Making a miserable Christmas a little less miserable

[Itssecret]

Hello Mumsnet - I could do with a little help if possible. I tried to get it on PistonHeads where I’m more at home but I think the topic stretched the audience!

my wife is currently receiving chemotherapy with a treatment due on the 20th. On Christmas Day we fully expect her to feel completely rotten. I’m trying to find a way to brighten up her day, to see her smile if only for a few seconds.. Frankly I’m really struggling.

things I know / have thought of.

food - she’s likely to be feeling nauseous. I think we are going to do Christmas lunch early. The last treatment toast and ginger biscuits were as good as we could get.

obviously going out is not an option and she is not drinking at the moment..

she’s not really into smellies into a big way - and the chemo messes with her senses.

i have no expectations for the day. I’ll have a ready meal of some sort ready for me and will make my wife whatever she is comfortable eating. It’s quite possible that it will be a day in bed watching the while she naps..

hints, ideas all really appreciated!

What about a nice new blanket and pillow for her to rest in?

I'm sorry, @Itssecret ~ sounds rough!

I'm dealing with a similar situation - just found out DM will be in hospital Christmas Day post op and am trying to plan what she'll enjoy. Obviously you'll know how much of this is relevant!

I'm making a slideshow/PowerPoint with photos/videos of previous Christmases to watch - easy to do and hopefully will bring a smile!

A homemade invite for Christmas in February? Mine notes there'll be a full roast, guests who normally come to ours for Christmas have all agreed to come then too, and I've brought her fave long-life Christmas treats to put away until then. Obviously date can be open ended until she feels better.

And as above poster mentioned, new blankets/pillows? Maybe make up a duvet cocoon on the sofa and veg out with a selection of movies/shows that she likes?

What about turning the living room or bedroom into a cosy room With loads of sparkly lights, blankets and a good film with nibbles. Offer a foot message or something like that

I'd ask her, shall we just keep it low key? Get set up for some quality sofa and nap time?

This is a lovely thought, you’ve come to the right place.

Perhaps you could treat her to a new set of comfy pyjamas/slippers/blanket to make her all comfy for the day? Some nice hand cream (I think chemo can make skin really dry).

I think keeping expectations low is a v good idea - maybe get some of her fave snacks in just in case she fancies something. Maybe if she is really tired then just spend the day snuggled up with her, and reassure her that you’re perfectly happy to spend the day that way (my FIL has had a lot of chemo and spent the whole time apologising to everyone for ‘spoiling plans’ and being tired - we’ve had a job to convince him he’s not spoiling anything!)

Sending you both the very best wishes for a happy Christmas 🎄

Do you have kids?
Would she up for any visits from family or close friends?

Oh bless you that’s rough for you both. We are in a similar boat with my father in law.

I like the idea of a ticket to a post-treatment Christmas. And the photo slide show.

If I felt really rotten at Xmas I’d love it if DH put loads of twinkly lights up so it looked pretty. A soft blanket to curl up under and a load of Christmas films - maybe make her some cinema tickets to a range and she can choose and turn the room into a cosy twinkling den.

I think the main thing is to remind her it’s just a day and there’s no pressure on it - white lie if you need to, that in a way this is the most special Christmas just the two of you. Who knows, maybe without all the faff, it could be!

I hope you both have as nice a day as you can manage and wish her all the best for her recovery.

How about surprising her with an early Christmas day the day before her treatment starts?

What a lovely idea.

That's a great idea!

I think the idea of a cosy dressing gown and socks is nice, it may help her to relax. Does she have any preferences with toiletries you could treat her to?

This is genius

I like the idea of an early Christmas Day if she’s up to it.

i also like transforming the living room into a cosy Christmas nest, buy her some new comfy pjs and nice soft blanket etc.

set up a few silly Christmas tv she would like, some light hearted Christmas nothing, stand up comedy etc.

but the fire on and snuggle up with a hot drink, even if it’s just hot water and lemon.

serve her food totally over the top Christmas, Christmas plates /mugs etc

cut her toast with Christmas cookie cutters

all those little touches that are totally over the top yet loving and christmasy

Decorate a gingerbread house for her? Some nice drinks - mocktails if she is up to them.

Pre-chemo Christmas is a great idea and be prepared for a second if she does happen to feel better on Xmas day with maybe picky bits to have whenever.

If ginger biscuits went down well, 2 options, could you make (or have made for you) a fancy gingerbread house for her to gradually dismantle? Or, I heartily recommend Grasmere Gingerbread. It's actually like a cross between a cake and a biscuit and is sooo good. They also do some nice other ginger products on their website, like ginger balm and lotion.

If she finds ginger helps with the nausea, posh version of ginger biscuits/ginger tea/ginger ale or beer/even crystallised to nibble? There are various ginger liqueurs too if she can have alcohol.

Agree with nice twinkly lights, anything she might fancy and find easy to eat (keep asking, tastes change on chemo sometimes) and lots of her favourite films. Paperwhite narcissus from the Scillies are around now, they smell gorgeous and are a bit different at this time of year, but if you think the scent might actually be a problem, red tulips or a different Christmas bouquet?

https://cornishblooms.co.uk/product/red-christmas-tulips/

Wishing you both many fully happy Christmases in years to come.

ETA poss audio ebooks of her favourites?

Another vote for early Christmas, maybe do the weekend before and invite round the family. You can still do a Christmas Day but less pressure for her to take part.

Comfy cushions / blankets and a grazing board for Christmas Day. You could put our lots of little foods to nibble on.

Also vote for early xmas, maybe fairylights to decorate the lounge, new warm throw and new comfy pillows, make a little den for her. Fancy ginger stuff, can she drink ginger ale? Can put that in a champagne glass for her, I doubt it’s the same but I had severe hypermesis and I found bubbly cold drinks helped slightly. Cashmere socks? Is there a movie she loves or would like to watch?

Aw I like the idea of Christmassy plates etc

And look for "toned down"/calmer versions of Christmas music and have a playlist ready? The instrumental versions are often a bit less in your face loud for example.

What a loving and thoughtful question. May I suggest that for the night she comes home from chemo you have waiting for her a freshly made bed with new cotton sheets (because that’s a special luxury). New pyjamas or a new nightie would be comforting, too. I understand about smells not being wise. Everything clean and tidy, brushed, neatened and a flask of water by her bedside: you can get pretty sets of carafe and glass.

This is really tough OP, I'm sorry you're both going through this. I spent a Christmas day a few years ago holding my dad's head while he vomited instead of sitting down to Christmas dinner, it was awful. Chemo is brutal.

I think you're right to go into it with none of the usual Christmas expectations, that will take the pressure off you both. I would probably focus on a few presents that will make her feel cherished and help keep her comfortable - depending on her tastes. My dad appreciated fleecy socks, electric blanket, music he loves and audiobooks, plus I made him some ice lollies because chemo made his mouth very sore.

The most important thing is probably your undivided attention, love and support, which it sounds like you'll be doing anyway. I hope you both have as nice a Christmas as possible.

Just wanted to say thank you everyone who's posted on here ~ I wasn't the OP but this has given me some great ideas of how to treat DM, thank you 😊

How lovely and thoughtful of you. I had chemo for breast cancer 10 years ago and would have been so touched if my then husband had put any effort into trying to make life that little bit more joyful. Not sure what sort of chemo your DW is having, I was on a 3 week cycle and the third week I didn't feel too bad (even managed to work) so the idea of an early, or the promise of a late Christmas sound lovely. Also, just the need to take her mind off of things, so the offer of films, card games, a foot rub, a drive out to a favourite spot(you would know what she enjoys)would all be very considerate. The worst thing about chemo for me was how it impacted my mood, so be prepared for tears or grumpiness and hang on in there. You sound like a wonderful partner and, for me, just knowing that someone cared enough to be worried about this would go a long way to the day being special. I hope that in Christmas 2025 you look back on this 'miserable' time as a period of love and caring that brought you closer together. Remember to look out for you too.

My husband has a life-limiting illness, and I have found that when he’s having a bad day, he dislikes (or can’t really cope with) having to make choices, so for any key events/days, we try to agree some activities or loose plans beforehand. Might be that we’ll watch films, or go to the pub. But it’s absolutely okay, discussed and agreed beforehand, that if he feels shit, he can just sleep or do whatever he wants instead. The key is that he doesn’t feel pressured, or that he’s letting me down.

We’ll have a couple of food options (and eating nothing is equally valid, as you say), and include things he loves - he can’t always eat them, so I try to have things that will keep/freeze.

This Christmas, if he is well, we are with a son and older grandchildren for lunch (so stress free re cooking) and if he’s not, we have bought a couple of games, some good books, some music (he likes listening to vinyl) and I will make easy to digest soup and a dessert.

I used to aim for surprises, thinking they’d help, but they didn’t. He prefers to have some control and some choice over what he does (understandable when he has so little over his health).

What I’m saying, really, isthat your wife might prefer to decide what she’d like, and what would make the day special for her.