I am absolutely NOT doing this again.

[OogieBoogieWoogie]

Sat here last night sad, and as today has gone on I’m feeling the same again. I feel a mixture of sad, shame and confusion.

My dad has been married a few times (my mum passed away years ago). Despite being invited to my house, or my siblings, or our other extended family, my Dad chose to go to his step family for Christmas That’s ok, but he tells everyone he’s sad and lonely and makes out his own DC do nothing for him. Truth is we do all the hard yards, and his step family get the Disney version. Up until 21 Dec he was coming to mine but then changed his mind.

It’s not fair that I’m sitting here feeling like shit. I spoke to him very early yesterday so as not to intrude on his day with them, but not today as he’s busy with his step family despite the fact that if I don’t speak to him daily I get accused of not caring about him and that he’s lonely.

On the other side PIL blew us off for a better offer despite year on year saying that family is about Christmas and how they want to spend every Christmas with their DGC.

We planned this Christmas around my PIL and my family coming as they get very upset if we are not hosting or not available to them. I could have booked something for to do. If I’d known I could have gone away, or booked lunch out. Instead my Christmas has been disjointed as we didn’t know who was coming till late.

Then I spent a lot of money on thoughtful gifts for extended family both sides. I delivered them and was met with “oh, we aren’t buying presents any more”. So, since I’m the youngest of my siblings, and I had my DC when older, and they had theirs young, I’ve bought presents for their DC (and never missed a birthday or Christmas) for 30 years, but it’s too much hassle to buy my DC now. I got a message this morning asking for my bank details and they’ll bung my DC a few quid. I said, don’t worry, they are fine. Let’s just draw a line under Christmas now and not do gifts anymore. I got a cheque from my parent and PIL. It’s nice I can buy whatever we want but not very thoughtful.

I’m just done with this shit. Christmas just highlights how much of a dickhead my dad is and how my birth family really don’t give a shit about me. My in-laws are no better either WRT my DH and our DC.

AIBU to say f^ck the lot of ya and in 2025 I’ll put me, DH and my DC first and I’ll ignore the complaining from both sets of DGP about “ family” and do what’s best for us rather than waiting around to be thrown a fish and being upset when they don’t? Also, I’m not buying presents any more. I want to say, look if we are just binging cash. You save it your end and I’ll do the same mine. Also, I’m just not extending the invitation to either side next year. I’m booking us out either for lunch or going away. I’m just not going to give them the opportunity to make me feel like shit. If they are lonely that’s bot on me.

When they moan next year when you say you're not hosting, point out that you were going to host last year but they cancelled last minute, which put you to some inconvenience.

Explain that after that, you want to make definite plans, and will be doing XYZ with your own family this time around.

End of discussion.

You dad sounds like a dick. I had one similar, I was constantly running around second-guessing him, being given flack for forgetting his GF's birthday when he forgot DH's and the DC's. Life was very much nicer when I decided that keeping him sweet (an impossible task) wasn't my problem.

I too am just about done. Ungrateful family who just ‘expect’ without a thought about anyone else. I’m already looking at booking a holiday over next Christmas. DH says we can’t afford it, I’ll work my arse off to make sure we can!

The whole ‘lonely’ bollocks is just being used as a lever to manipulate you. Seems your DF is only ‘lonely’ when you’re not springing to attention every time he wants a phone call or an invitation, but then he needs you to fade out and shut up when it’s not convenient, and you definitely shouldn’t make any demands on him or his time. There’s absolutely nothing reciprocal about the relationship you’ve described. No mutual respect or care, just a totally one way street, and that’s not how any adult relationship should work.

And you say about the in-laws, ‘they get very upset if we are not hosting or not available to them’, but then blow you off for a better offer without a second thought. Who does that?! It’s not just unbelievably rude, it’s literally showing you where you are in their list of priorities.

Feels like there’s a pattern here, OP. The whole bloody lot of them take it for granted that you’ll be there at their beck and call, hosting, phoning, running around after them. But even worse, they know they can treat you like shit without repercussions and just pick up where they left off. Do you usually people please, hide your hurt feelings, try to keep the peace? Because they seem to assume you’ll just suck up their bad behaviour.

In the coming year I’d take every opportunity to disabuse them of that notion. Set a higher bar for yourself in terms of how you expect to be treated, and limit your interactions with people who only take and never give.

Be prepared for the shit to hit the fan and for you to be the villain - there’s nothing users hate more than suddenly having boundaries enforced by someone they regard as a doormat. They’ll see it as you being difficult, rather than a natural consequence of their own behaviour. But stick to your guns. You deserve much, much better from people you do so much for.

Yanbu

Next year use all the money you would've spent on those thoughtful gifts and take your family on holiday over Christmas!

A lot of people don't realise the impact their behaviour has on others. It sounds like your family are doing their own thing and don't realise how they are hurting you. It's not an excuse but unfortunately I've realised it's selfish nature.

I would put your efforts into your family and good friends. If your family want to be with you they'll be in touch. But don't wait for them or expect them to. You may be disappointed. Live your life making lovely plans and outings- you'll not regret making them instead of waiting for other people to get involved. You deserve better

After many years spending a lot on thoughtful presents for in-laws and children (whilst being hosted by SiL) said Sil informed us we'd sleeping on the lounge floor 'cos GN didn't want to give up bed!'. We subsequently found out the wasn't true. She just didn't have the b...to say. Clearly she didn't want us there any more so the next year we went abroad and had a fab time So much so that we never went there again at Christmas.
Then we moved to same part of the country and after a few fruitless attempts to create 'memories' with activities and games we've given up and become 'the miserable old gits'. Last year, whilst turning up to deliver cards we were handed a wicker basket wit random items collected from the kitchen a potted plant, a box of Thorntons choc (they know I'm diabetic) and a box of Toffeeis, (see previous comment)BandSiL gave up giving presents some years ago and this year stopped cards too. Second N has never done cards and this year has given up on pressies to (indeed, she said to us a couple of years ago that she' forgets we even live here' So, this year (without 'virtue signalling' we've made significant donations to charities. Sod 'em

🤣Santa....never introduced that one. We give 2 presents: one made for the receiver and another from a charity shop..... All have to be under £5 each. I take DD to classes in preparation to going away. If the choice is to remain, presents and Christmas dinner 2 weeks ahead. I then go on time. It all worked well , although DD very overfed on my return.

I would take this as a blessing as their behaviour has allowed you to give yourself permission to suit only your own DH and children for Christmas going forward.
Seriously I'd be happy about that because I'm in a similar situation and this Christmas was the first that I did what I wanted to as a reaction to behaviour from others and it was AMAZING. Sure some family was shocked but it made it so easy for me to be able to say no because of xxx what happened last time, we will be doing xxx for Christmas from now on.
You don't need to prioritise people who don't do it for you.

I think all you have to do is sow the seeds early. Since we were cancelled on this year we’re planing to have christmas away next year, and keep saying it and how excited you are about going to x place. Before they have chance to conveniently forget what they did.

I would write a letter to myself and store it in the Xmas tree box.
I would remind myself all about what happened this year and how it made me feel and how I reacted.

If you do this, you will be able to accurately remember what happened and help frame the decision next year. You will be able to use the feelings you express to help you be resolute about what you decide to do next Christmas

Tell them as soon as you see them next year, Christmas 2025 we won't be around we are going away.

That’s great advice. No need to fall out with family but leave ALL the running to them next year if they want to see you. Do not wait for their plans forge ahead with your own.

OP you’re right. Don’t prioritize people who don’t prioritize you. Don’t worry about what they think or what they say. Just focus on what works best for you and your family.

Often, with close relationships, we need to find our anger to see what we should do. You’re absolutely on the right track about putting your family first next year.

But then the anger fades and the old emotions of fear, obligation and guilt creep back, and we feel a bit ashamed of the anger.

The key is to hold onto the solution you’ve found and then practice bringing some softer energy into it. Try saying the piece about not doing presents angrily. Then change your tone and say it kindly. Or as if it’s the most reasonable thing in the world. Say it like you’re doing them a favour. Say it sadly. Say it like you’re trying to induce guilt. I know it sounds bonkers but when you do this out loud, in the privacy of your own bathroom, it is a revelation. And it helps me hold the good sense solution and bring it with me when the anger fades.

You’re on the right track op.

You are letting this happen. Stop. Take control. Decide your plan and stick to it. You do not deserve or need any of this. If asked just tell the absolute truth.

YANBU definitely. I gave up on family Christmas and trying to please everyone a few years ago. Too many emotional control freaks out there who use the same tactics as your dad or talk you down in full company and its not just dads who do this either. Do Christmas for your family, if others want to come over then its your home and your rules.

I'm late to this thread , but I hear you op . Spent about 6 years buying for 5 adults and 6 kids every birthday for all , Christmas the same , and Easter eggs for the children.
On our babies first year , suddenly , we got the stop the presents decision as well .

What’s that supposed definition of madness… Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? These people are selfish and know you are a pushover. Stop feeling beholden to them. Stop letting their empty words about ‘feeling lonely’ get to you.

They are grown up people making their own choices to suit themselves. You need to do the same. Set out what you want to do and let them fit in. If they can’t, well tough shit. Their loss.