Making a miserable Christmas a little less miserable

[Itssecret]

Hello Mumsnet - I could do with a little help if possible. I tried to get it on PistonHeads where I’m more at home but I think the topic stretched the audience!

my wife is currently receiving chemotherapy with a treatment due on the 20th. On Christmas Day we fully expect her to feel completely rotten. I’m trying to find a way to brighten up her day, to see her smile if only for a few seconds.. Frankly I’m really struggling.

things I know / have thought of.

food - she’s likely to be feeling nauseous. I think we are going to do Christmas lunch early. The last treatment toast and ginger biscuits were as good as we could get.

obviously going out is not an option and she is not drinking at the moment..

she’s not really into smellies into a big way - and the chemo messes with her senses.

i have no expectations for the day. I’ll have a ready meal of some sort ready for me and will make my wife whatever she is comfortable eating. It’s quite possible that it will be a day in bed watching the while she naps..

hints, ideas all really appreciated!

Would snuggly socks, pjs, dressing gown work? Maybe an audio book? If reading or colouring etc is too tiring. I think it's wonderful that you're trying to think of ways to make the day special and easier to enjoy for your wife. Best wishes

I've just finished chemo for breast cancer (last week). I've managed to avoid a lot of nausea and any sickness at all by fasting for the treatment itself. 48hrs before and 24 after. I don't know what regime she's on but maybe it's worth a look?

I'm really sorry she's feeling poorly, I know how horrible it is. Sending positive thoughts

DM and df had chemo Christmass and some of the suggestions on here are fab.
A nice calm day with movies and maybe a cosy new scarf in case she can face a winter walk.
Pjs,boiled sweets to suck to keep her mouth fresh.
I understand fruity ice lollies can help with hydration and sore mouth.
Above all be led by her.

I’m so sorry you’re both going through this. I’ve been there and it’s absolutely rotten.

The Christmas I was having chemo, 3 years ago, I tried to power on through and it was horrific. The whole family arrived (I usually host and cook for everyone) with the idea being that everyone would contribute towards a buffet. They were trying to give me the kind of Christmas that I normally love but nothing is normal when you’re having cancer treatment, but I was desperate to be normal too! All I wanted was to lie down and doze…and I should have just done what I could comfortably manage.

I would recommend a variety of soft drinks, my tastes changed daily and what I wanted one day would make me nauseous the next. So would get in a few of her favourites, and maybe even a glass of Prosecco (or whatever her favourite is) if that’s what she fancies on the day. Same goes for snacks…a variety of her favourites to cater for however she’s feeling on the day. I’d suggest getting a ready to cook roast from M&S or similar, in case she fancies a Christmas dinner. And to be honest, a cosy sofa, some nice twinkly lights, a soft blanket and the ability to just doze whenever I wanted would have been wonderful. Oh, and the main thing…plenty of reassurance from you that being together is the most important part, so this is a lovely day for you too. Not wanting to let people down was a big part for me and in retrospect I wish some had just said “No”.

Wishing her all the best for her recovery. Xxx

If she doesn’t like string fragrances but would still enjoy a bubble bath / feeling pampered, I used to by non fragranced bubble bath as treat from l’occitane, I think it was their Shea butter range. Aveeno is also good for unfragranced body moisturiser.

I hope her treatment goes well and you have as lovely Christmas as you can

Thanks for all of your lovely messages - there are too many great suggestions to pull any out, but I have read and digested them and will definitely be picking some up!

unfortunately I don’t think we can do an early Christmas. Our daughter works in a pub and is a walking Petri dish as is her boyfriend. While there is a period where my wife is recovering - catching a cold and going into chemo with it is not great.

@TwoBigNoisyBoys i can’t imagine how you powered through - I’m trying to make the week after chemo especially, as low hassle as I can.

What a wonderful thread

When my mum was very ill with cancer she felt the cold a lot and her favourite thing was her electric blanket to snuggle under on the sofa, lovely soft PJs and warm bedsocks. She couldn't concentrate to read but still enjoyed audio books and music and notebooks to write down the things that she wanted to remember. She was very fatigued and not able to eat a lot but I think the best gift for her was to be with people who loved her and to feel surrounded by that love. I would say you have that covered.

I was undergoing chemo last Christmas and found that my tastes changed a little each time. I didn’t drink alcohol but liked a number of different soft drinks, including ginger ale. It might be worth getting a few options in just in case.

A cozy afternoon sounds fantastic!

There are lots of great ideas here although I’m not sure about twinkling lights if you’re ill as for some it can give or worsen headaches or nausea but you’ll know what she is like.

I think brand new (washed and ironed) bedding is a great idea.

Totally different situation but I went into labour on Christmas day and I was very grateful 4 days later (when I got out of hospital after an emergency c-section) to find DH had had the presence of mind to plate up Christmas dinner and throw it in the freezer. In fact we ate it for a week!

Bah, the 25th is just a number.

Oh the other food thing I liked a lot was those Dole mini pots of mandarins etc in juice. Ready to eat and no refrigerator needed.

I have a very strong suspicion that just spending the day with a loving husband will be all your wife wants or needs.

I think the idea of an early Christmas is genius!

Also the sparkly lights and cosy blanket/ robe/ slippers.

Maybe some nice Christmas music she likes.

How are her nails affected? If not tender and if she doesn't have a rash on her hands or feet from the chemo, would she appreciate a hand or foot massage?

Have an early Christmas. then on the day just curl up with the tv Christmas lights cosy blankets and pjs.

@Itssecret just to add, take care of yourself too. I think there are many on this thread who have been through chemo/radio or cared for people who have and know that it is really tough.

I really hope your wife gets better very soon.

Don't forget yourself in all this. Nobody needs a ready meal on Christmas Day! Even if you make something simple for yourself or have a lovely cheeseboard and snacks, do something special for yourself. It's tough for anyone caring for someone going through such a serious illness.

Lots of ideas which I hope are helping. How about music she likes or is particularly cheerful/ uplifting/ soothing?
video or voice messages from friends and family?
agreement to switch off phones for a few hours/ the rest of the day so your wife can just relax and not worry about whether a well meaning friend or family member is going to call and maybe stir up emotions if your wife just needs to rest?
an audio book she might enjoy as a diversion?

You sound so lovely and I'm sorry you and your wife are going through with this. Cancer sucks.

I think the main thing is quality time together and you've absolutely got thay covered, and lowered expectations. Some nice snacks and food in, in case she does feel up to it, but stuff you can freeze if she doesn't. Make the room you're going to be in nice, as others said some soft fairy lights, snuggly blankets, some nice new pjs or comfies. Watch films, play some card games if she feels up to it. Make sure she knows there's no expectations so if she does want to sleep or whatever makes her most comfortable, that's fine but if she does feel up to a gentle walk or something, that's also fine and that you can go with the flow on the day.

I know when someone very dear to me was poorly, she wanted everything 'romanticised'. When she did want to eat, she wanted it on the best China, she loved having her drinks in the prettiest tea cups...small things like that made her happy and she said that it helped her to see the happiness in the ordinary.

Make sure you are looking after yourself too. It's hard for you. Carve out some time to do something you enjoy as well and make sure you have some of your favourite foods and drinks in. To be looking after your wife as thoughtfully as it sounds like you are, you need to be filling your own cup as well.

I hope that the new year is kind to you and your wife and it brings health and happiness

Brings a little tear to my eye, the thoughtfulness here--starting with the OP. If your wife is indeed on chemo cycles in which (as I recall from my own back in the day) one feels pretty much human by the last few days, could you plan something special for one of those days just before the 20th, even if it can't be a full family Christmas? And yes to a beautiful shawl in a gorgeous colour and a lovely soft fabric....good quality cashmere? I felt the cold terribly even in a nicely heated house during chemo and going outside always felt so daunting.

I would be content albeit feeling nauseas etc to have a quiet seat in the corner and watch everyone around me celebrating as usual and not too much fuss to be made over me but just knowing I'm loved and seen

Definitely a pre-Christmas

On the day, make a cosy nest on her bed or the sofa. String some fairy lights and just play it by the ear.

If she is a reader, maybe look for some audiobooks if she isn't into reading herself or make a playlist on Netflix/Disney etc to have a quite day.

Yes, I think this is fair. I know I’d struggle to enjoy a surprise pre-chemo Christmas because I would be thinking about my treatment and being pressured to enjoy myself.

In her shoes, I think I’d prefer something utterly low-key like a day of black and white films by the fire with toast if I felt up to it (based on a long-past Christmas when I was having a complicated withdrawal from a drug and just wanted to watch undemanding but unjolly tv) but I think@ReignOfError is right — ask her.

Thanks again for your comments - for those concerned about me - I'm doing ok - this is about her. I have to be the strong one right now. Friends and colleagues are keeping an eye on me...

In terms of asking her - we've discussed it. We both realise we won't really know until the day how she feels. This is about wanting to bring a little smile to the day that she is not expecting to have.. I don't think it's about grand gestures - this is about the little things.. (I hope).

I love the idea of decorating the bedroom. Ideally I'll do this Christmas eve as long as she has a nap downstairs! Again, on the last cycle, the Christmas day part of the treatment she pretty much stayed in bed..

The Calm Christmas podcast might be helpful- it’s all about ways to do Christmas without feeling overwhelmed or exhausted and in ways that reflect your situation and feelings- not specifically aimed at people undergoing chemo (it’s much more general than tha) but lots of the ideas in it would be suitable.