I don't know how to stop this. Ridiculous gift giving

[jhar]

I have name changed. This is a ridiculous problem when so many people, including us, are struggling.

But it is genuinely making me feel unwell.

We have four children, two adopted, two natural after being told that would not happen.

We are older parents, 40s.

Ours are the only little children.

I gave up a long career to be at home. DH is a tenant farmer. We lead a very rural, very simple life.

I have a holiday cottage, I work at the school and I volunteer.

So that's the background.

I've cut gifts to others and to adults as much as possible.

I cannot move in my house tonight.

There was Santa, one thing and a stocking x four.

Then we saw DH family, 8 adults. Then my family, same.

Then the stuff under the tree, we have not even got to. The children are absolutely exhausted.

My plan is,
Charity
Present and fundraising pile
My work
Then broken things bin obviously.

The children are close in age, tend to have same things.

Every year I BEG one gift, and am met with sacks of presents. I know, I know, it's lovely. But it is to much.

We are so rural, I can't ask for passes as there is nothing. I suggested cash for a trip, that was frowned upon.

I get it, I do. I would rather gift than receive but this is crazy. None of these people are rich. My mother is the worst, bags and bags and bags of stuff per child. They are so overwhelmed and it's just crazy.

Twins birthday is December which does not help.

Then people give me things, for helping them. But I help them because I can. And I am happy to do so.

I've said no presents, I've said one gift only.

I am not a materialistic person. If you give me something I pass it on. I'm the one twenty years married with the unopened china.

I can PASS all this, I understand that, but I just would rather people spent that on themselves.

Any ideas? Please. 🙏

@littlesnatchabook yes absolutely. I take as much as I can to the playgroup I run. And borrow back when I run out.

@lochmaree thank you. And you would manage, you just have to.

@Overtheatlantic they are part of my problem! Despite what I've told them.

It's like I might have to stop helping people. Then they won't help me.

It's very hard to deal with people who simply won't listen to you.

Ask the family for books instead of piles of plastic tat?

You could take toys you're sure won't be used and donate to a women's refuge or other charity.

How about you yourself cut out the stocking next year and just give one gift per child?

Absolutely feel for you OP. I have three children 2-7. Between family we used to do one present per person, but once I realised we had reached the point I had to buy for 17 people (and that's minus teachers and all that) i put our foot down, no more buying for adults from last year as we were spending so much and getting so much stuff we didn't need (e.g. panettone x 3, 5 x candles etc) At that point family would only buy the kids one present each. Now we have found instead of buying the kids and us one present each they are buying 3x presents Per child..each. we are absolutely overrun. It's so so stupid and also completely and utterly (sorry to say) side tracks the kids from the items they actually asked for, which we of course bought them. We have mountains of hot wheels cars, colouring stuff, my 2 year old got 3x baby Anabelle's as well as care bears, just from her aunties and uncles. Madness. The money which could have been better spent is eye watering. Plus it's DS2 birthday next week!! They irony I'm tripping over everything whilst working out how to pay for all the zoo trips, soft play etc that will come up this year.
And disclaimer to anyone fancying to bite, yes we have 3 beautiful children, all very much wanted and loved 💙💙🩷

Solidarity as we are in the same boat. It's too much. I've told my dm so many times that we have so much stuff and she still buys more and more clothes and toys. We also have 4 and our house is absolutely upside down. My In laws also pile them up with rubbish from pound land. I just bin it that night as I can't be bothered with masses of broken tat. It's just too much and so stressful finding places to put it all.

Obviously because this is Mumsnet so people will inevitably say ‘ooh, why were you STUPID and have FOUR KIDS if you don’t want STUFF? Don’t be so UNGRATEFUL!’.

2 adopted kids. Then 2 surprise natural. Twins relevant as means 4 kids more likely to be closer in age.

OP that stuff would massively stress me out too, sympathies!

Also I think it's like therapy for my dm buying stuff for the kids. It's like a coping mechanism for her as we live so far away. Maybe yours is the same , I sometimes get angry but then remember that it does come from the heart 💖

Ask for books. Your kids read them and then as soon s each book is finished, put it in a pile to donate to the school or charity shop or library. The pile gets smaller each week.

set up savings accounts and say the kids would like to learn about saving and money, can they have money and just one or two gifts each.

ask for practical things like pens, pencils etc so they at least get used up and then binned.

and it’s ok to just throw out all the mince pies. If you over eat or throw them away it’s equally a waste.

Id be tempted to sell all the toys etc that you don't want to keep and put money towards something else for your children, like new riding kit etc

@mathanxiety books are wonderful but as you can imagine, we have lots. Plus library. Plus four a week from school and nursery. Plus it then falls to me to work out what we do and don't have. I do regift a huge amount.

Stocking yes. But I do practical. Orange. Choc coins. Bath bomb. Slipper socks. Wellie socks. Tooth brush. Something fun. A slinky or slime.

@MaybeItsTimeForMeNow I'm sorry. 😔 it's so hard and I just cannot cope anymore.

@Happiestwhen yes. But this does then go against my simple life policy. Growing my own veg and meat and eggs then chucking it all away. I do have to, but I hate it.

@FrogOnAYuleLog yes

@Happiestwhen. Oh it does. And that's why I'm so sad to ask, but this cannot continue.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel yes and I do. But then I get the writing in cover to my wonderful grandson and asked where it is.

I might eat all the mince pies tonight I'm so stressed.

@Theredjellybean I'm considering this but would have to learn vinted as a seller because if I sold on Facebook he'll would break loose.

It doesn’t matter what you ask for, OP. You’ll still get bags of crap because people seem to lose their minds in the run up to Christmas. If you ask for one just one thing or don’t want presents you’ll be a Scrooge or a Grinch. You can’t win 🤣

Your little family sounds lovely (from a fellow adopter). I know another large family who had doting but rather controlling grandparents. Years ago one Christmas they were in an awful too-small rented house. My friend showed me the pile of gifts the GPs had left, it was like a couple of car loads, took up half a bedroom, such a burden.

I think you need to manage it centrally with a wish list. With 4 children close in age you are going to get duplication, or arguments, or just overwhelmed in misplaced kindness. Certainly with family, they should speak to you before they buy for birthdays and Christmas and understand there are other ways of showing love than going mad at the toyshop. This is what being your support network is about. Adoptive families often have to do things a bit differently to avoid setting DC up to fail.

Also when older you can put it about they are particularly collecting something expensive but not very big - Lego, Schleich figurines, Playmobil etc. and have a wishlist.

Out of date food etc, you can just throw this away. People who have less on their plate can worry about food waste. Stick to your core mission!

@Heyitstoday nooooooooo

@NotMeNoNo I know. But it just goes against everything I stand for. I help all these people and do all this stuff and then bin things they have gone without. Makes me feel sick.

I would share a photo of under my tree right now. But for fear of being caught by mother or someone

OP you can hide what you are selling from people you know on Facebook if that helps.
I absolutely hear you, it's so frustrating buying for the sake of buying!

This is spot on! I have to say this exact thing to my in laws for next year, it’s just piles of stuff we either already have or really don’t need. It’s spending money for the sake of it. We took two charity bags to the shop before Christmas and we’ve replaced that and then some 😭

Also you could threaten them (family/church) with your social worker? Just like you presumably had to have a firm word about photos/social media , take some photos of the piles, and say, we know you mean kindly but it multiplies too quickly and is now causing me a lot of stress and potentially difficulties for DC who (more than anyone) need to learn happiness is not in material things.

(Edit, saw your last comment - your first responsibility is your children, not other people's feelings or waste! Believe me in years to come you'll need that grit)

Just to say I totally feel you. I feel the same... far too much stuff, bags of presents under the tree, things they and we already have.... it's all done with so much love and kindness but the constant bombardment of stuff makes me feel ill. I hate waste and want the kids to be grateful for what they have!

Could you ask in advance next year for one present per child and really put your foot down? I'm gonna have to do that. Why don't people listen...

So ask for clothes! Say your children love clothes😄. You sound lovely by the way @jhar and I think your children are lucky to have you as a mum!

Ok so I'm going to have to head to bed.

@Washywishy I did not know this thank you.

Although I would probably know the buyer.

@BlueFlagPinkFlag but like you say they don't listen! I just wish they would spend it on them.

@NotMeNoNo this would be great but no social worker. Never seen one since adoption granted. I do donate there. But don't have an assigned one.

@Motherrr will just have to try this again.

@arcticpandas I do this to a certain extent. But then again there is only so much they need. The younger wear the older things. The Older have so much stuff.

I really wish I could say something like Lapland UK. Or Center Parcs. Please help us go. But they would probably help and BUY stuff.

Could you leave a load of the gifts at the houses of the people that gave them? Then the children will have things to do/toys when they visit? We had to put our foot down with my MIL when she insisted on buying novelty plastic toys when they were younger - so much of it. Ended up saying that it would have to stay in a toy box at her house as we couldn't cope with anymore stuff.

As they’re all fairly close in age could you ask for one joint present?

Coming at this from a slightly different angle OP, but could it be that your respective families don't get your low-consumption 'make do and mend' lifestyle?

You say that you've cut right back on presents for adults, that you've 'begged' family to only give one gift, that your kids spend most of their time outdoors and don't really do toys. To some people that's quite outside of their understanding of what family life and Christmas, in particular, is about. Could there be an element of people thinking 'her with her funny ideas about one present, poor kids ... let's spoil them?'

Really do not mean that in a snide way as your family life sounds lovely to me! But I can totally see that being the reaction of some people in my own family, who very much associate a 'proper' Christmas with lots of presents for the kids.

Stuffification

4 under FIVE?? Dear God..... I'm simultaneously impressed and horrified 🤣.
My thoughts re kids gifts if they are still quite small and the only young ones is that they are all so excited to have GC etc, and maybe they think they are helping out financially by being generous? And I imagine there might be even more inclination to spoil your adopted kids on the assumption they probably didn't have that before they were with you.
My suggestion would be for next year (in about October) and/or a couple months before each birthday to say very clearly that the kids have what they need and the house doesn't have space for lots more things so please stick to either 1 gift per child.
Or make a wishlist of things you actually need and ask them to buy from that. Think clothes and shoes in ages ahead of where they are now. Equipment for hobbies, bikes etc.
Or ask them the to not give gifts but take each child for some 1-2-1 time? Doesn't have to be an event day out, and afternoon cooking with grandma or a nice walk in the woods or trip to a park. Kids would get time with relatives and you'd get some childcare.

I ask for clothes, chocolate or things that can be used up like arts and crafts kits. And I follow that up with a very clear statement we just don't have the space