I am absolutely NOT doing this again.

[OogieBoogieWoogie]

Sat here last night sad, and as today has gone on I’m feeling the same again. I feel a mixture of sad, shame and confusion.

My dad has been married a few times (my mum passed away years ago). Despite being invited to my house, or my siblings, or our other extended family, my Dad chose to go to his step family for Christmas That’s ok, but he tells everyone he’s sad and lonely and makes out his own DC do nothing for him. Truth is we do all the hard yards, and his step family get the Disney version. Up until 21 Dec he was coming to mine but then changed his mind.

It’s not fair that I’m sitting here feeling like shit. I spoke to him very early yesterday so as not to intrude on his day with them, but not today as he’s busy with his step family despite the fact that if I don’t speak to him daily I get accused of not caring about him and that he’s lonely.

On the other side PIL blew us off for a better offer despite year on year saying that family is about Christmas and how they want to spend every Christmas with their DGC.

We planned this Christmas around my PIL and my family coming as they get very upset if we are not hosting or not available to them. I could have booked something for to do. If I’d known I could have gone away, or booked lunch out. Instead my Christmas has been disjointed as we didn’t know who was coming till late.

Then I spent a lot of money on thoughtful gifts for extended family both sides. I delivered them and was met with “oh, we aren’t buying presents any more”. So, since I’m the youngest of my siblings, and I had my DC when older, and they had theirs young, I’ve bought presents for their DC (and never missed a birthday or Christmas) for 30 years, but it’s too much hassle to buy my DC now. I got a message this morning asking for my bank details and they’ll bung my DC a few quid. I said, don’t worry, they are fine. Let’s just draw a line under Christmas now and not do gifts anymore. I got a cheque from my parent and PIL. It’s nice I can buy whatever we want but not very thoughtful.

I’m just done with this shit. Christmas just highlights how much of a dickhead my dad is and how my birth family really don’t give a shit about me. My in-laws are no better either WRT my DH and our DC.

AIBU to say f^ck the lot of ya and in 2025 I’ll put me, DH and my DC first and I’ll ignore the complaining from both sets of DGP about “ family” and do what’s best for us rather than waiting around to be thrown a fish and being upset when they don’t? Also, I’m not buying presents any more. I want to say, look if we are just binging cash. You save it your end and I’ll do the same mine. Also, I’m just not extending the invitation to either side next year. I’m booking us out either for lunch or going away. I’m just not going to give them the opportunity to make me feel like shit. If they are lonely that’s bot on me.

Do your own thing next year.
Every year I try to please everyone and end up having the worst time.
I am booking a lodge with a hot tub and not doing traditional xmas.
Not inviting anyone else.

Now that they’ve let you down this year, they’ve broken the chain of you hosting. Use this to your advantage. Absolutely do your own thing from now on! If they try to make you feel bad you can point back to Christmas 2024 where they all did their thing.

That reminds me of my former SIL. After buying her son gifts every year when he turned 18 and mine were 5 and 1 she said she wasn’t buying gifts anymore! Some people are just selfish. Maybe write them a message explaining how you feel.

I’d do exactly what you want to do next year!

Go out for lunch, go on holiday or just close the curtains and have a lovely day with just your wee family unit x

I wouldnt even bother telling them what you're going to be doing next Christmas. Don't let other people make the decisions about what sort of Christmas you're going to have - decide for yourself and make the arrangements - book a break somewhere for your own family and relax and enjoy it without all the nonsense and game playing that some people love to indulge in.
If/when they ask you, you can just say "Oh we're going away for Christmas! Just the four of us - I'm really looking forward to it!"
Or just chill at home and tell them "we're having a quiet one - I'm really looking forward to it!"
Pretty sure they'll get the message.

I would do whatever the he'll you want next year. Book a holiday or book a table, whatever suits you. When they start sniffing about asking your plans tell them you're busy, and you'll see them whenever. Don't expand or explain. F* them!

Absolutely not unreasonable. How disappointing for you and how flakey and rude of them!
Put the money you spend on presents for the ungrateful bastards into having a lovely Christmas with your DH and DC and fuck the lot of them.

Life is too short to waste time and energy on toxic people. Establish boundaries and stick to them.

Not unreasonable at all to make your own plans for next year.

However know that they'll all find a way to blame you-they really were going to attend this year and now you've ruined Christmas for everybody. Smile and keep the reservations elsewhere.

They don't deserve you OP.

"AIBU to say f^ck the lot of ya and in 2025 I’ll put me, DH and my DC first"

Surely this is what you should be doing anywya isnt it? Even if everyone else was nice to you, your husband and child should always come first no matter what.

Use the money they gave you this year to put towards eating out next year!

Sounds like they are all happy to put themselves first and it's time for you to do the same, OP.

Book yourselves a holiday abroad next year so you are completely removed from the drama and can claim to not have a signal for the entirety.

Not one of them sound bothered OP..Time you took a leaf out of their book and do your own thing. They have treated you very badly in my view.

Not unreasonable at all, but there’s one significant thing I’d do differently to you.

Id lay it all out for them. Tell them exactly why Christmas is only going to be about your own family from now on, tell them exactly how they have pissed you off, and explain in minute detail to your Dad, how you’re sick and tired of him creating a lonely victim narrative for himself, when it’s so far removed from the truth-and make sure his step family is aware it’s all bullshit.
Vindicate yourself, then cut them all off next Christmas 🤣

Family politics and bullshit absolutely does my fecking head in. DH and I cut off one toxic branch from our family 5 years ago, and we haven’t spoken to them since-bliss!! There’s a couple of others we have gone low contact with.
Just because there’s DNA involved, doesn’t mean you have to engage if all you get back is toxic bullshit

Same here, years of buying presents for DH's 8 nephews and nieces, then when our kids came along 10-12 years later it was convenient for the in laws to stop doing presents at that stage.

I have the same issue with my dad. Our relationship is pretty broken in all fairness and it's mainly his fault but I try. ILs don't care. We haven't been invited to spend Christmas with them in 14 years and they always decline our offer. So every year it's just our little family and nobody else. DD got a box of biscuits and I left the ILs gifts up to DH. He chose not to buy then anything. So it's been a fairly stressful free time this year. Sometimes taking a step back is just refreshing.

I'd definitely do that with PIL for next Christmas, but it's a bit too kind to her father.

Since "he tells everyone he’s sad and lonely and makes out his own DC do nothing for him", I'd be bluntly telling him that I don't want to make a liar out of him (yes, that exact phrase) so from now on I will make him a truthful man and do nothing for him. I might even throw in that it will be good for him to see what family doing nothing for him actually feels like, because you've put up with that exact situation for far too long and it's his turn now.

I'd book Christmas dinner in a restaurant. If they want to join you, they can give you the money for their meal in advance.

If they aren't doing presents then they should have told you in advance. Next year buy nothing and enjoy the gift of not having to think about other peoples wants and not spending hours wrapping shit.

So sorry they have done this to you, it's pretty shit to be honest.
100% next year book you and your family a little break away or a nice restaurant and screw the rest of them!! All the money you will save on their presents will pay for it no doubt.
Just enjoy yourself without having the stress of trying to please everyone else. They obviously didn't think twice about spending time together this Christmas so why should you for future ones?

I’d say screw the lot of them and put your own family first. You and your DC deserve better, as I’ve gotten older I’m much better at saying how I feel and putting my own needs and my DDs needs first.

I am so sorry OP, this sounds really painful and horrible behaviour by them. Please make the coming year about you and the family you have made, and not about obligation or what it seems you 'should' do. I think setting clear limits and boundaries with them is a great idea. And whether you go away or stay home, you can make the kind of Christmas you want without making space for hurtful people in it.

We've flown to family for a few Xmases, when the kids were small I told them that I'd notified Santa of our new Xmas address and so took some things hidden in an extra suitcase for the 25th.
Another time I said I'd notified the elves to bring our presents the week before we left ("Santa and the elves dont actually bring everything Xmas night, that would be impossible, they make regular drop offs throughout December and the parents hide them ready for Xmas morning" - keeping it all age appropriate with what they've probably worked out for themselves). So we had an early Xmas day at home and just family gifts on the 25th.

This sounds a lovely idea. My youngest is still very much a Santa believer and probably will be next year to so I have avoided going away over Christmas so far. We haven't got family to go to oversees anymore but I think a lovely Christmas on the beach would be fantastic for us all.

Not unreasonable at all. They had their chance, were invited yet declined v last minute. More than anything that’s bloody rude! 100% from now onwards do what you want for your immediate family. Life is too short to try and please other people who treat you terribly.

110% get that Christmas holiday booked for next year and make some happy memories.