Does anyone else feel that Christmas is full of family drama?

[Vix150]

I just want a nice Christmas but I feel as though I am upsetting everyone. It's our son's first Christmas this year but as my husband is a paramedic and having to work I thought I'd push it back a bit and have carbonara (my husbands favourite meal for when he comes home) on the 25th and then on the 26th a proper Christmas Day with presents, dinner etc ... Those who want to come are invited those who have other plans can get on with things that they want to do.
My parents are fine with this but my in-laws are very unhappy and have been very hurtful about it- they feel that my parents are getting to spend Christmas day with my son and that they are being excluded. However both sets of parents have been invited for carbonara if they want - my mum and dad said yes, my in-laws declined as that is not how they wish to spend Christmas day. Both sets of parents have been invited to our Christmas day on 26th, my mum and dad accepted, my in-laws declined as boxing day is about leftovers not another Christmas dinner.
I don't think there is anything I can do but I'm exhausted and upset from trying.

Why is Christmas so hard?

You're right there is nothing else you can do and nothing else you should be doing. That's how you're doing it and you've invited across the board, so lovely of you, they've chosen to whinge and decline so no longer your problem. End of. Enjoy your days. (MIL here btw)

They should feel very lucky that you have invited them to join you. Sometimes it's impossible to please people. Have a lovely time x

@Vix150 try to see this from their point of view... they've been asked to choose between experiencing their grandsons very first Christmas, and having a roast dinner on Xmas day. Oh no, wait...

I think your Christmas sounds lovely and you've come up with a wonderful way of making the most of a situation out of your control. You've been more than generous and fair. Unfortunately you can't please everyone but that's on your ILs.

We caused upset with the ILs on my son's first Christmas because we said we were staying at home and didn't slot into the IL's big two day event MIL had been hosting for 40 years. This year, they had no expectations and we've each made our own plans so it's been stress free this far. Families and traditions evolve over time so this is the perfect time to start making your own traditions. Hope you have a lovely couple of days.

Your plans make perfect sense, include everyone (if they want) and are very sensible and logical. You're being generous. Issue the invite then forget about it. They do what they want.

My family were flexible about Christmas so we had our own lovely tradition for years. IL were totally inflexible and Christmas with them never happened as a result. In the end, it's their loss.

DH just needs to tell his parents "You have not been excluded. You are not spending Christmas with us and in-laws are because they accepted our invitation and you turned it down."

For what it's worth, your plans sound perfect. We're having Christmas with my in laws on the 23rd and Christmas with my parents on Boxing Day this year. It doesn't need to be the 25th, you can eat whatever you want, in laws could skip Christmas Dinner on Boxing Day if they wanted and just come in the morning, or in the afternoon after you've eaten. They're being ridiculous.

But the best thing I did was leave DH to sort arrangements with his own parents. I don't get involved, he handles invites etc with them and just lets me know the plan and it works absolutely fine.

You’ll never please them so stop trying.

My family have always been utterly mental and that extends to Christmas. I love Christmas but I’d dread the actual day. I’d cook at my mums and there would be big rows, kids crying, lots of guilt trips and snide comments. Every year I’d try to do more to please everyone but it would still be the same.

When COVID came I had my first Christmas at home with just my partner and it reset my whole outlook on time with them. Now we see them between Xmas and NY instead, stay elsewhere and I try not to get drawn into the drama. You can’t change the family you’re given but you can change how you interact with them and how much mental space you give to their carry on.

They’ve CHOSEN not to join in with your family Christmas, that’s on them.

I think sometimes you have to treat extended family like toddlers, tell them what's happening, empathize where appropriate and try not to get too involved when they start kicking off,

You've been generous & it sounds lovely.

They've chosen a roast dinner over Christmas with their family.

OP, this is why it's so fabulous to not have a family! It may be too late for this year, but next year just restrict Xmas celebrations to you, your husband and child and you'll be much happier. Frankly, if someone is working at Xmas, then their needs come first.