Does anyone else feel that Christmas is full of family drama?

[Vix150]

I just want a nice Christmas but I feel as though I am upsetting everyone. It's our son's first Christmas this year but as my husband is a paramedic and having to work I thought I'd push it back a bit and have carbonara (my husbands favourite meal for when he comes home) on the 25th and then on the 26th a proper Christmas Day with presents, dinner etc ... Those who want to come are invited those who have other plans can get on with things that they want to do.
My parents are fine with this but my in-laws are very unhappy and have been very hurtful about it- they feel that my parents are getting to spend Christmas day with my son and that they are being excluded. However both sets of parents have been invited for carbonara if they want - my mum and dad said yes, my in-laws declined as that is not how they wish to spend Christmas day. Both sets of parents have been invited to our Christmas day on 26th, my mum and dad accepted, my in-laws declined as boxing day is about leftovers not another Christmas dinner.
I don't think there is anything I can do but I'm exhausted and upset from trying.

Why is Christmas so hard?

Meh let your husband deal with them. You offered them exactly the same as your parents. I am assuming they haven’t offered to host you?

It's your Christmas, do it the way you and your husband want to.

If the outlaws want to be difficult, let them, their needs and want's don't trump yours.

Your in-laws are incredibly selfish people.

They're basically telling you they want a Christmas and sod the fact your husband, their son, isn't around to see it because he's working. The fact they think it's ok for a dad to miss his first son's first Christmas rather than accept the fact you want to, rightly, reschedule says a lot about how they're thinking more about their wants over your needs.

Sod them. You invited them to the day they decline. That's on them. Let your husband deal with it.

I hate family politics at Christmas. We don't have ANYONE over for Christmas Day any more and we don't travel. It's just us (me, dh and ds) and it's pure bliss. We see relatives the day before or the day after. It's for them to lump it, not us.

The trick is not to care. It comes with age (if it hasn’t come before that) and it’s the one shiny, golden advantage of getting old.

They had the same offer as everyone else, and if it doesn’t suit them, they can shove it up their festive Christmas jumper.

Because a surprising number of people are completely overly rigid about Christmas. Which I've never understood.

Your way sounds perfect. Your husband gets home from work to a nice carbonara, then you all have the full works together on Boxing Day 🙂
If in laws aren't happy they can tell their son!

It sounds great and they’re invited to all of it. Miserable arseholes. Sod them!

If you’d only invited your family then yes you’d be prioritising your parents, but that’s not at all what you’ve done. It’s their issue, if they want to sulk let them. You can’t do any more than you’ve offered.

It really doesn't have to be so hard, you just need to not be so sensitive to what everyone wants
You can say what your plans are and then everyone else can join you or not and if people get nasty about it then screw them.
I usef to try and please everyone but only really started enjoying Xmas when I stopped doing that - its about what me, DH and the DC want and everyone else fits aroudn that, or not, up to them.

Your ILs are putting their wants over yours, but your wants are just as important. You have offered them several options. Forget about them now and focus on you.

That sounds infuriating, your plan is perfectly sensible. Leave DH to deal with them and just do a breezy "well you know you're more than welcome, just let us know by X so we have enough in" if they mention it to you.

I think it was really kind of you to have an equal, open house policy for everyone! You can't do any more than that other than enjoy the days and make sure none of the background complaints ruin it for you.

This.
Just calmly tell them the offer is still open if they want to ( you could always chuck a few Yorkshire on in place of the pigs in blankets)

Actually I think you’ve handled things really well.

You know you won’t be able to do a traditional Christmas (as Christmas meal in Christmas Day) so you’ve created your own traditions agd invited people to join in.

The issue here is the lack of flexibility from your IL and the fact they’re trying to make you feel guilty for creating your own routines.
Ignore!! They’re making a choice - the one not to come either on Christmas Day or Boxing Day. Just acknowledge that choice and move on. You can’t take responsibility for other people’s choices. Here lies madness

This!!!!!

Excellent response! X

It's as hard as you choose to make it.
Your husband can deal with his relatives, they're not your problem and you don't have to think about or listen to their thoughts or opinions. It's great.

Christmas is a PITA. I spend Xmas eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day pleasing everyone and avoiding drama. I spend my days running around the place like a maniac to keep everyone happy but I’m happy to do this once I can carve out some time for myself because I do think Christmas is family time.

I’m happy to do this once the days between Boxing Day and back to work are mine and mine alone. Despite lots of family time over these 3 days some cousins, DM etc will try and shoehorn in some family get togethers. I’ve stood firm on this and refused invites and basically I spend the few days reading and going for walks. It’s heaven and is enough to counteract the drama - maybe try this approach

Why is Christmas so hard? Because you’re trying to make difficult people feel happy. It’s impossible. As soon as you adopt the attitude of ‘This is what we’re doing, no negotiations and I’m not listening to any complaints’ you’ll find that Christmas suddenly becomes so much easier and more enjoyable.

my in-laws declined as boxing day is about leftovers not another Christmas dinner Funny, because I thought they were getting upset because Christmas was all about their grandchild? It seems what they’re actually getting upset about is that you’re not running your Christmas to their schedule.

Your in-laws are cutting off their noses. They are upset about their own choices. Nothing you can or should do. They are adults making choices.

Yes it is but you cant please all.of the people all of the time.

We've always hosted huge dinners as the only ones with a big enough house to have everyone over but this year we've scaled it right back and are just hosting our parents on boxing day...well the drama! Apparently we are selfish and because we have a big enough house we 'should' host everyone and people will be on their own (family of 4 people so not actually on their own!) because of us...I'm over it! I feel your pain bit honestly just do what you want because the f***s will moan regardless!

We have similar issues so now we don’t see any of our parents. If we see some and not others there’s always guilt tripping and passive aggressiveness.

Now it’s just me, DH and DC. Nobody else is allowed for the “main event”

Both our parents are divorced and remarried so we have 8 to please in total. 8 badly behaved 70+ parents who squabble for attention and refuse to drive and expect us to drive a total of 300 miles to see them all on Christmas Day! 😂

A good piece of advice OP is “let them”. Let them decline your invitation. Let them choose to be assholes instead of being part of the family. Let them show the world what sort of grandparents they want to be. Let them!

I think your xmas day plans sound wonderful OP. I love carbonara too. As pp have said, start building your thick skin now and create wonderful traditions of your own for your dc to remember.

You don't say how old the in laws are but I'm guessing they've had a fair few tradtional xmases in their time. I suspect they just wanted you to cook their xmas dinner and are put out they'll have to do their own :)

Who are these people? My late mother, even in her 80s and used a wheelchair, was happy to muck in with whatever plans we had. She might suggest a restaurant one year or my sister would host. For decades she went all out hosting for at least ten every year, then when my husband was alive we hosted her and my father.
My in laws were a bit more rigid with their day but as long as they saw us at some point over the holidays couldn't not have cared less.

So your in-laws are upset that they cannot order food like in a restaurant?

We tried going to my DF's for Christmas and we tried having my DM here just before Christmas and neither of them made my DCs happy so we are going with what makes my DCs happy.

I don't see the drama. Just ignore the in-laws as they have been given the option but have chosen to do something else.