I don't know how to stop this. Ridiculous gift giving

[jhar]

I have name changed. This is a ridiculous problem when so many people, including us, are struggling.

But it is genuinely making me feel unwell.

We have four children, two adopted, two natural after being told that would not happen.

We are older parents, 40s.

Ours are the only little children.

I gave up a long career to be at home. DH is a tenant farmer. We lead a very rural, very simple life.

I have a holiday cottage, I work at the school and I volunteer.

So that's the background.

I've cut gifts to others and to adults as much as possible.

I cannot move in my house tonight.

There was Santa, one thing and a stocking x four.

Then we saw DH family, 8 adults. Then my family, same.

Then the stuff under the tree, we have not even got to. The children are absolutely exhausted.

My plan is,
Charity
Present and fundraising pile
My work
Then broken things bin obviously.

The children are close in age, tend to have same things.

Every year I BEG one gift, and am met with sacks of presents. I know, I know, it's lovely. But it is to much.

We are so rural, I can't ask for passes as there is nothing. I suggested cash for a trip, that was frowned upon.

I get it, I do. I would rather gift than receive but this is crazy. None of these people are rich. My mother is the worst, bags and bags and bags of stuff per child. They are so overwhelmed and it's just crazy.

Twins birthday is December which does not help.

Then people give me things, for helping them. But I help them because I can. And I am happy to do so.

I've said no presents, I've said one gift only.

I am not a materialistic person. If you give me something I pass it on. I'm the one twenty years married with the unopened china.

I can PASS all this, I understand that, but I just would rather people spent that on themselves.

Any ideas? Please. 🙏

Be firm next year and brutally honest, early on. October.

"I'm letting you all know in advance we won't be accepting any bags of presents for the kids this year. We are thankful for your generosity but last year was just too much, materialistically and emotionally for the kids. A lot ended up donated so please can we limit Christmas to one present per child. Thankyou for understanding "

You could also suggest if they really want to go all out for a child they could do the gift tree donations for needy children.

@Rosbeet ok. That does sound ok.

It's bloody ridiculous. The dogs are attempting to get under the tree. So I've just gathered up some from people that look food like. I have seven boxes of mince pies here. All out of date today. That's fine. I can freeze them. But where?

No food banks within forty miles.

I'm aware I sound absolutely ridiculous but I can't stand this waste.

These are my ladies I do prescription and grocery runs for. I've told them time and time again that I am going anyway.

I ask people to do books or this year asked people to record themselves reading a book for my kids. But yes, it’s insane and so annoying - I hate the endless stuff..

@Aimtodobetter reading a book. That's a great idea. 💡

And @Aimtodobetter did they listen and follow that.

Just thinking four children and so many books.

if They really want to give to your children, could you suggest one gift then anything over would be appreciated as a payment to their savings account?

I only have one child and my house is overflowing with gifts so I sympathise. Everyone goes mad, she gets so much she can't even look at, never mind appreciate it all. We ask every year to buy less / buy vouchers / experiences but no one listens or they give us that AND a sack of presents. The worst of it is that the same people then bitch about how much stuff I have in my house..! They don't seem to see the irony!

So interested in why you state that 2 children are adopted and 2 natural?

Ask for clothes, nightwear or socks in the next size up

I've been in a similar position and I remember how overwhelming it was.
What did not work was saying it was too much, I tried that asked they thought I was just being mean.
As soon as they started school though I said they had learned in school about helping those less well off and the children wanted no presents for themselves but presents they could give to others.
That solved it straight away and the extended family starting giving small gifts and vouchers only it was such a relief.
Are you close enough to school age that you can ride it out until then?

Isn’t that obvious? To explain why she has so many children - before there’s a pile-on.

@KneesUnder I've tried, they won't do it

@berksandbeyond yup, same. Oh your house used to be so nice. Monica.

@ROHnotok hmmm. I think because I forget that I'm not moaning to real life friends here. I think we went through so much, that I need to justify why I now have four under five. In a very small cottage. Who are all the same to me but I'm very judged. Very. And our experience was very public locally. Oh I could tell some stories of stuff being dumped at the door. It's just crazy.

@TinselQueen yes that I do, but again so expensive and then they say oh we had to get them something fun as well.

@wobblyweewoman I could start this thank you.

@Thewrongdoor thank you 🙏 yes, judged every minute of every day

Can you set up savings accounts for the children and encourage giving to those?

Yes,. because if she doesn't explain at the outset someone on Mumsnet will criticise her choice to have four and then she will explain and get accused of a drip feed. Mumsnet is savage like that

@chocolatespreadsandwich I tried this. And it went down like a chocolate mantelpiece.

And yes, totally. I tried to set out how we got here. Which is a wonderful place to be. Albeit I have to give myself a shake everyday.

I didn’t realise this at all! It just struck me as strange. I understand now - sorry you feel judged all the time :(

I completely understand how you feel. I have 2 up 2 down house and I dread Christmas. It actually makes me feel very down thinking where I can put the stuff.

With family could you set a budget? Under 10 in presents say? With the nice ladies could you say your eldest is really into x charity eg local dogs home and he’s trying to raise £100 by Christmas so could they contribute to that instead?

I feel your pain. My MIL buys my DD way too much, added to this MIL’s friends (some of whom I have never met) buy gifts, her aunt (so my dd’s GGAunt), her cousins as well as her siblings all buy multiple presents.

There is so much unnecessary wastage, it genuinely upsets me. I have repeatedly asked for just one present and only from close family but it falls on deaf ears…

I have already sorted out 3 big bags for the charity shop.

Could you request consumables? E.g. craft stuff, paper, colouring pens, activity sets, food treats, bubble baths, even clothes. Stuff that will eventually be used up or you would need to buy anyway. You could have your kids clothed for the year like this 😆

My in-laws buy too much, not quite the same scale as yours by the sounds of it but still too much. Suggested money into savings as pp suggested but they aren't keen. Also complained about having to buy for so many children (4 grandkids) 🙄

On a separate note I'm sorry to hear you get judged for the number of children you have (is it because of number or did I misinterpret that?). I am the eldest of 5, but was born early 90s and think there was less disapproval about big families then although there were certainly many comments, just the usual no TV ones etc. so funny 🧐 4 under 5 sounds absolutely manic (I have 2) but wish I could manage more and have a 3rd as I think bigger families are lovely.

Perhaps a church that knows of families in need? I’m sorry you are being judged. 💐

@ROHnotok no need to apologise, I probably shouldn't have out that as to be fair I never think about it now, but I was trying not to drip feed. Sometimes when I say or introduce them, I get people counting and telling me it's impossible. The twins are no identical and actually one looks like my youngest. So then my third feels left out.

@Sunshineandrainbow yes this is exactly how I feel. Sick and panicky.

@WitcheryDivine I would love this. But they would then starve themselves doing both. I've said to them if you get me a present I will stop helping you. Even that didn't work.

@BlueyandBingo YES. Oh this is a bag from all the ladies at church. They had a collection for you. WHY.

My children are outdoors. They have ponies, they have two quad bikes. The house is overflowing. They would bring in every injured and poorly animal they find. They are thriving. It's just crazy.