I don't know how to stop this. Ridiculous gift giving

[jhar]

I have name changed. This is a ridiculous problem when so many people, including us, are struggling.

But it is genuinely making me feel unwell.

We have four children, two adopted, two natural after being told that would not happen.

We are older parents, 40s.

Ours are the only little children.

I gave up a long career to be at home. DH is a tenant farmer. We lead a very rural, very simple life.

I have a holiday cottage, I work at the school and I volunteer.

So that's the background.

I've cut gifts to others and to adults as much as possible.

I cannot move in my house tonight.

There was Santa, one thing and a stocking x four.

Then we saw DH family, 8 adults. Then my family, same.

Then the stuff under the tree, we have not even got to. The children are absolutely exhausted.

My plan is,
Charity
Present and fundraising pile
My work
Then broken things bin obviously.

The children are close in age, tend to have same things.

Every year I BEG one gift, and am met with sacks of presents. I know, I know, it's lovely. But it is to much.

We are so rural, I can't ask for passes as there is nothing. I suggested cash for a trip, that was frowned upon.

I get it, I do. I would rather gift than receive but this is crazy. None of these people are rich. My mother is the worst, bags and bags and bags of stuff per child. They are so overwhelmed and it's just crazy.

Twins birthday is December which does not help.

Then people give me things, for helping them. But I help them because I can. And I am happy to do so.

I've said no presents, I've said one gift only.

I am not a materialistic person. If you give me something I pass it on. I'm the one twenty years married with the unopened china.

I can PASS all this, I understand that, but I just would rather people spent that on themselves.

Any ideas? Please. 🙏

I've seen a lovely idea recently where you encourage reverse gift giving to help before you get a load more. A couple of weeks before Christmas you ask the children to fill up their stockings with things they no longer want/need and to put them under the tree for other children who may want/need them instead. Then you put the stuff in a bag and nip it to the charity shop. This way you get a clear out pre-xmas and a charity shop gets some nice toys in the run up to Christmas that a struggling mum may really appreciate. I think it's a lovely idea because come January they get so many donations but struggling parents need the help in December, not Jan! Maybe consider implementing this going forward? Also teaches the kids about charity, a time for giving, etc, etc.

Only other thing you can do is keep reiterating how you don't have the room for 'stuff' with 4 kids in the house. Drill it into them!

Maybe you need to be a bit brutal. Send a group wattsapp/text/letter 'thank you for all the gifts. We've asked you to cut back as we've got way too much. With that in mind, the kids have kept a,b,c but d,e and f have been donated to those in greater need.' 🤷‍♀️

Maybe once they can see you're giving stuff away they'll listen

PIL used to turn up at ours with literally bags full of stuff for the kids, we used to ask them nicely not to but it only stopped when I stopped them at the door and told them to put it back in the car before they came in reminding them that we’d already told them we didn’t have space or need more ‘stuff’ - I appreciate it’s harder with people you don’t know well but could you stop them when they give it and say you appreciate the thought but you really don’t have space?

Good luck anyway 😊. Maybe take some time to try and get an influential family member on side who can be your ally for next year. Got a bossy assertive SIL?

This may not help at all, but one year when DS was tiny, I gave all family and friends the message that he really, really wanted a treehouse for the garden and would everyone contribute to that instead of giving individual gifts. I showed them a picture of the treehouse and said we'd get an engraved plaque to say it was a gift from friends and family. That worked well.

We still have the plaque - the treehouse is long gone.

Could you pick and "advertise" an expensive big gift and ask loved ones to contribute to that instead?

OP can you try insisting on a strictly no plastic policy? Admittedly that still leaves clothes, books, consumables and experiences but at least it's a start.

What upsets me is seeing all the stuff that is going to end up in landfill, so this year I said no plastic. It's worked really well.

It's worth a try. I know exactly where you are coming from. All this 'stuff' everywhere is just ridiculous. Future generations will surely think we were all mad.

I have four grandchildren between 9 & 20m. They have way too much stuff imo. I make a point of one small gift each plus something joint for the garden/outdoors (like you OP they are very rural) and each of them gets a voucher for the local shoe shop that mum can use to buy shoes as needed during the year.

As far as the parents are concerned the shoe voucher is the best gift!
Might be worth finding something similar that would help you and the children will enjoy choosing at some point in the year!

Good luck OP your life sounds amazingly chaotic ❤️

You might need to shift your mindset a bit. Not that you are wrong, but you are stressed. The purpose of the mince pies was primarily to thank you. They've fulfilled that purpose. The secondary purpose, to feed people mag or may not be fulfilled. But the primary purpose was. So either your family eat them or you bin them. Don't feel bad either way, they've done their job!

We have seven, three of whom are extended family members we adopted unexpectedly (I mention this for the same reason you did - we’ve found ourself navigating some unplanned big family challenges). Even with a large home it’s just a constant struggle to manage the stuff and Christmas is the worst time of year for it.

We’ve used a multi-prong approach:

1. Be very, very honest with anyone we can. Stay away from the moralizing and talk of materialism and just stick to the practical - we simply don’t have the space for a bunch of toys and our DC end up getting too overwhelmed to really enjoy a bunch of gifts at once, and it forces us to give away items that we can’t store.
2. We reduce what we give and focus on a big gift that we wouldn’t expect others to give. When possible we will ask family to buy things to “optimize” that gift, so the child who got his first little dirt bike from us this year also got a custom painted helmet & safety gear from one set of grandparents and an inexpensive used go-pro from the other. We gifted one some baking classes and asked grandparents to give items related to that. We encourage wrapping individual items separately if they want bulk.
3. We do ask for experience/activity items but wherever possible we encourage the giver to be a part of it, and people seem to enjoy that more.
4. Consumables - baking supplies, craft supplies, bubble bath, refills of some science-experiment supplies, specific treats they love, seeds and bulbs for my little gardener (this is an easy one to suggest for people wanting to give a token), temporary tattoos/stickers/face paint
5. Outdoor items and things that will stay at grandparents’ homes
6. Stuff that doesn’t take space. Removable wallpaper/murals for play spaces/bedrooms go up and down without much fuss and can be replaced every year or two. Audiobooks. Digital games. More options open up here as they grow.
7. Plan a clean out/donation run before Christmas

Op as an idea. Could you pick something truly expensive? A really large 12ft trampoline. A very nice outdoor play area. Bikes. And then, tell your family this is the one gift and you would like £ towards it. Anything else will be given back. You'd like it for the garden. As the children grow there will be other things. Musical instruments. Scooters. Table tennis table etc etc. all useful. All loads of fun. All a single item 😂

Could you ask for outdoor toys / a shared outdoor toy next year?
Or a 'day out' in the school holidays/ weekend where they pay for a day out.
'Adopt a pet' for a year so they all have a subscription to an animal through a charity/ zoo?

I wonder if you saying not to get much makes them feel sorry for the kids and buy more?

Thank you all. Some great ideas and support here, I'm sorry so many of you have been faced with this.

The children do have loads, even with me cutting back it's more than I would think is normal.

I'm going to say one thing, two Barbie dream houses. Two.

We live in a cottage.

I'm feeling more positive this morning.

Shall think about more focused ideas next year. I know I have my issues with the stuff for me, and I can cope with that. But Barbie has given me the rage, her and her friends.