandchildren but he did everything with his "new" family. Unfortunately one of his GC shared a birthday with a stepGC and he was never allowed to see his granddaughter on her birthday again

Next year plan your Christmas Day and present buying for your own nuclear family.

If other relatives then do want to see you offer them Boxing Day or one of the Chrimbo Limbo days.

I'd say do what you have spelt out at the bottom. Family and in laws are sounding selfish or disconnected from the real world, so forget bending over backwards for them. Have the Christmas you want, not the one they might 'pop into' on a whim if they can be bothered.